Can't these women find guys without resorting to OLD?

[nospam99]

I considered posting this in PRC. But since it does have 'practical' considerations about 'searching' for relationships, I'm posting it here.

 

I will be following the advice of the LSers who have told me to 'get out from behind the computer'. But OLD is still one way to (maybe) meet women and I DO check my 'list' of matches on match.com daily. There is a pattern. The 'best' (based on Mutual Match percentages, which turn out to be useful to at least identify similar interests and socioeconomic factors) AND HOTTEST 60 y/o women in the lists I get live along the Connecticut Turnpike/Merritt Parkway/NYC commuting corridor. Many live in Greenwich and Old Greenwich. The one who was the 'straw that broke the camel's back' to get me to decide to post lives in Stamford. For one thing, pretty much too far away (travel time) for me to venture contact.

 

But the reason I'm posting is to ask ... WTF are these women doing on OLD at all? They live in one of the most if not THE richest area on the east coast of the US. Based on what the say in their profiles and the photos they post, they are smart, rich, and beautiful to gorgeous (for 60 y/os of course) with bodies competitive with 20-somethings. Can't they find similarly smart, rich, handsome men in the top-of-the-heap communities they live in without OLD?

[thefooloftheyear]

 

But the reason I'm posting is to ask ... WTF are these women doing on OLD at all? They live in one of the most if not THE richest area on the east coast of the US. Based on what the say in their profiles and the photos they post, they are smart, rich, and beautiful to gorgeous (for 60 y/os of course) with bodies competitive with 20-somethings. Can't they find similarly smart, rich, handsome men in the top-of-the-heap communities they live in without OLD?

 

 

They are looking for unicorns...You know...The good looking and dashing 50 something neurosurgeon, attorney, or finance guru that has 20/30 somethings fighting over him...but somehow they'll take the one that is may be a few years away from a physical collapse.. They feel they are too good for the average shlub, so here they are...

 

The other possibility is that while they may look good, they have a horrible personality...Some ultra fit women become very self absorbed, cold, and selfish.....I've been around gyms enough over the years to see this first hand...Its not the kind of thing most guys will want to be around...for the long term anyway...

 

TFY

[clia]

They are probably just keeping their options open. They may very well be meeting and dating men in real life as well.

[elaine567]

Married communities want little to do with single/divorced/widowed women so parties and events may be closed off to them. Married people do not usually want single people hanging around as they could be a threat to their marriages...

Their social life will contract as they age. Many older "available" men are not that sociable either.

OLD is the refuge for many that find their chances of meeting "the one" IRL are slim.

 

Yes, of course they want a "quality" man, they have nothing in common with the "average schlub"... that's their main problem. They do not want to "settle". Why would they? No-one else really wants to do that either...

 

And yes, there will be "odd" personalities, as there are in every age group...

[Happy Lemming]

@nospam99

 

Not to change the subject... but are you still doing "Speed Dating"?? Any upcoming events??

[Rayce]

Well I am not on the East coast but on the West coast where we have over a million people I haven't been asked out IRL in... I can't even remember. I am tried of being alone and I want to meet someone. Guys don't do the cold approach anymore. Just last night I broke down and went back to Match. I even paid for an actual subscription this time.... at your suggestion in one of your post.

 

Elaine is right... I never get invited to anything. Women don't want me around their husbands because they are just insecure I guess. If I am invited to an event then I better not talk to any of the married men because their wife usually get bent out of shape. Anyway... that has been my experience.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

NS, maybe they are just really busy? Do they still work/have successful careers? If so, they probably spend all their free time on making their bodies look the way they do, leaving little time to actually meet men.

[Rayce]

NP when was the last time you used the cold approach?

[chillii]

l can well understand it for anyone he or she rich poor decent not so.

And l well found out myself that there can be quality people around in OLD for all kinds of reasons.

life goes through it's ups and downs especially as we get older, friends come and go,don't get out much anymore, not into the scenes, everyone else is married you name it.

Anyone's cover can be very deceiving to what might really be going on or not, for them. l've known gorgeous 30yr olds been single for years.

Edited September 13, 2019 by chillii

[Gretchen12]

The desirable men in your age group are few. But divorced women looking for these men, are many. Some are widows, but probably most of them divorced their husbands after the kids are grown. When they divorced they were mentally prepared to be single. Being alone was better than putting up with the guy. The husbands probably didn't do anything as bad as cheat but still got booted out. These women are going to be picky.

[Ellener]

I'm 53, been out of dating/marriage for some time, and feel out of touch with the way people communicate in 2019.

 

I'm not even considering dating people I meet through my business ( would come across as unprofessional ) and much of the time I work at home, alone.

 

I also need to learn more about myself at this new stage. So doing match.com for a while seems to help clarify me somewhat. I've changed, things which would not have concerned me greatly when younger ( smoking, partying, full-time parenting etc ) are not for me now.

 

Of course I still meet people in real life, but that doesn't seem as clear-cut as it used to be, people flirt and sleep with each other with no intention of looking towards a relationship or even dates and outings!

 

One guy asked for my number, called me once to turn on the charm, then sent a series of texts suggesting he come over for sex. He seemed oblivious to the fact I might have security concerns about that or find it unappealing. He was just being a jerk and when he sent one too many vulgar texts ( I guessed after each weekend drinking bout ) I told him the next message could go out to all my friends too and he stopped.

 

But many women are going to be legitimately frightened ( especially those 'a few years away from a physical collapse' ) and concerned about giving out their number without some preliminary contact however tenuous.

 

The friend where we had a mutual attraction was also weird, went quickly from being really comfortable and fun to awkward and uncertain! So I regretted that, which incidentally 30 years ago was exactly the usual way to get involved with someone! Just tell his friend you're available!

 

But life wasn't such a 'goldfish bowl' then, it's a bit intimidating I guess being online and being in texting contact with others almost 24/7, and discussing personal life so openly. Harder to brush off embarrassment, maybe? Feeling too accessible, too vulnerable?

 

For me OLD is just a process of practising being 'out there' for a while. I'm in no hurry, I like dating but only if it's fun.

 

If I find a unicorn someone else can have him though. Unicorns aren't real

Unless that's some other social development I missed!

[SumGuy]

...

 

But the reason I'm posting is to ask ... WTF are these women doing on OLD at all? They live in one of the most if not THE richest area on the east coast of the US. Based on what the say in their profiles and the photos they post, they are smart, rich, and beautiful to gorgeous (for 60 y/os of course) with bodies competitive with 20-somethings. Can't they find similarly smart, rich, handsome men in the top-of-the-heap communities they live in without OLD?

 

There are not as many good, eligible men in those communities as you think; that and if it goes wrong you still need to see them in your social circle/ or worst yet at the club. It's a small world.

 

By good, eligible men are ones who are single, who are looking for someone over 30, not cheaters, in shape and generally not entitled d****** bags, even if of the mannered variety.

 

In general women from that socioeconomic demographic and age are not going to be into going to a bar to be picked up, not that those towns have that scene or anything like it. I am sure they are open to meeting a good man in real life but the odds are just very low day-to-day outside the structured and tight social circles.

 

How much do you know about life in the Greenwich, Darian, New Canaan's of this world?

[SumGuy]

NS, maybe they are just really busy? Do they still work/have successful careers? If so, they probably spend all their free time on making their bodies look the way they do, leaving little time to actually meet men.

This too. Besides the time it takes to keep up with the Jones, which can be a full time job in those towns.

[thefooloftheyear]

Successful and fit/good looking available men in her age range are very hard to find and have a boatload of options....Credit her, I guess, for at least keeping herself physically together...it will give her an edge over the run of the mill women her age....

 

Part of the problem is OLD is probably not where these guys are trolling for available relationship partners...Would you go fishing if the fishmonger was dropping off a variety of fresh fish at your doorstep every morning?? Probably not...

 

TFY

[lana-banana]

You seem to be suggesting if you're pretty, stable, and successful enough that men will just beat a path down to your door, so every woman dating online has a screw loose or something. That's not how it works at all. Open your age range and look at how many lovely and competent women are dating online. Is something wrong with them, too?

 

The truth is most people in the "real world" aren't walking around looking for people to date. You can forget about being set up by friends or family---that's not terribly common, because most people don't want to ruin friendships when something goes south, not to mention how harder it is to find available people as you get older. So that just leaves you, going about your regular business. Where are you supposed to be meeting eligible people, exactly? To and from work? At the grocery store? At the doctor's office? A bar? What if you aren't wearing makeup; are you supposed to be prepared for a handsome stranger to show up at any time? That's exhausting. And what if you strike up a conversation with a guy who seems great, only to discover he's taken, or gay, or...?

 

This is why people date online. Online dating provides you a platform to meet people who you can guarantee are interested in romantic interaction (at least sex, if not dating and long-term relationships), at your own time, according to your own terms. There isn't a "type" of person who dates online. It has nothing to do with you or your options. It just provides you with a means of meeting far more eligible people than you could ever hope to meet while doing your own thing.

 

Think about it: you could either mind your own business and maybe meet AT MOST two or three men you MIGHT actually want to date per month, or you could stay at home and go on two dates a week with guys you already know meet some of your particular criteria. We all know dating is a numbers game. Why would you handicap yourself?

[nospam99]

NP when was the last time you used the cold approach?

 

If that's for me (nicknamed NS rather than NP by CO), I have never cold approached. (BTW, you're changing the subject, too - just like HL.) I have yet to get over the thought of feeling like a jerk if I happen to cold approach an attached woman. FWIW I work in a building full of nice, attractive women who freely make smalltalk with me (and everyone else). ALL of the ones with whom the subject of their relationships have come up claim to be attached. Same is true for my neighorhood which, other than me, is full of couples. This leads me to assume that if I cold approach a random woman she'd be attached.

[nospam99]

How much do you know about life in the Greenwich, Darian, New Canaan's of this world?

 

All I know are the 'acquaintances' (can't say I have 'friends' in that strata) and relatives. Serious, career and family-minded people. Super smart. They work hard. They play hard (Aspen, Hawaii, Europe but stay in hotels rather than hostels). They send their kids to top colleges and often get them internships, jobs, and residencies where they themselves work. If they cheat, I guess (don't know) they are discreet enough to not be outed publicly. I guess as some posters have suggested, the women don't want to have flings with the single guys 'at the club'. But I don't get what they expect to find on an OLD site. Guys like me might be decent enough human beings, but I certainly don't have the kind of money to travel and socialize at the levels these women are used to. BTW Match used to have a 'salary' criteria that they have since removed. The women I'm referring to would typically state their own salaries as well as that of the men they were looking for as north of $100k - which isn't out of line for where they live.

[nospam99]

@nospam99

 

Not to change the subject... but are you still doing ''Speed Dating''?? Any upcoming events??

 

LOL. You DID change the subject. Speed Dating on Monday. Based on oh-fers at the last two, I'm not expecting much. But I keep trying .

[hippychick3]

You seem to be suggesting if you're pretty, stable, and successful enough that men will just beat a path down to your door, so every woman dating online has a screw loose or something. That's not how it works at all. Open your age range and look at how many lovely and competent women are dating online. Is something wrong with them, too?

 

The truth is most people in the "real world" aren't walking around looking for people to date. You can forget about being set up by friends or family---that's not terribly common, because most people don't want to ruin friendships when something goes south, not to mention how harder it is to find available people as you get older. So that just leaves you, going about your regular business. Where are you supposed to be meeting eligible people, exactly? To and from work? At the grocery store? At the doctor's office? A bar? What if you aren't wearing makeup; are you supposed to be prepared for a handsome stranger to show up at any time? That's exhausting. And what if you strike up a conversation with a guy who seems great, only to discover he's taken, or gay, or...?

 

This is why people date online. Online dating provides you a platform to meet people who you can guarantee are interested in romantic interaction (at least sex, if not dating and long-term relationships), at your own time, according to your own terms. There isn't a "type" of person who dates online. It has nothing to do with you or your options. It just provides you with a means of meeting far more eligible people than you could ever hope to meet while doing your own thing.

 

Think about it: you could either mind your own business and maybe meet AT MOST two or three men you MIGHT actually want to date per month, or you could stay at home and go on two dates a week with guys you already know meet some of your particular criteria. We all know dating is a numbers game. Why would you handicap yourself?

 

This ^^^. Exactly.

 

It’s been 6 years since I did OLD, and I am fit, attractive, look young for my age, and not crazy. I actually really liked it and met many good guys. I preferred OLD for the reasons stated above and the following:

 

1. I am a terrible flirt with men I don’t know

2. I would never approach a man unless I knew without a doubt he was single and available

3. I could see a profile for each person who contacted me so I knew he was single/available and I knew some information about him (providing he was honest)

4. I met so many men (including current bf) who I would NEVER have met in person if not for the online medium

 

It was successful for me and many others I know for all the reasons stated above.

[Mrin]

Related but i'll bring it home at the end.

 

About 6 months ago I was helping a newly divorced friend get "back into the saddle" so to speak. He's in his 50's. Looks like he's in his early 40's. Good looking. Fun. Smart. Worldly. Cool job. Interested in younger women but not too young to be creepy. Has a place in a ski town. Lives in a big city. So, basically the dude should do pretty well.

 

He asked why OLD was such "the thing" these days. This is what I told him.

 

It is "the thing" because it works. I led him on this math exercise. Suppose he went out to a hot spot in his town and went bar hopping all night long looking for the perfect woman for him. How many women would come in contact with (like occupy the same room with). He thought for a few, did some math and finally said, "maybe 1,000". Right, that's a good place to start.

 

So you go out looking for Ms. Right and in the course of your even you cross paths with 1,000 women. How many of them are married? 50%? Okay, so now we're down to 500.

 

How many have boyfriends or someone they're dating? 50%? Now we are down to 250.

 

How many of those women are lesbians? He lives in an area with a high gay population so he said 10%. Down to 225.

 

Now, of those 225, how many are actively looking for a man to date? He said 75%. Down to 168.

 

Of those, how many fall into your target age range? He said 33%. Down to 55.

 

Okay, if I lined up 55 women in your target age range, how many of them would you find attractive enough to date. He said 33%. Down to 18.

 

Now, based on what you want in terms of education, family status, background, etc... all the non looks type stuff, how many of them do you think you'd actually want to date. He said 50%. So we're down to 9.

 

9 women. Out of 1,000 chance encounters in a night of bar hopping. And that's just the women he'd want to date. Not whether they would want to date him. If you really wanted to ferret out those 9 women, you'd have to at least approach all the women that look to be in your age range to find the 9. An impossibility.

 

But, if you go onto OLD and plug in your criteria, you can find those 9 women and hundreds more. Right there. At your fingertips.

 

Now, let's look at this same exercise from a 60 year old rich hottie woman's perspective. She has the exact same challenge except due to social and personal stigma, she can't approach those guys. She has to wait for them to come to her. Hope they come to her. And deal with all of the guys who are outside of her target criteria hitting on her.

 

Not only is it an impossibility, it is downright unpleasant and maybe dangerous. So ya, that's why they're on OLD. I don't blame them.

[Ellener]

'

9 women. Out of 1,000 chance encounters in a night of bar hopping. And that's just the women he'd want to date. Not whether they would want to date him.'

 

Cool Mrin! Puts my 'numbers game question in perspective...

[Rayce]

If that's for me (nicknamed NS rather than NP by CO), I have never cold approached.

 

sorry it was a typo.

[Tamfana]

Can't they find similarly smart, rich, handsome men in the top-of-the-heap communities they live in without OLD?

 

At least some of them view flirting and dating in their communities and workplaces as both too time-consuming and inviting drama and complexity into the parts of their lives that they like as is. I don't even do set-ups from friends any more because so often the guy and I don't hit it off and the friend is disappointed.

 

Married communities want little to do with single/divorced/widowed women so parties and events may be closed off to them.

 

Good point and true! When I got divorced a couple ladies from the neighborhood came over to ask about the house because, as they said, of course I was going to move because this was a family neighborhood. Seriously.

Edited September 13, 2019 by Tamfana

[basil67]

I'm torn....I'm inclined to agree with TFY that they are looking for a unicorn or there's something wrong with them. But I also thing that people who's life circumstance gives them less options (age being one circumstance) need to find ways to create a broader market.

 

Slightly off topic, I feel sad for the single people who don't get invited to events. The groups I belong to would never shun a single friend. What is wrong with people!

[SumGuy]

Spent about 20 years around the Westchester crowd, not born into it though.

 

 

... Serious, career and family-minded people.

Yes, but not in the way you may think.

 

 

Super smart.

Not any smarter than other socioeconomic groups but they do have every academic advantage available legal and illegal.

 

 

They work hard.

lol not really, not above average and certainly less that than people cleaning their skyscrapers. They may put in long hours at work, very different thing. They have the resources to outsource all the day-to-day and hire people to help them with everything else.

 

 

Of course, perhaps the new money that broke into those towns was smart and worked hard, but those who came from it certainly would have you believe they didn't have any advantages that made life easier for them.

 

 

They play hard (Aspen, Hawaii, Europe but stay in hotels rather than hostels).

Here is where you really underestimate the amount of wealth. They stay in the condo they own, which they may rent out off season. Otherwise they rent a house. If you work it right the tax payer picks up the tab, that is, where you stay is at a company owned asset (business expense), since of course you are always "working" especially if you meet a client or customer.

 

 

They send their kids to top colleges and often get them internships, jobs, and residencies where they themselves work.

Yes, the later is called nepotism but there are plenty of friends who can give them a chance. And once they have that on their resume they have experience that the have-nots can't get.

 

 

If they cheat, I guess (don't know) they are discreet enough to not be outed publicly.

Correction, they have the money and lawyers to keep it from getting public. If you mean cheating during marriage, that certainly is talked about but that is why the divorce settlement always has an NDA.

 

 

I guess as some posters have suggested, the women don't want to have flings with the single guys 'at the club'. But I don't get what they expect to find on an OLD site.

see what lala-bananna said in post #15

 

 

Guys like me might be decent enough human beings, but I certainly don't have the kind of money to travel and socialize at the levels these women are used to.

You don't necessarily have to if you are a great companion and what they are looking for.

 

 

BTW Match used to have a 'salary' criteria that they have since removed. The women I'm referring to would typically state their own salaries as well as that of the men they were looking for as north of $100k - which isn't out of line for where they live.

Not sure what the salary categories are but a "cheap" home (you know a tear down) can be $5million in the low end of those kind of towns. Country club membership not included. Of course that is just the work home, not your vacation home(s) or apartment in NYC for when you work late.

The low end are towns for the small time CEOs and execs who are making like $1-2 million a year in salary, but of course at that level it is the grants, and options that are the real source of income.