Financial Incompatibility

[Big Aus]

It's early days yet, but I can see this being a problem.

 

I'm not cheap, but I certainly avoid paying for things I don't have to. I have always believed in saving for the future, and providing for my family. Its how I am hard-wired.

I want to be able to put money towards my kids weddings, help them with deposits on houses, have enough money to live comfortably when I eventually retire, and ultimately leave a little nugget for my kids when I go.

 

So this lady I am seeing is younger than me, but has no savings and no assets. Doesn't even own a car. She works a low-paid casual job and has no ambition to improve on that.

She lives from hand to mouth, working just enough shifts to get by. When she gets her holiday bonus, she blows all on an overseas trip. She is proud of the fact that she isn't concerned about money.

 

So I'll be honest, it annoys be. Irrational perhaps, and its not my business to tell her how to live her life.

But I can't help but wonder what happens in the future?

If we get married who pays for that?

I'd want her to have a car, who pays for that?

Where do we live? In a house I'm paying for?

What about when we retire?

I feel that at some point in the future I would come to resent it.

[schlumpy]

I feel that at some point in the future I would come to resent it.

 

I think your instincts are spot on.

 

The different out looks you both have toward finances are oil and water in a marriage. It will break you apart so I would not pursue a relationship with her unless she can turn around her spending habits. It's not that tough to live within your means and that's all that should be required.

 

Look for someone closer to your mindset. Less fun perhaps but you'll sleep better at night.

[amaysngrace]

You’re putting money over your acceptance of her. Not cool.

 

Just because you want a wedding and a car for her doesn’t mean she wants those things for herself. I’m thinking if she did, she’d work more shifts to have them.

 

Besides, her finances aren’t really your business anyway. She’s not asking you to borrow money, is she?

[basil67]

You say that you want to provide for your family, but apparently you don’t want to provide for your wife. How about being more honest and saying that you want to procide for your potential children but your wife needs to support herself.

[Big Aus]

How is it "not cool"

If she was a serial killer, and I had an issue with that, would that also be "not cool"?

What if she wants 5 kids together, and I don't want any more. Or she wants to live on a farm and I want to live in the city? Would considering those things also make me "not cool"?

 

"her finances aren’t really your business anyway"

so, notwithstanding what the law actually says, if we were to get married, I should refuse to share any of my wealth and income with her?

And what, she stays living in her flat?

[Big Aus]

you want to procide for your potential children

WTF are you on about?

[Cersei]

I am unclear. Are you divorced with an ex and kids to provide for or are you meaning a future family?

 

In any case I don't think getting too serious with this girl is a good idea if saving money is your main goal. Either keep it casual or find someone better suited. I would hate to see you change your financial values because you lost your head with this girl. It happens all the time sadly.

[basil67]

WTF are you on about?

 

You said in your opening post that providing for your family is important to you. But you seem to have an issue providing for your wife. Perhaps you only want to provide for your children?

[amaysngrace]

How is it "not cool"

If she was a serial killer, and I had an issue with that, would that also be "not cool"?

What if she wants 5 kids together, and I don't want any more. Or she wants to live on a farm and I want to live in the city? Would considering those things also make me "not cool"?

 

"her finances aren’t really your business anyway"

so, notwithstanding what the law actually says, if we were to get married, I should refuse to share any of my wealth and income with her?

And what, she stays living in her flat?

 

She’s not a serial killer though. She just has different priorities than you.

 

You yourself say it’s not your business in your opening post. Stick with that.

 

And what if? what if? all you’d like. You’re a planner, she’s not. Rather than worrying about what if? stick with what you know. Don’t ask her to marry you if it’s such an issue for you.

 

Problem solved.

[Mr. Lucky]

But I can't help but wonder what happens in the future?

If we get married who pays for that?

I'd want her to have a car, who pays for that?

Where do we live? In a house I'm paying for?

What about when we retire?

I feel that at some point in the future I would come to resent it.

 

Big Aus, when I met my wife, she was a teacher in a low-income school. Not only wasn’t she making much, she spent a substantial portion of her take-home pay on her student’s educational and economic survival, everything from school supplies to toothbrushes, delousing shampoo to Christmas trees.

 

So my interest in her wasn’t for her earnings potential . Seeing how she cared for and connected with people (me included), I thought she make a great partner in life and mother to our eventual children. In doing so, I knew I’d have primary responsibility for our financial success, but was confident she’d contribute in other equally important ways. And honestly, after 30+ years and 4 kids and despite the fact I’ve provided us with a comfortable living, I’m more ‘in debt’ to her than she to me.

 

Sometimes, it’s about more than money...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Thicke2013]

I personally think you are asking the right questions and observing a new relationship as you should. You state in your opening line that this is still in the early stages and you are seeing glaring differences in you and this person. This doesn't make either of you right or wrong so to speak but it may very well make you incompatible. Early in a relationship is the time to sort out such things as financial goals, marriage goals, children, etc. Better to find out now that you aren't compatible then 5 years down the road with a mortgage and 2 kids in the mix. A wise person once told me that minor differences become magnified in a marriage. If you are having these doubts now, early on, then maybe its time to step back and evaluate if this is a person you see in your future at all. Good luck OP.

[Rockdad]

It's a notable thing that Big Aus is looking ahead at the money issue instead of falling into one of the top relationship pitfall couples find themselves in. His post reads as he is interested in responsible money management, nothing wrong with that. She is a fly by the seat of her pants type and that is who she is. Why wouldn't he be wondering the future if he would be shouldering the financial burden. It is also okay if it doesn't appeal for a person not to want to carry that load. Is this a solvable problem within himself so he does not turn resentful since she has no problem the way it stands?

[mark clemson]

Yes, it's not the earnings per se, but the attitude towards money. This sort of thing can cause a lot of friction later on in a LTR and it's right IMO to question and consider whether a LTR makes sense with someone where views on money/finances are poorly aligned.

[BTDT2012]

This isn't really a money problem. It doesn't seem that your lifestyles are compatible. You don't have shared priorities.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Seems to me if you grew to love her enough she'd become family and you wouldn't really care that much since she'd probably add non-monetary value to the relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

^^^ Exactly!

 

Marriage and children don't make sense from a purely financial return basis anyway. After 4 kids, I can vouch for the fact they generally make lousy investments - millions spent, I can barely get the trash taken out.

 

When it comes to house, home and family, it's about your cumulative strengths as a team, to me that trumps individual earning power. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

they generally make lousy investments

 

:lmao::lmao:

[mark clemson]

 

 

Until you need someone to keep an eye on you after the spouse dies or in assisted living.

[Geraltt]

When I was in the midst of looking for someone, one of the top priorities I had was financial compatibility.

 

It's just like being compatible in other ways; having similar mind-sets to, say, sex or children or how to deal with in-laws, etc etc.

 

Being incompatible in this manner means someone (the breadwinner) always feels taken advantage of, and the spender always feels that they're being hounded about how much they spend.

 

It's not a good start to a relationship.

 

Can it be overcome? Perhaps. But, IMHO, an awful lot of other things have to line up almost perfectly in order to make this work.

 

Good luck!

[S2B]

Be aware, some folks that have a lot of stuff also have a LOT of debt.

 

Having a lot doesn’t correspond with earning. And having a little may actually mean she has no debt.

[Mr. Lucky]

Being incompatible in this manner means someone (the breadwinner) always feels taken advantage of, and the spender always feels that they're being hounded about how much they spend.

 

Again, depends on your orientation. I always knew I wanted kids, which meant one of us wasn't going to be consistently working outside the home. So a potential spouse's 'career path' meant less to me than her ability to partner in the life I envisioned together.

 

I'd rather be with a 'good' person than someone who has a 'good' job. Expensive things and vacations are nice, but I've got to live with that person the other 50 weeks a year. While I understand each person sees this differently, evaluating a romantic candidate like you were conducting a job interview ("what are your salary requirements?") never made sense to me...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluEyeL]

If you have this mindset and she isn't careful with money, then yes, you will have to pay for everything.

 

If you continue the relationship with this lady, be prepared to accept this fact. She'll also probably want to quit her job, since it seems that she doesn't have a career. Maybe it's too much of a speculation, but I don't see why she'd want to continue to work in a low paying job after getting married. Many women don't.

 

Especially if this would be a second marriage, you have kids from another relationship, and are not prepared to completely provide for her, do not continue the relationship and look for someone who has more assets and a saver's mindset. She may also have expectations of you providing vacations overseas too, since she's younger than you are and she likes that stuff enough to blow her bonus on them.

 

She may be an excellent wife and mother, but to someone else, someone who doesn't look for a wife to pull her weight in a financial way and is prepared to provide for her and the children as well.

Edited September 11, 2019 by BluEyeL

[Ruby Slippers]

So this lady I am seeing is younger than me, but has no savings and no assets. Doesn't even own a car. She works a low-paid casual job and has no ambition to improve on that.

She lives from hand to mouth, working just enough shifts to get by. When she gets her holiday bonus, she blows all on an overseas trip. She is proud of the fact that she isn't concerned about money.

She has a childish attitude toward money and expects a man to take care of her. Doesn't sound like that's going to be you.

 

And I don't blame you. If I were a man, I'm pretty sure I'd be prepared to provide for the entire family on my own. However, I wouldn't be interested in a woman who's so financially short-sighted and irresponsible. Way too risky.

[HusbandFather77]

It's early days yet, but I can see this being a problem.

 

I'm not cheap, but I certainly avoid paying for things I don't have to. I have always believed in saving for the future, and providing for my family. Its how I am hard-wired.

I want to be able to put money towards my kids weddings, help them with deposits on houses, have enough money to live comfortably when I eventually retire, and ultimately leave a little nugget for my kids when I go.

 

So this lady I am seeing is younger than me, but has no savings and no assets. Doesn't even own a car. She works a low-paid casual job and has no ambition to improve on that.

She lives from hand to mouth, working just enough shifts to get by. When she gets her holiday bonus, she blows all on an overseas trip. She is proud of the fact that she isn't concerned about money.

 

So I'll be honest, it annoys be. Irrational perhaps, and its not my business to tell her how to live her life.

But I can't help but wonder what happens in the future?

If we get married who pays for that?

I'd want her to have a car, who pays for that?

Where do we live? In a house I'm paying for?

What about when we retire?

I feel that at some point in the future I would come to resent it.

 

You pay for it! Where else would she get the money? Do you really need someone to tell you this? Look at her behavior. Look at how she spends money, look at the things that are a priority in her life. That is what you do and if your worried about it now that's a sign she probably isn't the right person for you. Why would you get married if you already have a problem with her financial decisions? The other thing you could do is talk to her about it.

[spiderowl]

Sounds like you are incompatible financially. She is probably always going to not care about saving and you will be getting irritated that she is 'wasting' money. It might be a matter of spending priorities, i.e. if she doesn't have much, she might want a treat once in a while, but regardless you are not comfortable with it.

 

You like saving and she's not bothered about that (at the moment). She might be more impulsive generally and maybe prefers not to plan too far ahead. You could be very different in those respects. Could you cope with it?