Mitra1981 Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 1.5, and did not live together on a continual basis (he was away a lot for work for a few years) so now that we are together all of the time, I have noticed he is always effing complaining. You name it, he takes issue with it. It would not be so bad if he were able to moderate his tone, but he goes from calm to drawers in a twist in seconds and there's no sliding scale. He gets just as twisted about in what order my child (not his) eats her food off her plate as he does serious issues. It's so constant that I've started tuning him out without realizing it until he waits for a response and I realize I heard nothing he said. I have told him that he needs to mind his tone and pick his battles, but he does not believe that he's using an aggressive tone. And always acts as if he didn't just raise his voice and claims he was just simply making a statement. He has high and impossible expectations for the world around him that no one could ever meet and it drives me nuts. It causes me to shut down and not want to interact with him. This week alone he's bitched daily about the cold water taps not being cold enough even though I explained to him that it's probably due to the heat wave. He griped and griped until finally I contacted our neighbors to see if they were having problems and sure enough, 1) they were and 2) as it got cooler out, so did the damned water. His complaining makes me feel like it's my fault that there's a problem and therefore it's my job to fix it. His favorite pastime is pointing out flaws which really makes me question why he ever decided on me. And vice versa if I'm honest. Has anyone else dealt with someone like this and have any advice? I can't go the rest of my life living with the kind of negativity he oozes. Thanks in advance. -M Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 Sounds like you guys could use some MC to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mitra1981 Posted September 11, 2019 Author Share Posted September 11, 2019 MC to me is a last resort. Both of us are communicative, but he refuses to acknowledge that his constant disdain for the world around him is a beating for the rest of. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 Both of us are communicative Well, based on results, I guess neither of you are as communicative as you perceive yourself to be . Mitra1981, communication isn't just said, it has to also be heard. Just as you've admitted you're tuning him out, I'd guess he's returning the favor. As Mark suggested, MC teaches you ways to speak clearly and actively listen, hopefully addressing some of the issues you're experiencing as a couple. Seems a low risk, high reward way forward... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 I can't go the rest of my life living with the kind of negativity he oozes. -M Is there any way to interject some humor into his complaining? Not everyone can do this but I find making fun of things can be just as much a release as actually getting angry and I gain a different perspective. It will only work if you can include him in the joke. Link to post Share on other sites
HusbandFather77 Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 I'm dealing with the same thing (as well as other things) with my wife. There isn't much you can do if he is in a state of denial about his behavior. You can't fix something you dont acknowledge (a Dr. Phil quote). I can tell you that my wife thinks it's all me and we just can't get through to each other. That is why there is so much frustration is because I talk to her and it doesn't sink in. I try to be very logical and I check myself to make sure I'm being realistic, reasonable, and logical before I try to talk to her. Unfortunately it still isn't working and we are going to marriage counseling at the end of the month. I dont expect her to change but it's the only hope in saving the marriage. Its terrible to have to live with such a negative person. I know I personally dread when she comes home and I have to deal with her. My therapist says "take care of you". I went and stayed with mom for three days just to get a break and clear my head. I am now back and she is still trying to complain about a stupid insurance policy but for now I'm just brushing it off. If things heat up again I will leave again to preserve my sanity. Do you have any support system to reach out to that you could take a break for a couple of days? I know this really helped me even though it didn't change my wife. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 (edited) MC to me is a last resort. Both of us are communicative, but he refuses to acknowledge that his constant disdain for the world around him is a beating for the rest of. That's why you have MC - because one or the other is refusing to acknowledge the other person's views. A third person there and mediating can be helpful. Oh and you shouldn't have to put up with endless criticism. If he is constantly complaining, it sounds like he is very unhappy with something - not necessarily you. Have you tried talking to him about why he feels so unhappy with the way life is at the moment (instead of focusing on the little things he is focusing on)? Edited September 11, 2019 by spiderowl Link to post Share on other sites
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