Could I be dealing with a Narcissist...?

[Butlerist]

hi loveshack people,

 

I was in a singing group and met a woman there earlier this year. The group had around 50 people in it and we would get together every weekend for around 8 hours every time practicing. I started getting to know her from around February very slowly. She was very extroverted, would voluntarily sing for everyone and thoroughly enjoyed the attention.

 

We exchanged details and started to send whatsapp messages etc. Her mobile phone desktop wallpaper, had a collage of different photographs of her face in different poses. When I saw it, it was a bit odd, as though someone definitely loved themselves.

 

She told me she was married for like 8yrs and divorced a year ago. One day, I went to walk her back to her car she told me she wasn't feeling great. When I asked her why, she said it was because her ex-husband had been stalking her and had taken photographs of where she lives and works. She then said she had a severe neck spasm because of it, so i helped her walk to her car. Once in the car, she said she was unable to move from the stress this situation had caused her so I slowly started massaging her neck and gave her some anti-inflammatory tablets. She suddenly cried and then immediately stopped and said "i'm so sorry. I feel so embarassed in front of you". She went on to tell me her ex-husband was bi-polar and crazy. I've heard similar stories before, so I proceeded with awareness. It felt bizarre that our closeness started with that. My family aunty who is a psychiatrist said "I think she has thrown the fishing hook and is reeling you in".

 

She would go on about how the ex-husband was smearing her name everywhere by saying things like "this girl is dangerous" to people. She would say "that is how crazy he was. He would tell people. He would lie about me and say I left him because I bedded other men, but he never had any evidence and was lying". I would listen to things she would say on his behalf intently.

 

As I started seeing her on a weekly basis,she kept on telling me to not tell anybody about the relationship. She claimed that having come out of a relationship with someone last year, made it difficult for her so she wanted to take her time and not go too fast. This girl was also a night owl and I could see messages from her at 3 to 4am, even though she had work the next day.

 

Meeting up as never easy as she never initiated our meet ups. It felt like I was doing the work and there was no instigation from her side. Yet she was also available when I did.

 

By the 2nd date, we slept with one another. She told me I was the 2nd guy she had ever slept with (She is 35) and she felt so at ease with me. During our first sexual encounter, she just kept saying my name which was great and yet strange, as she didn't know me so much. By around a month, I would ask her to meet up with me mid-week and she would always make it sound like she was unsure about it. During our music group meetings, we would pretend like we were just friends and were discrete about it which I wasn't happy about. Yet she would always end up at mine on the weekend and we would have constant protected sex and when she would go home, I felt like there was an emotional disconnect from her side. Her messages and calls were friendly, but never did I feel wanted or missed. Her claim to that was that she opens up very late.

 

During the first 3-4 weeks, all we would speak about other than her was her ex-husband mainly. The lies he told and the mood swings he had which made their lives hell. I deliberately asked her whether her husband was caring and she would say "he was....but too caring. Our balance as people was way too different". Which again made me wonder a bit. She told me how she left him and that she was literally out of the blue disappeared on him. She said she was unhappy and had asked for a divorce ages ago, but he didn't listen. So when he went on a trip, she left and he was unable to find her. Hence he stalked her later (apparently).

 

During the week, whenever I would try to plan something with her, her way of being unsure made me begin to reduce the future planning. So I started feeling very uneasy and unsure in our relationship as we progressed further. I started to reduce planning and she then began to come my way and would ask to meet up instead. But once she planned, I thought okay cool i will plan again. Then the cycle would start again.

 

She would make it sound like she is not at all superficial and how she believes people should look beyond skin depth. But then she began saying things like "let's get in my car, as your car is ****". Which it isn't. But when I pulled her up on it, she said "i shouldn't have said it like that, but what i meant was why is a guy who is single driving in a car like that. I also wanted to know if you are ambitious and want to go further in life". I told her there are a thousand ways of asking me what my ambitions are.

 

I would invite her to mine, cook us great meals. I would plan days out, theatre or exhibitions. She would take all of the pictures in the world during those events and put them up on Instagram, as though she was alone at these events. In fact, her entire profile on social media is mainly with her in luxurious places, always pics of her posing with the classic punchlines. When I said "do you post these pictures so that you can get gratification from people's responses?", i would be told "oh not at all. I am merely sharing the way I feel in that moment and I want people to also connect to that and enjoy what I am sharing".

 

Later on, I asked her what she wants out of life. She said "i want a beautiful life". To which I asked for her to elaborate on and she said "i want a beautiful house, a beautiful relationship". And then went on to say "like your mind for me is beautiful, the way you treat others is beautiful, your face isn't exactly WOW but it is okay for me". It felt like a churn in my stomach as it sounded so cruel. I later asked why she said it like that. To which her response was "i didn't think I said anything bad. You could say what you want to me, I won't mind". I told her if I said she has a decent face, but a bizarre nose, she said "i really don't mind. I guess i have thick skin". She said it smiling. She began labelling me as Mr Over sensitive for a bit during those few weeks.

 

I felt uneasy at this point and thought I could well be dealing with someone on the narcissistic spectrum.

 

I also told her that I felt she had a lot of men circling around her. It's just the things she would say. Like we went into a store once and I asked her to try on a dress and she came out of the changing room. When I asked her to walk out further, she said "no, i don't want to as there are those men sitting down staring as if I'm a piece of meat. I don't like it". I felt like she loved male attention and thrived on it.

 

She would send me pictures of expensive watches that she would be trying on and asked me what I thought of them. She also works at a jewellery store. Not long after, she said "oh my good, you wouldn't believe it. I've won". Apparently she was top sales in her store, she won over $2500 voucher from a brand of the watchmaker. She then went ahead and got that watch a month later. I was surprised that any person in sales would win such an amount. It didn't sound right. She told me she wanted to buy me an $800 watch too from some of that voucher. From a woman who keeps our relationship secret, doesn't really elaborate about the future, doesn't really bring out the wallet, and wants to buy me an expensive gift felt off. I told her there was no need (she probably knew I would say no) and merely said "just take me out or cook a few meals, and I'll be happy";).

 

More recently as I started seeing her more, she would stay more often. She still would keep the relationship a secret amongst outside circles. She would happily let me pay for almost everything too which although I mentioned I would like there to be some equilibrium, it went unnoticed. Not that she wouldn't invite me out, but that would mainly happen when I was annoyed. A if she was trying to keep things smooth by doing so.

 

Two weeks before heading off to a recent holiday i noticed somebody trying to message her on Instagram. I remembered his username and found him to be from the same country of origin as myself and her. But didn't say anything. By this point we had been seeing each other for close to 4 months. Around the same week, one day she messaged me in the morning and we spoke before she had to leave for work. But I realised my messages weren't going through for a good hour. I got an email from her saying "hello my over sensitive, i have forgotten my mobile at home today".

 

So the week before leaving for my holiday, we met up on the weekend. I was leaving the next Friday. We were both free between that weekend and that day, and would talk endlessly yet not meet up. I deliberately would not ask for a meet up as by this point I was tired of instigating. She then asked to meet on the very day I was leaving for breakfast for a few hours. Again, constant sex during those few hours.

 

Prior to going she would say "tell me you're going to me miss me! No....tell me you're going to miss me.....say it....say you will miss me". I was playful back, but the way she was doing it felt so over the top.

 

During my time on holiday, I was in thought all of the time about our relationship and felt deflated. Everybody could see it. I would message her and she always responded. We would have video calls at nights. I missed her. Yet I didn't feel that it was reciprocated back similarly. Again, there was no sense of planning for when I return and when I would see her. You would think by now, one would say something like "when are you back? Let's get together on the Saturday...Sunday". I did see her on the day I got back, but had you asked met he day before I would have said I don't know if I was seeing her.

 

Once i returned she told me about a story of how a man walked up to her in the jewellery store and said hello to her in our language (Persian) as if he knew her. She showed me her instagram to say "look, he also found me on Instagram and invited me to his birthday". She didn't show me the entire message trail but just the invite. I was a bit stunned as this was the same guy who had tried messaging her before my trip and she was now telling me about it. I asked her "how on earth could he find you without knowing your surname? And how did he know how to speak in your language to you?". She said she didn't understand why and thought it was very peculiar too. I didn't believe her, as the story didn't add up. She had deleted the messages and ended up blocking him, which I felt was odd. She could easily have said "let's contact him and ask him how he found me". But no....

 

At this same time, I felt like she was hiding something from me. She behaved strangely with her mobile and had begun turning it face down and not leaving it in my bedroom so much. I confronted her to which she denied having had anything whilst I was on holiday. She kept on telling me "why would I tell you all of these things? If I was lying, why on earth would i say it to you? I could hide it from you. Do you think i'm that insane to want to say these things to you, so you end up over thinking it and going crazy?".

 

She would always over emphasise things to me. Like "i would never lie. I've never lied. I'm not that type of person". This would happen often. Or things like "I've never understood people who just have sex for the sake of it. As though it is used for a vehicle". I would ask her "what makes you think that's why people do it?".

 

When I took her out to dinner, she turned around and said "the woman next to me, she's so ugly". I told her she was out of line. A bit later out of the blue she continued to pick up on a conversation the day before about how she thought men are cheaters and that they are always seeking the next thing and she felt so sorry for people who had to be with such people. When I said "why are you so overly sensitive about it and how come this is such an important subject over dinner?". She said "my friends back at home were cheated on and it breaks heart" and literally began tearing up. It felt like projection, as though she was the cheater. When i visited the bathroom, i noticed she took out her phone and started texting secretly. Felt so off.

 

Once over the phone she said "what would you do if your friend came up to you and said that they had seen me walking in the street with another man?" what you do?" I just found it so strange. It's like she was planting an insecurity seed in me. I said "I wouldn't like it, but it depends on the context". She said "i want to know what type of person you are, what sort of reactions you would have, as i want to see if you would over react or not". It was such a bizarre thing to ask.

 

There was another situation only this time i saw an alert on her mobile whilst she was asleep from another app she had installed that clearly said "Joe Bloggs has added you to their contacts by phone number". I confronted her later and at first she said she had no idea who he was. Later she said he was a customer she had given her contacts to for when watches are out of stock or customer wants to know the packaging. I told her i believed this was all bull and that she was lying. She didn't like it and said "i'm telling you the truth. I have tried and tried but you don't believe me. You don't believe a word I say".

 

I feel as though I'm dealing with someone who is being dishonest and likely been in touch with men/possibly cheating and could have narcissistic tendencies.

 

I guess I'm venting out and wanted to get some perspective?

 

Thanks a lot for reading the world's longest post.

Butlerist

[salparadise]

I feel as though I'm dealing with someone who is being dishonest and likely been in touch with men/possibly cheating and could have narcissistic tendencies.

 

I guess I'm venting out and wanted to get some perspective?

 

 

Of course we can't determine that with any certainty, all we can do is notice that the behaviors are strange and go in that direction.

 

From what you posted it's apparent that she's shady, self-absorbed, attention-seeking, non-empathetic, and probably encourages attention from men for validation. She is seeding the jealousy by asking things like how you would react if she was seen with another man. I thought it was funny how she used reverse logic to deflect. This is sort of a taunt, done for effect. She underestimates your ability to discern and thinks she can outsmart you and cover anything with a thin explanation. It also seems like she may be using sex as a device, as when she said she didn't understand how people could do that (indicating conscious awareness of the motivation).

 

I've known two women with similar propensities, both significantly disordered. One was histrionic and the other was a narcissist (both officially diagnosed). Yours seems like a combination of the two. So I'd say there is a high probability of something diagnosable with her.

 

But for you it doesn't matter if she meets the threshold. You know what you're dealing with here by the behaviors you've described. That should be enough for you to know that you don't want to be on this merry-go-round.

[Butlerist]

Thanks for responding to the message. I appreciate that feedback.

Edited September 9, 2019 by Butlerist

[amaysngrace]

Why the need to put a label on her behavior? It’s either acceptable to you or it isn’t.

[Butlerist]

You make a valid point about that and I shouldn't do that.

 

I also don't feel as though any of this behaviour falls under the 'acceptable' spectrum for most.

[amaysngrace]

If she is a narcissist the best way to handle her is to cut her off from whatever it is you’re supplying her with.

 

The only way to do that effectively is to stop all contact with her.

[Butlerist]

These are some of the reasons I ask too. As i want to see what other people's stories are and see if there are overlaps/similarities to any experiences they have had.

 

As I am well aware that they don't let go, most of the time, if you let go of them.

 

If she is, then although I need to leave and as much as it breaks me, i feel like she would need assistance and help. None of which can be done unless she admits to any faults.

 

Funny thing is, when I said to her last week "it's coming up to around 5months now and I'm wondering how much longer you want to keep this a secret". She said "well the first one or two months weren't really anything...".

 

As soon as I started being slightly distant, she came to my house and had put a photo of her and I in a heart shaped plaque. The next night, she sent me a picture of hanging pictures of her and I together in her room. As much as I wanted to like it, the way the relationship was and what she said she thought about it all, felt off when she did that.

Edited September 9, 2019 by Butlerist

[elaine567]

She is a woman fresh out of an 8 year marriage. People take a long time to get over that.

If her husband was bipolar and paranoid, then she will need to heal from the "madness" of their relationship. She talks about him incessantly to try to get him out of her system, she won't be able to stop herself from doing that.

Any trigger and suddenly the ex gets wheeled out.

She is obviously in no position to date anyone.

Bad relationships can make many "crazy" and she may take literally years before she finds herself again.

I do not see narcissism I see caution, fear and insecurity.

 

The other guy may or may not be a red flag, but I see she tested you regarding how YOU would react to her walking down the street with another man. She wanted to know if you would be as possessive and paranoid as her ex.

She wants to know if she can trust you?

She is just so scared of jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

[Butlerist]

Elaine, do you not think the comment about my car and the fact that she gave me the jibe about the looks are off-key and harsh?

 

In her own words "reason I said your car was rubbish was because i didn't understand why a man who is single at your age is driving something like that". My car is a VW Golf GT sport. It's like a cruel comment. And who gives themselves the right to say that?

 

I agree with the insecurity. But do you not find it strange that the way our relationship opened, was with her just suddenly telling me about her ex-husband and her almost breaking down about it? The relationship started off with "i feel so comfortable with you and i can tell you everything". Which is nice. But then she has sex with me, doesn't pre-plan, keeps me at bay yet feels comfortable with me?

[elaine567]

None of that was narcissistic though

OK she was less than complementary about your car.

A VW Golf is not a car I would be impressed over either... sorry!

Your looks comment was a bit more personal but she was talking about beauty at the time so probably an honest assessment... or do you think you are beautiful?

and if you do, then who is the narcissist here?

 

All the rest is about a woman who is not over her ex, clutching at the first nice guy to show her any attention. She piles sex on you to keep you, but doesn't dare plan in case you do not feel the same, so will reject her.

 

Basically she is all over the place, expecting normality from a woman just out of an 8 year marriage is a tall order...

[Butlerist]

I didn't ask her to be impressed with my car. It's the fact that she felt it was absolutely fine to call it a s**t thing to be driving and to excuse it as a way of asking if I was ambitious enough. I never seemed to comment on anything she drives. It feels as though she is basically saying "how come you're not wealthy and driving a Porsche by now?". Which is precisely what that means.

 

I didn't say I was beautiful. I found it harsh that somebody would make a statement about their partners looks in that way. I always complemented her. Yet I didn't feel the need to complement yet criticise at the same time. She couldn't have just stuck to the complement?

 

So then two men whom she has given numbers out to, are just purely coincidental i guess. I forgot, women who came out of marriages and who mistrust other men just give out their numbers and connect with them on Instagram (one of whom randomly comes to the store she works at, without knowing her, says hello to her in her own language and miraculously invites her to his birthday), do it because of the lack of trust they have.....

[salparadise]

Butlerist, your observations and instincts are spot on. When you have someone playing apologist and justifying what is obviously dysfunctional behavior, you have to consider the source and agenda.

[Mr. Lucky]

Elaine, do you not think the comment about my car and the fact that she gave me the jibe about the looks are off-key and harsh?

 

Butlerist, you couldn’t have found her remarks too off-putting, they didn’t seem to affect your willingness to sleep with her.

 

There’s a disconnect between your judgment of her and the continued sexual engagement. If she’s so broken and/or unpleasant, how do you keep ending up in bed with her?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Butlerist]

salparadise, that's the thing here. She's always making excuses for the things she said. When she jabbed the insult and I asked her why she would say those things, she started calling me Mr Over-sensitive. So basically, it's fine to say what you want. If I call you up on it, I'm over sensitive. Albeit, later she did say 'i shouldn't have said it like that, you're right' when I explained it to her in very simple terms.

[Butlerist]

Her remarks may have made me feel uncomfortable, but I'm also not a bloody robot. I give people the benefit of the doubt and try to move on. But things linger. You don't just tell somebody you didn't like what they said, if you have feelings for them, and then go 'right, we'll stop sleeping with one another'. Is that what you do in your relationships?

 

I turned to her and said 'it's coming up to 5months, how much longer do you want to keep our relationship a secret?!'. She turned and said "but the first one or two months wasn't anything, really...". Is that okay too to say? Because it's taken her time to open up (in her own words).

 

But during those first two months, she told me she found it easy to talk to me about everything in her marriage. In those first two months, I helped her with her job situation, made the plans to go places and visited exhibitions/shows, our intimacy increased (she even shouted 'i love you' during sex after first month which I thought was again odd due to the nature of the relationship), and to her it wasn't really anything. My point is, there's a lack of gratitude and things don't make sense. And you sense it. So one could say, yes I need to look into why I have been with her if that's how I feel. That is an issue that I need to address. But it doesn't negate the lack of empathy and the dismissive comments being made.

Edited September 10, 2019 by Butlerist

[amaysngrace]

She’s rebounding. I wouldn’t read too much into anything she says or does right now. Coming out of an eight year marriage is a big adjustment.

 

Just know that it’s nothing to do with you, she’d be scattered no matter who she was with.

[UniverseInMe]

I'm going to come at this from a different angle. It's very simple. Is she awkward? Yes. But that's totally besides the point. You have to understand her personality type is not catered for you. I was in almost the same situation as you so I'm coming at this from experience. You should not expect her to change for you. Most people are set in their ways and won't change and if they do it's really, super, duper rare. In your situation you're talking about her from an insecure position and it's clearly bothering you. Lets face it, you're mainly with her because you're super attracted to her and the sex is probably great and she's a challenge and some of us men, I included, love the hunt/challenge. But at a certain point it will become totally destructive.

 

So lets put it this way. She's going to continue to disappoint you. She'll continue to make snarky remarks that offends you. She'll continue to use her phone secretively that will bother you. She'll continue to have male orbiters which will make you feel insecure and jealous. She'll continue to showoff herself through Instagram which will make you question her priorities. She'll continue to put emphasis on "things" that will annoy you because that's just who she IS. So it doesn't matter what label you slap on her, she's NOT going to change.

 

So either accept her for exactly who she is, quirks, narcissism and all and play along or cut her off completely and move on. It's that simple. I hate to be so blunt but again, I was in your same shoes so I'm telling you this from experience.

 

What you describe your ex as is a huge reminder of some of the traits my ex possessed which bothered me as well and in the end I wasn't able to handle it and lost it all. It was the worst mistake I have ever made in my entire life. It changed the course of my life forever and not for the best. I don't want this to happen to you. Please understand I care about you, even though I don't know you because you remind me a lot of me and don't want you hurt in the end. If you're not happy then please just leave. The sex and chase simply isn't worth it. Be alone instead and look for another woman who will hit most of your points that you're looking for. Life is too short. Please don't waste your time on someone who will never, ever change. That's of course you're into that sorta thing, but I'm just telling you, in the end and the end WILL come, you're the one who's going to get stuck with all the hurt and pain because I can tell you really care for her. But the truth is some people just aren't meant to be together.

 

I wish you nothing but the very best!

Edited September 10, 2019 by UniverseInMe

[mark clemson]

OP, it's pretty clear there is an accumulation of significant baggage and dysfunction here or you wouldn't be posting. Who knows how much/which parts are even truthful. Maybe the husband wants nothing to do with her, but she's making stuff up in case he ever runs into you and wants to warn you about how awful she is. Who knows?

 

It's clear she's a mess. It's clear your instincts are warning you a lot is off. It's clear she's got enough emotional intelligence to tell when you're pulling away and reel you back in (the heart-framed pic). I strongly suspect your aunty is right - she has her hooks in you and is keeping you on the line.

 

The thing about people who are trainwrecks - they often turn the lives of those they are in relationships with into trainwrecks as well.

 

You don't want that to be you. Walk away.

[PRW]

Her behavor does not fit the definition of a Narcissist. She definitely has some issues going on that I would stay away from, but in answer to you original question,...I don't think she is a Narcissist.

[Butlerist]

UniverseInMe - thank you for taking the time to write back to me. I really appreciate your wisdom here. I'm sorry to hear that you ended up feeling similarly and it was a mistake. That's not a good feeling, as you may have found out things later which you doubted turned out to be different. And I understand where you're coming from too. Also explaining 5 months in a few long paragraphs is never easy. l remember the first time at the beginning of our relationship, she said "first time I saw you, I said to myself 'who's that guy'?". Only two months later, to turn around and tell me 'you're not wow, you're average/ok'. That is a backhanded compliment. You are right, I can't label and shouldn't.

 

This girl isn't about the chase for me. It never was. Keeping me at arms length, yet having no problems when I take us out, without offering to pay for a single thing is a big question mark. It is an act of entitlement. Telling me she thinks girl next to me is bloody ugly, is a cruel comment.

 

Just two days ago, I saw a text message from a random guy called 'Frank' giving her his email address details, followed by 'you are a lovely lady x'. Frank's message was deleted (she didn't know I had seen the first message). You are right my friend, that it could be that this woman is a quirky girl and just not for me. True. Just know that this is not sex/chase.

 

I've put effort and time into wanting to have her go forward the way she wants to. But I see no reciprocation. But I do appreciate the advice coming from various angles. I also hope that you find yourself in a position whereby things will position themselves in a more positive light and the way you want them to be.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've put effort and time into wanting to have her go forward the way she wants to. But I see no reciprocation. But I do appreciate the advice coming from various angles.

 

Doesn't seem clear, knowing what you know now, what you want to do with her?

 

She doesn't appear to be a candidate for a successful and fulfilling LTR. So where to from here?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Butlerist]

My bad, I didn't clarify. What I meant was I am willing to put time and effort to ensuring she ends up meeting her goals, her needs. But with minimal reciprocation.

 

I think the main issue for me here is trust. It isn't that I can't handle a woman who is wanted by men. In fact I like a woman who is desired. But my fear here is that there has been infidelity and that she is absolutely loving male attention to the point where she is handing out her number to a lot of men.

 

I'll mention one last scenario that we had a conversation about, which overlaps in a similar way to the way she discusses things she would never do or doesn't believe in. She was part of a theatre and wrote a play. There was a guy in it, let's say he's called James. Her and James would hang out a lot late at nights after the threatre before she got to know me. I've seen him, good looking guy. At her birthday, I sensed body language from her and him that told me there could be more than just friendship between them. Once her and I started dating, I asked her 'was there nothing between you and James'?. She said 'no, nothing. He liked me and wanted to do stuff but I indirectly made it clear I was not interested as he is a lovely guy, but he is younger than me and not who I would go for'.

 

Fast forward three months down the line. She sends me pictures of some actors she likes, all a bit older. I said to her 'you like a bit of the silver foxes and older guys ey?. She starts telling me about why she likes older men and I just agreed about male maturity and why women like it. Then she says 'that's why I couldn't have intimacy with someone like James, he's too young and just doesn't have that level of understanding that I need in a man'. And for me, in the same way as she said 'i don't understand how people can use sex as a vehicle', these comments make one wonder. How on earth did James come into the conversation? It had nothing to do with James. But she brought him into it. That isn't quirky behaviour in my eyes.

 

Guess what, James no longer responds to her messages in the same way and refuses to act as part of the same group this year. Apparently, my partner 'offended' him by making one comment during the play. That is what she said. But do you see what i mean? These are the things that make you think she may have been unfaithful to him too and managing all of these guys by keeping distance with them all.

 

I don't know to be honest. I don't feel secure and may have to walk away from it. But I'll keep you guys posted on this front.

[pinkpaw]

Can't say if she is narcissist or not but having a middle eastern background myself, what I would say is: her comments about other people's looks (yours, the woman next to you) and your car are so classically tactless but in a way that no-one would bat an eyelid in most of the middle east. Whether we have higher traits of narcissism accepted as culturally normal or not, I definitely have noticed middle easterners can be quite shallow and very open about it. 

[Ellener]

On 9/10/2019 at 3:07 PM, mark clemson said:

The thing about people who are trainwrecks - they often turn the lives of those they are in relationships with into trainwrecks as well.

 

You don't want that to be you. Walk away.

Very true. And if I am getting embroiled in something like that I can only ask myself why am I? and take it to a counsellor to figure it out if I can't just walk away.

It doesn't matter whether the reason is narcissism or not, though people with NPD can be unusually manipulative and charismatic. All the more reason to work on yourself.

[HappySenior]

On 9/9/2019 at 10:40 AM, Butlerist said:

I didn't ask her to be impressed with my car. It's the fact that she felt it was absolutely fine to call it a s**t thing to be driving and to excuse it as a way of asking if I was ambitious enough. I never seemed to comment on anything she drives. It feels as though she is basically saying "how come you're not wealthy and driving a Porsche by now?". Which is precisely what that means.

 

I didn't say I was beautiful. I found it harsh that somebody would make a statement about their partners looks in that way. I always complemented her. Yet I didn't feel the need to complement yet criticise at the same time. She couldn't have just stuck to the complement?

 

 

Some of this could be attributable to Asperger's Syndrome (Autism spectrum). There are a lot of people with high-functioning Asperger's walking around these days and many do not know it. They have an inability to relate to other people's emotions and speak factually (if sometimes hurtfully) about what they observe or feel. I'm not saying that has to be the case, but it is a possibility she lacks empathy and that does not always mean narcissistic. If she has that and additional trauma from the ex, it could well be the case that she would act like this.

Still, if it's not the right relationship for you, you probably don't want to stay involved.

When I was younger, I used to be less than tactful myself with those I was involved with. I saw it as "being honest" at the time, but in retrospect having been subjected to that kind of treatment, I learned how it feels to be on the other side and now have learned to be as tactful as I can while still maintaining my boundaries.