Is 33 too old to find success in dating?

[Redguitar35]

All the women I encounter in real life are in relationships or not interested. Same with online dating, except most women online seem to be in open relationships. I’ve got my search parameters set to 20-38. I’m having no luck whatsoever. Could it be that I am already past the age where people would consider me relationship material? Do I just have the bad luck of missing the train and not finding someone when I was younger?

[dramallama]

I've just started dating a 34 year old who is looking for a serious relationship so no, you're not too old. I am however one of those awful single mums you won't touch with a barge pole ;-)

 

 

If you've never had a serious relationship that would raise a few flags, but otherwise I'd say you're in the prime age range for women looking for marriage and children.

[Calmandfocused]

Goodness me! No way!

 

You’re a prime settling down/ serious relationship age. I’d expect you’d be appealing to the late 20s age range who may be also be looking for a LTR.

 

I note from the above poster that you don’t date single mums. In which case a lot of mid to late 30s women will not be a match for you. Same applies to early 20s females. They are too young for you as they are not at your stage of life.

 

Change your settings. You’ll then probably have more success at finding what you’re looking for.

[scooby-philly]

Could it be that I am already past the age where people would consider me relationship material? Do I just have the bad luck of missing the train and not finding someone when I was younger?

 

God I hope you're not "past it". I just turned 38 this summer and just ended a close to two year relationship because I wasn't paying attention to the signs that she (a bit younger than me) wasn't really looking/thinking of me for the long term.

 

Everyone has a unique story. As long as you are trying, as long as you work on yourself and as long as you know what you want it's not too late! Just keep in mind Redguitar35's tongue-in-cheek comment. A lot of women are already dating or married by 33. So that mean you either need to look at bit younger - say 28 - up to 38 - but also keep in mind a lot of women - maybe the one for you - will have a "past" just as you do.

 

You need to think about the big bucket items - kids, relationship with family, communication style, finances, sexuality, etc. and determine what are your non-negotiable items in each category and where you have flexibility/openness. For example, do you want kids? If so, are you okay with a potential partner having them already as long as she wants more? If you do want kids - how many? What happens if she already has 2 and you only want 2? Are you flexible and is she okay with having 3? If she has kids already - what sort of relationship with her ex are you okay with? If you don't want kids of your own, is it okay if she already has one or more? Or is there a line in the sand where you say 1 or 2 is fine, 4 or 5 is too much?

 

Or if you don't want kids at all - would you be willing to be with someone who had 1 or 2 if everything else was perfect - she's mature, responsible, communicates like an adult, is open, honest, transparent, the sex is to your satisfaction, she's financially compatible with you, lifestyle compatible with how you want to live...etc.

Edited September 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

When we met, I was 39 & my husband was 35.

 

OLD is but one search tool. It should not be your only search tool. You need to add real life activities into the mix if you hope to find somebody

[SumGuy]

I'd agree early 30s is a prime age for marriage and children seeking.

 

 

Attractive 30 year old women who want no part of marriage and kids, just fun, likely have a wide range of options...so you'd have to really bring it and they may not be part of OLD dating at all; instead part of the good times crowd replete with men with more money than obligations (think boat/yacht parties their in Tampa, jumping on a plane for a weekend in the Bahamas or Aspen). If your a musician though, if you play those boat parties you could well be able to hook up with late 20 year olds (I say this as have a friend in his late 40s who does such gigs and they throw themselves at him...he usually resists, he's looking for LTR)

 

 

If you are not seeking marriage and kids then could be tough as you are "old" for the let's just have fun 20 something's and maybe too young for the women who are no longer single moms and just looking for fun, unless you are very hot and you don't look like a potential burden.

 

 

If you are looking for marriage / kids focus on the pay sites where that is their thing and you are going to have to be and look like good marriage / kids material.

[normal person]

33 is a prime age to meet someone as man. You're still young and healthy, but have the respect and career success to distinguish you from the younger guys. Assuming you haven't made any missteps, plenty of women 25+ will be very, very interested.

 

All the women I encounter in real life are in relationships or not interested.

 

Where and how are you "encountering" them?

 

Same with online dating, except most women online seem to be in open relationships.

 

"Most" are in open relationships? Where do you live? That seems like a mistake, even in the most sexually liberal areas. I would read the profiles a little more carefully.

 

I’ve got my search parameters set to 20-38. I’m having no luck whatsoever. Could it be that I am already past the age where people would consider me relationship material? Do I just have the bad luck of missing the train and not finding someone when I was younger?

 

No, you might never have it as good as you have it in your early 30s, other than maybe college. You'll have the widest age range of desirable women interested in you, the resources to enjoy their company on a high level (vacations, dinner, etc) without the limitations of being "too old" or not having the income yet. You're golden.

 

So where and how do you meet these girls, what happens, what aps are you using, how're you using them, what happens on them, etc? You need to be more specific for someone to help you.

[Redguitar35]

When we met, I was 39 & my husband was 35.

 

OLD is but one search tool. It should not be your only search tool. You need to add real life activities into the mix if you hope to find somebody

 

I went to meetups and classes and yoga for years and never got anything going with a woman there who was single and interested in me. They were all taken or not interested. It was very inefficient and ineffective. Without online dating I’d probably still be a virgin to be honest with you. I also work long hours and don’t have the time and energy to go to a bunch of event in hopes of maybe meeting a girl who is single. I haven’t had success turning online into relationships though.

[Redguitar35]

33 is a prime age to meet someone as man. You're still young and healthy, but have the respect and career success to distinguish you from the younger guys. Assuming you haven't made any missteps, plenty of women 25+ will be very, very interested. Where and how are you "encountering" them?

Exclusively online. I work too many hours and don’t have a large friendship circle to full from.

"Most" are in open relationships? Where do you live? That seems like a mistake, even in the most sexually liberal areas. I would read the profiles a little more carefully.

The Midwest, and yes a large percentage of them are in open relationships. It’s ridiculous. I’ll never get a woman all to myself.

So where and how do you meet these girls, what happens, what aps are you using, how're you using them, what happens on them, etc? You need to be more specific for someone to help you.

I meet them online, we plan a meetup for drinks but the vast majority cancel at the last minute. The rare occasions I do get a date it doesn’t lead to a second date.

Edited September 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[scooby-philly]

I went to meetups and classes and yoga for years and never got anything going with a woman there who was single and interested in me. They were all taken or not interested. It was very inefficient and ineffective. Without online dating I’d probably still be a virgin to be honest with you. I also work long hours and don’t have the time and energy to go to a bunch of event in hopes of maybe meeting a girl who is single. I haven’t had success turning online into relationships though.

 

OP,

 

You have to prioritize yourself. There's nothing with working hard. But at the end of your life, you're not going to regret spending time with family, friends, your spouse, making memories, etc., - you'll regret spending countless hours at work if you weren't doing it for a reason - supporting a family, building a career (meaning you spent hours learning new things, stretching yourself, etc. - not just doing the same things for hours on end b/c the company demanded/expected/took you for granted and didn't hire someone else to help)

 

I was not in the dating scene till I close to 30 and I have been in 3 ltrs in the past 9 years - and while some may look at me as not worth it or question my worth and while I may regret staying in those relationships longer than i should have, I cannot change what happened and the choices I made. I can only change how i approach things moving forward and not give up.

 

This is just a question....not meant to imply anything, especially if it's not true - but are you either "Trying too hard" or "trying wrong"? Or is your life setup in such a way that you don't create the necessary vibes in the universe to let people know you're eligible, looking, and a fantastic catch? By the first question, I mean some guys (not saying you ) try way too hard - they emit icky/weird vibes b/c they lack certain social skills. (Again no offense to you). Or maybe you're trying too wrong - meaning you haven't taken the time to really learn about you - let yourself shine, build your own life (including those real life activities you enjoy doing w/o the purposes of meeting someone). People are attracted to those who make themselves attractive. And it's about personality, character, and "scent" (not smell, but that certain undefinable thing that people can have or not have).

 

Or...maybe you have the right skills and you're only trying a little wrong but maybe your life isn't setup the right way. What I mean by that is - kinda along the lines of the working too much - people can makes choices and also have circumstances setup that block them from meeting people - friends or romantic partners. You said you work too much and are too tired to go to activities....do you work odd hours and/or weekends? That might make it hard to meet a lot of people if you're off or sleeping when others are working and vice versa. What's your group of friends like? Your family? I know for me, as I've made mistakes and matured with dating - I realize that my family is spread apart and my parents have never been social - so I've never had close relationships with my siblings or extended family to the point where people could throw me possible dates or let people they know about me - nor did my parents have friends that could do the same for me. So I've had to make friends (especially when I cut off my childhood friends around 32/33 when I realized that 10-15 yeard of friendship and the relationships meant 1,000x more to me then it did them) on my own. Now that I'm single again and I've learned that my biggest mistake is jumping in too much too early I know I need to keep playing the field (I don't mean that in an icky, sleep with as many woman as possible way) and to use my brain and also share with friends/family more early on so I don't get stuck in another relationship that wasn't meant to last. And back to you - maybe there's something about the way your life is organized that blocks you from getting those universe vibes out loud and clear enough! But that's for you to think about.

 

The best thing to do isn't to put all of your eggs in one basket - keep trying in real life, keep OLD, and also not put your eggs in one basket for help - seek out advice from friends/family members and places like this site, a professional expert, if you need "help" - from a license counselor (again not judging ) where people with different opinions and experiences of you can provide their viewpoint and when that advice aligns, boom - those are the insights to really act on.

 

Most importantly though - don't give up.

[MeadowFlower]

Goodness me! No way!

 

You’re a prime settling down/ serious relationship age.

 

What about for females who are their early 30s?

[Redguitar35]

OP, You have to prioritize yourself. There's nothing with working hard. But at the end of your life, you're not going to regret spending time with family, friends, your spouse, making memories, etc., - you'll regret spending countless hours at work if you weren't doing it for a reason - supporting a family, building a career (meaning you spent hours learning new things, stretching yourself, etc. - not just doing the same things for hours on end b/c the company demanded/expected/took you for granted and didn't hire someone else to help)

 

Perhaps. I work 8 hours a day, commute 2 hours, come home and fall asleep because I’m exhausted. . Weekends I read or watch tv then go to bed. Don’t have any friends I hang out with regularly. That’s my life.

Edited September 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[scooby-philly]

Well,

 

2 hours both ways or 1 hour each way?

 

And it sounds like you have more introverted interests - and that's totally fine. I'm not a socialite myself, but I do enjoy some specific activities. I would say keep seeking advice from people who know you irl - they can help detect patterns in what you do or say that you can't pick up on or that your conscious mind ignores - commit to keep on doing OLD - maybe try a new site (the paid ones tend to be a lot better for ltrs then the free ones) and commit to one activity that gets you out of the house and around other people 1-4 times a month.

 

I'm sure people here will also give you great advice - but remember, advice is based on perspective and unless you want to write the next version of war and peace on here to give enough context for your life - advice will from us will have its limitations.

Edited September 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

No, 33 is most certainly not too old to find a partner. Not by a long shot.

 

I was 34 and my man was 48 when we met and started dating. Still going strong nearly 5 years later.

[Ruby Slippers]

It's not your age. I think the modern man's prime is mid-30s to mid-40s.

 

I think dating is harder for all age groups these days, as most people are looking for short-term gratification - hence more single people of all ages living alone in the West than at any time in history.

 

I think you're likely to have better success as you get older and the women a bit younger than you are starting to think more about settling down. Decent men for dating and relationships over 40 are unicorns.

[justwhoiam]

All the women I encounter in real life are in relationships or not interested.

Are you including the woman you've just met up for drinks? And you said you'd be arranging a new date with her? You said in your other thread you had a pleasant time with her, so I don't think she was uninterested? Or you have reasons to think that?

 

I’ve got my search parameters set to 20-38.

Many of us already told you that trying to date 18-20 year-old girls is a bad idea. You're setting yourself up for failure. There are girls in that age range out there who would date you, but you'd very likely end up "wasting" your time as you like saying. Because you have different goals. Most 20 year-old girls will still be attending school. You want a steady relationship and ready to start a family.

 

I’m having no luck whatsoever.

By this statement, I understand you didn't like the woman you've just met.

 

Could it be that I am already past the age where people would consider me relationship material?

To be straightforwardly frank, I think you're both picky and lazy, and that combo is like kryptonite for most women. To pursue a woman, you should be motivated. And your lack of energy is a huge turn off.

 

I wrote a long post in your other thread which you completely ignored. It's fine. It says a lot about the way you are.

 

Do I just have the bad luck of missing the train and not finding someone when I was younger?

Well, the more you age, the more your pool of partners will get narrower.

 

I went to meetups and classes and yoga for years and never got anything going with a woman there who was single and interested in me.

There was a case a while ago of a man trying to date at the local gym... where he asked pretty any breathing woman to go out with him. It doesn't take a genius to understand that when you come across like that, rejections are going to flock like snow in Quebec during winter.

 

Hey you guys, one of our regulars is trying for a nice Filipino lady overseas,... that could be an option for you.

She would have to go back & see her family now and then, he'd have to put in the money for that, and also, digest the overseas trips, learning the basics of her language, and keep up with her traditions. Do you really think he can be up to it? He can't go past 40 miles when he looks for girls online.............. Edited September 11, 2019 by justwhoiam

[Gretchen12]

Perhaps. I work 8 hours a day, commute 2 hours, come home and fall asleep because I’m exhausted. . Weekends I read or watch tv then go to bed. Don’t have any friends I hang out with regularly. That’s my life.

 

Cultivate friendship before you get the woman. You will have a more successful relationship if you have friends. You don't need many, just a few good ones.

[Foxhall]

Perhaps. I work 8 hours a day, commute 2 hours, come home and fall asleep because I’m exhausted. . Weekends I read or watch tv then go to bed. Don’t have any friends I hang out with regularly. That’s my life.

 

 

At times people can over complicate the solution to the problem,

 

you clearly outline your problem above,

 

this lifestyle is not good for you mentally,

 

you need play time as well as work time,

 

I understand being an introvert preferring to shut yourself away and do your own thing,

but I also believe we are all better for having some degree of social interaction in our lives,

make an effort join some meet up group, have an outing to go to on a Saturday, you can always keep the Sunday for yourself,

you will find more friends and a girlfriend once you push yourself out of the comfort zone,

 

as another poster says "what we like least can do us the most good" but the thing is becoming more socially active, you will feel better for it.

[scooby-philly]

At times people can over complicate the solution to the problem,

 

you clearly outline your problem above,

 

this lifestyle is not good for you mentally,

 

you need play time as well as work time,

 

I understand being an introvert preferring to shut yourself away and do your own thing,

but I also believe we are all better for having some degree of social interaction in our lives,

make an effort join some meet up group, have an outing to go to on a Saturday, you can always keep the Sunday for yourself,

you will find more friends and a girlfriend once you push yourself out of the comfort zone,

 

as another poster says "what we like least can do us the most good" but the thing is becoming more socially active, you will feel better for it.

 

Agree...to a point. Most people if 0 is extreme introversion and 10 extreme extroversion, aren't a 0 or 1. So there is something to be said about getting out there and also - good idea from this person - to finding a balance - give yourself the time you need, but don't let it become too extreme. But also - spend that down time, commute time (just pay attention to the road if you're driving), etc. - thinking. What things drain you. Perhaps you love your job/career but the company you work for sucks? If that's the case (just as an example) - can you find the same job somewhere else. If not - or if you have justifiable reasons for staying (though you're single...any kids....) (maybe you make a good income - perhaps "too good" for what you do if you were to switch companies) can you reframe things to make the job more palatable. Just an example again - but the point is to find the things that drain you, find the things that charge you quickly/deeply - maximize time on the one, minimize time on the other, reframe, and not saying change who you are - but you may find more energy then to stay active a bit (even walking by yourself) - which gives you more energy overall, which makes you feel better, which attracts more people, which makes social interaction more fun, which makes you more energized, which will lead to better dating outcomes!

 

See what I did there?....wink wink nudge nudge

 

But seriously - I personally know it can be tough for guys - if you weren't the athlete, the hot guy, and didn't have a ton of dating experience or options - or as I pointed out in this or another thread today - your life wasn't setup in a way to give you a lot of supporters/champions - then it can be a bit overwhelming to do a lot on your own. 33 isn't the end. May not be the beginning, but it's not the end.

[chillii]

All the women I encounter in real life are in relationships or not interested. Same with online dating, except most women online seem to be in open relationships. I’ve got my search parameters set to 20-38. I’m having no luck whatsoever. Could it be that I am already past the age where people would consider me relationship material? Do I just have the bad luck of missing the train and not finding someone when I was younger?

 

 

 

 

Oh brother , not even close , l got 20yrs on you and married 20yrs, yet there were as many to choose from as back in my 20s . Mind you, still in good shape not crazy or bogged down with crap was another story but,,, they're around.

None the less, granted it could be an awkward age for you though maybe because that is the period where the good ones are getting married and into family. Where as when l found myself back out there, they'd gone full circle and were divorced , god how depressing does that sound , the sad reality though.

Edited September 12, 2019 by chillii

[basil67]

Cultivate friendship before you get the woman. You will have a more successful relationship if you have friends. You don't need many, just a few good ones.

 

This^^

 

Time and time again, when posters can't find a date I ask them about their social life. Turns out they have none. Thing is, if one can't manage a friendship, dating is out of the question.

[Redguitar35]

This^^

 

Time and time again, when posters can't find a date I ask them about their social life. Turns out they have none. Thing is, if one can't manage a friendship, dating is out of the question.

 

That’s easier said than done at my age and with my work schedule. I leave home at 8 and don’t get home until 7 each night. The time getting ready for work, commuting to work, working and then commuting back from work, I’m probably devoting 11 hours a day to work. I have no energy for going out when I get home.

[clia]

That’s easier said than done at my age and with my work schedule. I leave home at 8 and don’t get home until 7 each night. The time getting ready for work, commuting to work, working and then commuting back from work, I’m probably devoting 11 hours a day to work. I have no energy for going out when I get home.

 

Your work schedule isn't really that abnormal or excessively long. You aren't that old -- you really should be able to muster up the energy to do something one or two days a week after work for 2-3 hours. I concur with Gretchen and basil that making more friends would probably help you a lot. Try finding a sports league of some kind (e.g., bowling, volleyball, golf, basketball, etc.), or a meetup dinner or other social group you can attend regularly, or some other type of activity that you enjoy and can do once or twice a week.

[chillii]

Yeah must admit. Back in the day , no date sites then , you could not beat friends and parties for meeting people.

So after marriage l didn't know wth to do at first, hardly any friends and no one was partying anymore.

So l decided to walk my dog more . met quite a few women walking the mut, enjoyed it too.

later l joined my first date site , yikes.

[Foxhall]

This^^

 

Time and time again, when posters can't find a date I ask them about their social life. Turns out they have none. Thing is, if one can't manage a friendship, dating is out of the question.

 

 

Yes this is an interesting one, I actually have found it is easier find girlfriends than make new friendships in the last couple of years,

 

I agree if you do have a steady circle of regular friends though-it makes finding partners easier,

 

as to "dating being out of the question without friends" that might be too negative a way to look at it, one has to fight their corner too, to hell with friends so to speak, person has to still battle to get out there find what they want and not sit at home brooding about having no friends.

 

I find it amusing, here there has been a few threads from women worried when the new boyfriend seemingly has no friends and they are wondering is that a red flag and all that jazz.

 

overall though I feel if a person looks hard enough makes an effort to join things and so on they should have no problem making new friends or partners.