What’s wrong with me

[Always_struggling]

I’m not sure if I have put this in the right section, and I’m just looking for help really. I’m seriously thinking something is desperately wrong with me. I’m a 35 year old male and split with my gf of 8 months 2 months ago, we got on great (or at least I thought we did) never argued but probably due to the fact that we only see each other 2-3 times a week, it wasn’t really long distance, 1 hour drive tops, but due to our different working schedules, and her having 2 kids (I have none) we could only really see each other on the weekends if the youngest child stayed at his dads/family or if took her out during the week. She was very insecure when I met her, she is a big girl with some issues and I’m quite gym fit with issues as well, but her face and personality drew me to her there was a spark inside me, I always made her feel desirable and sexy because to me she was never gave her any doubt that she wasn’t the one I wanted

 

We decided to take it slow as I didn’t want to be that guy who comes in to their family home and unsettles the household, and I wanted to make sure we were serious about each other before involving the kids (I had been in a relationship in my early 20s with a woman with a 2 year old, and spent almost everyday with that child and it broke my heart more to lose her then it did the mum when her mum ended it 6 months later)

 

Everything was going well I had just recently purchased my own place 2 months in and I’d go pick her up and she’d stay over on the weekend leaving her eldest(16) at home, the eldest was getting into trouble with the police a lot and started isolating hisself from the world and was going through a hard time didn’t get on with the dad and even saying stuff about me before we had even met, which gave more concern about actually meeting them, ex gf tried to make us meet within the 1st month of dating which I said no to as I want to see where this goes before involving the kids, I get that they are a package deal but found it strange to want to rush this seeing as we had probably only met 4 times. And she agreed saying it’s fine and probably wasn’t the best idea.

 

I recently meet her family without the kids and they all approved of me if you will, they were full of praise and happy to see their sister happy, we had a good night and she came back to mine where she told me she had fallen in love with me, and I said the same, you could feel it coming the weeks before but I think we were either scared to say it first or just waiting the other out. we then made plans to go out with her sisters again the following week but she ended up cancelling due to the sad making problems I said that’s fine, we can do something tomorrow but she hardly spoke to me that night, we would spend hours talking every night to hardly nothing on this night, I understood she was upset so told her I’m here if needed,

 

We met the next day and it felt normal albeit she was distant and texting on her phone a lot I thought nothing of it and ended our date as always kissing and cuddling for an hour talking just being with each other, Then i noticed she doesn’t communicate with me as much and thought something is a miss, we met once again a few days later and all felt normal again lots of intimacy between us and ending with I love you. We made plans for a few days later but something came up and she pushed it back twice which again was fine with me as I understand her kids took priority. I then started making plans to meet her kids and to take the relationship to the next level as I knew we were both serious about one another, but an hour before we were supposed to meet, she text me to say sorry, she’s not feeling it anymore and thinks it’s time to call it quits and How I’m a great guy but it’s not working. Literally 2 weeks after declaring our love for one another if you will, I admitted to her I thought we were moving forward and how I we were at a time to bring us all together but I had a feeling something had changed with her and it’s fine I accept and there was no need to be sorry.

 

Being a recent love shack stalker I knew it was best for me to keep no contact haven’t heard from her since, it broke my heart so much that I contemplated ending my life lost 22 kg in the space of 5 weeks and literally was a shell of a person the last 3-4 weeks I’ve done everything I read you’re supposed to do after a break up cut her out of my life tried eating healthy again and connecting with old friends but I’m still broken I feel so lonely It hurts, the negative voice kicks in and tells me I will never find someone and will be alone forever. I try to fight this voice but saying positive affirmations even sleep meditating. I know I don’t love myself but I don’t know why?

 

I got talking to a 39 y.o woman recently on line who on paper she’s miles better than my ex. career driven no kids and great personality owns her own place like me attractive but not what I usually go for but we got on great and decided to have our first date which went amazing 5 hours in the conversation was flowing we were both laughing and I didn’t think of my ex at all it ended with us making out and her getting hands on albeit the kissing was very strange on her part but I brushed it off thinking that’s just how she kisses and everyone is different, she text me an hour later saying she had a great time and thanked me for the evening and said she can’t wait to see me again, then she contacts me less and less and my mind goes crazy like I’m losing all the progress I made, thinking great she’s rejecting me now as well, so I messaged her saying I get the impression you have lost interest which if you have I understand I won’t be offended if that’s the case I get it it’s called dating, it was nice to have met you. She reply’s with of course not just been busy but still is very distant. I’m trying to play it cool and still be the guy I was before the date but she has definitely lost interest but won’t admit it to me for some unknown reason

 

And again my mind is going crazy literally waiting for her to reject me which I can feel coming and again I will be all alone and I can’t cope on my own I don’t know why I feel so pathetic

[schlumpy]

I am absolutely baffled as to why this has happened or is happening to you. I cannot find anything that you did wrong. Maybe better, with the value of hindsight, but not enough to elicit the type of responses you have endured.

 

Is it possible that it’s just bad luck? Three flakes in a row?

 

Normally I would say soldier on. Stay focused on your goals and don’t worry about what you can’t control. Looks like you have been doing just that, but at a personal cost. Before the next dump day pause and ask, “what is the sense in moving forward only to fail again?” Your breakups seem so similar it makes me feel with certainty that there is some common cause that could be corrected if you knew what it was.

 

I’m going to suggest you do some detective work. Find out the reason your last GF dumped you. You met her family so would they perhaps cooperate in telling you. Do you have some friends that can run interference and find out without your direct involvement? Can you still see her social media or can friends view it to gather clues?

 

I think you need an answer to why the sudden 180 to ease the anxiety.

 

Other than that, try again or become a monk but you can’t solve a problem without the correct information.

[Always_struggling]

Thanks for the reply

 

I can’t see it being bad luck as my ex fiancé (after the woman with the little girl) physically and emotionally abused me for 3 years out of the 6 we were together, the one after that lied and cheated in the most disrespectful way possible, right under my nose, flaunting her new lover all over Facebook whilst we were trying for a child and I was the last to know, then I met my final one with the 2 boys after taking time out to concentrate on my life and get to what I thought was a good point in my life only to finally drop my guard and fall for in love and then have her ditch me by such a blasé text.

 

We have no mutual friends in common and I dare not ask the family at the risk of looking like a crazy obsessed stalker, and I can’t bring myself to look at her social media in risk of doing myself more harm, a week after the break up she accidentally pocket dialled me which I honestly believe was a kick him why he’s down kind of thing and heard a mans voice which only leads me to believe she met someone else or got back with her ex baby daddy’s,

 

What’s worse is I have only a couple of friends now as my abusive ex made me lose all my old close friends due to her manipulative ways and although I tried to reconnect they don’t wanna know, which I can understand. I just don’t know what it is that draws these types of women to me or me them

[Always_struggling]

The worst thing about this is the last ex had a lot of flaws (obsessive drinking where it’s bordering on alcoholism, no real ambition in life and quite overweight and always loaning about it but won’t put the chocolate bars or crisps down which sounds shallow of me I know but I still fell for her) which a lot of people in my situation wouldn’t accept. The few people I have told have said I dodged a bull it and she doesn’t deserve me and at times I even questioned myself if it’s what I really want in my life but I ignored the feelings and red flags and now sit here alone miserable thinking she’s out living her best life. She even said to me I’m everything she dreamed of in a man. So why end it such a callous way. And why has my mind put her on a pedestal thinking she is my only means of happiness.

 

And the new one I started dating (which in fairness I probably am not ready to date) is not my type, comes across as arrogant and very high maintenance albeit we do get on well. Feels like she’s playing games with me and my brain again is overthinking every text and conversation we have and is putting on her on another pedestal in fear of rejection again, I tried finding out what’s wrong with me and I’m positive I don’t love myself and have no self esteem that’s why I settle for these people in fear of being alone. I can’t stop and I don’t know why

[schlumpy]

That's pretty good self analysis, now what are you going to do to improve yourself or learn to cope?

 

I think you should consider therapy. It might take a few months but it also might save you years of heartache.

[balletomane]

I agree with schlumpy. I was in an abusive relationship that ended in spring 2015. I was diagnosed with PTSD and I've had both group counselling and 1:1 therapy. In the group counselling I noticed a pattern. People who have been in abusive relationships tend to either rush out and date unsuitable people, because they're terrified of being alone and feel they can't cope, or else they get paralysed with fright and what-ifs and avoid dating like the plague. I'm more in the second category and it sounds as if you're more in the first. Before we can date in a healthy way, it's important to become aware of our own needs, difficulties, and patterns. This is exactly what therapy is for and I really hope you pursue it. It's definitely changed my life - I'm much more assertive than I used to be, generally happier, and I have a clearer idea of what I do and don't want. With patience and perseverance, it's possible to change how you think about yourself.

[Always_struggling]

I have made an appointment to see the doctor and hopefully get some help with my issue. As far as helping myself I really don’t know what to do, I don’t have a big circle of friends to distract myself from the thoughts of the ex, I’ve tried getting out of the house even as far as going to another country for a long weekend but the constant thoughts are still there.

 

I can’t understand how my ex could go from telling me she loves me for the first time to then dumping me by text. I know people say she would of been pulling away for some time but she didn't it took her probably less than 2 weeks from going normal to changing.

[schlumpy]

I can’t understand how my ex could go from telling me she loves me for the first time to then dumping me by text. I know people say she would of been pulling away for some time but she didn't it took her probably less than 2 weeks from going normal to changing.

 

I question whether knowing the answer to why she dumped you would be the start of your healing. I think it would lead to other questions. It's like when they sent the Viking lander to Mars to answer the question: is there life on Mars? We ended up with more questions with answers.

 

You are still too deeply involved with her to pay attention to her answer or even acknowledge it. It's just a subconscious mechanism you are using to contact her again.

 

You are going to have to suffer through this with the knowledge that everyone in the world has been in your position at some point in their life. The girl who dumped you has or will be there also one day.

 

I had an ex who dumped me approach me out of the blue a couple years later excited to tell me that she had fallen in love and been dumped by another and she knew exactly how I had felt when she did it.

 

I said, "Good for you," and walked away. I not sure what she expected.

 

Make sure all your memorabilia that concern her is gone. You can burn in a ritualistic fashion to signify your acceptance and release, you can put it in the dumpster or box it up and put it out of sight.

 

Change your environment. Move the furniture around where you live. Put down a new rug. Change the pictures on the wall. Anything that will break up your old routine.

[Always_struggling]

Thank you Schlumpy, I have done everything you suggested already by hiding all gifts and memories of her, even as far as writing a letter to her and burning it. I have lost all motivation to do anything in my life I jumped straight back into on line dating to the point itÂ’s become an obsession to try and find someone to fill the void in my life but I honestly wish I could fill that on my own, I just donÂ’t know how

[Always_struggling]

Thank you Schlumpy, I have done everything you suggested already by hiding all gifts and memories of her, even as far as writing a letter to her and burning it. I have lost all motivation to do anything in my life I jumped straight back into on line dating to the point itÂ’s become an obsession to try and find someone to fill the void in my life but I honestly wish I could fill that on my own, I just donÂ’t know how