I am struggling with the unfairness

[MEMPHISBLUES]

this is my first post so please forgive any abbreviation that isnt correct. I have been the ow for 2 years ou tof a 3 1/2 year relationship. When we first met he was separated and was dating different people besides me but I guess I just made the cut so to speak and we dated for about a year. dont know if this matters but we are both 42. Actually we are only 5 days apart.

 

He had a heart attack and when that happened he and his wife ended up deciding to work things out. We kept in touch and I would still go see him at work and we would spend time together there. The last 2 years we have grown closer and closer. I knew he was never going to leave his wife and I never asked him to. He loves his wife and daughter but I always thought that he couldnt love her that much if he was doing this to her. I am a single mom and I guess in a way I used him as much as he used me. As we got closer he started coming over more and I would go to the station more to see him. (being a fireman the way their shifts are its easy to do that). It wasnt just sex, it was having fun and goofing off and and I grew to love him.

 

Now Im 100% in love with him and he says he cares for me. When he tried to break it off I wouldnt let him go without a fight. I know he is trying to do right by his family but I have turned into a crazy person. He has been more than patient with me but I cant seem to let go. He called me the other day and we talked for 4 hours and he said he led me on and he admitted he knew it was his fault. I know he cares or he wouldnt keep letting me go crazy on him day after day because Im so hurt.

 

I just get so angry that he tells me how he feels and how he misses me and cares for me but then goes home and its like i dont even exist. I just cant get seem to get past the anger that he goes home where all his needs are fulfilled and Im the one left alone and left empty. I would never consider telling om him because it wouldnt be out of concern for her but hate for him. His family is innocent in all of this and I dont want to hurt them just to get back at him. They have no idea about this. I jusT start thinking about them being together and happy (like they should be) while im miserable (like I deserve to be) and it sends me into a ttailspin knowing that he has no consequenses for his actions.

 

he came he played and he left. Im the only one taking the loss. I done have the money or the time to go out and meet someone else. plus it wouldnt be fair to date anyone else right now because my heart woulnt be in it.

 

How do I let go of this anger and bitterness? He told me yesterday that he came by the house to suprise me but I wasnt home. I put him through hell this weekend emailing him the meanest things i could think of and he still came by to say hello? why would he even do that? Im so confused. Im not normally crazy like this but when i start getting mad and jealous over this it takes me hours to come back to reality..

Edited September 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

Welcome. I’m sorry that you are having a difficult time. Have you tried counselling?

 

It seems to me that there is a significant shift you need to make in your thinking. Less focus on him and understanding that you have responsibility for your own decision to start a relationship/stay involved with a married man. Further, accepting the fact that he has chosen to stay with his family and can not be the source of your happiness.

 

If he has tried to end the relationship, you will need to find a way let him go. The histrionics may work for a while, but he will eventually get tired of it and start to see you as a rather unstable woman - from whom he really wants to distance himself.

 

Time to find a good counsellor if you haven’t already and develop a strategy to deal with your emotions, rather than holding onto a man who unfortunately does not want a relationship with you anymore and taking your anger out on him in inappropriate ways... good luck.

[pepperbird]

op,

I have a suggestion for you. It might sound strange at first, but please give it some consideration.

 

There is a tone of "victim" in your posts, and that line of thinking will just get you bogged down. The affair didn't happen to you, you fed, watered and tended it well. The good news is that, since you helped to bring it about,you have just as much power to end it and find the life you really want. I have a feeling you're not his first dalliance, and you likely won't be the last. you can, however, be the smartest and get as far away from him as you can before you're hurt all over again.

 

 

 

take back your power.

[gettinoverit]

OP, making yourself the victim of all this renders you helpless. You are not helpless, at the mercy of his whims.

 

With the greatest of love and respect - you have been played. And I think you know it, and it's killing you. I get it. A lot of us do! But facing that reality is your first step. Your next is then DOING something about it.

 

With every reach out you make to him you are losing your dignity and your self respect. At the very least, hang on to those. They are all you have left now. You are not going to get what you want here. He is not leaving. He is a player and I concur again with PB that you are not the first, nor I doubt will you be the last. The most self-loving thing you can do right now is get well away from him, as far as possible, block him on everything, and do not let him push open the door back into your life. You owe yourself that.

 

So much easier said than done I know. It's hard.You may not be at that point yet. You'll know when you hit it, but try and get to it as quickly as you can because it's your only way out.

 

Be angry. That's healthy. Anger brings change. But direct all that energy back into looking at where you went wrong, how you got into this, and what you can do to make sure you don't put yourself through this again. I'm sorry, but I think the only reason he is being so kind to you is he is placating you because he's s****-scared you are going to blow up his world. Yes, you say you'll never do that. But hell hath no fury etc as far as he knows.

 

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I'm sure like everyone else here you are a good person who found yourself sliding into something out of character for you. However unique you think your situation is, I can promise you it's not. Your only way out really IS to run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. You can put it off till tomorrow, or the next day, week, month, but it does have to happen at some point.

[gettinoverit]

I get the whole feeling like they've got away with it scot-free thing. It sucks. He's happy, playing happy families, and you're discarded. Know this: he KNOWS who he is and he has to live with himself. If he cares, he will feel horrible. If he doesn't, you're better off without him anyway. Either way, he is not winning. YOU on the other hand, are free to pursue an authentic life once you have worked your way through all this. Trust me, ultimately he hasn't got away with anything.

[BaileyB]

Indeed, it is even in the title you wrote - it’s “unfair” what has happened to you, he has done you wrong...

 

The shift that needs to happen is that it is not about him. The writing was on the wall when you met this man, he was separated (ie. still married) and dating other women. YOU made the decision to invest in this man and in this relationship. The fact that it has failed is not so much “unfair” as it was “inevitable.”

 

To move forward, you need to change your internal dialogue from that of “victim” in this “unfair” situation to that of a woman who takes responsibility for her own choices and has the power to change the situation and find her own happiness.

[MEMPHISBLUES]

you guys couldnt be more right. Not only am I a part of it, but when I felt him slipping away I would manipulate and push the buttons that I know he cant resist. I am the one who made this worse. I know that and I hate myself for it. I have reached out to so many places trying to get help that I cant even count. Unfortunately when you cant afford insurance peolpe tend to stop caring about you and your mental health.

 

As far as I know I am the only one but I do think its odd tht his wife thinks he is cheating with one of his lawn customers. He says it isnt true but I dont believe him anymore. In fact he is calling me right now as I write this. I have resentment for him because if he cared about me he should have let me go and forced me to move on. that being said if I love him i should have let him be with his family when he asked me too.

 

He knew how I felt and thats where i guess I find fault with him. I cant blame him for using me. I practically forced him to. I just wish he had to pay a price like I do. He has everything and I have nothing Thats not being the victem thats just telling the truth

[BaileyB]

I have reached out to so many places trying to get help that I cant even count. Unfortunately when you cant afford insurance peolpe tend to stop caring about you and your mental health.

 

It’s good that you are here, there are many people who have had a similar experience and lots of wisdom to be gained from continuing to post.

[Starswillshine]

Quite a few things to address:

 

1) The person being unfair here is you. To yourself. When he went back to his wife, you should have dropped him faster than a burning coal in your hand.

 

2) Women seem to get caught up in the "If he loved her, he wouldn't cheat on her." You're projecting here. He loves her as much as he has the capability of loving someone. Cheaters like that (that love their wives and say they aren't leaving, they are happy at home, they just want a little exciting spice in their life). You're projecting because if YOU loved someone, you could not fathom disrespecting them.

 

3) Also, you stated he has tried to end before, and you admittedly throw a fit. To him, you are quite volatile. You are now a threat to him and his family. He has to give you enough so you will not destroy his family, but slowly also try to push you away gently.

 

4) Some of the things he is doing isn't because he cares about you or loves you (and I'm not particularly saying he does not, but these cheaters are sorta all the same). There is the one side... that he wants a little spice in his life, so he comes around to get some. And then there is the other, he has to keep you happy so you do not destroy his world.

 

You have the power in this. You have the power to walk away. The ONLY victims here are his wife and children. You have choices. She/they do not.

[stillafool]

Considering your emotional state I imagine OM is scared out of his mind that you are going to tell his wife. I'm sure that is why he is handling you with the utmost care at this point. He is looking for an easy way out. I can guarantee you OP, when you lost control of your emotions and start acting crazy he is looking for a way out that isn't going to ruin what he has at home.

Edited September 11, 2019 by stillafool

[MEMPHISBLUES]

I guess my question is... Is it possible to actually care and love the other person while going home and loving the other person as well?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Love? Probably not. Lust, definitely.

Edited September 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[gettinoverit]

I guess my question is... Is it possible to actually care and love the other person while going home and loving the other person as well?

 

Yes, absolutely. However, that still doesn't answer the question you are REALLY asking, which is "Did he love you?"

[mark clemson]

I guess my question is... Is it possible to actually care and love the other person while going home and loving the other person as well?

 

 

Maybe for some people. Not for others.

 

"Romantic" love near the start of the relationship tends to gradually settle into a more familial love for many people. Not everyone, but many. So you get the "I love you but I don't love you" talk from some.

 

Doesn't matter THAT much at any rate as he's made his choice.

 

If you're wondering whether he ever had real feelings for you, my guess is he probably does or did. But it's not enough to overcome practical considerations (ending a marriage, kids, etc) in the end.

 

 

I know he cares or he wouldnt keep letting me go crazy on him day after day because Im so hurt. I just get so angry that he tells me how he feels and how he misses me and cares for me but then goes home and its like i dont even exist. I just cant get seem to get past the anger that he goes home where all his needs are fulfilled and Im the one left alone and left empty.

 

 

All of this is just IMO, but the way to deal with this I think is to make a firm decision to walk away and do it. You may have relapses/moments of weakness, but maintain your resolve. Eventually your brain will adjust and you'll feel more normal and be able to move on. It will take much longer than you'd like, but it will eventually happen.

 

Right now your brain is a bit like a cocaine addict's, and you need to wean yourself off him and gradually go clean. SLOWLY but surely your brain will adjust and you'll eventually be over him. The first step is making a firm decision to be done with him. Then reduce or end contact, block him, etc.

[gettinoverit]

 

Right now your brain is a bit like a cocaine addict's, and you need to wean yourself off him and gradually go clean. SLOWLY but surely your brain will adjust and you'll eventually be over him. The first step is making a firm decision to be done with him. Then reduce or end contact, block him, etc.

 

It sounds so obvious but I find this one of the most insightful comments I've ever read. Maybe because it's just speaking to me right now. I made that decision a couple of weeks ago. Then I went LC. 2 days ago I went NC. I was like an addict craving their next fix. It was physically painful the first 2 days. Then it got better. the gnawing feeling died away as the habit broke. Unfortunately just when I thought I was getting better and started to let my guard down, I got reeled back in and zapped again. Hence deciding that's it now, and going totally NC. He's now noticed his narc supply has disappeared and is reaching out with every tool he has. I'm holding firm.

OP - be prepared for that. I would literally plan out the first few days and what you are going to do, to keep yourself busy so you don't cave. But honestly, gift yourself this time No Contact to get your head straight. Plus, given the circumstances and how he has treated you, it'll also be fun to mess with him a little. This would be so out of character for you so far, he'll freak out wondering what's going on. A silent OW is way more scary than one showing him all her cards! Let him sweat a bit.

[MEMPHISBLUES]

You guys have been so nice to me and I'm so grateful because I'm literally scared of how I feel right now. I have two kids that I don't have any help with and I work my ass off for hardly any money but I make it. I'm just so tired of people treating me like ****. I'm 42 and I'm not a bad looking person I don't think they allow you to post pictures on here or I would I'm not ashamed of what I've done or who I am but it just sucks when you don't have the money or the time to go I even try to do something for yourself to feel better. Just to be clear he never told me he loves me he said he cares deeply and I care about people I don't even know I care about you guys for being so kind to me then today I asked him why he was going to come over here and surprise me and he said because he likes me what the hell does that supposed to mean so you like me I basically told him to go **** himself. We've been fighting all day again he's mentally making me go to a place that I've never been before I'm scared to go no contact because when he doesn't reach out I don't know what I will do and that scares me as bad as I feel right now I feel like I could even get lower if that happens. I'm a good person with a good heart I do a lot for everybody I give and I give and I give but I never get filled up I'm not having a pity party and I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself but sometimes when people are realistic it just seems that way I don't have any family and I work so much that I don't have time to go out and do anything so to say I'm lonely doesn't even scratch the surface

Edited September 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[pepperbird]

op,

 

 

I know you want to make sense why he got into a relationship with you, and that's a completely understandable desire. To make sense of one's life.

 

 

 

I'm no expert on people by any stretch, but it's been my observation that it's the "ordinaryiness" of the people involved in affairs that is part of what causes so much angst. The guy the you got involved with sounds like just an average guy, nothing either overly bad or good that would make him stand out. When it read these types of posts, I always think the ww/wh sounds like just an average Joe/ Jane. They aren't evil or terrible people, there is often no abuse, cruel treatment or anything that would make it easy to walk away. In fact, many wh/ww are, in most other areas of their life, quite nice people. It's not like they put some sign around their neck warning people about what's really going on in their heart/ mind.

 

For what it's worth, it's the same for a BS. How can a spouse, who one has lived with for a long time, and who in many other areas is a really kind and decent person, knowingly get involved in something that could hurt their spouse so much? What kind of a person does that? The other side of the coin? The ow/om is also likely hurting too. How can the mm/mw claim to live their om/ow yet be a big part of why they are hurting? The same is true for their spouse. If they love them,how can they hurt them like this? It's a puzzle I haven't been able to figure out myself:(

 

OP, that's what I was getting at. I'm not trying to minimize your heartache. Most of us have, at some time or another, fallen for someone who seems so "ordinary" ( if you know what I mean) that we would never expect them to treat us badly. You made a mistake in judgement, but who among us hasn't? The good news for you is you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and walk away. There is a lot of strength coming through in your posts. You've got this

[pepperbird]

You guys have been so nice to me and I'm so grateful because I'm literally scared of how I feel right now.

 

 

op,

I am so glad you reached out. It sounds like you have an awful lot on your plate right now, but please, look after yourself. You have to take care of your mental/physical/emotional health if you are going to be able to be there for your kids.

 

Is it possible that the affair was an "escape", even if it was only a brief one, form all that stress and loneliness? Is it possible that losing that part of why you're hurting?

 

Being with mm may have provided a band aid, but it couldn't last. Reality always comes back. It sounds like you are being really smart about this and using the affair ending as a chance to learn about yourself and grow. What was it about this guy that attracted you to him? What need was he filling in your life? In my experience, it's easy to feel like something is missing in a vague sort of way. Are your feelings for him really for "him", or are they more about your loneliness, stress, and need for some self care? In other words, if your life was humming along and you felt happy and contented, would this guy have even gotten a second look?

[spiderowl]

I can understand your anger OP. Anger can come from frustration, the frustration of not being in control of the situation.

 

You have struggled and I know how hard it is to look after children and have to do everything yourself. You are doing so well and deserve better than this guy. In order to find someone special for you, you need to get this guy out of your head and heart. That can only come from distancing yourself from him until he is no longer part of your life. He is probably scared to just go because you do seem very volatile at the moment.

 

You can take back control. You can tell him to go and cut him off, then it is your decision not his. When you get lonely, find something else to occupy you. It will hurt for a time but after a while you may find you are seeing things differently and see how much the toing and froing was tearing you apart.

 

For anyone ow or om, it must seem like an unfair deal. The mm or mw goes back to their partner and children. They seem to have everything and you are left bereft. It is in a way the lot of the ow/om to feel the effects of the unfairness of it when it doesn't work out. You get your own back, so to speak, by depriving him of you. Once you have recovered from the fallout of this, you will be mentally and physically free to look elsewhere. I do feel that if someone is 'physically or emotionally' attached to someone, we can sense it at an unconscious level and opportunities to meet others just do not seem to arise. Once you are past that stage and emotionally free, your life could open up to be much more interesting and you could meet someone else.

 

I am not minimising your situation at all. I have been the single parent, struggling and coping on very little money while running myself ragged. I know how hard it is. I also know that you will at some level feel proud of yourself and respect yourself more if you dump this guy. While you are maintaining contact with him, you will be up and down emotionally. Once you have dumped him, you will feel a sense of release. I know you will feel lonely too but there will be hope for something much better in your future.

[MEMPHISBLUES]

I wish I could dump him but he beat me to the punch. Its like we have the same conversation/fight every day. I know its me and not him. All he wants is for me to go away. We stayed up fighting until 3:00am this morning. I criend so mucg that I can barelt hold my eyes open. I dont honestly know what Im trying to accomplish by telling him how much he hurt me. He already knows. he apologizes but it doesnt mean anything to me. I think part of my anger stems from about a year ago we had broken up and gone 2 weeks without talking at all (two weeks is the longest its ever been). I was doing good and was starting to let go and then he calls me at work literally 10 times. I was so elated that he called up to my job. he never has done that. then it was off to the races again. I used to beg him to block me and he wouldnt. It was easier for me to move on if I felt like he loved me. I guess I convinced myself that we were ripped apart by bad timing and blah blah blah. I could just let go if we were in a good place but he would never let me. I have so much resentment that when I tried he wouldnt let me but now that he wants to bethe all around family man Im supposed to just quietly go away and let him be happy while Im shattered. He didnt do that for me.

 

To answer the question he is way more than average. Hes a very attractive fireman and he is amazing at his job. He saves countless lives but I would love him the same if he was a janitor. He is the only thing that I looked forward to and even after all this time he still gives me butterflies when Im even close to him. I love him not the idea of him. Thats why i finally decided to just be done. I did something that I regret on Sunday just to hurt him but all it did was hurt me in the process. I feel like I have just reached my breaking point and I cannot let myself go down any further. Im all my boys have. Last night I was upset and my 8 year old son started to cry in the car. When I ahsked him what was wrong he said "He ruins everything and I hate him" He was taking about my AP He was upset because I was to upset to spend time with him. That made me feel the lowest out of everything. I have to change something Ive let this go to far,...

Edited September 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

You know that you have hit a low point when your eight year old child knows about and is upset with your affair partner for hurting his mom. He is a child, he should have no knowledge of your love life - especially an inappropriate relationship. I’m not saying this to make you feel worse, rather because you need to use this moment as the reason why you need to give your head a shake and get your stuff together. I think you will agree that your child deserves more than to be exposed to this and to have a mother who is literally falling apart because her relationship has ended.

 

The other thing you need to really understand - this has nothing to do with him, it is all about you. You have exhausted your coping skills such that you are having difficulty coping with the end of this relationship. Lots of people struggle with breakups, but your response is disproportionate to the circumstance... which tells me that there is more going on here than the end of the relationship.

 

Is there any kind of free counselling services available to you through work, your physician, a women’s clinic, a crisis hotline... You need to find some support such that you can try to get yourself together again. It’s imperative that you find a way, especially for your children.

[stillafool]

It's unhealthy to blame others for your decisions. MM cannot give you strength you have to find that on your own. He wasn't holding a gun to your head to make you continue the affair. Your strength should come from your child's tears over watching their mom torn up over someone else's husband. Again, you need to get yourself into independent counseling so you can move forward. He is not going to leave his wife and family for you and acceptance of this fact is your first step to moving forward.

[MEMPHISBLUES]

Ive always known that he wasnt going to leave I guess I just thought we would continue until i met someone else.... I have tried EVERYWHERE to get counseling even on betterhelp.com but its 200$ a month and I cant afford it.

[pepperbird]

op,

please don;t do this to your boys. They need a mom who is 100 percent "there". You sound really sad and lonesome, but don't sell yourself short.

 

Sure this guy may be a fireman, good looking and all the rest, but you know what? That doesn't make him a good person. He likely has feet of clay. Sure, many firemen are heroes, but an awful lot are nothing more than adrenaline junkies.

 

Really, is sounds to me like this guy is hurting you more than he's benefitting you. You are worth so much more than this. Don't sell yourself short. You're a single mom, and that takes a lot of strength. You can kick him to the curb. I know it will be hard, but if you do, one day you will wake up thrilled he;s out of your life and you don't have to go through all this nonsense every day.

[pepperbird]

Ive always known that he wasnt going to leave I guess I just thought we would continue until i met someone else.... I have tried EVERYWHERE to get counseling even on betterhelp.com but its 200$ a month and I cant afford it.

 

 

Does your workplace offer any sort of emergency counseling/ care program? You may also want to talk to your family doctor. He or she can often connect you with *free*( I love that word...*free*) resources in your community. Family resource centres can also be good starting points.

 

You don't have to go through all of this alone.