Men do not put effort with me..

[kendahke]

RomCom movies are lies that insecure girls, especially, invest in and think is reality when in fact, it's a freakin' movie script not based on anything in the universe of reality.

[SumGuy]

....

 

I chatted with a woman online this week. After several messages back and forth she said, "it seems like after the other two (previous relationships) didn't work out you aren't willing to put in much effort. I'm looking for someone who is all-in, not just with one foot." But then i go back and look at the messages and there is absolutely nothing to justify that comment. In fact, I asked questions and got relatively short answers. I reread her profile... yup, sure enough. She had written that she wanted to be "swept off her feet." ...

.

 

 

Love it. Yah I've gotten that to a few times. These incredible conclusions (and always highly judgmental) based on literally nothing, or at best next to nothing. It's weird stuff, but mostly projection or they met someone else and can't be honest. Good to hear that soon though, these are people you really want to avoid in life.

[Fair]

 

I chatted with a woman online this week. After several messages back and forth she said, "it seems like after the other two (previous relationships) didn't work out you aren't willing to put in much effort. I'm looking for someone who is all-in, not just with one foot." But then i go back and look at the messages and there is absolutely nothing to justify that comment. In fact, I asked questions and got relatively short answers. I reread her profile... yup, sure enough. She had written that she wanted to be "swept off her feet."

 

Too many Disney movies.

 

This isn't something to smirk at. This is human nature. All people secretly want someone to 'sweep them off their feet', bring beauty and romance to their lives and to fulfill their secret, innermost fantasies. We don't all write it down on OLD profiles, but some of us do. It's not to be laughed at.... examine your own inner world and see if it's true.

 

If you still don't believe me, read Robert Greene's "Art of Seduction'. There are free audiobooks of it on youtube. People act in accordance to nature, not because they watched too many Disney movies.

 

The more you diss people the less likely it is you'll ever find someone.

[GorillaTheater]

I've swept a woman off her feet before, and have a number of kids to prove it. But I did that in person, not via text. I'm not even sure how in the hell you're supposed to sweep anyone off their feet electronically.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

The title of your thread is "Men do not put effort with me"

 

This is a statement of comparison, so if you don't mind, what are you comparing your experiences against? A previous lover? A friend? Like, where is this comparison coming from?

Edited September 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[salparadise]

This isn't something to smirk at. This is human nature. All people secretly want someone to 'sweep them off their feet', bring beauty and romance to their lives and to fulfill their secret, innermost fantasies.

 

Yea, well I guess I'm smirking. As I've posted many times, I'm looking for an equal partner who views relationships as reciprocal and balanced. I don't think I could keep a straight face while doing the love bombing routine, which I'm sure is what she expected. And yea, we hadn't even met and she's wanting me to be "all-in" based on her profile pics (which I'm betting were from 10-20 years ago) and a half dozen messages.

 

This woman is operating in the fantasy realm. She just got the wrong guy if she wants someone to ride in on a white horse with the shining armor and all of that. Poor thing, I feel kinda sorry for her.

[basil67]

All people secretly want someone to 'sweep them off their feet', bring beauty and romance to their lives and to fulfill their secret, innermost fantasies. We don't all write it down on OLD profiles, but some of us do. It's not to be laughed at.... examine your own inner world and see if it's true.

 

Actually, it's funny when it's a woman writing that it's what she wants but refuses to make an effort to the man in return. (general reference to posts here - not criticising the OP) These women won't even initiate a phone call early on. But then, I always smirk at double standards.

[CollinW]

 

I chatted with a woman online this week. After several messages back and forth she said, "it seems like after the other two (previous relationships) didn't work out you aren't willing to put in much effort. I'm looking for someone who is all-in, not just with one foot." But then i go back and look at the messages and there is absolutely nothing to justify that comment. In fact, I asked questions and got relatively short answers. I reread her profile... yup, sure enough. She had written that she wanted to be "swept off her feet."

 

Too many Disney movies.

My guy friend was showing me texts from a girl he talked to. He would be engaged but she would literally respond with short basic answers. Whenever he took her out she would also not be very engaged and would be in her phone. Didn't have many hobbies or much personality.

 

So obviously he told her it wouldn't work out and she went off on him saying how he presented himself as a nice guy but was in reality a ****boy and didn't deserve her. It was amazing considering how useless she presented herself.

 

Due to the way the media and people present discussions about male/female relationships, many women now think what defines good relationships is the man bending over backwards for women, accepting whatever abuse and half ass effort on their part. I've met very few women who didn't look at interpersonal relationships with men as unilateral transaction, even if they supposedly loved the man.

 

You see a lot of it on this forum, with the women referencing often what they like or want, as if a man they just met should give a crap.

Edited September 15, 2019 by CollinW

[salparadise]

I've met very few women who didn't look at interpersonal relationships with men as unilateral transaction, even if they supposedly loved the man.

 

You see a lot of it on this forum, with the women referencing often what they like or want, as if a man they just met should give a crap.

 

Haha, yup –– don't you just love the ones who say, "if he were really into you he would... " Followed by one of many beliefs about how men are supposed to break their necks to accommodate such fantasy stuff.

 

Even the first part is whacko –– "if he were really into you," as if it's requisite that men should be all-in from the get-go. Why do they think a man should be into them when there's nothing there but me-me-me? And I have no idea how so many of them end up on LS, and being so prolific.

Edited September 15, 2019 by salparadise
Trying to avoid offending anyone

[OatsAndHall]

As a male, I can say that I've experienced the same thing via OLD. My solution is simple; I just move on. I put effort into the first few dates; find out when they're available, open doors, try to show them a good time, etc..etc.. But, I just write them off if they're flaky about communication or setting up other dates. I went out with a woman a few weeks ago and we hit it off in a big way. We're both extremely busy at this point so nailing down time to see each other has been hard.

 

 

 

After that first date, we had a few "phone dates" and got to know one another better but her communication has dwindled considerably. I will hear from her here and there: "Hey sorry I didn't respond to your text from a few days ago, I've been wrapped up in blah..blah..blah...". I'll respond in a polite manner but I doubt I will go out on another date with her. I tried to set up another date with her for this weekend but she was flaky about it. I don't know if I've been Rolodexed or if she really is that busy but one thing is certainly true; she isn't putting forth any effort. It takes ten seconds to fire off a text or take fifteen minutes from her day to give me a call.

 

 

 

Kind of ironic.. I hadn't heard from her in five days until last night; she texted me while I was on a date with another woman. Again: "Sorry I've taken so long to respond, I've been doing blah..blah...blah... Just wanted to see how you're doing." Again, I was polite in my response but I'm done trying to schedule another date with her. I will probably end up telling her I'm not interested in a courteous manner.

 

 

 

Moral of the (long) story; don't put energy into people who don't put it into you.

[gaius]

I put in a lot of effort with my wife, but she's a very stimulating woman, not just physically but also mentally. It's a very sexy dynamic when we talk. And when I look at her. I don't know you Queen but just from your posts in this thread you seem very sweet, almost too sweet. You might not be creating that sexy, stimulating dynamic with men that makes them want to put in effort.

 

I would try just having conversations with men, trying different things and seeing what works. Observe how women who are successful with men talk to men. The more of your partner's buttons you can push the more they're going to want you and to push your buttons.

[mr_ybor]

OP: As man who's made a massive amount of effort to be straightforward and respectful to women on online dating, I really have trouble felling sorry for anyone when I get ignored utterly.

 

I haven't had a date in over five years, and therefore zero opportunity to do "all the horrible things" us men apparently do.

 

I have zero expextions about winning anyone over, but if y'all won't give some of us a chance to be the decent people we might be on one simple date, then what exactly are we supposed to do?

 

I'm so tired of this crap.

[thecrucible]

Online dating is so crap. I've just become single but I can't just can't bring myself to do it again...just don't want to put myself through it. You have to filter through a heap of crap to get to talk to anyone decent. I would say with guys like OP mentioned, just ghost them. If they're acting like that, they don't care enough anyway.

[big dog]

First of all you need to stop the online dating thing. That stuff can be dangerous for one thing . People can tell you anything they want you to hear and be anybody they want to be. Get away from that. Be patient. Wait for the better guys to come along and at least get to know 'em a little before dating.

[Twizzlestick]

I get it. You want to feel a bit special....nothing wrong with that. Problem is, OLD is the wrong vehicle for feeling special in early dates.

 

OLD is commonly known as a numbers game. Guys can't reasonably be expected to plan nice or interesting dates for all the girls they are seeing. Not only would it cost them a fortune, they could be stuck at a dinner table for an hour or two with Bertha Boring. Same thing with getting women confused...it's bound to happen when you're multi dating early on.

 

However, if you were to meet men in real life, you'd build a rapport with him before even going on a date. He'd be much more likely to plan a nice date because he already knows that you're not going to be a waste of time. Likewise, you'd already know whether or not he can hold a conversation before accepting the date. Real life would be a far better choice for you.

 

Naturally, if you find a guy through OLD who you do get on well with, it's perfectly reasonable to expect him to make the effort for nice dates when you've both stopped dating others.

 

This all day long.

 

I’ve just asked a girl out online and she seemed disappointed at just meeting for drinks. She wanted more. So I’m now down to planning an acitivity before the drinks in a place I don’t know. The thing is, I’ve never met this girl. I’ve no voice to put to her, no idea of how she looks in 3D away from slimming filters, no idea of how awkward she is, how fun she is, is she sarcastic as hell. Nothing.

 

I’m not planning fancy dates for every stranger I blindly meet online. I’d be broke and bored. There’s nothing worse than getting an hour into ten pin bowling and a walk round a zoo with dinner still to come and that scintillating stranger online turns out to be dull as dishwater in the flesh (btw what Is it you quite expect as an activity on these dates - helicopter rides or something)

 

 

With OLD you want to go low key as a frame to meet in person and check how it all is. The first meeting or two with OLD is basically an extension of the online chatting rather than a real “date” in the old fashioned sense, it’s kind of replacing the natural bit that’s missing “in real life” where you see someone in the flesh and get to know them a bit before properly “dating”

 

.

 

Then later comes the effort as basil says.

[SumGuy]

...

With OLD you want to go low key as a frame to meet in person and check how it all is. The first meeting or two with OLD is basically an extension of the online chatting rather than a real “date” in the old fashioned sense, it’s kind of replacing the natural bit that’s missing “in real life” where you see someone in the flesh and get to know them a bit before properly “dating”

...

Exactly!

I'm not sure I'd go out with someone who insisted on an activity the first meeting (it's really not a date) unless she picked and planned it, even then I'd be aware of the fact this may be just a ploy to get a free outing with no interest in me.

Now the second meeting I do consider a date, and I may plan some activity but low key (and something I want to do or try) like a sip and paint, bowling, kayaking, ice skating, Oktoberfest, wine tasting, beer tasting, live music, etc., etc.

 

 

That said, QueenMay had a lot of cool suggestions and hints she seems to give for an activity, and getting the feeling guys don't do that for her on the second, or third, or ever date. That's sad because I'd jump at the chance to take a woman out on a science or geek related activity.

Edited September 24, 2019 by SumGuy

[Twizzlestick]

Some more musings..

 

I posted a thread about my own little anxieties I’m having with dating and this thread is a bad read for me as it’s playing into my fears :D

 

OP As an aside to the thread title. I won’t go into the behavior I’ve experience from girls online that leave your complaints in the Pail. Try being constantly dropped cold for one. Us guys have plenty of things chucked our way. I don’t let in grind me though .

 

As SumGuy said OP does have some fantastic ideas for outings. Really nice ideas that I’d personally enjoy.

 

I’m picking up though you seem to have a glass wall stopping you suggesting activities. There’s also the expectation of a full on “date” on the 1st meeting with a stranger (I mentioned why I don’t do that above). Also I sense you’re someone that perhaps has an unconscious/conscious expectation to move to commit early doors (rightly or wrongly, it’s what I picked up?)

 

Guys aren’t mind readers. Activities are a lottery depending on taste - an exhibition is as dull and excruciating as can be with the wrong girl. A potential date killer - she’d think the guy boring, pretentious and not fun: mooching about silent hushed galleries wishing she was with Tom who'd have taken her crazy golfing. To you it’s great, to me it’s nice enough, but not necessary to Sally or Marie.

 

You’re strangers. Imagine walking up to a stranger and guessing what he’d like for his birthday? I know you’re having an issue with guys not asking, but if they do, suggest, and don’t judge for them not pulling it out of the air. I’d also drop the expectation of these activities on the first meeting, for reasons I’ve mentioned in previous.

 

I’ve had a couple of dates where I sensed early the girl investing heavily and coming on strong in language. It panicked me and felt like I was being corralled. I’d had essentially 2 hours in the flesh meeting them, maybe 4 hours after 2 dates and there they were texting like we’re a couple. That’s no time. I like to enjoy the dating thing, take it slow. I don’t want to have a clock above my head that says “4 dates mate - that’s 10 hours face to face time - you need to commit”.

 

If it doesn’t work for the girl, fine, she can tell me and not see me again. But it’s also my total right and choosing not to be strapped down early. I was dumped last year and there’s no way I’m committing without due diligence. I also don’t want to be robbed of the fun of the dating stage by some keen beaver - that’s happened so much in my life and I’ve learnt my lesson.

 

I’d love to meet a decent woman who bowls me over. But the effort moves up once dating gets going after actually meeting for real, and the getting to know you bit isn’t rushed.

 

Just one guys view from that side of the fence

Edited September 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SumGuy]

I believe the OP did mention her interest at least to some of these guys. I believe the tough thing is she is in her 20 and 20 something guys can be full of themselves, as can 20 something girls Not her so much, sounds like she just wants a decent guy who doesn’t view dating through a hook up culture lens.

[SumGuy]

@Twizzlestick.

To hijack a bit, are you finding women want you to plan elaborate activities often? Not to add more to your anxiety just wondering your dating woes. You seem to have your head about you on dating, of course there is no accounting for our hearts.

[Twizzlestick]

@Twizzlestick.

To hijack a bit, are you finding women want you to plan elaborate activities often? Not to add more to your anxiety just wondering your dating woes. You seem to have your head about you on dating, of course there is no accounting for our hearts.

 

I’ve been on 3 dates and each one was drink at a pub. 1 was a meal at a pub but that felt too much for first meeting, they didn’t say anything to me about it not being enough, might have thought it . All of them seemed really happy with it though. This is the first one who wants to do a full afternoon of it.

 

Ah my anxieties ha. I wrote it in a thread I started. More to do with my getting worried. I like to take things slowly. I’ve found the “dating” thing that sounds so much fun not lasting. Girls tend to get quite keen on. I want to stretch it out before committing and be in the “dating” thing longer. I’m seeing this girl next week and chatting to two others on tinder. Already that feels wrong which it shouldn’t. Its weird. I want to keep my options open until I feel something that’s right for me. I don’t want to be pinned down early, but seems unless you can everything after 1 date going on 3/4 dates with someone seems to allude to committing. That’s how it feels, prob partly my hang ups ha. As someone said to me, I need to chill out and not worry about it as it’s cramping my style

Edited September 24, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[SumGuy]

I’ve been on 3 dates and each one was drink at a pub. 1 was a meal at a pub but that felt too much for first meeting, they didn’t say anything to me about it not being enough, might have thought it . All of them seemed really happy with it though.

Those sound like perfect first meetings. I almost always choose "pubs," though they could be restaurants with a bar scene, a brew pub, or even a board game pub. For me if it is going well will propose we get dinner, sometimes if I like the on line interaction dinner will be part of it as frankly I don't have enough time for dinner separate from dating sometimes.

 

Ah my anxieties ha. I wrote it in a thread I started. More to do with my getting worried. I like to take things slowly. I’ve found the “dating” thing that sounds so much fun not lasting. Girls tend to get quite keen on. I want to stretch it out before committing and be in the “dating” thing longer. I’m seeing this girl next week and chatting to two others on tinder. Already that feels wrong which it shouldn’t. Its weird. I want to keep my options open until I feel something that’s right for me. I don’t want to be pinned down early, but seems unless you can everything after 1 date going on 3/4 dates with someone seems to allude to committing. That’s how it feels, prob partly my hang ups ha. As someone said to me, I need to chill out and not worry about it as it’s cramping my style

By committing do people mean being sexually exclusive?

I will do that after first sleeping with someone, but that doesn't mean we are necessarily boyfriend/girlfriend, just not seeing anyone else until we figure out if that s where we want to go.

 

I normally only be exclusive (if there was no sex yet) after we went on at least 3 or 4 dates and I really, really felt connection and chemistry. Of course I broke my own "rule" on that recently and decide to focus on 1 person after 2 dates. However, in every case where there has been such connection an chemistry we have slept together by date 3 or 4...often having to hold ourselves back on date 2

 

You should keep you options open until something feels right for you (although I do believe if you are sleeping with someone you shouldn't necessarily be seeking others) and so should they. When it feels right then can focus on just seeing them. You really are just meeting people to see. It's not out in the world you stop chatting with women if you hit it off for one and you decide to go out on a first date.

 

For me it is really about trying not to lead someone along, I know that is hard to do if they like you more than them (if you get that I say welcome to beautiful woman world...being attractive is not all roses). I think it can be as simple as you believe people should get a good sense of each other and know each other before they commit (or have sex) and that takes time, and for you at least 3 or 4 dates.

If you are in demand, so to speak, the danger gets to be when you have 3 or 4 dates with more than one person, and they both really like you and want to move forward...then you have to pick (or at least I do) and potentially end up hurting one.

 

So for me if I plan a date 3 with one woman I make no further plans with any others, to avoid this but sometimes people are really into you on date 1 or 2.

I may still message/chat with women when planning that date 3 but not make plans.

If I go for a date 4 it is at that point I make the decision to truly shut looking at others down.

 

In reality I often focus on one woman after date 2, and it often leaves me "missing" other opportunities but I never really had a fear of missing out problem.

 

Yikes ! realize that may not make you any less anxious, all can say is women do this too, and it is my understanding this is acceptable behavior.

[Twizzlestick]

Cheers sumguy, that was like peering into my concerns. Right on the nail. I’m a fella too just to clarify.

 

Having been dumped after ten years last year, I want to take my time. Peruse the salesrooms. Sometimes dating feels like when the pushy salesman wanders over and before you know it you’re corralled and hocked in debt to a blue car when latterly you see a red one in a different show room, that you really should’ve held out for.

 

 

What you say about leading on is at the crux. What’s hobbling me is because these girls tend to role into it after even 1 date its making me feel obligated to either bail the keen girl or ditch the others early on. What’s happening is I’m failing-safe, and not seeing girls after the first date because I see how keen they are, see my doubts and rather than give it a crack of the whip and go for 3/4 more dates I panic and press the no thanks text. What also confirms this anxiety is these 3 girls who I explained I don’t wish to proceed - non of them wrote back to me. That’s hardly a mature response so tells me they were in a huff about it, as if I did something I’m not entitled to do.

 

On the other hand, the other half of me that’s not worried about people pleasing (and my old Mum echoed this when I mentioned the topic) said it’s not my fault if someone gets in too early. I mean in my book you should still be on the looking until you have an exclusivity chat.

 

It’s my morals really. I think I need to stop worrying, go on multiple dates and even if girl A is mentally all in after 1 date it doesn’t stop me exiting stage left after 4 dates if I’m feeling it’s not the right thing and that’s kind of not my fault. Otherwise I’m technically “obligated” to keep dating a girl who likes me after 1/2 dates and no one does that

 

 

It doesn’t help my ailing concerns when I read girls on tinder posting things like “I’m 30 next year - no time wasters”. It all kind of infers “date me, and you better not bail”. When did this become the accepted idea ha? What do they classify in their minds as a “time waster”? Someone who has the ignomy to be thoroughly charming, flirty but then after 3 dates say no thanks? I don’t know.

Edited September 24, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[SumGuy]

Cheers sumguy, that was like peering into my concerns. Right on the nail. I’m a fella too just to clarify.

I figured but these kind of concerns are gender independent in my book. Women I believe get the pressure to have sex sooner than they want.

 

What you say about leading on is at the crux. What’s hobbling me is because these girls tend to role into it after even 1 date its making me feel obligated to either bail the keen girl or ditch the others early on.

It is acceptable to take it "slow" (though deciding after 3 dates is far from slow). You can never make everyone happy, just try to act in a way you consider honorable (and most reasonable people would agree).

If a recurrent problem being up front about your approach is the best you can do. You don't want to make snap decisions and feel you need to go out with a person at least 3 times to get an idea if there is potential there. Everyone can have a bad 1st date or a great 1st date that is not indicative of compatibility. You can say it is flattering if they "know" after 1 date your the one, but if you truly are then it will be even more apparent after date 3.

Compatibility is a 2-way street, it is the inherent risk and nature of dating that one will feel it and the other not.

 

What’s happening is I’m failing-safe, and not seeing girls after the first date because I see how keen they are, see my doubts and rather than give it a crack of the whip and go for 3/4 more dates I panic and press the no thanks text.

That may be a problem if they are not pressuring you to commit after date 1 but want to see where it goes as well. I mean after all are you only going to try to go on 2nd dates with those who are not keen on you?

 

What also confirms this anxiety is these 3 girls who I explained I don’t wish to proceed - non of them wrote back to me. That’s hardly a mature response so tells me they were in a huff about it, as if I did something I’m not entitled to do.

There are other explanations. They may just be oh well, don't want to bother him and move on. They maybe sad. They may be mad. Believe me though if they were really mad you would hear it.

On my end as a man I always let the woman know I'm cool with it if she says she wants to pursue someone else she met. Because I am and because so many men it seems send out a scathing message when "rejected." No one needs that so good to let them know. Also, I know that these things often do not work out so if I was really interested I'd let them know no hard feelings and to look me up if it doesn't work.

 

It’s my morals really. I think I need to stop worrying, go on multiple dates and even if girl A is mentally all in after 1 date it doesn’t stop me exiting stage left after 4 dates if I’m feeling it’s not the right thing and that’s kind of not my fault. Otherwise I’m technically “obligated” to keep dating a girl who likes me after 1/2 dates and no one does that

Yes. Perhaps you can also work on exiting after date 2 if it is not working. For me if I don't feel it by date 2 then I'll exit, but it does happen that the feeling goes away on date 4 when unforeseen differences arise. It's all very inexact.

 

It doesn’t help my ailing concerns when I read girls on tinder posting things like “I’m 30 next year - no time wasters”. It all kind of infers “date me, and you better not bail”. When did this become the accepted idea ha? What do they classify in their minds as a “time waster”? Someone who has the ignomy to be thoroughly charming, flirty but then after 3 dates say no thanks? I don’t know.

I personally would pass on a profile that says "no time wasters" I get the sentiment but that is a basic trait. No one wants a time a waster no matter their age, and jut saying it isn't going to keep time wasters away. All it says to me is that there is a good chance you are going to be paying for the sins of the men she has dated before.

 

On the ignomy, fun is fine but I would hold back on the flirty if you are not feeling it. It's not good to be hot and flirty and then just break it off. This goes with escalating much past a kiss as well.

Edited September 24, 2019 by SumGuy

[Twizzlestick]

Thanks sumguy. Interesting to gather another’s approach to what is a dynamic and largely individualistic thing. I think I’m a pretty balanced person with dating. I’ve always fairly intuitive about reading situations, it’s always been a good ability of mine.

 

Good to read some suggestions on the various points. I’ll try them out for size. Re the time waster, yes I passed. In fact I pass on any profile that’s whiny or moaning. If there’s a list of”donts” it’s swipe left. Most unattractive insight into the way someone ticks if they think that’s attractive (won’t matter to 90 percent of men likely but does this one!). A bit like sending a bitching cv to a new employer.

 

 

With the particular things that are troubling me I know at least I think why they’re on my radar - I’m new to dating again after a breakup which has placed me on a slightly defensive footing. Less “don’t worry about it” as advice from various sources indicate.

 

I’ve been treated not favourably by the odd person in dating so it happens to us all. In fact, ten mins ago I’ve just had a downright rude message on tinder after my nice first message. Something along the lines of casting aspersions on my character based on my career. So, granted this doesn’t infer react in kind to others, but I need to be less people pleasy and just go with it. I do think kissing someone and then deciding down the way is ok. Granted not sex. After all, compatibility is based on sexuality as well as softer core things. It’s part of it. I guess we have our lines in the sand. One girl might think a kiss inferred mutuality. I don’t, but that’s me.

Edited September 24, 2019 by Twizzlestick