The other guy

[mark clemson]

She did this 4 times before and I took her back every time because I tried to be empathetic to how difficult the situation was, tried to be patient.

 

 

One issue is you're clearly letting her drive the train here and so she's driving it to wherever happens to be convenient for her at the moment. It appears the hot/cold of this is turning you into somewhat of a needy wreck.

 

Suggest you make a choice to be done with her and stick to it as completely and fully as you can. Don't let her keep walking all over you. Avoid her at work while you recover emotionally. Then find another girl who's much more emotionally healthy for you.

[Hrgirl915]

She put all the blame on me too. Telling me I smothered her, telling me I caused too much stress for her. I don’t know how I went wrong. She did this 4 times before and I took her back every time because I tried to be empathetic to how difficult the situation was, tried to be patient.

 

Yes, my AP always blamed me and my “behaviors” because he would do things to trigger me, like lie, and then I’d lash out when the truth unfolded. I always equated it to cutting someone with a knife and then get upset when they bleed. What I thought or felt never mattered or was minimized. I wasn’t wrong and neither are you. It’s called projection.

 

I have no magic words to take your pain away. We are all just here as a listening ear. Heartache is tough. It’s like death and you grieve the loss of someone you were really close to. Just go day by day and try to keep yourself busy with distraction. I have been washing my car like every other day and cleaning out a lot of stuff. Even began looking into my MBA. Whatever it takes to keep my mind busy.

[joemax]

I don’t know if I can do this. How do I get over someone I see every day? I feel so hurt and sad all the time, I’m exhausted and I don’t know what to do. I want to quit.

[Maddie82]

I don’t know if I can do this. How do I get over someone I see every day? I feel so hurt and sad all the time, I’m exhausted and I don’t know what to do. I want to quit.

 

Are you financially stable enough to quit your job? If not, i recommend that you look for another job and secure it before you hand in any kind of notice.

 

You definitely need to get away from her.

[Mrin]

I don’t know if I can do this. How do I get over someone I see every day? I feel so hurt and sad all the time, I’m exhausted and I don’t know what to do. I want to quit.

 

Start looking for a new job

[mark clemson]

^^^ and one prior. Good advice if that's what you need to do. Try to make it a step up - turn the problem into an opportunity.

[joemax]

Are you financially stable enough to quit your job? If not, i recommend that you look for another job and secure it before you hand in any kind of notice.

 

You definitely need to get away from her.

 

I wish it were that easy. We’re teachers, and I just got my tenure. I don’t want to throw it away. I don’t know what to do.

[mark clemson]

Ah bummer. You may just have to wait it out then. Feelings fade eventually. Just takes much longer than we'd like. In the meantime look up the advice on what to do to help cope with breakup blues/residual limerence. Nothing "fixes" it, but coping strategies make it more tolerable.

[NotADayGoesBy]

I wish it were that easy. We’re teachers, and I just got my tenure. I don’t want to throw it away. I don’t know what to do.

 

That sucks. I too have to work with my xAP and it's horrific, so I understand what you're going through. It also sounds like she said all that stuff to make it easier for her to end it. I doubt you did anything wrong--it's about her and you have no idea all the factors at play in her decision, you can only guess, so don't waste your time wondering. You will never know and you'll only drive yourself crazy.

 

I too am stuck in my job and can't leave, so again, I know what you're going through. There were days when I considered just quitting anyway, but I'm now glad I stuck it out. But it's HARD and you have to just know it's going to be brutal for a long time, but it will get tolerable. You will have to pretend she is dead to you--never socialize with her, or chat with her other than being polite and saying hello. Don't sit near her, and avoid her as much as you can. I don't mean this in a mean way, you are protecting yourself, so treat her like she's not there unless you have to talk to her for work. I email my AP, and then I'll call if an email is too complex, and then only if absolutely necessary will I go see him to discuss work.

 

Do the other teachers know? My guess is some do, and maybe even some of the students depending on their age. We all knew our 8th grade math and Spanish teachers were having an affair. Kids are perceptive.

 

Hang in there--it will be a slow, painful recovery, but you will get there. Just know it will not happen quickly.

[joemax]

An update, for those interested: she’s been nicer the past week. She apologized for the way she acted, said I didn’t deserve it. Told her I appreciated the apology. She also said that I didn’t do anything for her to change, that it’s all on her. I told her my theory: that she got scared because she saw how happy she could be, and she ran. She kind of didn’t say anything. She also told me things have been difficult with him; any time she even sees me at work she has to tell him about it, she can’t be on her phone at home with her screen facing away form him, etc.

 

What I’ve been doing is pretending to be happy every time I see her, making it seem like I’m not suffering, while also trying my best to keep my distance, only ever initiating contact when it pertains to work matters, etc.

 

Doing what I can.

[mark clemson]

From what I understand, these actions are fairly typical in a reconciliation situation as she must earn back her husband's trust. It would often go for a male as well. If you're serious about staying out of it, suggest you don't say things about "chance to be happy" etc. as this will make her second guess her decision.

 

If she's truly unhappy, her marriage will most likely fall of it's own accord without any outside influences. Don't take away her opportunity to determine this.

[Amethyst68]

You may have to see her at work but every time you interact with her in a non-work environment is a conscious choice on your part. You have to realise this is a decision YOU are making to prolong your hurt.

[ABernie]

What helped me is a rebound relationship.

 

Even Bumble just to start talking to others and getting your mind off her.

[S2B]

She won’t. I mean, she’s done this before but never with this level of indifference and she’s never been this rude before.

 

 

 

I’m trying. But how do you get over someone you see every day?

 

 

 

She put all the blame on me too. Telling me I smothered her, telling me I caused too much stress for her. I don’t know how I went wrong. She did this 4 times before and I took her back every time because I tried to be empathetic to how difficult the situation was, tried to be patient.

 

She is so much drama! Ewwww

 

And notice she doesn’t take responsibility for the way she participated? She used TWO men and caused harm to both of them.

 

She blames you

Be sure she also blames him

 

This isn’t a gal you want to date - run

 

Get a new job! It’s a great opportunity for change. And don’t date someone you work with - it makes the work environment difficult when it doesn’t work out!