Am I wanting too much? Or he is an *******?

[Miawas]

Hello! I'm 24 y.o. girl and my bf is 25. We are together since year. But recently I really feel things have changed between us. My boyfriend can be very sweet, he can be a gentleman. However I really feel that I feel bad in this relationship.

 

My boyfriend can be very rude. Not only to me but also to other people, to the waitress, to the casheer and so on. Last time I was at his house he told me I didnt shave properly and why, I knew that we meet and I knew that he likes me to be shaved completety ( I really try to do what he wants but I feel he wants me to be perfect). When we were on vacations he was telling me I have swimmingsuit like Borat. last time he told me I should walk straight, not like quasimodo. He told me many things like that before and when I mention in he tells me It was a joke and I'm too sensitive.

 

I really feel like he is pushing things on me. For example I wanted to go to the cinema last weekend because I have to commute to his place. He told me it's better to go during week cause it's cheaper (althoug I have to pay for bus tickets so for me it's not cheaper) so I said okay. Today he told me we can go tomorrow and he already told all his friends to go with us. I told him we can go at 5, he replied he is not 10 y.o. and we will go at 7. The thought I will sleep at his place but he didn't tell me but for him it was clear I will. He got mad at me and instead of asking me normally he started to send angry emojis. And In the end I gave up and agreed to sleep at his place. Althouhg I didnt want it. Last time we had argument because supposedly I dont say whay I want and all I do is tell him lies ... And when I say whay I want he makes drama so I will do what he wants anyways. He uses NEVERMIND all the time. It makes me feel so ****.

 

He wants me to come 150 km to his place but we don't go out together. We sit at his place and he watches F1 or basketball. When I want to go out for walk he asks me " And what do you want to do ?" . When we go out he tells me it would be nice to call his friend. I feel like I'm boring to him because we go out with his friends more than alone.

 

Last time I was telling him about my weekend with friends and he asked me If I were on a party. We went to restaurant and to the club. First I told him about restaurant and then we started talking about something else. Then I told him we were in club but for a half an hour because my friend felt sick. He got mad and asked me why I told him first that we went to the food place and not to the food place and then to the club. That I Ignored this aspect and I avoid this question ( I didn't avoid, I didnt hide it, I told about it to him...)

 

The thing is I try to talk to him. But he is so fierce... I feel like I want to much, like I annoy him. I really don't know what to do. He can get angry over such a small things. I have a feeling that I have no right to be angry or mad, I should shut up and not say anything. I should be happy that I'm with him because he does so much to me. Yes, he does. But I feel like he does less and less. That he tries less and less. He has a great job and I feel like he wants me to be a perfect doll. I feel like he is really materialistic. He ALWAYS has to be on top, he always has to be right. Even though I want to make up, I'm calm nice, send emojis and try to talk he can just answer to me like very dry. I'm sometimes really stressed and I don't want to make him angry.

 

Maybe I'm overacting and overthinking. I don't know but he never bought me flowers or anything. He never posted pic together. I come to the station and he stopped to pick me up, he expects me to come to his place. I don't know what to think... Please help

Edited September 10, 2019 by Miawas

[Redhead14]

This guy is not a boyfriend, he's a gestapo officer . . .

 

A relationship with a man should not be exhausting and stressful and constricting. Dump this guy today.

[Stevnx3]

This guy is a controlling person and has not right to treat you this way. He is not the man you need in your life right now. You will be better off to leave him. It is better than being belittled and hurt constantly. You deserve a real man. Not someone who will treat you this way or others around you that is also very embarrassing. It may not feel good to do so, but you're best off leaving em, before it is too late and more complicated.

 

Invest your emotions in those who will reciprocate that love. No one is perfect, but this guy is a regular day ahole

[stillafool]

How do you stand this guy? Can you imagine being married to this Nag? You'd be miserable and aging before your time. Next him.

[basil67]

I knew by the second sentence, second paragraph that he's a very unpleasant man. Rudeness to waitstaff and cashiers should be an automatic deal breaker. Remove him from your life.

[preraph]

You need to have higher standards than this. His bad manners and controlling nature are a dealbreaker. Almost anyone would be better than him. And on top of that, he tries to make you look stupid for being offended.

 

Serious, dump him today.

[The Outlaw]

Guys like that aren't even worth a dime a dozen. If you don't ditch him, things will only escalate from here.

[mark clemson]

I feel like I want to much, like I annoy him. I really don't know what to do. He can get angry over such a small things. I have a feeling that I have no right to be angry or mad, I should shut up and not say anything. I should be happy that I'm with him because he does so much to me. Yes, he does. But I feel like he does less and less. That he tries less and less. He has a great job and I feel like he wants me to be a perfect doll. I feel like he is really materialistic. He ALWAYS has to be on top, he always has to be right. Even though I want to make up, I'm calm nice, send emojis and try to talk he can just answer to me like very dry. I'm sometimes really stressed and I don't want to make him angry.

 

Maybe I'm overacting and overthinking. I don't know but he never bought me flowers or anything. He never posted pic together. I come to the station and he stopped to pick me up, he expects me to come to his place. I don't know what to think... Please help

 

 

I think he may have some tendencies of a personality disorder, such as narcissistic personality disorder. These things will make it very difficult and problematic to stay with him for a long time. You may be becoming codependent, which is also very problematic in the long run.

 

Based on what you are describing, I very much think you should leave the relationship.

 

He may make it very difficult to leave by trying very hard to get you back. This also aligns with personality disorders. You will have to stay firm mentally on your decision, which may not be easy.

[Miawas]

I think he may have some tendencies of a personality disorder, such as narcissistic personality disorder. These things will make it very difficult and problematic to stay with him for a long time. You may be becoming codependent, which is also very problematic in the long run.

 

Based on what you are describing, I very much think you should leave the relationship.

 

He may make it very difficult to leave by trying very hard to get you back. This also aligns with personality disorders. You will have to stay firm mentally on your decision, which may not be easy.

 

Yes, that might be true. The thing is I really love him and I dont know how to break up. He also has many good traits but I dont know, I started to feel like bad ones overcome good ones. He is a perfectionist, he puts a lot of attention to everything. Even when we walk and there are people passing us by he can be irritated because I was supposed to pass them first, otherway we could crash if we come together. For him everything has to be logic, he told me Im not thinking logically many times about stupid things.

 

I really feel sometimes Im tiptoeing around him. I dont want to make him angry. I feel like it is taking my energy but on the other hand it’s so difficult to find someone loyal ane honest

[stillafool]

Stop being afraid to be alone until the right guy comes along. You waste your life staying with a person who doesn't value you. Fear can keep you from missing out on an awesome life.

[d0nnivain]

. I have a feeling that I have no right to be angry or mad, I should shut up and not say anything. I should be happy that I'm with him because he does so much to me. Yes, he does. But I feel like he does less and less. That he tries less and less. He has a great job and I feel like he wants me to be a perfect doll. I feel like he is really materialistic. He ALWAYS has to be on top, he always has to be right. Even though I want to make up, I'm calm nice, send emojis and try to talk he can just answer to me like very dry. I'm sometimes really stressed and I don't want to make him angry.(

 

Do you see the unequal power dynamic here? You try & try & try but you see yourself as a second class citizen in your own relationship. It's all about what HE wants. What about what you want? Why should you be happy to be with him? Shouldn't he be happy to be with you?

 

A good partner will uplift their SO, not knock them down & constantly criticize.

[imhappy]

Yes, that might be true. The thing is I really love him and I dont know how to break up. He also has many good traits but I dont know, I started to feel like bad ones overcome good ones. He is a perfectionist, he puts a lot of attention to everything. Even when we walk and there are people passing us by he can be irritated because I was supposed to pass them first, otherway we could crash if we come together. For him everything has to be logic, he told me Im not thinking logically many times about stupid things.

 

I really feel sometimes Im tiptoeing around him. I dont want to make him angry. I feel like it is taking my energy but on the other hand it’s so difficult to find someone loyal ane honest

 

It's not hard to find someone loyal and honest. But it is hard to be with someone who treats you like crap. Dump him and after a few months you will be a million times happier than you are now.

[mark clemson]

The thing is I really love him and I dont know how to break up.

 

You break up by breaking up. Tell him you're done and to leave you alone. Move out to your own place. Block him on the phone and social media. Be gentle to yourself as you will probably cry and be depressed for at least a week or two, possibly longer. The feelings of sadness eventually fade. Then you are ready to meet someone new.

 

It's easier said than done, but people do it all the time. And they get over it and move on just fine.

 

 

I really feel sometimes Im tiptoeing around him. I dont want to make him angry. I feel like it is taking my energy but on the other hand it’s so difficult to find someone loyal ane honest

 

This is early in the relationship and as you said above is getting worse. You posted here because at some level you know there is a problem. Think how you'll feel in 5 years - like you're living with a monster.

 

There is no guarantee he will stay loyal and honest, particularly if he has strong PD tendencies unfortunately.

[spiderowl]

Oh dear, Miawas, your boyfriend is a controlling guy with an anger problem. It is no wonder you are feeling unhappy. He is trying to make you feel bad because then it is easier to manipulate you when you he has convinced you that you are in the wrong.

 

He is just springing things on you without consultation. He does not consider your feelings. He is micromanaging your body! What right has he to tell you you have to shave completely?

 

If you stay with him and put up with this abuse, you will become a shell of the person you once were. Your instinct is telling you things are not right. Please pay attention to your feelings. Remember, you are feeling:

 

- Pressured

- Criticised

- Dominated

- Shouted at

- Off-balance

- Unhappy

- Hurt

 

and on it goes ...

 

You deserve to be treated with respect, kindness and love, not this bullying. Unless you really want a guy to dominate you and control every aspect of your life - even your personal grooming - you need to dump him.

 

If you do decide to dump him, I would recommend doing it on the phone and not seeing him for ages afterwards. Tell him the reasons, if he asks, and then leave it at that. He will probably react angrily and try to make out you are making a fuss about nothing or misunderstanding him. For your own sake, do not be fooled into staying with him.

 

Keep any messages he sends and make a note of any way he tries to contact you, if he does. Make a note if he tries to threaten you. I have a feeling this guy is not going to go quietly. If you do feel he is a threat, make others aware that you have finished with him and that you are on guard because he sounds threatening. Be aware of who is around you. Hopefully none of this advice will be necessary but controlling guys can be dangerous.

Edited September 12, 2019 by spiderowl

[Commongoal123]

After reading your post, I feel the need to ask:

 

What is sweet about him again?

 

This guy sounds like an emotional manipulator and emotional abuser.

 

I dont really need to know what is sweet about him. Two sides like this to a person is a major red flag.

 

You'd be better off finding someone who is kind.

 

His "jokes" are abusive. Look this up online.

 

-Common

[Redhead14]

Yes, that might be true. The thing is I really love him and I dont know how to break up. He also has many good traits but I dont know, I started to feel like bad ones overcome good ones. He is a perfectionist, he puts a lot of attention to everything. Even when we walk and there are people passing us by he can be irritated because I was supposed to pass them first, otherway we could crash if we come together. For him everything has to be logic, he told me Im not thinking logically many times about stupid things.

 

I really feel sometimes Im tiptoeing around him. I dont want to make him angry. I feel like it is taking my energy but on the other hand it’s so difficult to find someone loyal ane honest

 

 

You don't love HIM, you love who you wish he would be and just having a relationship. You will start feeling lonely and "overworked" because you're feeling like you're walking on eggshells all the time and trying to be compliant all the time. He may very well have good qualities, but overall he's just not the right guy for you or else you'd be happy/ier.

 

 

"Difficult to find someone loyal and honest" -- The trick is to find someone who is loyal and honest and treats you well. If you don't have both, you don't have a relationship. I'd rather be alone than feel alone in a relationship.

[Miawas]

You don't love HIM, you love who you wish he would be and just having a relationship. You will start feeling lonely and "overworked" because you're feeling like you're walking on eggshells all the time and trying to be compliant all the time. He may very well have good qualities, but overall he's just not the right guy for you or else you'd be happy/ier.

 

 

"Difficult to find someone loyal and honest" -- The trick is to find someone who is loyal and honest and treats you well. If you don't have both, you don't have a relationship. I'd rather be alone than feel alone in a relationship.

 

 

Thank you for EVERYONE who commented and gave me advice. You are such wise people, I think it needed to be said out loud what I was feeling for a long time. I know what I need to do now. I need to be strong and break up. Relationships are not easy, people are not perfect. But yes, I don't want to be with person who is manipulative and abusive and is proud about it. I don't want to get up everyday thinking about what mood he is in and what he will tell me next. I don't want to be with someone who is making drama over smallest things just to show who is the boss. I want to be with someone who is kind to me, even after an argument or during argument. His lifestyle and my lifestyle don't match. Our personalities don't match. I'm tired of being sorry for everything I do... I'm tired of his jokes, calling people stupid all the time.

 

 

Thank you once again <3

[Redhead14]

Miawas,

 

 

You need to make sure you are strong and steadfast when you tell him you're moving on. People like him, and you know this already, are manipulative and become either worse toward a partner who wants to leave and makes it difficult or they become very docile and try to play on your sympathies, emotions, etc. and make you feel sorry for them. I can "hear" it in your post that you may be someone who is very nurturing and kind. It's time for you to look out for yourself first and foremost and be your own advocate.

 

 

Be straight up honest with him -- you are not happy in the relationship and wish him well. Don't go into a whole long story or go through a bunch of examples of what you don't like about him or what he does or doesn't do. There is no point in that. Keep it short and simple.

 

 

 

Good luck. You're doing the right thing.