Dilemma

[Mrshappy]

I’ve been married 12 years and we have 2 children 6 and 9 and like most relationships we’re busy with work and family stuff and over the years my closeness with hubby has tailed off a bit.

 

Around 6 months ago I saw a guy at my local gym who is a parent of one of the kids in my sons class. He is not with the mother and only occasionally picks his kid up from school where I see him.

 

For a few weeks we’d let on at the gym and eventually started talking. He was lovely and spoke about school, kids, work etc and I enjoyed it whenever I’d see him there. He is attractive too which doesn’t matter but I guess for the purpose of this I should admit that

 

Whenever I’m on a school pick up and he’s there which is maybe once a week he comes and talks to me again about nice things however when I’ve gone with hubby he doesn’t come over but just smiles at me and let’s on

 

I hadn’t given him my mobile but recently he added me on FB and liked a few of my pictures. He’s also started messaging me asking what time I’ll be at the gym and if I’ll have time for a coffee etc

 

My question is do I need to say something to him or is this fine? I really like him and enjoy his company

[oldtruck]

Cheaters lie.

So how do you know he is not with his wife?

Because he told?

Remember cheaters lie.

If he is not with his wife then it is a good chance he has been caught

cheating before.

 

You are having an emotional affair. You look for, enjoy, and want more

attention from this OM. This is stepping on the slippery slope that will lead

you to a PA, physical affair.

 

Your marriage sucks. Spend the energy you are on this OM on your

BH, betrayed husband. You cannot fix your marriage then divorce.

 

Having an affair does not fix anything, and when you get caught the

damage done will not of made cheating worth it.

[DKT3]

There is no dilemma, either you want to protect your marriage or you dont.

[Maddie82]

No, none of it is fine and your husband would be pissed if he knew you were meeting a man you found attractive at the gym and being asked out for coffee. I think you can see that this guy has an interest in you otherwise you wouldn't be here. If you value your marriage at all you need to pull the plug on this. Don't go for coffee and block him from your social media. Talk to your husband about reconnecting again. You have a family to think about.

[schlumpy]

At this moment you are not so lost that you can't resist. Quit seeing him and quit talking to him since you indicate your boundaries are wavering. He is grooming you for sex.

 

Focus on your family.

[Timshel]

I'm going to suggest something radical, I suppose; talk to you husband. Tell him, we are in trouble you and I and I want to get out of it with you.

 

This is the meaning of marriage my friend. When the s.hit hits the fan, that's what makes a marriage; this is what for better or worse means. Anyone can do fun, successful marriages do the tough stuff...together.

 

Be honest, talk to your husband. Get a sitter, get yourself sexy and go on a date with your husband.

[Mr. Lucky]

There is no dilemma, either you want to protect your marriage or you dont.

 

Exactly.

 

Mrshappy, each individual step you've taken looks fine, but considered as a whole they're obviously part of something bigger. His proposed coffee date leads to a discussion of your marital issues, which leads to a feeling of closeness, which leads to ... ????

 

People who want to stay married don't flirt, set-up gym dates or meet opposite-sex others for secret coffee klatches.

 

Instead, they discuss problems with their partners, look for solutions and keep healthy boundaries in place. Hope you do the same...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mark clemson]

People who want to stay married don't flirt

 

I respectfully disagree with this one. Everyone's a little bit different and some folks enjoy casual flirting with no intent of straying.

 

 

OP, IMO if this guy was just talking to you it would normally be fine, so long as you're not developing real emotions for him or an intention of straying from your husband.

 

The suggestion of a coffee date is an entirely different matter. THAT IMO is a play for real (emotional) intimacy and shows an intent to take this into an affair. It sounds very much to me like a move towards an emotional affair that then can become a physical affair if/when you start to really like the guy.

 

It's not clear from your post whether he's married or single. If he's single you can suggest he go find an available woman. If he's married, suddenly developing a strong interest in his wife's welfare and whereabouts should get the message across. Or you could simply ask him to stop talking to you.

 

Strongly recommend you resist the idea of having an affair to have your needs met more fully within your marriage. They are a "garden path" solution that seems like a compromise between staying in your marriage and "being happier". That can work for a while if you don't feel too guilty. However, over time they tend to turn into major emotional headaches at best. At worst, they totally disrupt or even ruin people's lives. Feel free to do some reading in this section or the OM/OW section if you don't believe me.

 

Is this guy worth risking a divorce over? Right now, you'd say no of course not. You'd be surprised how easy it is for that to change if you start developing feelings for him etc. Nip this thing in the bud.

[Mrshappy]

Thanks mark. He is single. I know his ex and apparently he’s ok. He has a good job and nice interests. I don’t want an affair but I do like talking to him

[DKT3]

Thanks mark. He is single. I know his ex and apparently he’s ok. He has a good job and nice interests. I don’t want an affair but I do like talking to him

 

Say just about every wife who cheats on her husband

[Maddie82]

Thanks mark. He is single. I know his ex and apparently he’s ok. He has a good job and nice interests. I don’t want an affair but I do like talking to him

 

Your husband won't see it that way.

[BaileyB]

I absolutely agree - people who respect their partners and want to keep their marriages don’t flirt, meet up, and give their cell phone numbers to attractive single parents from their children’s school... He may not be married, but you are.

 

You are clearly enjoying the interaction/attention OP, or you wouldn’t be asking if it is ok to continue/escalate this interaction... I too think you should tell your husband. Chances are he won’t appreciate this situation and that will put an end to this.

 

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

[Confused48]

The fact he won't talk to you when your husband is around is a huge red flag. Go ahead, "Enjoy" what you think is a harmless distraction. You go girl! Right down that slippery slope like many others here have done. Check out the misery their lives have become after allowing some little crack in the door.

 

Like a deal with a drug dealer, they draw you in bit by bit until you are hooked and then its too late. You find yourself morally bankrupt and wallowing in the gutter.

 

Why is he divorced? Perhaps he is a player. Married women who are bored with their husbands are easy prey. He's found a live one and he smells blood in the water.

[Mrshappy]

Tbh I don’t know why they split

[BaileyB]

Are you hearing the prevailing message here OP?

 

This is inappropriate and it has the potential to very quickly cross the line if you begin texting or go for coffee with this man. Best to remind him that you are a married woman and limit your interaction to “hello, have a good day” when you see each other at the gym and at the school.

[Mrshappy]

The guy from school I have been talking to was there this afternoon and I walked back to my car with him. I do think he is after something as he made a comment about me wearing tights today it was quite funny but certainly inappropriate. I said to him I’m not sure we should be talking really and I’m sorry if I’ve led him on or gave him the wrong signals. I said things weren’t great at home and maybe I’m using him as a distraction. He was really nice about it and said he was surprised as he didn’t think of me like that and just said it was nice talking as mates (I felt a bit silly tbh) he said he’ll stop talking to me if it’s bothering me. I said it wasn’t bothering me but it just may not be right. He said if I wanna talk great but he’ll stop instigating it.

[oldtruck]

Tbh I don’t know why they split

 

Why?

Because a cheater says so?

They may not even be split.

[oldtruck]

The guy from school I have been talking to was there this afternoon and I walked back to my car with him. I do think he is after something as he made a comment about me wearing tights today it was quite funny but certainly inappropriate. I said to him I’m not sure we should be talking really and I’m sorry if I’ve led him on or gave him the wrong signals. I said things weren’t great at home and maybe I’m using him as a distraction. He was really nice about it and said he was surprised as he didn’t think of me like that and just said it was nice talking as mates (I felt a bit silly tbh) he said he’ll stop talking to me if it’s bothering me. I said it wasn’t bothering me but it just may not be right. He said if I wanna talk great but he’ll stop instigating it.

 

Classic fake I am offended, but on second thought it does not bother me,

maybe not right. You are playing with him as much as he is you.

 

Also nice the way you slipped in that things are not great at home, saying

you are ripe to get picked.

 

You apologize for leading him on then you continue to lead him on some

more.

[Maddie82]

Why were you wearing tights? Judging by his comment its not something you usually wear. Did you wear them to look good for him? It certainly seems that way. He was definitely grooming you, no matter how much he says he just sees you as 'mates'.

[Mrshappy]

Just had them on as it was cold this morning lol

[mark clemson]

This is your opportunity to walk away - strongly suggest you take it. As noted above this kind of thing is very much a slippery slope and you're very much on it. Many many posters around here have been exactly where you are now. Some have ended up divorced or otherwise VERY VERY distressed.

 

He ... said he was surprised as he didn’t think of me like that...

 

If he said that before asking you to coffee, I'd say there's maybe a 10% chance of it being true. After asking about coffee: 0%.

 

 

I understand enjoying the attention, etc. But it's just not worth the risk of starting to have real feelings. That's only going to create further problems/detachment in your marriage. Cut it off with this guy. He needs to go find a single woman to have something with.

[Maddie82]

Just had them on as it was cold this morning lol

 

You wore them to look attractive for him. It's obvious.

[vla1120]

The guy from school I have been talking to was there this afternoon and I walked back to my car with him. I do think he is after something as he made a comment about me wearing tights today it was quite funny but certainly inappropriate. I said to him I’m not sure we should be talking really and I’m sorry if I’ve led him on or gave him the wrong signals. I said things weren’t great at home and maybe I’m using him as a distraction. He was really nice about it and said he was surprised as he didn’t think of me like that and just said it was nice talking as mates (I felt a bit silly tbh) he said he’ll stop talking to me if it’s bothering me. I said it wasn’t bothering me but it just may not be right. He said if I wanna talk great but he’ll stop instigating it.

 

"Danger, Will Robinson!"

 

1. You do not owe him any explanation about why you will no longer be in contact with him. If it were completely innocent, you would be upfront with your husband about the interactions.

 

2. There was no reason to mention that things are not great at home. That was like an engraved invitation.

 

Don't waste energy on this guy. Put that energy into your relationship with your husband.

[Thicke2013]

The guy from school I have been talking to was there this afternoon and I walked back to my car with him. I do think he is after something as he made a comment about me wearing tights today it was quite funny but certainly inappropriate. I said to him I’m not sure we should be talking really and I’m sorry if I’ve led him on or gave him the wrong signals. I said things weren’t great at home and maybe I’m using him as a distraction. He was really nice about it and said he was surprised as he didn’t think of me like that and just said it was nice talking as mates (I felt a bit silly tbh) he said he’ll stop talking to me if it’s bothering me. I said it wasn’t bothering me but it just may not be right. He said if I wanna talk great but he’ll stop instigating it.

 

Mrshappy you seem to be an intelligent woman and that fact that you posted here asking if this was acceptable or not shows that you clearly know that it isn't. So I'm curious as to why you did actually post. Were you hoping others would tell you that its no big deal so that you could continue getting your ego stroked by this man? Maybe you were hoping that others would talk you out of doing something stupid that will ultimately harm your marriage. The fact that he does not come speak to you when your husband is there tells you all that you need to know about this mans intentions. If it was truly just a friendship type thing then he'd want to know your husband as well.

 

Either way I hope you received the message. The fact that this man makes you feel good doesn't make you a bad person but what you do from here on out will determine that. You have issues in your marriage and things are a little rocky at home and some attractive single guy starts showing you attention and it makes you feel really good. Does this mean that your marriage is over? No, but it means your marriage is in trouble. Hopefully you will use this as a wake up call to go talk with your husband and work on the issues in your relationship. What you think is harmless now can change in a flash and you will be left wondering how it ever went this far.

 

OP ask yourself if your husband came home and said, "hey there's this really cute single mom that I've started talking to at the school pickup line and we've been hanging out at the gym and I've really grown to like her presence. She's asked me out for coffee next week. That's okay with you isn't it?"

 

Someone has already said it but Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Talk to your husband, work on the issues that you both undoubtedly have. You haven't crossed a huge line yet but I believe you are flirting with a potentially devastating one and I think you know it. Good luck OP.

[DKT3]

She is on her way to a full blown affair. Nothing in that conversation said I dont want to have an affair

 

Maybe we shouldn't be talking, it doesn't bother me but it may not be right. I feel silly for pointing out that this is totally inappropriate because he said my perception was wrong....Really? More classic affair starting conversation...my marriage is not good...why in the world would she need to tell him that? What did that have to do with the conversation.

 

I'm 100% confident she will shortly be having an affair, nothing we can say. She will continue to deny what's going on right up to the first time they have sex. If she doubts his intentions she will ask him and he will say, who me, nah but you look hot in those tights.