I am struggling with the unfairness

[anika99]

"and my 8 year old son started to cry in the car. When I ahsked him what was wrong he said "He ruins everything and I hate him" He was taking about my AP He was upset because I was to upset to spend time with him. That made me feel the lowest out of everything. I have to change something Ive let this go to far,..."

 

No doubt about it, your kids deserve way better from you. As a mom to two boys who raised my kids as a single parent and who made plenty of mistakes, I can assure you that you are doing damage to your children that will become more and more apparent as time goes on. One day this affair will end, one way or another, and you will get over it and he will just become an unpleasant memory. Your love for him will die and you will be left wondering what you ever saw in the lowlife and why you ever let yourself be so used.

 

However, the guilt and shame you feel for hurting your own children for the sake of this man will not go away, it will only intensify and become more unbearable. Years from now when your kids are grown and long gone, you will remember that day that your little boy sat beside you in the car crying because his mom was choosing to be miserable and preoccupied with some loser cheater over spending time with her precious innocent little boy. You will remember that day years from now and you will be overcome with shame and self loathing and pointless regret because it will be too late to go back and give your children better.

 

What's more, a day will come when your children will be disgusted by your actions too and they will become angry and bitter towards you. Right now your 8yr old hates your MM and blames him because he can't bring himself to blame you. You are perfect and wonderful in his little boy eyes, you are his whole world. But that won't last. At some point, probably in his later teen years, he is going realize that your MM wasn't some evil boogeyman that you were helpless to walk away from. Your boy is going to understand that YOU CHOSE an affair with some creepy married dude over being a healthy and happy mother to your children. When he gets wise to you then you will see the harm you have caused but by then it might be too late to right your wrongs.

 

So who do you want to be? A strong capable woman who leads her children by being secure and emotionally healthy and who models values and integrity? Or a weak needy middle aged mother who seeks and values the validation of a married man over the good of her children?

You are not some naive 20yr old, you are a middle aged mature woman who should be willing and able to put her children over her own selfish desires. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I do tend to hold mature women to higher standards then I hold the inexperienced sweet young things that have barely reached adulthood. You have been around the block along with the rest of us middle aged folks. It's not too late to turn things around and set things right with your children. I hope you choose them soon, before there is any more damage caused.

[S2B]

op,

I have a suggestion for you. It might sound strange at first, but please give it some consideration.

 

There is a tone of "victim" in your posts, and that line of thinking will just get you bogged down. The affair didn't happen to you, you fed, watered and tended it well. The good news is that, since you helped to bring it about,you have just as much power to end it and find the life you really want. I have a feeling you're not his first dalliance, and you likely won't be the last. you can, however, be the smartest and get as far away from him as you can before you're hurt all over again.

 

 

 

take back your power.

 

I agree, end all communications with him and you will get over it faster.

 

By continuing to communicate and have sex with himyou keep fueling the fire.

 

Douse it with a ton of water and call it done.

 

It will hurt at first but after time goes by you’ll realize he was mainly feeding his own ego.

 

You need to take care of you now - the only way out is to never talk to him again!

 

He came by for sex. That’s why he keeps up with you - because you keep offering sex thinking he will see only you... well, he won’t - he’s married and not leaving his wife! That’s ALL you need to know!

 

Time for you to protect yourself from a man who will use you as long as you keep allowing it... stop allowing it!

 

 

Believe me when I say this: he doesn’t love you - he just loves himself and the ego strokes he gets from you. Stop feeding his ego! Even a fight shows him you value him way too much!

 

And you really are helping to harm an entire family - yours AND his! Just stop.

Edited September 13, 2019 by S2B

[whichwayisup]

He had a heart attack and when that happened he and his wife ended up deciding to work things out. We kept in touch and I would still go see him at work and we would spend time together there. The last 2 years we have grown closer and closer. I knew he was never going to leave his wife and I never asked him to. He loves his wife and daughter but I always thought that he couldnt love her that much if he was doing this to her. I am a single mom and I guess in a way I used him as much as he used me. As we got closer he started coming over more and I would go to the station more to see him. (being a fireman the way their shifts are its easy to do that). It wasnt just sex, it was having fun and goofing off and and I grew to love him.

 

Be angry at yourself, not him. You chose this path and put yourself in a situation/affair knowing full well after his heart attack he went back to his wife.

 

By visiting him at his fire station it won't be long before his wife finds out. Even more so since you're identifying which city he is in.

 

I hope someday you find self love and respect for yourself, end it and cut him out of your life. You deserve better and as long as you stay in this affair, the more you're going to hurt and feel resentment and anger. He will take whatever you give him and every time he'll still choose his wife over you.

 

Sorry if my words jump out harshly, it just is frustrating that you don't see the train wreck you're in and it's only going to hurt you more as time goes on.

 

Edit to add, I see you have kids who are hurting in this mess! All the more reason to end this affair. It's going damaging them and you as well. Please consider some counseling so you can get strong to end it with him.

Edited September 13, 2019 by whichwayisup

[pepperbird]

op,

 

 

sometimes, a person can be a a crappy situation, but they don't have the strength to remove themselves. whether it's because they feel the deserve the treatment, they think can't do any better or they hold too tightly on to the few good times, they just can't seem to let go.

 

If you can't keep this guy out of your life for you, do it for your little ones. They need you so much right now, and when you're hurting, so are they.

 

I know it's easy for me to say all that, but I learned it the hard way. My H had a brief affair. It was in the summer, and one really night when I knew he was out with his OW my little boy and I were sitting outside on our front porch at about 4:00 in the morning. He's autistic, and not very verbal, but he asked me "where's daddy? why isn't he home"? That broke me.

 

We were able to work through our problems, but even after all these years, my son still remembers that night. So do I. I'll never forget it. That's when I knew I had to be strong for him and my girls. Even though I felt like I was dying inside, I had to do what i needed to do to protect their interests. Him saying that made me see what my inertia was doing to them. I couldn't change what my WH was doing, but I could change how I reacted.

[Amethyst68]

Why does your son know this MM? You should be protecting your kids from this kind of situation not involving them!

 

OP from what you've written it seems to me the only reason he hasn't gone NC is because he's flat out afraid what your actions would be, to family and to his professional life. I can't imagine his employers would be pleased at all this going on at his workplace!

 

You need to take responsibility for YOUR actions and move on, you have to accept there's nothing you can do about him and his actions.

 

I have to say though I wouldn't be surprised if he got another OW, I think your too intense for him, too risky....

[Bittersweetie]

Memphis, could it be possible that you are so obsessed with your affair and your AP because it is an escape from other issues you need to deal with in your own life? Like, if I think about AP, then I don't have to deal with x, y, or z. Just a thought.

[BTDT2012]

You have to do better by your children,

[georgia girl]

I don’t post here a lot anymore but every once in awhile a poster comes along who inspires me or makes me believe I could help. So Memphis, here goes...

 

First, without insurance there are options for you to get care. Look up “Federally qualified health centers” and find one in your area. These health centers are required to accept everyone, without regard to ability to pay. They almost always offer behavioral health counseling and if you are depressed - which it sounds like you are - they can help with both counseling and medication.

 

Secondly, tell yourself that it’s not okay to lose control of your emotions. It really, genuinely, isn’t. Not as a mom and not as an adult. It’s okay to get upset and cry or yell every once in awhile, but if it is near constant, then it is a situation you can no longer handle. If that’s the case, stop touching the flame. Stay away from him. For a few days, you will be despondent with grief. But after that, when you have had a chance to detoxify and are no longer in constant “fight or flight” mode, you will start to feel peace.

 

Next, get a couple of good girlfriends. Friends from work, the neighborhood, your kids’ friends or friends from high school. Reconnect with them. Have a few laughs. Share some of your daily challenges (maybe not MM until you’re ready) and build a life. It costs nothing but I will tell you the best advice I ever got: “You May meet the love of your life and spend a lifetime together or you may never meet ‘the one’. But if you have a couple of really good girlfriends who will see you through broken hearts, busted dreams and burying your parents, you will never truly be lonely.” At age 50, I have just reconnected with my girlfriends from high school and it has been amazing.

 

Fourth, take 1/2 hour - or 10 minutes - every day to do something you like to do. It could be to go for a walk, to write in a journal or to take a hot bath. Whatever it is, give it to yourself. Give yourself something to look forward to every day.

 

Fifth, when you are ready to really meet a partner (and I half suspect that you are so desperate for this guy simply because you are lonely and you want to be in love), consider a free dating app or local meetups. But before you do, set clear boundaries of what you are looking for. What is most important to you? Kind? Loyal? Smart? Funny? Have a clear idea and then require dates to live up to your standards. You should be kind about it and also strive to be a good partner yourself, but don’t give your heart away until you are absolutely sure you can trust this guy with your love. The right guy will always work hard to earn you. I promise!

 

It’s time to take control, Memphis. It’s time to “woman up” and fix your life. Don’t worry about him or his consequences for you have no control over those. But don’t keep making yourself face the repeated consequences of your bad choice. Move on, get healthy and get on with life.

 

Hugs to you,

GG

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Have you even considered the thought that there are other women other than yourself and the wife?

[gettinoverit]

It’s time to take control, Memphis. It’s time to “woman up” and fix your life. Don’t worry about him or his consequences for you have no control over those. But don’t keep making yourself face the repeated consequences of your bad choice. Move on, get healthy and get on with life.

 

Hugs to you,

GG

 

Well. I can't speak for MB, but you are officially MY hero! I LOVE this advice! And I second it too. In our area there are a lot of churches that offer "free" counseling. I say "free" because of course they push their agenda on you, but it may help. I detoxified after 3 days of hell, and now (Day 4) I am feeling SO upbeat and excited about my life! I'm going to travel, study, get a new career, finish raising my children and launching them into the world and then LIVE! Him? Well, I ran into him last night and he looks unhappy, trapped, miserable and depressed, not least because my plans are for the life HE wants too - but his wife doesn't. Too bad. He made his choice. Now he needs to stick with it.

Girlfriends? Check! We are all heading out in a couple of hours! Journaling - definitely helps sort your head out when it's spinning! I have zero interest in meeting anyone new right now, but I need to take this time to figure out exactly what I want anyway, and if/when he plops down in front of me, I'll grab him then. Otherwise, I'm off to Europe in 5 years or so! "Woman up"! YES! I am ALL OVER that! Now I'm going to check your ID and see what other great advice you've had to offer!

Edited September 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited