Can you unwittingly become the other woman?

[AngelLove]

When i met MM he told me that he isn't married but him and his kids mother are still living in the same roof for the time being untill they sort out living arrangements for their 2 toddlers. I honestly believed him since I couldn't fathom why anyone would cheat and lie. This is how truly felt. But 2 years later he still lives at home and his availability would suggest otherwise. Before i knew it i was the other woman and hooked. Finding it hard to walk away even though deep down i don't feel good being the OW

 

When i say unwittingly, i meant i didn't wake up one day and decided to take part in cheating. Poor judgment and naivety lead me to make poor decisions. Can anyone relate?

[Beendaredonedat]

You should have run when he said he still lived with his wife and children. That's the epitome of not-in-a-good-place-to-be-dating. That scene is something anyone that was actually wanting a committed relationship would steer clear of.

 

Anyway, you know the deal now so why isn't your self-respect kicking in and you kicking his butt to the curb?

 

Are you afraid of true commitment so you stay with someone you know will never commit to you?

[Maddieandtae]

You should end this situation. He showed himself to be a lier of pretty big deal breakers, can you imagine all the small stuff he lies about?

[DKT3]

I dont think ignoring the things hitting you in the face makes one naive. Just blinded by what you want. Unwittingly? No, not possible.

[Veronica73]

Ummm...I feel like the only way you could unwittingly become the other woman was if he was very covert about his other life. Like he had to travel a ton for some strange reason...military or pilot or CIA or something???...I don't know, and he was able to keep you both secret from one another. Or maybe if you were really young and sheltered and had not had any other normal dating experiences before. :|

 

edit: I shouldn't say "only way" but it seems you'd have to start wondering after a short time

Edited September 10, 2019 by Veronica73

[BaileyB]

When i say unwittingly, i meant i didn't wake up one day and decided to take part in cheating.

 

You have had 730 days to make a different decision though... In a way, you have woken up 730 days since you have known this man and decided to take part in cheating - because you have continued in this relationship after you learned the truth of his situation and you have not ended it.

 

As Maya Angelou once said, “when you know better, you do better.”

Edited September 10, 2019 by BaileyB

[anika99]

I think one can only unwittingly become the OW if the MM presents himself as fully free and single and keeps that lie going for a considerable amount of time. MM can usually only pull that off when there is a large distance involved. Either the OW lives long distance from the MM or the MM is temporarily living long distance from his wife and children, making it easy for him to pretend they don't exist or claim that he is already divorced.

 

Getting involved with an MM while knowing he lives with his wife is just ignoring the obvious. You couldn't fathom why anybody would lie and cheat? So you're saying that in all your years you had never even heard of anyone lying or cheating. Never read a story about affairs, never seen it on TV, you had no idea that people are capable of deceit, you lived in a perfect world of unicorns where nobody ever told even one lie. Puleeze!

 

I think some people choose to believe lies to absolve themselves of responsibility and for an excuse to behave recklessly and destructively. Then when it turns bad they can claim innocence and victimhood by pretending they had no idea of what was going on. Were you able to meet his wife as the girlfriend? Did you get to hang out with his kids? Did your MM introduce you to his parents, friends, or other family members as his girlfriend? Did he openly date you and court you? Did he spend entire nights with you or take you away on weekend getaways? Be honest with yourself.

[mark clemson]

Is it possible to unwittingly become an OW?

 

Yes, absolutely and we've had very distressed posters here in exactly that situation.

 

In your case, whatever you may have fallen for at the beginning, and perhaps been in denial about when things didn't add up, you've figured it out now.

 

Time to walk away. It's really that simple. Perhaps not that easy if you have feelings for the guy. But consider - ALL your feelings are founded on a lie. Think about that for a while.

[BlindsidedTwice]

Finding it hard to walk away even though deep down i don't feel good being the OW

 

I hope you will find the strength to walk away. It will give you power back over your own life. You can save some of your self respect. You can stop your pain.

 

My xMM shut things down abruptly and confidently after a “sketchy convo” with his wife. Never heard from him again. How embarrassing, upsetting, useless and desperate I felt/feel. My self esteem is shot. My self respect is shot. My morals, values, credibility, and trustworthiness are all ruined.

 

You are better than this, and you deserve better than this. Don’t hang on until he finally dumps you. Let him go NOW and save yourself.

[pepperbird]

OP,

it can happen. I friend of mine who had been cheated on herself and divorced her husband because of it, met a new guy a few months later. She told him about her relationship history, and made it clear she didn't want to ever be an OW. He assured her he was single.

They dated for a couple of months, and then she saw him along with his wife and kids at a function. She was so hurt and furious, and broke up with him ASAP. Sher also told his wife about what he'd been up to.

 

It wasn't too bad for her, as she had kept her guard up and not gotten too emotionally involved.

Edited September 10, 2019 by pepperbird

[gettinoverit]

I think in certain circumstances it is possible to become the other woman unwittingly. It happens, we've all heard stories. Some of them I've read here. However, once we discover we are an OW we can VERY wittingly run a mile. And that's where we cross the line from being victim to being a collaborator. No judgement intended. I've been an OW - wittingly.

But a nasty and often not talked about part of recovery is dealing with what you've done, how you went against yourself to become someone you swore you'd never be, and the accompanying guilt and shame that goes along with that. I'm just starting to explore that now (and my A never even got P) and it's very uncomfrotable but necessary stuff to confront.

[spiritedaway2003]

But a nasty and often not talked about part of recovery is dealing with what you've done, how you went against yourself to become someone you swore you'd never be, and the accompanying guilt and shame that goes along with that. I'm just starting to explore that now (and my A never even got P) and it's very uncomfrotable but necessary stuff to confront.

 

OP, yes, I can relate very well. Unwitting probably isn't the right word. Unwitting is the right word for those who were lied to. When you realize or know the truth that you were lied to and you still decide to stay in it, then you become "witting". I am acutely aware if you have feelings for him, it's going to be hard to remove yourself from it. That will hurt like hell, in all honesty, but what is the alternative?

 

@ gettinoverit, thank you so much for saying that. That part has been a struggle for me, in addition to everything else. I ended up getting professional help to help confront some of those issues. I would say that even knowing those reasons doesn't help make the recovery any easier. I'm the same way, I could brush it aside and put blame elsewhere but I needed to confront them. I wish you luck in your journey.

[S2B]

But you know now and for a long while. So really you’ve made a conscious decision to be with a man who’s married.

 

End it with him knowing he lied and intended to cheat.

 

You can find an available man with honesty and integrity.

 

Settle for nothing less.