Multiple Chances, same cycle

[Shortblondie83]

Started seeing a guy a year a go, a long distance relationship. We had a pretty good connection. Good chemistry. We had a trip planned out to meet up, to spend a few days together. Had flights booked. Airbnb booked. Activities planned out, and paid for. We talked daily. Getting excited to see each other. Making plans to take things at another level. Moving closer together, and so on.

 

Those plans had come to a complete halt, when someone I was seeing previously whom I had broken off about 9 months before we met... interfered with this new relationship. He was an old co-worker of mine. We had hung out a few times. Talked here and there. He knew a lot about me from working together for several years, and learned more from our frequent talks. We did end up getting intimate one time. That changed our relationship, he completely changed on me. I felt uncomfortable. Everything felt off. Red flags that he was the possessive type. I ended up breaking it off, and told him it just wasn’t working. He was upset, but we parted ways. So I thought. I had cut all ties with him, de-friended him from all of my social media. To give us some healthy space.

 

However, he was able to break into my two of my email accounts. One account was set up for work, my kids coaches, school and so on. The other was more for my personal things, where all my finances and bills were sent. I am not quite sure how he got into my email. If he was able to spy on me when we were together, or was able figure out my password. Yes, both emails had the same password, and we’re not hard to figure out if you really knew me. Stupid and foolish, I know. He knew both of my email addresses, as I had sent him things using with both accounts. Didn’t think anything of it previously, to be more careful. Well, he was able to read emails that I had corresponded with the new guy with. Our flirty messages. Learned my new guy’s name. All of our reservations that we had planned for and had all the confirmation numbers for them. He was able to change my password for my cellphone account through my email, and got access to my phone log. Being that the new guy and I talked very frequently, he was able to figure out who the new guy’s number. He apparently researched my new guy. And he contacted him. Called. Texted. Harassed him. Telling him he was with a taken woman. Sent messages to his Facebook account, contacted some of his friends. Was doing anything he could to get my new guy to scare away. My ex cancelled all of my reservations that I had made. We lost so much money because of this, as some of it was not refundable.

 

My new guy was of course pissed, understandably so. He still wanted to see other. I said I would of course meet up with him to spend time. However, to the extent my ex had gone.... I was scared to go to the location we had originally planned. I didn’t know how far he would go. I asked him if we could get together somewhere else. He was frustrated that our plans were completely ruined, and he was being harassed by my ex. I did everything to get the ex to go away. I reported what he did. Filed a restraining order. Changed my passwords. Changed my phone numbers. I gave my new guy money for what he lost from the cancellation on his end. I tried to fix what my ex did. He kept getting harassed by my ex, on and off for weeks. Every fake number he called him on. Emails. Fake Facebook accounts. He screenshot and sent them to me, and I filed with my report. However, the new guy became angry at me. He didn’t want to meet up. Said it was my fault, that I brought this baggage in his life. He didn’t need it. It hurt me so deeply, but I stepped away as he asked. I didn’t call. Text. Email. Nothing. Few weeks later, he emails me. He wants to meet up. I told him that I already arranged with different plans for days I had taken off, as he said he didn’t want to see me. He got mad again. We stopped talking until he texted me again, during the first few days we were supposed to have met up. I had rearranged my plans to spend time with a relative instead. He kept begging me. The last 2 days I had from my time off, I changed my plans and ended up spending more money to see him. We spent what I had left together, before I headed home. He was cold to me though. What had happened, had changed what we had been building. On my way home, he started texting me hurtful messages. Blaming me, that I had ruined what we had. I apologized so many times for what my ex did. Months went by, and he would reach out to me. Tell me he missed me. He wanted to see me. He wanted to start over. He wanted to be with me. I met up with him 2 more times. Couple other times, that he came into town or closer to me where I could drive to him, I didn’t go. He asked me to fly to him, but I didn’t. It was because of inconsistent behavior, and how he turned on me and would get so mean. I kept forgiving him, because I felt so bad for what my ex had done to him. Excusing his behavior.

 

The last month or two, he’s reached out to me after he yelled at me to leave him alone. Saying he missed me again. Wanted me in his arms. Pulling at my heart strings. He told him he loved me. He asked me if I loved him. I said I did, but didn’t want to do this toxic cycle he kept doing to me. I would leave him alone like he asked. He would email me or texted me again few days or weeks later. Apologized. Butter me up. We try again. A few text messages would get a little flirty and very loving. But all of a sudden, his behavior shifted towards me I would ask him a question. Send him a pic. Respond to one of his questions. He would disappear for not just an hour or 2, but for 12 to 24 hours before I would hear from again. He never done that before, before all that had happened. I would text him a few times, while waiting for a response. Asking if I was wasting my time. Asking him if he was just messing with me, playing games. Told him it was hurtful what he was doing. He eventually would respond, saying I was a baby. Dramatic. Over-reacting. So on. Saying he was too busy. He was working. I said I would respect and understand if he was working, but he doesn’t work 12 to 24 hours. He would say nothing. Then he would ignore me. I would question him again. He would proceed to tell me I was annoying. Then asks me to leave him alone. He would then block me. Few days later, he would unblock me and reach out to me again. Apologizing. He was missing me. Asked how I was doing. I would respond very lovingly. Then he would disappear for hours or even a day later. Just recently I asked him if he was seeing someone else, reason he was so in and out with me. He got mad. Saying I was the only woman he was taking to. And then started with his abusive pattern towards me.

 

Well... we’re currently not speaking again. He asked me to meet up with him on one of his business trips. I said I would. He failed to give me dates. I told him I needed to know to make arrangements, that I had a job and kids. He ignored me again, for a whole day. I sent him a message, explaining how his treatment towards me made me feel. He responded: sorry dude, not going to work out between us. I got upset. Told him he wasted my time. Told him I was done, his behavior was wrong towards me. I ended up blocking him.

 

I feel his behavior towards me are wrong, but my heart just gives him excuses for what happened. Any suggestions or opinions on this? Am I wrong, to feel his behavior isn’t okay? Why does he feel that his behavior is okay towards me, when I personally did nothing to him and did everything to get my ex to stop? Is he not minimizing my feelings? Do I not have the right to question his intentions, when he ignores me for hours to over a day? Is it not abusive what he’s doing to me? If he’s still upset about what happened, can’t let go... he should leave me alone? To stop confusing me , and misleading with what he wants? Do I not still have the right to have my expectations in a relationship, even after my ex caused all this?

[ExpatInItaly]

Both of these men are bad news, OP.

 

A mature guy would have let you go once, not keep bouncing back and forth and being rude and then sweet. He would have stuck to his decision not to continue with you if he felt disappointed and uncomfortable.

 

He's not relationship material. You seem to know this now. Keep him blocked and forget him. Focus on you, and building up your inner resolve so you better weed out men who are not good for you.

[mark clemson]

It sounds to me like you are attractive enough to have men interested. Unfortunately, you clearly found two very damaged men. I think you should do the clear and easy thing: walk away from these two *sshats and find someone who isn't psycho and treats you decently.

[stillafool]

You are blaming all of this on your ex when in fact you were the cheater here. He didn't interfere with the relationship you did. You need to take responsibility for your cheating with you ex that caused your new bf to no longer trust you.

[Shortblondie83]

I cheated? What are you talking about? If I cheated, I would understand him taking out his anger out on me. I didn’t. I wouldn’t. I’m not the cheating kind. I ended it with the previous guy nine months before I even started anything with the new guy, and never once had any correspondence with him after I broke it off. ... until he contacted the new guy, to tell him to knock it off and that I would take legal actions if he continued. I’m telling exactly how it happened, in order to gain real solid advice that would be helpful in my situation... even if it means others believe it’s my fault and I deserved it. However, you stating I cheated... is completely off base.

[Redhead14]

The definition of insanity is tolerating and allowing someone to do the same thing over and over to you. You are complicit in your own misery because you don't take action and power for yourself. You cannot control or change what they do. The only thing you have control over is how you handle it. Block and delete and close this chapter of your life.

[Maddie82]

You are blaming all of this on your ex when in fact you were the cheater here. He didn't interfere with the relationship you did. You need to take responsibility for your cheating with you ex that caused your new bf to no longer trust you.

 

What??? She didn't cheat on anyone. She was long broken up with this ex but apparently he was a bit psycho and ruined her new relationship. You might want to read her post probably stillafool because it sounds like you just skimmed it. You got it completely wrong.

 

OP, you did nothing wrong. You just got involved with 2 damaged guys who treated you badly. You didn't deserve that. Do not have anything to do them again. Make sure those passwords are airtight.

Edited September 18, 2019 by Maddie82

[Commongoal123]

Hey OP,

 

See the cycle for what it is, and end the cycle.

[stillafool]

You are blaming all of this on your ex when in fact you were the cheater here. He didn't interfere with the relationship you did. You need to take responsibility for your cheating with you ex that caused your new bf to no longer trust you.

 

So sorry OP, I mixed up your thread with someone else's and thought you cheated. I should be more careful.