Maddie82 Posted September 19, 2019 Share Posted September 19, 2019 Don't pay for her anymore OP 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 19, 2019 Share Posted September 19, 2019 The big problem with "saving" people is that once they are "fixed", they go off and find someone new. Here there is a possibility she will reattach to the husband or with new found confidence she will divorce him and then find a new man. You are the link to her "bad times", she will likely have not chosen you. You have done the right thing. Relationships are hard enough without getting involved in messes. Next time find someone uncomplicated and mentally healthy who doesn't need "saving". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JuniorK Posted September 20, 2019 Author Share Posted September 20, 2019 Maddie82 - You're so right, I will never pay for another single thing. I cringe at all I've paid for her already. I hate to admit it, but I paid everywhere we went, and I've been paying for her car every month because she complained of hard times, and once I even gave her a few thousand dollars for the mortgage when her H couldn't help her with bills. Then she didn't even use it for the mortgage, she told me she paid her visa with it. I didn't even question how the mortgage got paid in the end. I have been such a sucker. I feel so terrible looking back on it, how could I have been so blind. Last night she showed up uninvited and started with the suicide threats again. This time I didn't let her get to me like I used to. I showed no emotion, didn't react at all, and just held firm that I would not continue in an affair. It was the craziest thing, it shut her right down. She hardly said anything at all after that. And she looked so frustrated that I just wasn't buying into it. Then she stormed off, and I was dreading the usual flurry of texts and calls that would normally follow last night and this morning. But nothing! I think I must have pulled back the curtain and revealed the wizard. Once she knew her tactics weren't working on me anymore, its like she just plain gave up. All those tearful pleas about how I was the love of her life and how she could never live without me, they were all lies. In the end, she wanted both me and her H, but she had no intention of making any sacrifices for me whatsoever. So not exactly the way you treat the love of your life. I'm so glad I pushed the therapy idea. It really forced out the truth. It hurts to see it though. Its hard to believe some people can be so manipulative and awful to someone who tries so hard to make things better for them. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 20, 2019 Share Posted September 20, 2019 Hmmm. This person is SO messed up. She has probably realized she needs to find another you to help her with her "needs" (like ego validation, exciting "cheat" sex, and extra $ to throw around). Yikes. I'd say it's likely she has a personality disorder or at least strong tendencies. Hopefully the storming off isn't to go attempt suicide. I suspect not, but you never know. IF it is, you have to realize there are some things we're just not in control of, like how crazy someone else may be and what they may do. As mentioned above, speaking to the police at the next threat may be in order. Also suggest you be alert. Presumably you're not going to hear much from her again. But she could be back to try again sometime soon. She might also "flip" on you and start texting about how much she hates you etc. It's even possible she may try to lash out and harm you in some way. For example, she could claim to her husband that you "seduced" her (or worse) and try to get him to threaten or beat you up. So, be prepared for anything. Really. Hopefully in a few months you'll be over this fully and able to start a much more normal, much more healthy relationship with someone who's psychologically normal and not at all like this. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted September 20, 2019 Share Posted September 20, 2019 op, She's an emotional bully. If you don't mind a suggestion, I would do some research on borderline personality disorder. I don't know if your wife meets the criteria or not, but some of the coping strategies for ending a relationship with someone with BDP or histrionic personality disorder may be helpful to you. Pay particular attention to the way both use drama, overblown threats etc. to manipulate and get their own way. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 20, 2019 Share Posted September 20, 2019 op, I don't know if your wife meets the criteria or not... The OP is single. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted September 20, 2019 Share Posted September 20, 2019 What pepperbird said. I lived with an emotional bully for years and it gets harder, never easier. It led me down a path I never imagined I’d travel. Not easy. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted September 20, 2019 Share Posted September 20, 2019 You're lucky that she decided not to leave. Surely you weren't under the delusion that it would've been a happily ever after scenario, were you? People just don't change fundamentally. Therapy can help them mitigate with coping strategies and such, but someone this far off center is always going to be off center. It would've ended up defining you for the duration. Good for you on seeing what's best for you and sticking with it. Don't backslide. You should find yourself a nice single woman who has her sh*t together. It will be a completely different life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted September 21, 2019 Share Posted September 21, 2019 (edited) Well she didn't like that at all. Ever since then it has been this flurry of craziness. Well, you changed the equation. It's you who grew old in that uncomfortable situation. It's like you are lighting the fire, when she was still fine with the temperature. See what I'm saying? I am up to all hours of the night with her on text, she is making suicide threats all the time, she texts and calls me constantly and begs me to wait for her You were her lifeline. And I guess she's being genuine with that. But suicide threats are not cool. I guess she got really really desperate over this. Over your change of mind. And of heart. She had to expect it. She had to see it coming, soon or later. Why? Because you're single, and surely that arrangement was not going to work long. But honestly, threats are most likely going to generate more threats. You threatened her. Do you realize that? You either leave him or I leave you. You either do like I say, or I'm dropping you. If you don't go to therapy, I'm done with you. All of that is going to break someone psychologically, as she doesn't wanna lose you. Has anyone else gone through this?? Sort of. I'm in a more even situation, where we both have spouses and kids. Yours is some uneven situation, and - as I said before - it's not gonna work. You got tired, and now you want it to end. What did you do and how did you manage it? I think whatever your feelings are, you love her or you were in love with her, and she doesn't deserve any s--tty treatment from you. It's not that she didn't deliver on pledges she made or something, right? So, be nice. Even while wanting out. You can do it. You can part ways in an amicable way. You talk to her in person and say the situation is not healthy for you long-term, and that you are forced to end it. But should she decide not to leave her home to be with you out of fear, just say that you'd be supporting her if she did. In my opinion, I wouldn't try to keep her, because she has affection for her husband, and she would never want to hurt him. So just end it nicely. Edited September 21, 2019 by justwhoiam Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 I laughed when you wrote she was monogamous with you. She definitely is not. She is married. By very definition she is not monogamous. How could you ever trust her in the future? She started as a cheater with you and still is. If she did leave her husband in ten years when she is bored with you she will likely cheat again. You will just be on the other side of it. She has mental problems and is manipulative. Run! Tell her to get mental help and you are blocking her from all contact. Then do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JuniorK Posted October 4, 2019 Author Share Posted October 4, 2019 Thanks notbroken, I hear you. I know of lots of marriages that are not sexual any longer for many different reasons, so I don't believe that just because two people are married, they must be having sex. But I doubted her myself. Mainly because she does have mental issues of some sort and is so paranoid of any form of change. So looking back, I don't know honestly. The one thing I do know is that I believe she really loves me. And I believe she has some serious issues that will take years to work out. Its true as others have written that I'm just tired of the affair dynamic. I never thought something like this would be so hard to get out of. But day by day, I'm getting stronger. Run away is good advice, I know... thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts