The other guy

[joemax]

I’m the other guy. We work together. We’ve been seeing each other and sleeping together since January. We’ve tried stopping 3-4 times but always seem to start up again. Last week she finally told me she’d leave him that day. Before she could, he confronted her saying he knows everything. Now she won’t even talk to me. Ignoring me even though we work together. I haven’t slept since Saturday. I eat maybe one meal a day. I am so broken.

[mark clemson]

Stuff happens. She's his wife. Let her go back to him if he'll have her.

 

You may have strong feelings for her, but - you're an adult. You know they'll fade eventually. Find someone who you can fully have. Where you're not interfering in someone's existing marriage.

 

Does she have kids? Realize that if you had been together the kids would have hated you for hurting their father. You would not have been accepted. That is a big deal for most folks.

 

Let this go.

[BreakOnThrough]

Such is life, be thankful your life has not been totally ruined and hope you still have a job when this is all over with.

[Mr. Lucky]

I’m the other guy. We work together. We’ve been seeing each other and sleeping together since January.

 

Is she married? Are you? Kids involved? Is one of you a supervisor/manager/partner at work?

 

It's often not as simple as "she’d leave him"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[joemax]

Stuff happens. She's his wife. Let her go back to him if he'll have her.

 

You may have strong feelings for her, but - you're an adult. You know they'll fade eventually. Find someone who you can fully have. Where you're not interfering in someone's existing marriage.

 

Does she have kids? Realize that if you had been together the kids would have hated you for hurting their father. You would not have been accepted. That is a big deal for most folks.

 

Let this go.

 

She doesn’t have kids, not married, but they have a house together´.

 

 

Is she married? Are you? Kids involved? Is one of you a supervisor/manager/partner at work?

 

It's often not as simple as "she’d leave him"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Not married and neither am I. No children. We’re not supervisors or managers at our job.

[mark clemson]

Fair enough. Well, the bottom line is she chose him for whatever reasons. It probably hurts a lot, but it is what it is. Still suggest you let this go.

 

Think if neither of you are married, this belongs under Dating/Cheating instead of here.

[crispytoast]

Did you ever get it on at her house?

[schlumpy]

A multi year relationship is going to trump a few months of random sex every time the discovery day card played.

 

Poof!!!!!! All the fantasy blown away.

[Mr. Lucky]

Not married and neither am I.

 

Well then, I guess you truly are the "other guy", defined as 'a person or thing that is distinct from one already known about'.

 

She's obviously decided he's her partner and romantic future, you're something separate and distinct from that.

 

Unless you're interested in the few crumbs she may continue to be willing to throw you way, it is indeed time to move on.

 

Hope you decide at some point you deserve more - and better - than this...

 

Mr. Lucky

[usa1ah]

What did you honestly think would happen?

 

She is a cheater and you thought everything would work out?

 

Also, why did you go after another mans girl to being with?

 

Sorry you are upset but the best thing is to move on. If she did leave her bf for you more then likely she would just turn around and cheat on you.

 

If you play with fire you will get burned. At least you know how her boyfriend feels about her cheating on him. She got you both.

[IslandSanctuary]

Don't bang women with low moral fortitude. You didn't quite get what you deserve, but it's in the right direction

[Buffer]

Well first off, how r u?

 

Now that is out of the way, just for me.

You were having a affair with a woman from your workplace who was in a committed relationship and now after being outed she isn’t banging you or communicating any more.

 

Sound like she is trying to trying to regain her life to continue with her original long term partner who they have committed to each other by purchasing a home together.

Why would you seek assistance in coming between them?

[Buffer]

She is wanting to get back on track with her betrayed other half, to recover her relationship. Are you wanting to come between them?

 

There are a lot of issues to cover, and some people here are betrayed spouses, they may not be very sympathetic to you. They have been on the other end of infidelity.

 

She might just want not what you are offering. Hence she is trying to go NC, to get you out of her mind and life. Doing a 180.

In this affair there are minimal of three people, each with differing side, yours, hers and his.

Two of you lied to make your meetings, catching a quick grope in the stationary room etc.

You could have even risked your employment since it is a work place relationship.

 

Can you take the high road, man up and let her be with her chosen person?

It will be very hard to work there and not communicate, other work colleagues will already notice the coldness between the two of you.

In the workplace people already suspect what has been going on regardless of how carful you both were. Let’s not get HR involved.

Can you ask to move to another area, location etc; even resign?

 

If all this is not acceptable and you want her regardless then it will get ugly. It can only hurt everyone involved.

 

Let her go

[Maddie82]

She chose her husband. It's over. The married ones almost never leave their spouses. She wont be back so its best you move on.

[pepperbird]

You're never going to know for sure what is going on in her mind, and you'll drive yourself to distraction trying to figure her out.

 

I will say one thing though. In my experience, many affairs are driven by forces within both of the people involved. When they end, it's the same. The end is almost always driven by those same internal forces.

 

Example" a woman gets into an affair because for whatever reason, it's a choice she wanted to make. It's not because of her husband, kids, job or anything else. She did it because, at that point in time, it was what she wanted to do.

 

The affair has now run it's course, as, like most affairs, it simply wasn't sustainable over the long term Her partner may have found out she was cheating, she may have decided it wasn't worth it or it could even be she is a user, got from you what she needed and has moved on. Some women are like that. They are "users", and go through life like a sort of emotional vampire, gaining sustenance from the emotional pain of others.

 

It's also possible she was never really comfortable cheating, so she decided to stop.

 

Whatever the cause, the affair is over, and you are left holding the pieces. What do you plan to do? Pursuing her will just extend your heartache, and for what? To give her another ego boost? To make her feel like she's just so amazing that she can treat you like crap and you'll just keep coming back?

 

Sir, I know it may not feel like it now, but you have dodged a huge bullet. Give yourself plenty of time before you decide what to do next.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Such is life, be thankful your life has not been totally ruined and hope you still have a job when this is all over with.

 

... and all of his bones still intact

[Origin]

Had the same thing happen to me. Best advice is to leave it alone, you'll be grateful in the long run.

Stop trying to figure it out and accept that some things aren't what they appear to be.

 

Good luck to you.

[joemax]

Little update: since I last posted, she decided to “choose” me. She told me that since he found out about us, he was being abusive and insulting towards her. She said that she realized she wanted to be with me and that we are much more compatible that they were. Two weeks ago, she told him that she wouldn’t stop seeing me and so he moved out of the house. She told me that she couldn’t wait to be with me and start a relationship and life with me.

 

Two days after this, she told me she needed space, so I gave it to her. Another 4 days after, she told me that she is getting back together with him after all. I asked for Evan explanation, trying to understand why/how everything went so wrong in such a short amount of time. She said that she simply “got fed up with the situation and the stress and with me”, and that “seeing me right now just proved to her that she made the right decision”. She’s also blocked me on social media and message.

 

I am extremely confused and heartbroken.

[Maddie82]

I'm guessing you didn't take anyone's advice then about leaving it. She came running to you when things got a little hairy with her partner because she needed a little emotional support. She used you. My guess is that they had a fight about it again and they exchanged some heated words, then when the dust settled again and she no longer needed you to pacify her, she went back to him.

Edited October 7, 2019 by Maddie82

[joemax]

I'm guessing you didn't take anyone's advice then about leaving it. She came running to you when things got a little hairy with her partner because she needed a little emotional support. She used you. My guess is that they had a fight about it again and they exchanged some heated words, then when the dust settled again and she no longer needed you to pacify her, she went back to him.

 

I know, I screwed up. I believed her because she said that he was moving out, I thought it really was over.

[Maddie82]

I know, I screwed up. I believed her because she said that he was moving out, I thought it really was over.

 

I would definitely leave it now. She had her chance. Don't give her the opportunity to use you again. Tell her to get lost if she comes skulking around you again.

[ABernie]

I'm so sorry Joe,

 

This happened to me as well. It hurts so much. I couldn't comprehend it when it was new, but time really will help. I have a better picture of it all a year after DDay.

 

Try to stay active. If you don't want to eat, don't, but make sure you have one meal in you a day.

[Hrgirl915]

Little update: since I last posted, she decided to “choose” me. She told me that since he found out about us, he was being abusive and insulting towards her. She said that she realized she wanted to be with me and that we are much more compatible that they were. Two weeks ago, she told him that she wouldn’t stop seeing me and so he moved out of the house. She told me that she couldn’t wait to be with me and start a relationship and life with me.

 

Two days after this, she told me she needed space, so I gave it to her. Another 4 days after, she told me that she is getting back together with him after all. I asked for Evan explanation, trying to understand why/how everything went so wrong in such a short amount of time. She said that she simply “got fed up with the situation and the stress and with me”, and that “seeing me right now just proved to her that she made the right decision”. She’s also blocked me on social media and message.

 

I am extremely confused and heartbroken.

 

I am so sorry for your pain. Thank you for sharing your story. I have no advice other than time. Time will heal your sadness. It may feel like it’s dragging on forever but each day will get a tad better. I don’t know how people can consciously use someone and then look at themselves in the mirror.

[mark clemson]

It sounds like this woman can't figure out what she wants or possibly that she wants her H, but just not at the level of anger he had temporarily reached. At any rate, best advice, as it was before, is to walk away from this. She's a mess right now and most likely will be for quite some time. Consider looking for a new (non-committed) GF to temporarily take the edge off this. If you don't like that idea, follow the general recovery advice that's in many threads.

[joemax]

I would definitely leave it now. She had her chance. Don't give her the opportunity to use you again. Tell her to get lost if she comes skulking around you again.

 

She won’t. I mean, she’s done this before but never with this level of indifference and she’s never been this rude before.

 

I'm so sorry Joe,

 

This happened to me as well. It hurts so much. I couldn't comprehend it when it was new, but time really will help. I have a better picture of it all a year after DDay.

 

Try to stay active. If you don't want to eat, don't, but make sure you have one meal in you a day.

 

I’m trying. But how do you get over someone you see every day?

 

I am so sorry for your pain. Thank you for sharing your story. I have no advice other than time. Time will heal your sadness. It may feel like it’s dragging on forever but each day will get a tad better. I don’t know how people can consciously use someone and then look at themselves in the mirror.

 

She put all the blame on me too. Telling me I smothered her, telling me I caused too much stress for her. I don’t know how I went wrong. She did this 4 times before and I took her back every time because I tried to be empathetic to how difficult the situation was, tried to be patient.