I want an old-fashioned guy

[Lorenza]

My opinion about relationships was usually dictated by modern day feminism and ideas that dominate the dating world here in Sweden. But I have slowly come to a realisation that I'm being conditioned into thinking that way and I'm much more old-fashioned, coming from Eastern Europe originally, where relationships are a bit different and that feels right to me, as it seems to me like that feminism has ruined rl to an extent (although I support a lot of ideas, like fighting against institutionalized sexual harrassment and equal pay, I just don't like eradicating gender roles in rl completely, because I feel like there's a lot of natural instincts that are being denied to both men and women).

 

I'd like to be in a rl where I'm allowed to be the weaker sex, make the home (although I want to work as well), cook and do domestic work in return of being protected by a man who takes most of the financial responsibilities.

 

So how do I navigate in the dating world, how to let people know how I feel without sounding like I'm shallow or looking for a provider (cause I want love and romance, just can't see that happening with guys who conform to those feministic ideas in rl). A guy not suggesting to pay for my coffee has always been a huge turn-off for me even though I was trying to convince myself that I'm an independent woman who pays for herself. But it's just not romantic for me and I don't want that. I also don't want a guy with suppressed masculinity which is so usual here - guys are afraid to even make romantic gestures to not seem sexist. To each their own, but I want an old timey rl so any ideas how to find that? Should I always dismiss guys who don't suggest to buy my coffee as a sign of them not being like that?

[BluEyeL]

Oh, not a big deal, you don't have to make big announcements or anything like that. Just keep dating guys, and follow the old fashioned rules.

 

Don't ask men out and only go out with men who ask you out.

Don't see men again if they don't offer to pay at dates 1,2, and 3

Don't put out right away

 

Talk to the man and see what kind of ideas he has about life and relationships. During conversation, you can understand the type of guy he is. Learn how he's treating people in his life, women in particular. Let him know if are into caring for the man you love, when it comes in conversation. don't make it a big thing.

 

You don't need to find a special place where you can find the type of guy you're looking for. Keep dating and meeting people and that's how you do it.

[Londy]

You'll know him when you find him, he'll be riding a unicorn.

[Mr. Lucky]

You'll know him when you find him, he'll be riding a unicorn.

 

I don't think this is true. There's a lot of men, especially from certain cultural backgrounds (and perhaps the same as yours, OP), looking for a woman with similar goals and qualities.

 

You're not going to find these partners on Tinder, you'll have to be looking in the right places...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

You'll know him when you find him, he'll be riding a unicorn.

 

I agree. Good luck finding that man these days. Young men have been conditioned to believe this is not what women want plus the world is so that hardly any man can afford to give a woman that type of lifestyle. Also most women these days don't want to be looked at as a homemaker so yeah you're looking for a unicorn.

[BluEyeL]

I don't think this is true. There's a lot of men, especially from certain cultural backgrounds (and perhaps the same as yours, OP), looking for a woman with similar goals and qualities.You're not going to find these partners on Tinder, you'll have to be looking in the right places...

My husband is that type to some extent and I met him on match.

 

I'm also from Eastern Europe, I have a job and a career and make good money by objective standards, but I also prefer somewhat of the traditional gender roles.

 

Meaning I'll do all the cooking and most of the organizing of the day to day home life (errands, grocery shopping, and the majority of chores-although we have a cleaning lady) but not mow the lawn, take out the trash, put together furniture, build stuff, and I am happy that my husband makes more money than me and can pay for our vacations lol

 

I don't blame feminism for anything though, I think there is someone for everyone and feminism has always been quite helpful for me. I'd never be where I am today without it and I don't want to be a stay at home wife.

Edited September 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PRW]

But it's just not romantic for me and I don't want that. I also don't want a guy with suppressed masculinity which is so usual here - guys are afraid to even make romantic gestures to not seem sexist. To each their own, but I want an old timey rl so any ideas how to find that? Should I always dismiss guys who don't suggest to buy my coffee as a sign of them not being like that?

Well I'm not in Sweden unfortunately for you,...you're talking to one of those types you say you want. Also unfortunately Sweden is probably the absolute worst place on the planet to be in if you want to find this type of guy. The US and the UK are not much better.

 

Yes Eastern Europe still has their act together on this while Western Europe and Western Society in general are circling the drain (and there may actually be a civil war on the horizen).

 

I recommend that you try to find a way to get moved back to Eastern Europe. If I could, I'd consider getting there myself, but it is out of my reach.

[PRW]

I don't blame feminism for anything though, I think there is someone for everyone and feminism has always been quite helpful for me. I'd never be where I am today without it and I don't want to be a stay at home wife.

Women were not forced to be stay at home wives before feminism. Feminism (2nd & 3rd wave) is far more evil than you realize. But it didn't begin with feminism. It began when Marxism became "Westernized" and switched from Class based to Culture based around the 1990's. The division between men and women is from Feminism (2nd & 3rd wave), but the modern Feminism (2nd & 3rd wave) is a product of Cultural Marxism. If you are Eastern European then you should have a good knowledge of Marxism since that is where it originated from (such as the former Soviet Union).

[BluEyeL]

@PRW...

 

It's not like I was reading Marx when growing up, I didn't give a c.rap.

 

All I know is I'm doing great and I have a well paid job/career in a male dominated field and that works great for me. Not sure I could have done that in the 50s or even in the 80s.

 

But theory, I don't care, I don't research and I don't know the waves and such. All I know is that I'm the first woman to get tenure in my Engineering Department and the first woman to become a Full Professor in my Department ever. And I became a full professor in 2016. I hardly think I'm the smartest woman in the history to be allowed to achieve this. So, wave or no wave, it works for me. And for the great women that were hired after me. We now have 7 women professors, when I came here in 2005 they had ZERO

Edited September 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

Navigating dating in this modern era is not easy. I can understand the desire to be romanced, to be cherished & to be made to feel like you are the other person's whole world. That is a delirious intoxicating thing when it happens.

 

However, as women we have to understand that men are being given different messages about behavior too. They are cautioned against making assumptions or treating women as less then men. You cannot fault a man for starting from a position that men & women are equal or that this personal equality translates to financial independence.

 

You can't write a guy off just because he expects you to share the financial burdens of life. Remember you can always pay for yourself but you can't always be your own hand to hold or warm arms on a cold night.

 

When I was dating I always said I wanted a man who was strong enough to let me be weak. That wasn't easy to find but I wasn't about to diminish myself just to feel taken cared of. I can take care of myself but it's nice to have that responsibility taken from me occasionally.

 

You have to figure out what you really want -- a partner vs a parent.

[SumGuy]

...

 

I'd like to be in a rl where I'm allowed to be the weaker sex, make the home (although I want to work as well), cook and do domestic work in return of being protected by a man who takes most of the financial responsibilities.

 

...

I don't see how feminism prevents that or a man who is open to treating women equally would not want that.

Rather is the "old fashioned" and "traditional" society in the US that put a lot of pressure on women, social and legally, if the didn't want that.

 

I think the "feminism" you are reacting to is other women judging women because they don't live life the way they do. It never ceases to amaze me the judgment's women put on each other. I've lived in some very conservative parts of the US and have seen those scathing judgments of women who were too "liberal."

 

Being a man who doesn't believe women should have to follow 1950s or even 2020s gender roles, I'd welcome a woman like you in my life.

The only difference between me and a traditional man is I wouldn't pressure you to do that but would support you if you did.

I just want the person in my life to be a partner and contribute to the "us." What you are offering is a lot, making a home is not a trivial task and well done makes life so much nicer for everyone.

 

On being the "weaker sex" I find that women who say that are far from weak.

I get what you mean by that, and for me I have always wanted to be a rock for my partner, but also at times be able to seek comfort with her from life's woes.

That actually is better with women who are the "weaker sex" as they are strong for you in a nurturing way, than those who are "strong," which in my experience means they are there only for themselves and not you.

 

All in all, focus on finding guys interested in a long term relationship and commitment. I suspect no matter their view of feminism they are going to welcome and respect the role you want to play in the relationship.

[BluEyeL]

She didn't say she wanted a parent. I think (might be wrong) I understand what she wants.

 

A guy who will want to lead and will not mind paying at the first date, although she can very well pay as well. Someone who will be stable financially and emotionally and could be leaned on, if needed. Someone whose career is somewhat better than hers and someone that she could trust to follow wherever he would go.

[alphamale]

good luck, when you find him ask if he has a sister for me

[SumGuy]

...

A guy who will want to lead and will not mind paying at the first date, although she can very well pay as well. Someone who will be stable financially and emotionally and could be leaned on, if needed. Someone whose career is somewhat better than hers and someone that she could trust to follow wherever he would go.

 

 

Is that so rare? If it is maybe that is the secret of my success.

I call that being a partner, hoping both of us would be stable, able to rely on and trust each other.

I don't mind being looked up to or asked to take the lead (it's kind of the story of my life), but would want my partner to help keep me honest and be able to value their insights.

[BluEyeL]

Is that so rare? If it is maybe that is the secret of my success.

I call that being a partner, hoping both of us would be stable, able to rely on and trust each other.

I don't mind being looked up to or asked to take the lead (it's kind of the story of my life), but would want my partner to help keep me honest and be able to value their insights.

 

I don't think it's that rare. And I don't think Lorenza needs to talk about it to the people she's dating: "well I want a guy who would do this and that and the other thing". Just observe the guys, what they say and see if they are compatible with her idea of partnership. If not, don't waste her time. This way, she'll find her match faster.

[somanymistakes]

Look, lots of people want lots of different things in life!

 

You want one thing. Not every guy you meet will want that. Some will.

 

It's no different than looking for any other specific thing.

 

Maybe you really want your boyfriend to be a goth who likes heavy metal. Great! Just SAY THAT, and turn down dates with people who don't fit what you're looking for. Be polite and move on.

 

It's not rocket science

 

Say what you want. Politely turn down people who don't meet your desires.

[Lorenza]

Most of the women I know back in my homecountry has the kind of relationship I'm looking for - to be honest I'm even considering moving back just to find that kind of relationship. It's still normal over there, but not here in Scandinavia. The different is astonishing actually. So no, it's far from the unicorn situation, but definitely a unicor in Sweden.

 

What I want is a man who takes charge, who prides himself on being the provider, loves being with a feminine woman etc. I am doing my masters right now and doing an internship in an international company, so I do want a career of my own (it's not a mentally draining career, quite a pleasant one, so I plenty of energy to fix a wonderful home!), but that doesn't mean we have to be identicall in a relationship. I don't know how else to explain it.

[Lorenza]

I agree. Good luck finding that man these days. Young men have been conditioned to believe this is not what women want plus the world is so that hardly any man can afford to give a woman that type of lifestyle. Also most women these days don't want to be looked at as a homemaker so yeah you're looking for a unicorn.

 

Why would it cost so much to give a woman, who has a degree and will most likely land a great job, that kind of lidestyle? I'm not expecting for him to pay for my clothes, beauty and entertainment, just take a bigger part of living expenses. He gets greal meals (and boy can I cook), cosy home, clean ironed clothes, good looking wife who also works, paints, and plays the piano.

In my homecountry it's definitely not a unicorn, but yup, I'm not there. I should seriously move there.

[chillii]

Haaaa, l would've told you that a longgggg time ago.

lt's a shame but ya see the same stuff interfering with a so many women these days.

And nah , before everyone jumps all over it l'm not talking about being tied to the oven in an apron or she shouldn't work, stays home and has babies.

But what your saying is not that bigger deal here either , people live all kinds of ways it's up to them although a lot women seem to work at least part time.

lf the Internets anything to go by though the US seems to be very anti all that sort of thinking, haven't read the thread but l can just see em jumping all over it.

 

On the other hand though , l can sort of see the guys are saying too , l mean these days if she does work, makes some money , great .

l'd never go for anyone working full time and all too busy busy though , l'm not and l hate that stuff it just ruins your time together and takes so much out of her understandably .

 

Anyway , l don't think your looking for a unicorn at all. Maybe where your living but not here or it sounds like at home for you either. like anything relationship wise , you just look for someone that wants the same stuff , whatever that is , and life.

Edited September 11, 2019 by chillii

[Woggle]

The best way to find an old fashioned man is to be an old fashioned woman.

[chillii]

At the end of the day it doesn't matter a damn what anyone else wants or thinks , outside of what two people want for themselves and their lifestyle.

[snowboy91]

You're certainly not the first person I've heard or met that wants to be part of an "old fashioned" relationship. I feel that while feminism has certainly helped a lot of women have a lot more control over their lives financially, I also feel there is a lot of judgement towards women who decide they would much rather fill a traditional role. I thought the whole point of feminism was that women have the right to choose what they want - and that includes a traditional role if they so wish. One of my friends finished uni and decided she wanted the stay-at-home mum role - and she's perfectly happy.

 

Admittedly, though, a lot of guys these days are taught that women are not to be seen as the "lesser" sex nor be expected to stay at home and raise children, and instead be expected to have the freedom to chase their career. Which makes perfect sense in today's society, and I agree with it, but it becomes a lot more difficult for someone who wants to be more traditional - there is certainly a lot of stigma in some countries, and unfortunately Sweden would be one of the worst places to try and have a traditional relationship. Australia isn't any better (perhaps the US might be a slightly better bet? Even so it wouldn't be easy...).

 

But I feel this is another problem - I'll answer this bit:

 

Why would it cost so much to give a woman, who has a degree and will most likely land a great job, that kind of lidestyle? I'm not expecting for him to pay for my clothes, beauty and entertainment, just take a bigger part of living expenses.

 

A different problem is that since women started entering the workforce, the majority of family households went from being single income to dual income. Which I believe has had a knock on effect on living expenses - the greatest of which is housing (in most Western countries). While once upon a time living expenses could be paid by the main breadwinner on an average salary, it's difficult to impossible these days without either a very high salary or dual income. So trying to have a traditional relationship seems to have practical barriers as well as cultural ones - it might actually be worth moving back if you feel as if you'll be closer to getting what you want long term.

Edited September 12, 2019 by snowboy91

[basil67]

Women were not forced to be stay at home wives before feminism.

 

Go and Google the term "marriage bar". In short, it's a law which prevented married women from working and was common post 1900 in many western nations.

 

In the US, marriage bars were lifted under the Civil Rights Act 1964.

In Australia it was formally lifted in 1966

In the UK it started being lifted after 1944

[chillii]

But I feel this is another problem - I'll answer this bit:

A different problem is that since women started entering the workforce, the majority of family households went from being single income to dual income. Which I believe has had a knock on effect on living expenses - the greatest of which is housing (in most Western countries). While once upon a time living expenses could be paid by the main breadwinner on an average salary, it's difficult to impossible these days without either a very high salary or dual income. So trying to have a traditional relationship seems to have practical barriers as well as cultural ones - it might actually be worth moving back if you feel as if you'll be closer to getting what you want long term.

 

 

Couldn't agree with bits no way. but most.

Edited September 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Gretchen12]

Tsk! There you go again. You don't find him. He finds you.