Men do not put effort with me..

[Maddie82]

I don't expect dinner date, just something a little bit more creative..

 

Not everyone is like that though, especially with OLD. They just meet and go with the flow. If they click they click. This is online dating where most people have a few dates lined up at once. Try lowering your expectations because it sounds to me like they are backing off because you want too much.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

If a man likes you, he will put in effort. It's hard to get that after one or two dates especially online.

 

I'm not sure if this is something you're doing, but I would definitely say for OLD, you shouldn't message men first. Let them come to you. Let them show initiative in getting the first date rolling and only mirror them in their interest level. And do that for the first few months. Of course be gracious and engaging, but let them chase you...I think that's even more important when you meet someone online. On the web you'll find a lot of guys who have barely any ambition themselves, are going to take no initiative, will just 'go with the flow' or just want FWB. If you plan the first date, expect for things to end there.

 

I also wouldn't put too much emphasis on what you write on your profile, especially if it's swiping like Tinder. As long as you aren't writing anything that comes off as 'easy' or even overly conventional, a guy will message you based on looks and pretty much details last. I hate it but it's true. So focus more on the conversations you have themselves after they message you. Be thoughtful and engaging and be ready to unmatch with men quickly by sensing their intentions. This becomes incredibly easy after time.

 

In the same vein though, you don't want to raise your expectations too high. It really is a numbers game. It's quantity, not quality, so the bottom line is a lot of the guys you are meeting probably just aren't the right ones anyway. It takes a long time with OLD to find a match.

 

I don't consider online dating to be a 'cancer', but I will admit I'm biased because I met my boyfriend of 18 months on Tinder. It's the most serious relationship I've been in. But I also experienced horrible experiences on that app. Believe it or not there are good guys on there, it just isn't as easy to come by.

 

And know that whether it's online or in-person, love really does come when you least expect it. Take expectations off and see it as building experience regardless.

[mortensorchid]

I have encountered a lot of that in recent years. It's disheartening to find that these guys you meet are lazy or just don't put forth efforts. I don't know what to say about it except that they must have this attitude all the time and they must put forth this same laissez faire effort with everyone and everything in life. Why don't they go after something they want? Do they just expect others to fall down before them because they are so desirable? I suppose. I mean, if they are interested in a relationship with you or someone else wouldn't they just be excited enough to call the woman? It's ridiculous.

[Big Aus]

I am dating guys I am meeting online and I started to think I must be really not worth dating because only one guy I was dating was really putting the effort and it felt amazing! I am not a 'princess' and I put effort myself (not too much at the beginning to not scare them off) but it would be so nice to meet someone with whom I would feel he cares...

I can only share with you my experience from the other side...

 

1. Guys don't put in much effort early, because the majority of women never reply or even acknowledge the contact. And of those that do, most are only being polite and will blow us off.
   
2. Most women seem to think that asking questions makes the man a stalker, so we figure she will tell us stuff when she is good and ready. We tell you about ourselves because we want to appear open and honest.
   
3. Men don't care about the date destination, and we want to appear considerate, so we ask you what you would like to do.
   
4. Guys like me don't live on our phones. If you are sending texts at random times, demanding immediate answers, then unless its an actual emergency we are more likely to view it as an irritation.
   
5. It happens. Get over it. It would be nice if online dating delivered us only our "perfect match"/ "soulmate", but it doesn't work that way. I couldn't even begin to guess how many profiles I have read, most from women who never even replied, so yeah, sometimes the fact may get a little garbled.
   if he's still doing that after 6 months, then maybe start to worry.
   
6. Men have been beaten over the head with "feminism" their entire lives. They assume any display of chivalry will be met with derision or worse.
   
7. Yes, sadly this is a reflection on our society, and the prevailing promiscuous attitude to sex. All I can say is keep looking, there are good guys out there.
   
8. Are they actively breadcrumbing, or does it just seem that way? Unfortunately online dating and texting relationships don't create strong commitment.
   
9. And? Have YOU made an exclusive life-long commitment to these men? It can be difficult to juggle, but the sad reality is that most such relationships go nowhere. So he's not going to take himself completely out of circulation until he's sure.
   

Edited September 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[QueenMay]

I don't text first and I don't start concersations, I don't ask them out (but if they are like, I want to see you but I don't know where to go I might say - there is a nice jazz concert as I know we both like jazz, maybe we'll go?)

 

[/b]QUOTE=Big Aus;7861399]I can only share with you my experience from the other side...

 

1. Guys don't put in much effort early, because the majority of women never reply or even acknowledge the contact. And of those that do, most are only being polite and will blow us off.
   
2. Most women seem to think that asking questions makes the man a stalker, so we figure she will tell us stuff when she is good and ready. We tell you about ourselves because we want to appear open and honest.
   
3. Men don't care about the date destination, and we want to appear considerate, so we ask you what you would like to do.
   
4. Guys like me don't live on our phones. If you are sending texts at random times, demanding immediate answers, then unless its an actual emergency we are more likely to view it as an irritation.
   
5. It happens. Get over it. It would be nice if online dating delivered us only our "perfect match"/ "soulmate", but it doesn't work that way. I couldn't even begin to guess how many profiles I have read, most from women who never even replied, so yeah, sometimes the fact may get a little garbled.
   if he's still doing that after 6 months, then maybe start to worry.
   
6. Men have been beaten over the head with "feminism" their entire lives. They assume any display of chivalry will be met with derision or worse.
   
7. Yes, sadly this is a reflection on our society, and the prevailing promiscuous attitude to sex. All I can say is keep looking, there are good guys out there.
   
8. Are they actively breadcrumbing, or does it just seem that way? Unfortunately online dating and texting relationships don't create strong commitment.
   
9. And? Have YOU made an exclusive life-long commitment to these men? It can be difficult to juggle, but the sad reality is that most such relationships go nowhere. So he's not going to take himself completely out of circulation until he's sure.
   

To be more specific, I am talking about situations when:

-guy is texting me, e.g. asking me a question, I answer (not immidately, .e.g after one hour) and it takes him 15h to text me back

-breadcrumbing - sending me some messages here and there, relatiinship is not progressing, we may not even meet

- I am dating a guy who tells me stuff like, "oh I send you this video, you remember?' or 'when we were in the city centre..' and in both cases it was not me.. it feels awful as if he didn't care who he's dating, I can be Jane or Kate, who cares..

-not serious commitment but after one month, especially if we hold hands, kiss, talk every day, I feel bad still swiping, talking to other people.. and deep connection is very important for me so I want to focus on one person after a while.

[smackie9]

OLD? You will not find your "class" of guy on there. Try other things that requires men to attend like taking ballroom dance lessons.

[SumGuy]

Sorry but this screams 'entitled'. So a guy showing interest and offering romantic walks is not enough effort for you? Yes, you have high expectations.

 

 

I'd have to agree. It's not so much the expectations are high (they seem pretty reasonable to me), but the idea the OP is offended they are not being met and judging based on it (even if what is offered to someone else would be romantic).

[SumGuy]

Maybe I am old fashioned, 3 months for me is way too long for multidating. My limit is one month and then I would expect to stop using the app for a while to try to build deeper connection. If it won't work, we can always come back to swiping/dating etc. Also if a guy is making plans for the future and we do stuff which couples do I feel upset if he's using the app even if only for swiping. I believe you cannot build anything meaningful while still keeping your options open.

....

 

Very much agree. For me it is after 3 or 4 dates max. (which with life could be 2 months) and then I will deactivate my profile if going on date 5.

 

Do be careful on your facts though with "activity." I swear my app says I am on and active when I am not. I certainly get push e-mails all the time. So I may appear "active" from the apps point of view but I'm not messaging, swiping, searching for anyone.

[kendahke]

I don't expect dinner date, just something a little bit more creative..

 

What is "a bit more creative" to you?

[QueenMay]

Very much agree. For me it is after 3 or 4 dates max. (which with life could be 2 months) and then I will deactivate my profile if going on date 5.

 

Do be careful on your facts though with "activity." I swear my app says I am on and active when I am not. I certainly get push e-mails all the time. So I may appear "active" from the apps point of view but I'm not messaging, swiping, searching for anyone.

Good to hear I am not alone I started to think I am weird.

Unfortunately in my case it was accurate.. guy confessed he was still using the app but "he was sure about me and cared about me"...

[QueenMay]

What is "a bit more creative" to you?

I have many interests and most of the time I share many interests with my date so it would be very nice if he would find some events related to it, e.g. we both like science and could attend event related to it, free concert, if we both like art we can go for an exhibition, play board games, go cycling, have a picnic, open air cinema, open air theatre, everything for free in my city! Just requires 10 mins search and a little bit of effort...

Edited September 12, 2019 by QueenMay

[SumGuy]

Good to hear I am not alone I started to think I am weird.

Unfortunately in my case it was accurate.. guy confessed he was still using the app but "he was sure about me and cared about me"...

 

 

Yah once it is accurate he is leading you on or he has such a very different idea of what it means to date and be a couple that you are incompatible.

The more I read of your posts, it seems pretty reasonable what you are looking for, and don't want to take your venting here as an indication of unreasonableness.

In short, if I was into you I'd certainly be taking you out to one of those many interest you mention. Why? A couple of reasons, one it is fun to have someone to do something with who also enjoys it. Two, I enjoy it too so even if the date is a bust I'd have fun. Last but not least, this is a real way to build connection (for me) and is romantic (for me) and almost always leads to something.

 

 

I guess the question is how can you find the guys that will put the effort in. My view is that these guys are very much out there in OLD so wondering if they are passing on your profile for some reason.

 

 

The more I hear on-line and in the real world, it also seems these guys are hard to find; so they are in demand. You may want to reconsider reaching out as these guys because they may not have to reach out themselves or have the bandwidth to do so.

[Gaeta]

Hello All,

- they don't ask questions about me or only ask 'how are u' and then talk about themselves only.

When they ask 'how are you' then answer and talk about yourself. You're expecting a male to have a female behavior. We women like to talk and ask questions, it comes naturally to us, men aren't that much into asking 1000 questions, I'd say they're more about getting to know you while spending time with you and not about asking 1000 questions.

 

- they do not put effort in planning dates (going for a walks all the time or asking me out and asking me where we should go and I need to plan it) or asking me out last minute

Many men, many many men are afraid of coming up with a stupid ideas for dates, or coming up with a dates you won't like so they prefer to ask. If a man tells me he'd like to take me on a date and wants to know if I prefer a restaurant or I prefer an activity I WILL TELL HIM exactly what I like. I will not feel offended that he couldn't read my mind! Men aren't mind readers and you need to be a full participant in this, don't be the princess that sits by and expect some prince charming to fly her to Paris for dinner. That's movie romance. Not reality.

 

Same if a man offers dates you don't like then YOU offer a type of activity you like. You're not into walks and parks so offer to go play bowling.

 

- taking many hours to reply the message

Keep texting to send a courtesy hello between dates that's all. The best way to jade a man is to text him for chitchat too often, keep that for your girlfriends. Let the man wonder about you.

 

- not putting effort to remember facts about me or even confusing facts about other girls they are seeing (initial stages of dating)

Normal in the initial dating. I had to ask my boyfriend like 3 times what were his kids name. You are expecting too much from a man you've seen 1-2 times.

 

- not walking me to the bus stop or asking if I got home if I go back home late at night

Unacceptable if it's at night. You're allowed to drop this guy asap when you realize he's not protective.

 

- being focued on sex only

- breadcrumbing.

You can see those pretty fast, drop them at the moment you realize sex is the only thing on their mind.

 

- dating me for e.g. 2 months and still using dating sites

Why are you dating them 2 months then? I'd drop any man not wanting to address exclusivity after 5 dates and exclusivity means off the dating market.

 

 

 

 

.

[kendahke]

I have many interests and most of the time I share many interests with my date so it would be very nice if he would find some events related to it, e.g. we both like science and could attend event related to it, free concert, if we both like art we can go for an exhibition, play board games, go cycling, have a picnic, open air cinema, open air theatre, everything for free in my city! Just requires 10 mins search and a little bit of effort...

 

Has it occurred to you that the men you choose either really aren't into what you're into or they're not interested in doing it with you and that's why they don't suggest it?

 

There's a saying: light a candle instead of cursing the darkness.

 

Stop investing in men who don't listen to what you say and act on what you say. That's the easiest thing to do.

 

Since you have all these interests, volunteer your time at these events in order to meet people. Dating apps are for the lazy, unmotivated sorts who know they can vaporize at a moment's notice if they don't want to deal with anyone.

[scooby-philly]

I have many interests and most of the time I share many interests with my date so it would be very nice if he would find some events related to it, e.g. we both like science and could attend event related to it, free concert, if we both like art we can go for an exhibition, play board games, go cycling, have a picnic, open air cinema, open air theatre, everything for free in my city! Just requires 10 mins search and a little bit of effort...

 

OP,

 

From a man's perspective - your post and your responses make it apear that you have a "aura" of high maintenance. That doesn't mean it's true, I don't know you. But the reality is guys still primarily have to do the work layout the money early on. And OLD, good or bad, has made it possible to see multiple people while still in the early stages. Especially for younger people (below 30) or folks in the late 30's on getting back in the dating scene after more than 10 or more years off of it - multi dating is a way to help establish what you like, what you need, what you don't like, etc. Though of course, a lot of men never mature into committing into one. (Discussion for another day). Some of those items - a movie (even if free) or theater - do not allow you to spend time in conversation with someone. I would not schedule something like that until at least the 5th date. First date - drinks/coffee/dinner/lunch - second date - dinner/lunch - option to go on a walk at the end if it's good. third date - repeat date two, agree to a walk or something else before/after. Date four - something different, but something where we can chat. Okay maybe I'd do theater or movie - with something before/after so we can chat. But I'd also be weary of paying for something expensive.

 

Now, you can modify your profile a bit to attract different types of guys. I know when I see a profile I want 5-7 photos from different settings. Make sure they're not all from a gala or not all of you in sweats or not all of you in nature - a blend - showing you're comfortable and enjoy a variety of settings. And I personal go right past any profile that says "don't contact me if" or anything that makes it seem like you need to verbalize your frustrations on a platform. We get it, but it's not attractive. And early on in the convo there's nothing wrong with saying - or at the first or second date when you're agreeing to the next one..."oh - i'd love to do x,y,z with you at some point" - giving guys, if they're interested in seeing you - permission and something to react to - a lot of women aren't like you and they don't want to have a "date" in a less traditional format early on - so giving them permission helps and stating your intentions up front helps too. So in the end, if you lower your expectations a bit, think about what your profile may be attracting, and then

[kendahke]

And I personal go right past any profile that says "don't contact me if"

 

I'm not down for married men and idiots looking for threesomes and don't want to get inundated with messages from said married men and idiots looking for threesomes; therefore, I plainly put in my profile such language. If that turns someone off, then so be it. No skin off my nose.

[Sunlight72]

Since you have all these interests, volunteer your time at these events in order to meet people.

Hear, hear! I volunteered at a yoga festival a couple months ago, because I like yoga, and it seemed a good place to maybe meet a woman. Boy, was I wrong. I didn't meet a woman, I met 4 who were interested and flirty.

 

Volunteering somewhere like a music festival, firefighter's fundraiser, business networking meetup, etc. seems like a goldmine of dudes to meet.

 

 

Good on you for all those activities - are any people chatty? I like someone else's idea of befriending both men and women, as over time some of them will have single guy friends/neighbors/relatives to send your way.

 

 

Good luck, have fun!

[MsJayne]

Maybe I am old fashioned, 3 months for me is way too long for multidating. My limit is one month and then I would expect to stop using the app for a while to try to build deeper connection. If it won't work, we can always come back to swiping/dating etc. Also if a guy is making plans for the future and we do stuff which couples do I feel upset if he's using the app even if only for swiping. I believe you cannot build anything meaningful while still keeping your options open.

 

I am 27 years old.

 

You're absolutely right. You know very well within a couple of dates whether there's potential or not, and to still be active on the date site diminishes anything that's developing between you. The problem with OLD is that it's a smorgasbord of available people and that's too much info for most, they like the look of this one, but they also like the look of that one. It reduces you to nothing more than an advertisement inviting people to test the product. Your scenario could be echoed by millions of OLD members around the world, and it's simply because when you meet someone in those circumstances they're free to behave badly because there's no social backlash being as you're not part of their regular social circle.

I say if someone's still perusing date sites after three dates don't give them any more of your time. They're either using you, or they're just too stupid to understand how rude they are. Either way, you're better off with out them. I find a great way to discourage those just looking to fill a social void is to actually bring up the exclusivity conversation quite early. Not in an "I want commitment now!" kinda way, just in a "So, how do you feel about this? Do you think there might be potential?" because you will get your answer right there and then. If they say 'Yes', they're agreeing to a very low level of commitment, (and you then have a right to ask if they're going to keep their dating profile active or hide it while you explore your relationship), and if they say 'No' you know where you stand with them and then you get to choose whether you want hang around, rather than ending up feeling manipulated and used. I also strongly recommend that you never invite them to your place, or go to theirs, until you've met up with them at least three times. Most men, if they're just hoping for sex, will drop off after the second meet up if that's all they're after and they're not getting it. Lastly, as another commenter said, watch out for the charming, good-looking ones. A lot of them just use dates sites like a hunting ground, preying on vulnerable women - date sites are a playground for narcissistic men of all ages. First warning sign of one of these is that they will ply you with alcohol while they sit there talking about themselves. Best of luck.

[CollinW]

Do you put effort into them?

[basil67]

The guy who organises creative dates? I think you're looking for a unicorn. Now, to be clear, I'm not being down on men - I'm being realistic and speaking from experience. If you find something you want to do, then suggest it. But all this Googling for interesting dates....I really can't imagine it.

 

Sometimes we get caught looking for a fantasy which doesn't exist. I'm tall and I used to wish I was smaller so that a guy could literally sweep me off my feet and carry me to the bedroom. Guess what? My small friends tell me that it's not a thing.

 

Relationships aren't romance novels. Don't spend all your time searching for something which isn't out there to any significant degree.

[Fair]

This is online dating for all of us. I experienced all that too when I was doing it...

 

My advice is.... get the h offline. It will only do a number on your self esteem because you're literally trying to compete against thousands of people. You and I and none of us will win that competition.

 

You'll always get someone saying they met someone on there, but the truth is, most of us don't.

[Maddie82]

I don't text first and I don't start concersations, I don't ask them out (but if they are like, I want to see you but I don't know where to go I might say - there is a nice jazz concert as I know we both like jazz, maybe we'll go?).

 

So you don't make any effort to engage with anyone in the beginning and you want THEM to do all the work and all the initiating? Yet even when they do you still complain they don't make any effort and get upset that they haven't deleted the app? Take a minute and read everything you have said in comments and you will see how high maintenance you actually are. This is why your 'dates' never stick around for long.

[Big Aus]

On the subject of "multi-dating"

That is an unfortunate by-product of online dating.

 

And, dare I say it, its different for attractive young women. You could delete your profile entirely, come back in a month and instantly find 100 guys wanting to date you. It's taken me several months to find two women slightly interested in me.

 

It would be different if a "match" led to an instant exclusive relationship, but it doesn't.

What am I supposed to do? Should I send out only one wink/swipe at a time? And wait how long for a reply? Given that most women don't even bother replying, and some can take weeks , if I took that approach I would be dead before getting the 1st date.

 

And would you like it, if you'd been on a couple of dates with a guy you liked, and he says "I really like you, but I want to put you on hold whilst I date another woman I like just a little more. I'll be back if it doesn't work out"??

 

I'm not defending guys who actively seek to date multiple women. and clearly have no intention of making a commitment.

Just saying that online dating makes it difficult to judge and difficult to juggle.

[Maddie82]

Do you put effort into them?

 

Doesn't look like it. She doesn't initiate any conversations. She wants them to do all the leg work.

[salparadise]

Stop expecting devotion from the first communique.

 

 

Exactly. Do you really think a guy is supposed to take one look at your photo and a long list of expectations and say to himself, "this is the one I've been dreaming of?" It doesn't work that way. Just as you're referring to them as "these guys" who don't do this or that... until you differentiate yourself in some meaningful way, you are also one of those numerous women with a profile. Yet you actually have the expectation that guys are supposed to latch onto you and woo and pursue only you, and with a kind of diligence as if seeing a photo had locked them into you like they're under a magic spell... and they they're supposed to behave in very specific ways, exactly as you expect.

 

Think about this rationally... people with a lot of expectations are bound to spend a lot of their time being disappointed. One is a direct consequence of the other, not the fault of third parties who refuse to conform.

 

I chatted with a woman online this week. After several messages back and forth she said, "it seems like after the other two (previous relationships) didn't work out you aren't willing to put in much effort. I'm looking for someone who is all-in, not just with one foot." But then i go back and look at the messages and there is absolutely nothing to justify that comment. In fact, I asked questions and got relatively short answers. I reread her profile... yup, sure enough. She had written that she wanted to be "swept off her feet."

 

Too many Disney movies.