chillii Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 (edited) Look, lots of people want lots of different things in life! You want one thing. Not every guy you meet will want that. Some will. It's no different than looking for any other specific thing. Maybe you really want your boyfriend to be a goth who likes heavy metal. Great! Just SAY THAT, and turn down dates with people who don't fit what you're looking for. Be polite and move on.It's not rocket science Say what you want. Politely turn down people who don't meet your desires. Yeah, pretty much what l was thinking too especially if people are on date sites , they can talk about whatever they want or believe or whatever right there. Edited September 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted September 12, 2019 Author Share Posted September 12, 2019 A different problem is that since women started entering the workforce, the majority of family households went from being single income to dual income. Which I believe has had a knock on effect on living expenses - the greatest of which is housing (in most Western countries). While once upon a time living expenses could be paid by the main breadwinner on an average salary, it's difficult to impossible these days without either a very high salary or dual income. So trying to have a traditional relationship seems to have practical barriers as well as cultural ones - it might actually be worth moving back if you feel as if you'll be closer to getting what you want long term. One of my best friends' husband pays for most of their living expenses on daily life, and they're here in Sweden (though they're not Swedish of course), and her salary goes on clothes, home items, vacations etc. When they write renovating they were both combining their incomes for all the expenses. So it's not like her husband doesn't expect her to pay for anything at all. Also if she wants a new purse she either buys it herself or if she doesn't have the money she doesn't. Although her man often surprises her with things anyway. He has a regular salary. Salaries are pretty high in Sweden for any educated job. So that's how I think as well. I'd like to pay for stuff too, buy him clothes etc, but I grosses me out to hear the 50/50 stuff. Like "ok so last time i paid this and that, so now you can pay for this one or you owe me half of the sum" ugh. Another friend has it exactly like that and her guy will count all the expenses and share exactly in half, also they have a schedule for domestic work, so eeeeverything is in half even when they buy each other xmas presents they decide on a sum it's so cold and calculating 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 God almighty , cringing at that last one. l know a lot of couples here where she doesn't go to a job , might be either kids or she might help a bit in the business , one couple she does all the reno'ing , he works , they're pretty cool those two. Another pair l know were both teachers when they met they bought a bush block few ac' and built a mud brick house over 3 or 4 years . He kept he's job but she stayed back at the block living in the caravan and working on the house and he'd do stuff on his time off. Eventually they finished it but she never went back to work. last l saw them , 10yrs later, they were still the same. She was talking about doing some new online business. Also a very cool couple . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 Hubby supports me and two kids. If I pick up some part time work, all of my income just gets absorbed into our general funds. There is no divvying up of funds according to who earned what. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted September 12, 2019 Author Share Posted September 12, 2019 (edited) God almighty , cringing at that last one. l know a lot of couples here where she doesn't go to a job , might be either kids or she might help a bit in the business , one couple she does all the reno'ing , he works , they're pretty cool those two. .... I'd like to work because I need to earn my pension and have experience just in case my husband would decide he needs a 30 y o when we're in our 50's (that's what happened to my mom - she was a SAHM for 10 years and gave me a fantastic childhood, because dad told her she doesn't have to work. She lost her competence and when dad left her, she couldn't have her career back. So she's been having ****ty jobs since the divorce, jobs that basically make her age faster and ruin her health). So yeah, it would definitely be cool to be a SAHM and give my future kids wonderful time, teach them piano and do dyi projects, or have an online business but it's a bit too risky... But my career is not gonna eat me up so I will be able to spend a lot of time with my future kids and husband Edited September 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 Seems to me that unless money is no object, many women tend to end up in the "traditional" housekeeper/cook/nanny role anyway. I wouldn't be too worried about missing out on that.. many men IME will happily sit back and let you take on those roles as well as the DIY, the gardening, the taking out of the trash... Woman's work. The bit about finding a man to take on the main financial burden, the main provider, WILL result in you being labelled a "gold digger" by some though...Who cares? If that is what you want then go for it... Some men are looking for a "traditional" woman to "look after" and are perfectly willing to provide. Seems to me that some men want the traditional dynamic, but they get hung up on the "provider" bit. They want the benefits but with a woman who pays her own way and costs them nothing... Unfortunately some men are just looking for a "slave" to control and bully basically, under the guise of "traditional"... Be very aware. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 In the US, marriage bars were lifted under the Civil Rights Act 1964. Yea, 1960's, 1st wave feminism. It is the 2nd and 3rd wave that were really toxic. Even when you hear women talk about liking feminism and you listen to what they describe,...they describe the benefits of 1st wave feminism just as BluEyeL did. It had not been hijacked by Marxism by then. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 (edited) But l don't know any man even remotely interested in being a bully or having a slave myself , and l couldn't even imagine what suppose to be so great about being the sole bread winner ,met a few women wouldn't mind a slave though. Anyway , everyone's different, all couples, people, they have their thing , l couldn't care less what anyone does or chooses. Edited September 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 (edited) Just keep dating guys, and follow the old fashioned rules. Don't ask men out and only go out with men who ask you out. Don't see men again if they don't offer to pay at dates 1,2, and 3 Don't put out right away This is good advice only if you live in the US. In Sweden she can hint and play game all she wants men won't catch on. Lorenza if it's the type of relationship you want than you need to explain it clearly in your profile the same way you've explained it to us. You could also date foreigners with similar views on relationships as you. Also, I don't know why you call it 'old fashion'. Staying home while your children are pre-school age isn't old fashion, it's a family / financial decision. You also talk about going to work so what is old fashion about that? You want to work part time? You earn a low income? That's not 'old fashion', that's life. There are people making big salaries and others that don't. That being said, I have a feeling it's more about having a man financially supporting you than 'old fashion' an in return you'll maintain his house. Don't kid yourself, if you don't provide to the mortgage your name won't be on it and you'll end up old with no assets having a lot of experience in cleaning and cooking which won't help you much. Sure Eastern Europe men are traditional...they are also known for leaving their wives and kids with nothing, known for liking alcohol a little too much and not gonna give you their domestic violence statistics. Maybe that's what you've known growing up, doesn't mean it's a pattern you should follow as a grown up. Edited September 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted September 12, 2019 Author Share Posted September 12, 2019 @Gaeta I probably call it old-fashioned because that's the way people call it here. I don't think I will earn low salary, as I'm gonna be a financial manager. I'm doing a paid internship as financial assistant right now and even now it's not bad money for the time I spend there. I'm already saving up for an apartment, so sure, I would want my name on the mortgage. Wouldn't have it any other way. I want to be safe. So maybe its not so old-fashioned in that sense. It's more about a man's attitude to me. I just seen so many emasculated men here that I want someone who is in touch with his masculine side and allows me to be feminine without being afraid to hurt my ego by proving help or making nice gestures. I don't know why you talk like that about Eastern European men. In working class or villages maybe yes, but not among educated people in big cities. I'm not from a slavic country also. I don't personally know any people who abuse their spouses, have alcohol problems (except some occasional relatives, but they live in a village) or leave them without anything. My dad left the apartment and their savings for my mom and never lifted a finger against her, or even yelled. And I don't know why I would have a chance to end up with an abusive alcoholic if that's absolute not my circle of people. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 There is no "circle" where abuse of alcohol or domestic violence is not an issue. It doesn't work like that. The positive correlation between socioeconomic status and alcohol consumption extends beyond the UK. Results from a comparative international study on alcohol consumption levels and social inequalities showed that for both genders and all countries higher individual socioeconomic status was positively associated with drinking status; in other words, the higher income earned by an individual, the more alcohol s/he consumed The fact is domestic abuse is not exclusive to a particular socio-economic group. Nor is it the preserve of a particular postcode, race or sexual orientation. It knows no boundary, occurring just as often behind net curtains, in country farmhouses and inside luxury cars, as anywhere else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted September 12, 2019 Author Share Posted September 12, 2019 There is no "circle" where abuse of alcohol or domestic violence is not an issue. It doesn't work like that. You lessen your chances to get together with someone abusive if you hang out with educated sensible people from good families rather than the ones who seen that kind of life themselves. Being an alcoholic and abusive isn't somehow more characteristic to an Eastern european man, not more than an american, unless they are from those circles themselves. Of course, **** happens nobody is safe from that, but eastern Europe isn't some kind of center of that, not among young people who live well Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 You lessen your chances to get together with someone abusive if you hang out with educated sensible people from good families rather than the ones who seen that kind of life themselves. You are mistaken about abuse. Education has nothing to do with it. Elaine is right... domestic abuse is not exclusive to a particular socio-economic group including people who are educated. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted September 12, 2019 Author Share Posted September 12, 2019 You are mistaken about abuse. Education has nothing to do with it. Elaine is right... domestic abuse is not exclusive to a particular socio-economic group including people who are educated. Oh and its exclusive to a certain nation? Alcoholism and abuse isn't exclusive to one group, but it is prospering mostly among the people in the villages in balto-slavic countries that's not my target areas for finding a husband. Where there's more substance abuse, there's also more physical violence, I can find you some statistics. I'm not that naive to think there are no alcoholics and abusers among educated people, but there's certainly less. Alcoholism is wide spread where there's lack of employment and the poverty is high. That's a social problem, not a trait of nationality. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted September 12, 2019 Author Share Posted September 12, 2019 Found some official research on village vs cities alcohol consumption. It's almost the double in the villages. Also alcoholism is the highest in age groups above 45, also not my target age. Its most common among the unemployed. Where there is alcohol, there's more domestic violence, obviously. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 (edited) Lorenza I didn't mean to offend you. Lets come back to the subject of your thread. Marrying an older more traditional man doesn't always come with pros, it often comes with difficulties. It's not all dandy. If you intent to work and financially participate to the household then lets not call it 'traditional', I think you want a man that is capable of romance, right? I am sure Norway men have a bit of romance in them. I also doubt they are completely deprived of protectiveness. I doubt if a burglar comes in at night your Norway boyfriend will hand you the baseball bat and ask you to go check the door, right? Edited September 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 (edited) This is good advice only if you live in the US. In Sweden she can hint and play game all she wants men won't catch on...... I resent the "game playing" implication. I don't believe that in any place in Europe you have to meet someone (presumably online) and make big announcements and come with some list. Things come up in conversation. Lorenza asked "how can I tell them I want this without being judged". The answer is, you don't "tell them" like a big announcement thing. You eventually do, but not in a "certain way", you just talk, listen, get to know them, and in a rather short period of time everyone's values are being revealed. Key to finding the man you match with is in not staying with men you do not match with. Once you find out they have ideas incompatible with yours, you move on. Edited September 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 I'm confused. You want to be a modern woman in a good career, earning your own money, providing for yourself but you want somebody to take care of you? You already have somebody taking care of you -- You! I think you really want somebody to cherish you & appreciate you. I'm not sure you want truly old fashioned where you stay home, run the house care for the children & have to beg for grocery money. In various other posts you previously said you don't want to date a guy from back home because they are too boring & uninteresting, you prefer the guys where you are now. But now you are saying you want a guy from where you are now, to treat you the way the guys back home do. Sounds like a tall order unless there is a enclave of "your people" somewhere near where you are now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 (edited) I.....Key to finding the man you match with is in not staying with men you do not match with. Once you find out they have ideas incompatible with yours, you move on. Have you done online dating? I have for many years. It's simple. In your profile you simply say you're a traditional kind of girl and wish to meet a man with more traditional values.....done! nothing more. It's imperative to be honest in your profile to attract the right type of man. Your way is 'indirect', she'll waste an obscene amount of time waiting for them to 'reveal' themselves. There is nothing to announce, she is not carrying an STD, she simply wants a certain type of man. Edited September 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted September 12, 2019 Author Share Posted September 12, 2019 (edited) ....In various other posts you previously said you don't want to date a guy from back home because they are too boring & uninteresting, you prefer the guys where you are now. But now you are saying you want a guy from where you are now, to treat you the way the guys back home do. Sounds like a tall order unless there is a enclave of "your people" somewhere near where you are now. I was always crapping on Swedish men haha, so I don't think I was ever saying I like the local men. There's a whole thread of me whining about it, haha (and I guess this is the second one). But I think I was also critical about guys from my home coutry, which isn't fair actually. I see that I was too quick to write them down. All the relationships I look up to are either my countrymen or slavic people. Yes you guys are right, it's not really that old-fashioned, I just want a romantic man, who's manly, generous, protective, wants to get married and have a family, doesn't count every penny he spends on me etc. It's so hard to find here. I took a walk with a guy on Saturday, the weather turned and it got windy and chilly, I was only wearing a tshirt and said I was getting cold. He had a sweater on, and of course it didn't even cross his mind to suggest it. So I said it myself, jokingly "maybe your sweater would warm me up" and he was like "haha, but then I will get cold! Let's get inside somewhere instead". I said it would be great with some warm tea. Then we went inside a nearby café and guess what, he didn't offer me some tea either. Just went in and ordered his own drink, then awkwardly waited by the counter while I was ordering mine. We talked a bit more and I said I will be on my way. When I was on the subway, I got a text from him "thank you for a lovely day, I'd gladly meet again when you have some free time". So he's interested in a woman but can't show aaaany kind of romantic gesture whatsoever. Not very promising start? Another time I went out with someone who took me out for rollerskating and 50's style dining, because I was going on an on about how i'd like to go there. We paid for ourselves and after that he wanted to go get some beer. I said I don't I can afford buying anything more tonight, and he was like "oh ok" and just got himself a beer while I sat there empty handed. We also did a hike together. I brought snacks for both, while he only made for himself. Sooo lovely. And of course he wanted to keep seeing me. And I can go on and on with examples like that from my dates haha. Recently talked to a guy online and somehow he came to a topic of marriage being an oppresive institution. And how he is fine with being called a rapist by default because women have it so much worse. In general I think I'd like to move back home. It's not an ideal place, but at least I can understand how people think. Edited September 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted September 12, 2019 Author Share Posted September 12, 2019 (edited) Have you done online dating? .... I had that in my profile before. But then I attracted some weird right-wing supporters who were voting for the most hated party here in Sweden and were against the Pride parade etc. I'm not against the LGBTQ people at all, and don't like extreme sides of politics so they weren't good matches either. I'm thinking maybe to try some catholic dating sites where I wouldn't even need to proclaim the traditional values. I'm not overly religious, but Catholic traditions are close to my heart Edited September 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 95% of the men I've dated from age 16 to 43 have been traditional. I've never asked a man out, the man always pays, always drives and does the man stuff, always offers to support me and alleviate the need for me to work once we're married or even before if I'd prefer it. They offer, and I respond to this kind of man over others because it's what feels natural to me. I'm naturally nurturing and feminine, happily do the woman stuff. A sweet, fun memory from my last relationship was him out doing a little yard work in the morning while I was inside cooking us a big country breakfast. In almost all cases, they grew up in a household that worked like this and they want something similar. The same is true for me. I think you can still find men like this at any age. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 I never stated anything about being traditional on my dating profile, just talked in a normal way about my interests and likes. However, my pictures were definitely more "traditional" than the average woman's. When I eventually looked at a few other women's profiles, I was kind of shocked to see that many of them posted very revealing photos that I would never post online. (Instagram ho style, basically.) My photos were conservative in comparison, typically me wearing a dress that was cute and gave a good idea of my figure, but fairly demure, not baring skin. Though you'll always get some knuckle-dragging creeps on dating sites, I think demure photos send them a message that sexual come-ons won't work on you. And they're very appealing to men who prefer women with some restraint who haven't slept with half the city. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted September 12, 2019 Author Share Posted September 12, 2019 (edited) @Ruby Slippers.... Never had any revealing pictures on my profiles, and I dress in a vintage inspired style haha! Classy and demure, but not looking like an old maid. I get plenty of compliments with showing the most minimal amout of skin (well except some legs) and barely any creeps, so it surely works filtering them out. I don't think of women who post revealing pictures as hoes though, but I think they do get more creeps for sure Edited September 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 On dressing like a ho versus being a ho, Dave Chapelle said it best Link to post Share on other sites
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