Caauug Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 Big Aus, when I met my wife, she was a teacher in a low-income school. Not only wasn’t she making much, she spent a substantial portion of her take-home pay on her student’s educational and economic survival, everything from school supplies to toothbrushes, delousing shampoo to Christmas trees. So my interest in her wasn’t for her earnings potential . Seeing how she cared for and connected with people (me included), I thought she make a great partner in life and mother to our eventual children. In doing so, I knew I’d have primary responsibility for our financial success, but was confident she’d contribute in other equally important ways. And honestly, after 30+ years and 4 kids and despite the fact I’ve provided us with a comfortable living, I’m more ‘in debt’ to her than she to me. Sometimes, it’s about more than money... Mr. Lucky Yes, this could be it!!! It was with me but I made the mistake of letting her look after the finances... I was slow to see she changed from saver and she blew a lot on anything but the future. I would say set me back 5-10 yrs on retiring..... Kinda leaves a bitter taste in your mouth when they want to spend everything you worked hard for, on anyone else. If you proceed, be careful and communicate openly while controlling your own finances. It is hard when you take away responsibilities from your partner.... My mistake and I am still working through it... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 If you proceed, be careful and communicate openly while controlling your own finances. It is hard when you take away responsibilities from your partner.... My mistake and I am still working through it... Not sure how one person ‘controls’ a couple’s finances unless you’re prepared to battle on a daily basis. Certainly agree that communication and common goals are key points... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AMarriedMan Posted September 24, 2019 Share Posted September 24, 2019 I'm not cheap, but I certainly avoid paying for things I don't have to. I have always believed in saving for the future, and providing for my family. Its how I am hard-wired. So, you're wired to be future-oriented. She lives from hand to mouth, working just enough shifts to get by. When she gets her holiday bonus, she blows all on an overseas trip. She is proud of the fact that she isn't concerned about money. I'll say it like it is. You two are not financially compatible in the least and you shouldn't consider even living together. You can date this woman if you want to but a joint household would be a disaster. So I'll be honest, it annoys be. Irrational perhaps, and its not my business to tell her how to live her life. But I can't help but wonder what happens in the future? If we get married who pays for that? Don't get married! I'd want her to have a car, who pays for that? Where do we live? In a house I'm paying for? What about when we retire? I feel that at some point in the future I would come to resent it. If you marry this woman, you can most likely kiss your comfortable retirement or being able to help your children financially goodbye. Only consider a serious relationship with this woman if you are a glutton for punishment. One more thing. Always wear a condom when you have sex with her, even if she says she's on the pill. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AMarriedMan Posted September 24, 2019 Share Posted September 24, 2019 Again, depends on your orientation. I always knew I wanted kids, which meant one of us wasn't going to be consistently working outside the home. So a potential spouse's 'career path' meant less to me than her ability to partner in the life I envisioned together. How is your experience relevant to what OP is describing? OP likes to plan ahead and prepare for contingencies. The woman he has begun seeing has the complete opposite preferences. If the two shack up together let alone marry and have kids, all of the present issues will be magnified greatly. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 25, 2019 Share Posted September 25, 2019 How is your experience relevant to what OP is describing? The OP has posted a number of threads about the issues involved in getting married and starting a family at his point in life. If that's his goal, his partner's earning capability is less relevant than her suitability as a spouse and parent. YMMV... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted September 25, 2019 Share Posted September 25, 2019 The OP has posted a number of threads about the issues involved in getting married and starting a family at his point in life. If that's his goal, his partner's earning capability is less relevant than her suitability as a spouse and parent. YMMV... Mr. Lucky I agree with you. However, people prioritize different qualities in a marriage. It's perfectly fine for the OP to want a successful woman with a sensible approach to finances. OP, it's quite obvious that you simply are not compatible with your girlfriend. It would be best to end it now rather than wasting each other's time. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted September 25, 2019 Share Posted September 25, 2019 She has a childish attitude toward money and expects a man to take care of her. Doesn't sound like that's going to be you. And I don't blame you. If I were a man, I'm pretty sure I'd be prepared to provide for the entire family on my own. However, I wouldn't be interested in a woman who's so financially short-sighted and irresponsible. Way too risky. Yes. There is absolutely a difference between having no money and being irresponsible with finances. It's also a bad sign that the OP's girlfriend has no ambition. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 25, 2019 Share Posted September 25, 2019 Looks like you would be better matched with a gal who is financially independent and stable with a savings to back her up. Date someone else. I think you’d grow to really resent this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted September 26, 2019 Share Posted September 26, 2019 Not sure how one person ‘controls’ a couple’s finances unless you’re prepared to battle on a daily basis. Certainly agree that communication and common goals are key points... Mr. Lucky Yes it was a battle at first. She has come to accept that she will never again have control of my money. She works and pays for food, her own car, anything left she can spend as she feels fit. I pay for everything else. The story behind this: My wife always looked after the finances since we got married and did a very good job for a lot of years. About 10yrs ago I was working at a mine that was closing down. At the end I walked out with close to $250K gross for 6 months work that year. I had spent a lot of time at work in those 6 months and planned to take the next 6 months off (to reduce tax). My wife decided to take pity on anyone and everyone that needed money and gave a lot (more than half) away without even telling me. She no longer has access to my pay or to my accounts. That bridge is long blown up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AMarriedMan Posted September 26, 2019 Share Posted September 26, 2019 (edited) If that's his goal, his partner's earning capability is less relevant than her suitability as a spouse and parent. YMMV... Mr. Lucky This is not about his potential future wife's earning capacity. It's about her attitude toward money. He is a future-oriented person and she is one who lives hand-to-mouth. Being the sole breadwinner of a family and having a financially irresponsible stay-at-home spouse is a recipe for pain. (If the spendthrift is the sole breadwinner, then the situation becomes an absolute disaster in short order.) Earning a lot of money is unnecessary if one is content with leading a low-cost lifestyle. Earning capacity is only one half of the equation. I can very well imagine a family having a single breadwinner can work well if both spouses are financially responsible. And a couple can have two high incomes and still be in serious and constant trouble financially. Edited September 26, 2019 by AMarriedMan 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RedBaron2765 Posted September 26, 2019 Share Posted September 26, 2019 Yes it was a battle at first. She has come to accept that she will never again have control of my money. She works and pays for food, her own car, anything left she can spend as she feels fit. I pay for everything else. The story behind this: My wife always looked after the finances since we got married and did a very good job for a lot of years. About 10yrs ago I was working at a mine that was closing down. At the end I walked out with close to $250K gross for 6 months work that year. I had spent a lot of time at work in those 6 months and planned to take the next 6 months off (to reduce tax). My wife decided to take pity on anyone and everyone that needed money and gave a lot (more than half) away without even telling me. She no longer has access to my pay or to my accounts. That bridge is long blown up. Good Lord, this sounds like my wife. We both have good jobs (I make more than her) and have two little kids. She's given several thousand to her idiot sister who came to her with sob stories, and she's paid around $10K in bills for her parents (who, to be fair, don't know that she's done this, and they'd be upset if they found out). She's paid most of these out of her savings account (which is where part of each paycheck goes), and claims that she'll tell her parents what she's done once they get some money in (they're living in a facility due to old age/health, and are waiting for some gov't funds to come in). I told her that she shouldn't do this, or if she does, then her siblings need to chip in (fat chance, especially the sister, who is good at taking, not giving), but she doesn't listen to me. This is why I only take home enough out of my business to pay the bills, and the rest stays in the business. If she wants to drain her savings to be her family's trust fund, then it's going to be with her money, not mine. I also stand to inherit a few hundred thousand when my mom passes (I'm not counting on it, as she's paying a lot for her care, but figure that there will be some left over for my brother and me), and if I do get it, she won't have access to it either. I'm not going into the poorhouse because she feels like she has to support her parents and her dumbass sister. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 26, 2019 Share Posted September 26, 2019 It's about her attitude toward money. He is a future-oriented person and she is one who lives hand-to-mouth. AMarriedMan, you make some good points but, like many future projections, they're not necessarily scalable. There was a time in my younger life when my goals were: 1). Skiing 2). Partying 3). Making time for skiing and partying And yet somehow I married, raised a family, put 4 kids through college and prepared for retirement. People do change and adapt to their situations. I'd rather be with a 'good' person than someone who has a 'good' job. Still true for me... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 26, 2019 Share Posted September 26, 2019 I think it's wise to remember that, if you're with a person who can't/won't save and isn't line for an inheritance of some sort, whatever YOU can save is all you're likely to have for BOTH of you to live on (beyond Social Security which won't help much for many folks). Having to choose at 80 between heat, lunch, and mooching off your kids isn't something you want for yourself. Trying to stay smart is the best policy IMO. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted September 26, 2019 Share Posted September 26, 2019 If you marry this woman, you can most likely kiss your comfortable retirement or being able to help your children financially goodbye. Only consider a serious relationship with this woman if you are a glutton for punishment. Exactly. Clearly, she'd be a financial drain on you and your entire life's work. Bad deal! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AMarriedMan Posted September 27, 2019 Share Posted September 27, 2019 And yet somehow I married, raised a family, put 4 kids through college and prepared for retirement. People do change and adapt to their situations. What I'm saying is that it's a bad bet to base anything on anyone changing what appears to be their nature. It is certainly a very good idea observe your prospective partner very closely and try and figure out their character without making any big commitments. Especially if one's gut instincts are warning about some aspects of their behavior, that should not be ignored. How old are OP and the woman she's dating? OP does not sound too young. He says the woman is younger than him. How young? He says she's proud of living hand-to-mouth. People can change but betting on it is just stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted September 29, 2019 Share Posted September 29, 2019 Money issues is one of the major reasons for divorce. Its too important to not be on the same page. Now people can change, and learn to be financially savvy, if they havent been. Its something that has to be learned. The trick is, if they want to learn. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MountainGirl111 Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 Money is actually a big deal for most people. Look at it this way: When you follow the money on someone it tells much about that person. What a person spends their money on says a lot about their character. People who spend money that is not theirs can breed a lot of resentment. Consider that financial woes are one of the leading causes of divorce today! If OP is already questioning this chicks money matters and envisioning it will cause resentment in the future, that's not a good sign. For some people a person's potential earning power can make that person more attractive, be they a man or a woman. It's true. Do you realize how many guys are attracted to a lady who can take care of herself? There are a lot of potential resentments that can crop up at any time in a relationship. One partner may resent the other for pulling more weight in the relationship and being the more responsible one. That's totally understandable. Many folks change, though, as they mature. This could also be an age difference thing. Link to post Share on other sites
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