How do I handle my platonic friend's behavior toward me?

[Believer1980]

I have been in a platonic friendship with a woman for about 15 years and lately her behavior has been a bit confusing to me.

 

Part of the problem I believe is arising from the fact that over the past year we have gone from being casual friends to really close friends due to the fact that she is going through a separation from her husband so she has a bit more time on her hands. I have become a bit of a confidante, a shoulder to cry on and probably a bit of male emotional support for her. I should point out that I am not where she is in her marriage but I am very close to being in the same place.

 

As we have gotten closer I feel like she goes through phases where she is extremely responsive to me and clearly wants me in her life but then there are times when I will call, or text her, and she will take days to get back to me. All the while she will be posting on social media and even responding to text chains we are both on with mutual friends prior to responding to me.

 

She always responds eventually but when she does she gives some lame excuse as to why it took her awhile to respond. And if I don't reach out to her for a few days she will inevitably contact me with some lame ass text which I can tell is her way of attempting to get some communication going with me again.

 

And although I don't like to keep score I am the one who is always initiating us hanging out. She will almost always say yes to hanging with me unless she has something going on with her children. But she never initiates anything on her end unless it's some type of event like a mutual friend performing in a show or in a play. With that said, however, whenever we hang out we both have an awesome time and there is just a level of comfort, and chemistry, between us which reminds me why we have been friends for so long.

 

Anyway, the bottom line here is that I really like being friends with her, I am happy we are a lot closer and I am starting to really care about her but I am getting burnt out on her inconsistent behavior.

 

Since we have known each other so long, and we're not kids, I have been thinking I probably just need to have a conversation with her but I am open to other thoughts on how to deal with this.

[schlumpy]

She's wrestling with her feelings for you. One moment everything feels right and then she feels guilty so she avoids you for a while.

 

I feel that you want more and probably so does she. Pull back and reign in your enthusiasm. Wait until she is free to become involved before you lay that card on the table.

[Maddie82]

Her emotions are all over the place due to the break up of her marriage. I strongly suggest you don't go after her romantically and just continue to be her friend. If you pursue her romantically while she's in this push and pull phase, where one minute she might be up for it and the next being distant, it will inevitably ruin the friendship.

[Believer1980]

Wow! Thanks for the great responses because they help to put my mind at ease a bit with her.

 

I do have some feelings for her but I have really made an extra effort to keep things in the "friend zone" because neither of us are in a place to take things beyond that. And, as difficult as this will be, I think the best course of action is that I just need to completely back off from her and really make an effort to distance myself from this situation.

 

My only concern, which I obviously can't do anything about, is that there could be other guys like me in the picture and I may not be as high on the pecking order. So if her "first choice" is giving her more attention this could explain why she all of the sudden doesn't respond quite as quickly to me.

 

I would be really ticked off if this is what is going on because we have been friends for so long and it basically would mean that she is only using me as a "place holder" and/or "time filler". And, on the flip side, she could be "testing" me to see how aggressively I will pursue but that would be BS because that's not the type of relationship we have.

[Timshel]

I should point out that I am not where she is in her marriage but I am very close to being in the same place.

 

I do have some feelings for her but I have really made an extra effort to keep things in the "friend zone" because neither of us are in a place to take things beyond that.

 

Are you married?

[Believer1980]

Good question and, yes, I am married and she is, in fact, still married and living with her husband.

 

Her situation is pretty different, however, because she has asked for a divorce and they have essentially decided to keep living in the same home as roommates for financial reasons and until their daughter graduates from high school. They actually have separate bedrooms and really don't do anything together unless its related to their daughter - it's not a good situation.

 

I am in a marriage that has been deteriorating for years and we also have child. My wife and I have zero intimacy and we barely talk - we are essentially two people who kind of tolerate each other. I have thought about asking for a separation but like my friend it's not really financially feasible and truthfully for as much as my wife seems to not give two craps about me she would never go for the roommate situation.

 

But, as i have made clear, my friend and I have not crossed any boundaries and no "feelings" beyond friendship have been expressed . Honestly, I just liked hanging out with her but its very clear to me that I have to walk away for now.

[basil67]

Hi Believer, I think a lot of the problem here is that she's more than a friend to you. If she was one of your mates which needed support, I bet you'd be fine with him coming and going as he needs. Most guys I know have really flexible, undemanding friendships.

 

She's not in a space for romance, and when the dust starts to settle, she'll need time just being single. Please don't have a conversation with her - just treat her as you would any other mate.

[Believer1980]

Thanks basil67 and you are probably correct.

 

For a long time our friendship was actually like you mentioned - really undemanding and with no expectations. We would often text, and call, each other with no response received for a week or more but no one was bothered.

 

 

The issue, no doubt, is that we got really close really quick over the past few months and these feelings for her kind of snuck up on me.

 

Not that I am placing "blame" but when I look at how this got "amped up" it started a few months ago when she had several periods of texting, and calling me, almost on a daily basis even though we already see each other several times per week because of a writers group we both belong to.

 

While it was nice to hear from her more it started to set an expectations a bit higher on my end. I probably should have tried to push back a bit at the time but, and i am being honest here, my friend is easily one of the most beautiful woman I have ever known and it was kind of flattering, and bit of an ego boost, to have a woman like her giving me so much attention when I have such a ****ty situation at home.

 

On her end I think what happens is that when she is feeling exceptionally vulnerable, because of her situation, she reaches out to me for a bit of a "pick up" and an "ego boost". And if happen to contact her during these periods she will respond almost immediately.

 

Anyway, I really appreciate all of the advice and I think I need to let go of my feelings, and a bit of my ego, and just back off a bit and see where things go down the road. I also think I just have to accept the fact that she is in kind of weird place at the moment and until she moves out of it her behavior may be all over the place.

[preraph]

I'm taking the middle ground. I'm going to say her feelings are in general volatile and that she is probably largely confused and overwhelmed. I think sometimes she realizes she is maybe leaning too heavily or crossing the friend boundary with you, through vulnerability and the state her life is in, the need there, but then she "wakes up" and re-establishes the boundary. She catches herself.

 

I am not optimistic that this could turn into a lasting romantic relationship after this many years of friendship. I think there could be a slip-up and then regrets.

 

Your question was how to handle it. The same way you would with a girl who had drunk too much and had never been that affectionate before when sober.

[Believer1980]

Interesting take preraph and I do agree with you that she is in a very volatile place emotionally but no lines have been crossed in a physical sense and no words have been spoken outside the bounds of friendship.

 

Your thought that perhaps she realizing she is leaning on me too heavily and then decides to pull back does make a lot of sense and might explain some of her behavior and what's causing some of my confusion.

 

As to your thought of us having been friends too long to have a successful romantic partnership I don't really agree with that but honestly that's not even on the table right now.

 

I really just would just like to be able to count her as a friend and not feel like I don't know where I stand with her from day to day. I mean it's pretty exhausting that I now feel like every time she calls, or text, me I have to go through a big debate internally on how long I should wait to respond to her.

[Believer1980]

So I am not normally a "game player". Whether you're a friend, lover or family member if you text, or call me, I always try to respond in a reasonable time. With that said, however, I am planning on lightly ghosting a platonic friend I have known for about 15 years and I am wondering if that's the best move (you can see more detail on the situation under the platonic friendship thread).

 

My logic in doing this is that over the past few months I have "caught" feelings for this friend. We have gone from being casual friends who see each other a few times per year to seeing each other several times per week. I think she probably has feelings for me too but she is in the midst of a divorce/separation and I think any vibes I may be getting could be related to the fact that she is seeking some male validation right now. And, no, we haven't crossed any lines just gotten a lot closer emotionally.

 

As I said above, I like to be reliable and really transparent when it comes to responding to people but my friend has become really inconsistent with responding to me. We have weeks where we text message, or talk on the phone, every day. And she is super responsive to virtually every communication I send to her.

 

But other weeks, like the one we're currently in, she will take forever to respond to a text message or voice mail and when does respond it's kind of half-ass. I suspect that she is doing this to either back off a little bit and/or to make clear that she is not at my beck and call.

 

So since we're in what I would call one of her "back off weeks" she chose not to return a VM I left for her on Monday afternoon until Tuesday night. And of course her VM was total BS and it was clear she really didn't have time to talk when she left the message.

 

So at this point I am thinking of not returning the call and, in fact, not initiating any communication with her outside of when I see her in the group we're both involved with.

 

My take is that this allows me to take some control back, get some perspective on the friendship, and give her some space. If she reaches out to ask me to do something or she contacts me more than once I will certainly respond but I just think this seems to be the best way to play this if I want to keep my sanity and not "blow up" the friendship.

 

Thoughts?

[basil67]

As I said in your previous thread, just treat her as you would one of your mates. Would you ignore a call out of the blue from one of your mates?

[schlumpy]

Basil gave you very simple, effective advice. Quit letting you feelings influence your decisions and treat like any other of your friends. That should solve every thing except for your hope that you will get together with her in the future.

[Believer1980]

Thanks for all of the advice and I have decided to just go the route of treating her like every other friend and taking my emotions out of the equation.

 

If she calls, or texts, I will get back to her just like I would with another friend. And if I text, or call her, I will not read anything into her response time or her replies.

 

Consequently, I did actually call her yesterday, and she did call me back a couple of hours later, although I couldn't talk so we ended up texting a bit and that was fine.

 

Also, she is pretty "bad" at texting, which she has told me in the past, but before I didn't really read anything into because I didn't have feelings for her. She also told me that she prefers texting for confirming, and making, plans versus random chit chat.

 

Although it's clear that when she is needing some kind of validation, or support, she ups her texting, and response time, dramatically which I guess I'll just have to get used to and not take it personally one way or the other.

 

Anyway, I feel a lot better now that I have let go of the feelings and just gone back to viewing her as a plain old friend and just take what she wants to give.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Friendship is a very simple concept; this seems a lil' more complex than just friendship. Remove the complexities, keep the friendship.