Men do not put effort with me..

[QueenMay]

Hello All,

 

I am dating guys I am meeting online and I started to think I must be really not worth dating because only one guy I was dating was really putting the effort and it felt amazing! I am not a 'princess' and I put effort myself (not too much at the beginning to not scare them off) but it would be so nice to meet someone with whom I would feel he cares...

I am talking about guys who text me first, ask me out and seem kind of interested but just not putting effort

- they don't ask questions about me or only ask 'how are u' and then talk about themselves only

- they do not put effort in planning dates (going for a walks all the time or asking me out and asking me where we should go and I need to plan it) or asking me out last minute

- taking many hours to reply the message

- not putting effort to remember facts about me or even confusing facts about other girls they are seeing (initial stages of dating)

- not walking me to the bus stop or asking if I got home if I go back home late at night

- being focued on sex only

- breadcrumbing

- dating me for e.g. 2 months and still using dating sites

 

Is it becasue I am ugly, stupid and totally not desirable or it's just how online dating is/men nowadays are? I ask a lot of questions, I take care of my looks, have a lot of passions, I can plan interesting dates because I have many interests and live in big city and there's a lot going on.

Edited September 11, 2019 by QueenMay

[Sunlight72]

I don't know exactly why these guys would be generally lazy with dating, except that women keep letting them behave like that and still go out with them. My guess would be that they rely more on their looks & charm to attract women than they rely on effort and attentiveness.

 

What I think you can do is choose different guys. To be frank, if you want guys who treat you as more special, I would suggest just dialing down a little in the guys you pick. Just a little less good looking. Just a little less smooth with their dress and charm.

 

In my (limited) experience with dating women, the ones who are attractive to me, but are not so flashy-pretty are more appreciative to date me, put in more effort, and are more attentive than the ones who are flashy-pretty. I would bet a lot of money it's the same with men.

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

[crispytoast]

The problem is that online dating naturally leaves people jaded. As a man, I've generally experienced that less works better than more. There was a time that I would've liked to meet a legitimate partner through online dating. I look back on that time and laugh.

[Foxhall]

You sound like a good catch to me!

 

I dont know, perhaps when they are talking about themselves- you are giving off a disinterested or bored vibe and that is preventing them from being interested in finding out more about you- not connecting as such.

 

maybe the guys are bringing a negative attitude to the table based on feeling they have no chance with you anyway- a lack of confidence just.

 

guys also like to keep their options open, it is hard to find a true connection and they prefer to casually meet a number of different ladies and not get too wrapped up in the date initially.

 

My problem has tended to be the opposite, I prefer to listen and let the date speak but am not always comfortable talking about myself, I need to to feel comfortable with the lady before I can talk openly about myself-

the lady I met recently I do enjoy both talking and listening and that is indicative that we have "connected"

Edited September 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[QueenMay]

You sound like a good catch to me!

 

I dont know, perhaps when they are talking about themselves- you are giving off a disinterested or bored vibe and that is preventing them from being interested in finding out more about you- not connecting as such.

 

 

I ask a lot of questions and I am genuinely interested in other people so I am engaged in the conversation. I also like to organise creative dates, simply it would be nice to get the same in return.

I think the issue is as you said that men tend to string many women along and they cannot choose one person due to too many options..I'm tired of hearing from guys that they care for me, talking about plans for the future but at the same time not making the effort. Online dating is exhausing

Edited September 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

I get it. You want to feel a bit special....nothing wrong with that. Problem is, OLD is the wrong vehicle for feeling special in early dates.

 

OLD is commonly known as a numbers game. Guys can't reasonably be expected to plan nice or interesting dates for all the girls they are seeing. Not only would it cost them a fortune, they could be stuck at a dinner table for an hour or two with Bertha Boring. Same thing with getting women confused...it's bound to happen when you're multi dating early on.

 

However, if you were to meet men in real life, you'd build a rapport with him before even going on a date. He'd be much more likely to plan a nice date because he already knows that you're not going to be a waste of time. Likewise, you'd already know whether or not he can hold a conversation before accepting the date. Real life would be a far better choice for you.

 

Naturally, if you find a guy through OLD who you do get on well with, it's perfectly reasonable to expect him to make the effort for nice dates when you've both stopped dating others.

[d0nnivain]

The point of dating is to determine if you are compatible. If in the course of going on a few dates you conclude the man could care less move on. To sit there & complain he has to change simply frustrates everyone.

[QueenMay]

I get it. You want to feel a bit special....nothing wrong with that. Problem is, OLD is the wrong vehicle for feeling special in early dates.

 

OLD is commonly known as a numbers game. Guys can't reasonably be expected to plan nice or interesting dates for all the girls they are seeing. Not only would it cost them a fortune, they could be stuck at a dinner table for an hour or two with Bertha Boring. Same thing with getting women confused...it's bound to happen when you're multi dating early on.

 

However, if you were to meet men in real life, you'd build a rapport with him before even going on a date. He'd be much more likely to plan a nice date because he already knows that you're not going to be a waste of time. Likewise, you'd already know whether or not he can hold a conversation before accepting the date. Real life would be a far better choice for you.

 

Naturally, if you find a guy through OLD who you do get on well with, it's perfectly reasonable to expect him to make the effort for nice dates when you've both stopped dating others.

That 's a pity I don't meet any single guys in real life..

I see your point. However, I think if they don't ask me much questions, how are they supposed to get to know me? Also I don't expect dinner dates. I live in a big city, it's summer, a lot of exhibitions, free air cinema, free concerts, a lot of things for free! Also if I go for a walk on a first date and guy tells me he's smitted, wouldn't he try to organise something better for second date?

After how long should I expect the guy to be putting more effort- one month is enough?

[Maddie82]

Maybe you should lower your expectations. I'm getting the impression that you may be overwhelming them a little with your particular ways. You seem to go all out to arrange particular things for dates and that might be a bit too much. Arrange a simple meet at a bar or cafe and just go with the flow.

[d0nnivain]

That 's a pity I don't meet any single guys in real life..

 

After how long should I expect the guy to be putting more effort- one month is enough?

 

If you are not meeting men in real life you have to shake up what you are doing. How often do you put yourself in new situations designed to enable you to meet men? If the answers isn't weekly, change what you are doing.

 

The effort on both sides should last a lifetime. I lived with a guy for 10 years. He still put in effort. My husband I have been together for 13 years. He still puts in effort.

 

One month? Oh honey, you need to raise the bar.

[scooby-philly]

OP,

 

I can relate to your frustrations - first of all - hang in there.

 

Second, as many people pointed out OLD isn't the best way to meet really great guys without playing the numbers game. While people certainly met someone who turned into a long term boyfriend or even a husband, the most popular sites/app such as match and Tinder attract everyone - guys who are full of themselves (tools, d-bags, man-childs, etc.), guys who have little to no social skills, serial daters, guys on a rebound, etc. So you have to learn to build a little bit of a thick skin to be able to brush off all of the rubbish. (Same goes for guys too - not every woman is a "catch".)

 

Third - as one or two people mentioned, mix things up in "real life". Do you have any hobbies or interests? If you live in a decently sized metro area you can certainly find groups through meetup or other sites that cater to almost any interest you can think of - outdoor activities, cooking classes, tours, singles groups, to very specific hobbies like quilting, book clubs, skydiver groups, high seas fishing groups, etc. Just go out and do what you love (that mixes you with other people lol...) while still doing the OLD. Take some pics from what you do irl to post online - I know as a guy I find a woman's pictures on OLD sites more appealing if there's a balance showing you in different settings - so it doesn't seem like you're either high maintenance (too many pics from "fancy" locations), you can't dress up for a special occasion (too many pics from the outdoors or lounging around the house), etc.

 

Fourth - what sort of rules do you follow in dating? Is your profile clear, funny, and honest? Not saying it isn't btw . Additionally, I think it's important to relax and trust the process. I AM NOT saying that makes the OLD game or dating in general easy. I am going through a heart wrenching breakup myself right now. But you don't always catch the big tuna every time you cast a line. Very often, and I heard this when I was more anxious and dismissed it or couldn't accept it, you get what you've been looking for when you stop worrying about it. And perhaps it's worth considering analyzing the type of guys you initiate (or allow to initiate) the early stages with. Not trying to make any assumptions about you or your dating history here. Just know that very often people subconsciously get stuck in patterns they don't recognize that lead to the same outcomes.

 

Keep on talking to us!

[smackie9]

Suck it up and go forward. The majority of guys that use OLD are only looking for one thing. So instead of accepting dates, take your time assessing. Carefully look over their profile, and make better use of messaging before you say yes to a date. If they don't have much to say or ask in those first few texts, then you are probably gonna get the same when you see them in person.

 

Secondly, you need to reciprocate, and initiate as much as they do....to the ones you feel comfortable with of course.

[PRW]

- they don't ask questions about me or only ask 'how are u' and then talk about themselves only

- they do not put effort in planning dates (going for a walks all the time or asking me out and asking me where we should go and I need to plan it) or asking me out last minute

- taking many hours to reply the message

- not putting effort to remember facts about me or even confusing facts about other girls they are seeing (initial stages of dating)

- not walking me to the bus stop or asking if I got home if I go back home late at night

- being focued on sex only

- breadcrumbing

- dating me for e.g. 2 months and still using dating sites

 

Is it because I am ugly, stupid and totally not desirable or it's just how online dating is/men nowadays are?

 

It is the way Online Dating is. Online Dating is a societal cancer. Get away from it. It is somewhat a characteristic of men in their 20's as well,...of course Online Dating is ALL they do anyway so it is back to the same point.

 

Build a social life and meet people through that. This way you can gauge what people are like before it ever gets around to the subject of dating. A stupid profile on a hookup App is never going to compete with seeing someone face-to-face,...seeing the "life" in their eyes, or the "hollowness" in their eyes, or seeing their body language, the way they carry themselves, their ability to hold a meaningful conversation that isn't just about video games. The list goes on.

 

Meetup.com can be a good option for building a social life if there are Meetup Groups in your area that you find interesting.

[SumGuy]

Hello All,

 

I am dating guys I am meeting online and I started to think I must be really not worth dating because only one guy I was dating was really putting the effort and it felt amazing! I am not a 'princess' and I put effort myself (not too much at the beginning to not scare them off) but it would be so nice to meet someone with whom I would feel he cares...

I am talking about guys who text me first, ask me out and seem kind of interested but just not putting effort

What age range are you in and are dating?

 

- they don't ask questions about me or only ask 'how are u' and then talk about themselves only

This one is a pet peeve of mine as was once asked to "tell her something" about me was the implication (and yes that general) and after proceeding to do so with a few questions peppered in about her view (which she just was blank on or at most a 3 word answer) and pauses with no response...after all that (maybe 2-5 minutes) she was upset because I didn't ask any questions "about her." WTF. So when I hear this I think of that woman and others like her, who seem to want you to ask the "right questions" so they can brag about themselves.

 

 

Don't get me wrong there are plenty of guys who are all wrapped up in themselves and don't have conversations so much as monologs and mansplaining.

 

 

A person that is adept at conversation will be finding out about you and "asking you questions" from the very nature of the conversation, the topics, how you respond and engage and contribute to same. Pure question asking is more an interrogation than conversation, and it's essay for people to fake answers / their world view to such explicit questions.

 

 

I focus more on conversational flow and participation as that is a better sign of someone getting to know you than asking about where you are from, your major, your job, etc.

 

- they do not put effort in planning dates (going for a walks all the time or asking me out and asking me where we should go and I need to plan it) or asking me out last minute

That's sad because what you are asking for is a low bar. I'm not sure if it is part of a culture of not controlling the date or just laziness. You shouldn't discount walks if you are looking to get to know someone especially if you are all young and money is not unlimited.

 

 

 

- taking many hours to reply the message

Seriously? I'm thinking you are in your 20s and live by your phone. Anyone with a life going on is not going to necessarily be by their phone, or be free to answer messages in hours. For me, even if I see someone's message during the work day, I do not necessarily want to take time and focus away from work to answer it when it can easily wait.

Society and social life went on just fine (I'd say even better than today because you had to get out to interact) when none of us had a phone on us or even near by.

Unless there is a coordination reason they should be watching for your message getting back within 12 hours is fine, and within even 24 hours is fine.

 

- not putting effort to remember facts about me or even confusing facts about other girls they are seeing (initial stages of dating)

Believe it or not this can have more to do with how a persons brain works than anything else. Narcissists and some of the most manipulative and sleazy people I have met in my life excel and remembering personal facts and use that to make you think they are your friend or care...just not so.

 

- not walking me to the bus stop or asking if I got home if I go back home late at night

For me that is just courtesy, but can see that some may think it's stalky if they followed you to the bus or may insult you if ask if you got home safe (implying that you are not together enough to do so).

 

- being focued on sex only

Although you certainly want more, and should, this is a sign of interest and bet they put effort into it.

 

- breadcrumbing

Not sure what you mean by that.

 

- dating me for e.g. 2 months and still using dating sites

Yes this means they are not decide on you alone but if you are just dating and not sleeping together then isn't this just the finding someone stage? Also does using a dating site mean dating others? Or are you just seeing that they logged on? The latter doesn't mean much of anything.

 

Is it becasue I am ugly, stupid and totally not desirable or it's just how online dating is/men nowadays are? I ask a lot of questions, I take care of my looks, have a lot of passions, I can plan interesting dates because I have many interests and live in big city and there's a lot going on.

It could be those things, or you may come off as entitled and asking men to "dance monkey dance." Your lots of questions could be seen as interviews and interrogations. It could also just be your age demographic where most of the men are just looking for easy hook ups; especially in a big city.

On interesting dates, one persons interest is another's boredom.

[kendahke]

Stop expecting devotion from the first communique.

 

Your post brings to mind an IG account I follow called 'awardsforgoodboys'.

 

What are the ages of these guys you keep attracting?

 

You have to understand that within the first 3 months of meeting and getting to know someone, they're figuring out if it's worth it to fit you into their lives/routines; some of them may still be looking for someone else when they stumble across your profile--which is their right--they don't owe devotion to anyone they're just chatting with online. Your task is to recognize the minute they demote you into someone to mark time with--and that happens when they're back on the dating app. When they do that, that is your cue to set them adrift and stop squandering your youth behind them.

 

If they can't see what an amazing person you are, it's their loss--it doesn't mean you turn yourself inside out trying to find a way to hold onto someone who doesn't want to be held onto.

[QueenMay]

If you are not meeting men in real life you have to shake up what you are doing. How often do you put yourself in new situations designed to enable you to meet men? If the answers isn't weekly, change what you are doing.

 

The effort on both sides should last a lifetime. I lived with a guy for 10 years. He still put in effort. My husband I have been together for 13 years. He still puts in effort.

 

One month? Oh honey, you need to raise the bar.

I am volunteering (in our group there are mostly girls), I attend language course (only 2 guys, one is coming with gf another also is taken), U go for concerts, to the cinema, exhibitions, museums, going for trips, going to the gym. I am am introvert so I also need time on my own.. and then I am reading, playing piano ans watching movies.

 

I meant if after one month of dating I could expect guy will start to put more effort.

[d0nnivain]

I am volunteering (in our group there are mostly girls), I attend language course (only 2 guys, one is coming with gf another also is taken), U go for concerts, to the cinema, exhibitions, museums, going for trips, going to the gym. I am am introvert so I also need time on my own.. and then I am reading, playing piano ans watching movies.

 

I meant if after one month of dating I could expect guy will start to put more effort.

 

OK you have a lot of choices. Lets turn some of those into opportunities to meet people.

 

Befriend the women in your volunteer group & your language course. See if they have brothers or cousins you could date.

 

Do you smile & talk to the other patrons at the concerns or cinema? You need to smile & talk to the cute guys at the gym.

 

Perhaps join a book club since you like to read.

 

Consider attending some kind of MeetUp group that goes to the museums or cinema.

 

Other then the volunteering you don't mention a lot of activities where it's easy or expected to talk to others. Add something like that in the mix.

 

Do keep some time for yourself to recharge your introverted batteries.

[QueenMay]

Stop expecting devotion from the first communique.

 

Your post brings to mind an IG account I follow called 'awardsforgoodboys'.

 

What are the ages of these guys you keep attracting?

 

You have to understand that within the first 3 months of meeting and getting to know someone, they're figuring out if it's worth it to fit you into their lives/routines; some of them may still be looking for someone else when they stumble across your profile--which is their right--they don't owe devotion to anyone they're just chatting with online. Your task is to recognize the minute they demote you into someone to mark time with--and that happens when they're back on the dating app. When they do that, that is your cue to set them adrift and stop squandering your youth behind them.

 

If they can't see what an amazing person you are, it's their loss--it doesn't mean you turn yourself inside out trying to find a way to hold onto someone who doesn't want to be held onto.

Maybe I am old fashioned, 3 months for me is way too long for multidating. My limit is one month and then I would expect to stop using the app for a while to try to build deeper connection. If it won't work, we can always come back to swiping/dating etc. Also if a guy is making plans for the future and we do stuff which couples do I feel upset if he's using the app even if only for swiping. I believe you cannot build anything meaningful while still keeping your options open.

 

I am 27 years old.

[kendahke]

Maybe I am old fashioned, 3 months for me is way too long for multidating. My limit is one month and then I would expect to stop using the app for a while to try to build deeper connection.

 

Expectations are future resentments under construction.

 

There is nothing wrong with being old fashioned, etc. What is wrong is placing expectations on basic strangers whose interest is lukewarm and have been showing you that they really aren't feeling it with you---and that's when the texts become farther apart, you see they're active on the dating app or they let you drift a few days then catch up with you, etc. All of those things are clear signs that their interest level isn't what yours is and they don't want a deeper connection with you.

 

There are men out there who are on the path you're on---you're just either not recognizing them or you're more drawn to pulling this out of unwilling men for whatever reason. That is something you need to examine.

 

If it won't work, we can always come back to swiping/dating etc. Also if a guy is making plans for the future and we do stuff which couples do I feel upset if he's using the app even if only for swiping. I believe you cannot build anything meaningful while still keeping your options open.

 

You assume they want to build something meaningful with you when it's clear they're on some other mess. Even if they do a few couply things with you in the beginning, until they declare that they want a relationship with you, don't assume or invest in him thinking that you and he are actually a couple. Guys who are interested don't mince words or leave you guessing. Their behavior is clear and unmistakable.

 

Still, at the end of the day, if he's on the app swiping right, then that is his right to do that. That's just a cold, hard truth. It's up to him to decide he's over that. You can't control anyone but yourself--and they already have a mom and don't need another one. What you do have control over is not putting yourself in the path of such men or remaining in their path after they've shown you their disinterest.

 

Go on youtube, look up and binge on Terri Cole videos.

[basil67]

To be honest, you're coming across as having expectations which are a bit high. That said, I'm really low maintenance, so perhaps it's just me.

 

When dating my husband (who I met in real life), we'd find nice restaurants while we got to know each other. As the bond grew, the question of "where to go?" became a team effort. One or the other of us would simply think of something interesting and suggest it. Thing is, it sounds more like you want to be wooed rather than being part of a team.

 

With regards to meeting men in real life, what about when you're out with friends at events and parties? You're only 27, so I would expect you'd have a good social life.

[QueenMay]

To be honest, you're coming across as having expectations which are a bit high. That said, I'm really low maintenance, so perhaps it's just me.

 

When dating my husband (who I met in real life), we'd find nice restaurants while we got to know each other. As the bond grew, the question of "where to go?" became a team effort. One or the other of us would simply think of something interesting and suggest it. Thing is, it sounds more like you want to be wooed rather than being part of a team.

 

With regards to meeting men in real life, what about when you're out with friends at events and parties? You're only 27, so I would expect you'd have a good social life.

 

I am not a party type of person, most of my friends and married or engaged.

I don't have high expectations, perhaps that's why I was dating cheap guy for 7 months (very bad experience...) However, two times I was dating guys who were planning fun dates and we were simply exchanging ideas. If a guy acts interested but offers a walk twice in a row it's a bit too little effort for me.

[Maddie82]

Maybe I am old fashioned, 3 months for me is way too long for multidating. My limit is one month and then I would expect to stop using the app for a while to try to build deeper connection. If it won't work, we can always come back to swiping/dating etc. Also if a guy is making plans for the future and we do stuff which couples do I feel upset if he's using the app even if only for swiping. I believe you cannot build anything meaningful while still keeping your options open.

 

I am 27 years old.

 

You need to relax a bit and stop putting timelines on everything. You are very particular and not everyone is like that. Most just go with the flow see what happens. There is nothing wrong with keeping your options open. This is why men are backing off from you so quickly.

[Maddie82]

I don't have high expectations. If a guy acts interested but offers a walk twice in a row it's a bit too little effort for me.

 

Sorry but this screams 'entitled'. So a guy showing interest and offering romantic walks is not enough effort for you? Yes, you have high expectations.

[QueenMay]

You need to relax a bit and stop putting timelines on everything. You are very particular and not everyone is like that. Most just go with the flow see what happens. There is nothing wrong with keeping your options open. This is why men are backing off from you so quickly.

I am far from being pushy. I am saying what I think but in fact I never even tried to force someone to be commited to me... only lately I broke up with a guy because he was on the app every day after I told him I want our 'relationship' to be deeper and he said he really wants it to work, and making plans with me for the future. I had guys stringing me along for months and I didn't say a word - and actually I regret I didn't end it sooner.

[QueenMay]

Sorry but this screams 'entitled'. So a guy showing interest and offering romantic walks is not enough effort for you? Yes, you have high expectations.

I don't expect dinner date, just something a little bit more creative..