Stay NC or try to resume our great friendship pre-break up?

[Lovezen_30]

I was very good friends with a guy before we started dating. We had a conversation about it during the transition, saying we would always prioritise our friendship if romance wasn't working out. I really meant this - you know those few friends in life you meet where you immediately click & have loads in common with? It was like that from day 1.

 

Sadly, the romance didn't work out. The first time round, he confided he was the victim of childhood abuse & I was the first person he had told (aside from his counsellor). The relationship did not work out, partially because he was struggling with this, & we immediately went back to friendship - talking every day, offered supportive advice, etc. After 2 months we ended up kissing & ended up back together. He then moved 3 hours away with his company and we began an LDR.

As per my previous thread, I went to visit him on a 5 day trip & he admitted he would like an open relationship. I said no to this & when he said he wanted to keep me in his life regardless I refused. I was very hurt, so the next day we kissed and hugged goodbye and haven't spoken since as he has respected my wish for NC.

 

Three months laterI am now viewing the situation through a more mature lens: I see that we were romantically incompatible, that he has many issues to work out & that he is inexperienced and therefore I understand his desire to date more (I've been through that phase and I'm ready to settle with someone now). I also just realise that while he was a great friend...he's just not the kind of man I want to marry.

 

Today I thought to myself 'I miss my friend' & I truly meant it. I have lots of friends but there have only been a few people that have been unique & truly important in my life - he is one of them. I generally don't have this feeling about exes and could envision a long-term friendship if it worked out.

 

If I still feel this way in 2 or 3 months, I'm considering reaching out to say hi and make it clear there are no hard feelings. What do you think?

Edited September 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[schlumpy]

I don't see how it could harm you. I'm more worried about your friend. Trying to be friends with someone you have feelings for keeps a person in limbo. They are always waiting.

 

If you are sure his feelings are not romantic then OK but I want to see him dating other women and you encouraging it because that's what friends do.

[Lovezen_30]

I don't see how it could harm you. I'm more worried about your friend. Trying to be friends with someone you have feelings for keeps a person in limbo. They are always waiting.

 

If you are sure his feelings are not romantic then OK but I want to see him dating other women and you encouraging it because that's what friends do.

 

But is it likely his feelings were very strong if he suggested having an open relationship? He was upset when I said I didn't want to keep in touch as he didn't want to lose me and would miss me.

 

Well in terms of who he is or isn't dating...I don't think I am ready to hear about that yet. For now I would like a casual friendship and a 'let's meet for coffee if/when we're in the same city' kind of deal.

 

The other thing is that when I went to visit him and we broke up, part of the visit was for me to decide if I could see myself living in his city. Now that time has passed I can see I didn't want to move to his country, never mind the city. I put down roots in a different country years ago and I feel I want to stay here. I'm happy here.

 

My biggest fear is - what if he doesn't want to speak to me or be friends? I'll probably feel a bit daft then.

[schlumpy]

But is it likely his feelings were very strong if he suggested having an open relationship?

 

My biggest fear is - what if he doesn't want to speak to me or be friends? I'll probably feel a bit daft then.

 

I missed that. Thank your for calling me out on it. I was turned around on who is in the most danger here and that is you. You are the one sitting in limbo.

 

I don't think you should contact him until you can consider him with indifference. That is,if your goal is to once again renew the friendship. I think at this moment your feelings are telling against you.

 

Go to the chump ladies website and look up the 180. It's a program that if followed will help you get control of those feelings.

[balletomane]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I dated a good friend, it didn't work out, and he broke up with me. Both of us wanted to stay friends. I have every hope that we will resume a friendship one day, but for now it's too painful for me, even though I think he made the right call. I'm waiting to get to the point where I wouldn't be in pain if I saw him with someone else.

 

What's your social life been like since the breakup? I would stay NC and use it to both make new friends and spend time with existing ones (especially those you haven't seen in a while or who have never met your ex). Maybe try hobbies and activities that you don't associate with him. I think having a full active life that contains things he never shared with you will make his absence feel less painful, and then it won't be so hurtful if he decides that he doesn't want to resume the friendship when you approach him later on.

[Lovezen_30]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I dated a good friend, it didn't work out, and he broke up with me. Both of us wanted to stay friends. I have every hope that we will resume a friendship one day, but for now it's too painful for me, even though I think he made the right call. I'm waiting to get to the point where I wouldn't be in pain if I saw him with someone else.

 

What's your social life been like since the breakup? I would stay NC and use it to both make new friends and spend time with existing ones (especially those you haven't seen in a while or who have never met your ex). Maybe try hobbies and activities that you don't associate with him. I think having a full active life that contains things he never shared with you will make his absence feel less painful, and then it won't be so hurtful if he decides that he doesn't want to resume the friendship when you approach him later on.

 

It's good that you haven't jumped right into being friends and are taking time for yourself/healing first.

 

The positive signs for me are:

 

- he is no longer the first thing I think about in the morning. In fact I might think about him once or twice during the day but overall he's a passing thought now.

- I see how it wouldn't have worked out. We want to live in different countries, making us incompatible romantically. But he comes back to my country semi frequently because he is from here and has family here - great opportunity for a friendly catch up.

- I don't feel angry about him. I now just think 'ah I wonder how he's doing? ' without the previous rage.

 

I am still going to take a few more weeks and see how I feel then. But I don't think it's a huge deal anymore.

[Big Aus]

Today I thought to myself 'I miss my friend' & I truly meant it. I have lots of friends but there have only been a few people that have been unique & truly important in my life - he is one of them. I generally don't have this feeling about exes and could envision a long-term friendship if it worked out.

 

If I still feel this way in 2 or 3 months, I'm considering reaching out to say hi and make it clear there are no hard feelings. What do you think?

Forgive me for being blunt.

It's hard for single men and women to have platonic relationships (not impossible just hard.)

As it should be. If two singles are great friends, that's the best basis to start something romantic.

 

Your were clearly romantically interested in this guy, and it is far too easy for those feelings to come back.

 

I know that you mentally acknowledge that he's not the right guy for you, unfortunately falling for "the wrong guy" is pretty much the human condition.

 

Also, based only on what you have said, it seems you may idealising your notion of friendship with this guy.

 

My advice: Forget him, and move on.

[stillafool]

Well in terms of who he is or isn't dating...I don't think I am ready to hear about that yet. For now I would like a casual friendship and a 'let's meet for coffee if/when we're in the same city' kind of deal.

 

If you can't listen to him talk about his dates, encourage him in his dating process and meet his new girlfriend without getting butt hurt, you are not ready to be his friend. You are fooling yourself and will get hurt if you try this at this point. Maybe years from now after you are with another man and he's in a relationship you guys can become friends including your significant others.

[Lovezen_30]

Forgive me for being blunt.

It's hard for single men and women to have platonic relationships (not impossible just hard.)

As it should be. If two singles are great friends, that's the best basis to start something romantic.

 

Your were clearly romantically interested in this guy, and it is far too easy for those feelings to come back.

 

I know that you mentally acknowledge that he's not the right guy for you, unfortunately falling for "the wrong guy" is pretty much the human condition.

 

Also, based only on what you have said, it seems you may idealising your notion of friendship with this guy.

 

My advice: Forget him, and move on.

 

Hi BigAus. You don't realise it but your post actually had a big impact on me and stopped me from contacting him (and I still haven't).

 

I suppose mainly because I feel he took me for granted and didn't consider the risk of losing me. I also just felt it was all really confusing. In the past every time I've felt a guy was in love with me he was and we ended up in a relationship. But this guy, who I also felt was in love with me, and behaved as though he was, told me he wanted to date other people too. I just couldn't reconcile that at all. It killed all the romance between us stone dead.

 

I probably think about him once or twice a day now, as opposed to first thing when I wake up and all the time. Mostly I'm ok, but last night just before sleeping I thought of him and cried for the first time in a while. I really miss him. He can't be replaced.

 

I do sometimes wonder if I did the right thing in going NC for life. I don't think he was a suitable partner, but I still loved him and miss his friendship a lot. I saw this on a forum and am trying to heed it at the moment:

 

'It's gonna hurt, but ultimately discarding this relationship is going to make you available to be in adult relationships.'