OLD & numbers game?

[SumGuy]

I am currently using Match. I'm upper 50's but far from "square". What I have noticed is that guys my age are all looking for younger. There date range always seems to start with the max being their age or younger. If I limit my filter to within my area which includes Seattle and has pictures I get 1885 matches. If I limit it to just what I want then I have 419 matches. I am all for changing the way I approach things so this time I want to reach out more but I am not sure how to do that. Tell me about these messages that you get from women. What about them gets you to respond?

 

tks!

First, I assume you are not interested in men where you reaching out is a negative thing or against what they want gender role wise.

 

I really appreciate when a women reaches out to me first. I will always check out her profile and if find her interesting, AND not already "overbooked" with women messaging/meeting, will reach out. I tend to only interact with 3-4 women max in the searching / still meeting phase.

 

Messages that have parts that are judgmental (I know welcome to the women's on line dating world) are a big negative. Can't recall ever responding to those; although did always check out the profile to see if I was misreading the judgmental tone.

 

A short reach out like: I find you interesting, like this photo, hi how are you, always wanted to go there, etc...are all fine, even just a hi. Really the mere fact she reached out to me I respect and so I will look at her profile. It is her profile that determines it for me.

 

A quick caveat...I guess there are people like that get all judgey about short messages, and read all sorts of character traits or interest level into such messages...not me...so take my comments in that vein.

 

Now I will say a message that connects with something in my profile can work wonders. The current person I'm seeing (for about 2 years thought there was break) reached out to me with a comment on a book I read that was the kind only a person who read it and the kinds of books I like would make. It could have also been about my world view or interest. The thing is I felt like she was a kindred spirit.

I checked out her profile, like the words (though few as she was new to it) and her photo was not great and looked many years old (just one and a partial body shot at that). So according to some OLD "rules" I should have passed. I didn't pass as her words connected with me.

[mr_ybor]

I'm not sure what you mean by square. It's a term from the 50's and certainly know what it means from the 60s, 70, 80s, and 90s. What does it mean today?

 

Yeah, none of what you're talking about, specifically (man, you sound old fashioned, BTW). I mean got offered a $70k/yr. job & to smoke weed with a manager from an engineering firm here in the same conversation one night, LOL! I don't think you get how is nowadays. Side note: I don't smoke weed.

 

'Basic' is the word the "kids" use today. More in that sense of things. Women on Match were super basic... and half the profiles looked straight-up fake. I could use the word 'townie' to describe the demo on there, too.

 

Overall, it's a worthless site, IMO. I've got no likes on there and one or two messages sitting in my inbox after eight years of having a profile on there. No bueno.

Edited September 19, 2019 by mr_ybor

[Rayce]

I mean got offered a $70k/yr. job & to smoke weed with a manager from an engineering firm here in the same conversation one night, LOL! I don't think you get how is nowadays. Side note: I don't smoke weed.

 

Dang... maybe I should move to FL after all. lol... except I don't recall weed being legal there except as medical only... unlike WA where I just hop in my car and go buy a joint if I so desire.

[mr_ybor]

Dang... maybe I should move to FL after all. lol... except I don't recall weed being legal there except as medical only... unlike WA where I just hop in my car and go buy a joint if I so desire.

 

It's 2019. People have been getting cards for their "anxiety", "insomnia", "knee pain", etc. en masse for a while now (same goes for Arizona)... not to mention people have smoked pot without it being legal like, forever now. It's friggin' Florida after all: People smoking pot are the responsible and professional ones. The ones running around naked on bath salts with an alligator under arm are "bad" ones.

 

It'll pass to full legal here next time it comes up on the ballot, I'm fairly certain. The influx of young people (and Boomers kicking off) to the area pretty much guarantee it.

[mr_ybor]

One of my female friends just met her now fiance on Match. I don't think the whole swiping thing is good for OLD at all.

 

Well, like I said, I've had a (non-paying) profile on there for 8+ years and have no likes and two messages and I've lived in three decently sized cities... and my only male friend who tried Match wasted a year and paid however absurd much on their ripoff pricing and got nothing out of it.

 

On the other hand, I've got plenty of friends and acquaintances who met their S.O.s and gone on dates from the free sites and swipe-based apps. Last guy I know who got a date was from Bumble... not that I've had any luck with it.

[normal person]

I mean I actually have a Match account, it's been around since I tried it way back in my Portland, circa eight years or so ago now. I've updated it periodically with location, newer photos, and info, but I've got like zero likes and two messages in my inbox and I'm pretty sure one of them is the initial admin welcome message. I mean, I know women message men less than vice versa, but TWO messages in ~8 years, in three different metros?! Yeah, a not lot of incentive to ante up there.

 

I just haven't heard anyone in my friend circle mention using it in forever now. If I remember right, something like five years ago, one of my buddies payed for the six months, then got the six months free when he never got a single date off it. Pretty much said it was a waste of time. It's all Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and whatnot nowadays. Maybe a few of us still hanging out on Ok Cupid, but that's pretty much gone to trash as well. You can message on there but no one ever reads them, I don't think. They don't see it if they don't mutual match or happen across your profile whilst browsing. I make the effort anyway if they seem interesting. In general, guys like me just don't want to send hundreds of concerted efforts into the void, and women don't want to be bombarded by hundreds of low effort copy pasta from dudes they're not into, hence we're all on swipe based apps nowadays.

 

I was using Match as recently as two years ago when I was single, and I found it to be just as good as the other aps, if not better. Plenty of attention from very successful, attractive women on a consistent basis. For a while I was a holdout to Tinder as I thought it seemed too superficial (I mean, it's all superficial to an extent but the "swiping" ones seemed to be the most egregious), and I met plenty of women who had the same hesitation.

 

Unless things have changed (and they very well may have), I think you might find that the younger crowd that came of dating age where Tinder/Bumble were the default aps are more accepting of the "swipe," and the older crowd (30s+) still feels some reservation and/or shame about it, and that's where Match's niche is. The advantage is that if you are looking for "your people," you can filter a bit, you don't have to assess every profile to advance, and the profiles encourage you to get a better sense of the person. Ninety percent of the best "matches" I had came off of Match, not Bumble/Tinder.

[Rayce]

As an older adult the problem I have with the whole swipe right stuff is that I am left handed so it does not come naturally. I get confused about what swiping right means and what swiping left means....

 

I am clueless...

[SumGuy]

Yeah, none of what you're talking about, specifically (man, you sound old fashioned, BTW).

Thank you, I think Assuming it means something different than when I was younger.

Yeah you may be hard pressed to see me as anything other than "basic" on my profile, that's cool, after all that's part of the point and even more so I'm interested in women who "get it." So far no problem finding them.

 

I get the "townie" thing, never really did till I moved east of the Mississippi. You ever think of moving out west? Portland OR has a different vibe than Tampa. You ever live in NYC, Brooklyn could be the place for you as well. Both places have plenty of non-basic women.

 

I mean got offered a $70k/yr. job & to smoke weed with a manager from an engineering firm here in the same conversation one night, LOL! I don't think you get how is nowadays. Side note: I don't smoke weed.

IIRC you are in your 30's so you never lived through the drug war of the 80s where people with a joint had their, boat, car and house taken through seizure laws. Some of the biggest fans of seizure laws now sit at the highest level of Federal government. Just because people you meet at a bar think weed is no big deal, it's not them you need to worry about. I'll guess that Tampa police may be low key but never saw such a bail bond industry in my life. Made me think there is a whole business built around arresting people there but for what have no idea.

 

Overall, it's a worthless site, IMO. I've got no likes on there and one or two messages sitting in my inbox after eight years of having a profile on there. No bueno.

Figure it is more than just in your opinion but your actual experience. Does fascinate me how our experiences are so different, but not enough to beat a dead horse.

[SumGuy]

As an older adult the problem I have with the whole swipe right stuff is that I am left handed so it does not come naturally. I get confused about what swiping right means and what swiping left means....

 

I am clueless...

It just means you are picking people based solely on look.

Also more of the right-hand dominant culture trying to enforce right-hand good, left-hand bad on us all. Nothing sinister about the left-hand , just keep your left hand free.

Full disclosure: I'm ambidextrous, was great fun in little league messing with pitchers when you just moved to the other side of the plate.

[mr_ybor]

IIRC you are in your 30's so you never lived through the drug war of the 80s where people with a joint had their, boat, car and house taken through seizure laws. Some of the biggest fans of seizure laws now sit at the highest level of Federal government. Just because people you meet at a bar think weed is no big deal, it's not them you need to worry about. I'll guess that Tampa police may be low key but never saw such a bail bond industry in my life. Made me think there is a whole business built around arresting people there but for what have no idea.

 

Is that the war that the drugs won? I do vaguely remember Nancy Regan and all the scare mongering and absurd prison sentences.

 

Think about it this way: It's almost 2020, if you go back to even 1989, that's thirty years ago. Thing's have changed a lot, thankfully. In any case, I don't do any drugs (outside alcohol and caffeine) so it doesn't matter to me.

 

I get the "townie" thing, never really did till I moved east of the Mississippi. You ever think of moving out west? Portland OR has a different vibe than Tampa. You ever live in NYC, Brooklyn could be the place for you as well. Both places have plenty of non-basic women.

 

I lived in Portland, Oregon for six years. It's alright. The weather sucks. Also, you think I could afford NYC? Rents there are insane.

 

Townies are pretty much everywhere. It's not geographical at all. Just way more so as you get out of the city centers / neighborhoods and out into the 'burbs. Get yourself to any bar that has a dad rock cover band, a lack of craft beer, and a couple of Harleys parked out front and and you've arrived, LOL. I absolutely abhor those joints.

Edited September 21, 2019 by mr_ybor

[SumGuy]

...

I lived in Portland, Oregon for six years. It's alright. The weather sucks.

My take on Portland is that it is a great place to be if you are late 20 early 30 something and looking for non-basic people. Especially if active. Having lived in similar active cities, and knowing a late 20 something in Portland, weather is nothing. I mean if you get outdoors a lot you just wear the appropriate gear for the weather.

And if you can't afford it you make it, like I bought some cheap cleats once to stud my mountain bike tires so could ride better in winter and on ice (hint tape over the backs).

 

Also, you think I could afford NYC? Rents there are insane.

Plenty of young people seem to do it and have known a few that did. Are the places small, yes, room mates, most likely, money tight, sure, maybe live in a neighborhood that is dicey at night, sure. It depends on what you are willing to work at and do to be in the heart of a city that never sleeps with more non-basic people than you could ever hope to meet.

 

Are you sure you are not basic? Only alcohol and caffeine, weather is big a factor for you and you are more worried about rent than social life? That sounds like Florida retiree thinking to me. Just teasing.

[mr_ybor]

My take on Portland is that it is a great place to be if you are late 20 early 30 something and looking for non-basic people.

 

Meh, It's okay. Portland weirdos are more in line with indie rock / folky hipsters, chompers, woke, free-spirit types, where here there's more rockers, metalheads, goths, rivetheads, and similar misanthropy. I'd even pick Denver over Portland in that regard. Portland does have a good local music scene, though. I didn't find it any great shakes so far as dating there, though (granted I was only single the last year I was there).

 

 

Are you sure you are not basic?

 

I wish my interests were "basic", but alas, they're not.

Edited September 23, 2019 by mr_ybor

[normal person]

I lived in Portland, Oregon for six years. It's alright. The weather sucks. Also, you think I could afford NYC? Rents there are insane.

 

Didn't you say you were successful and had bought a Lotus and other luxury cars? Plenty of people live here on less than stellar salaries. If you're a "top guy" like you said, I'm sure you wouldn't have issues. I don't think I've ever met anyone who can't find success with OLD here, in fact, I think everyone is often spoiled for choice. Match and OKCupid were still alive and well here when I was single.

 

Townies are pretty much everywhere. It's not geographical at all. Just way more so as you get out of the city centers / neighborhoods and out into the 'burbs. Get yourself to any bar that has a dad rock cover band, a lack of craft beer, and a couple of Harleys parked out front and and you've arrived, LOL. I absolutely abhor those joints.

 

'Sounds like you'd enjoy Brooklyn quite a bit.

[mr_ybor]

Didn't you say you were successful and had bought a Lotus and other luxury cars? Plenty of people live here on less than stellar salaries. If you're a "top guy" like you said, I'm sure you wouldn't have issues. I don't think I've ever met anyone who can't find success with OLD here, in fact, I think everyone is often spoiled for choice. Match and OKCupid were still alive and well here when I was single.

 

I wouldn't say I've been "super successful", nor do I claim I'm a "top guy"... that would be entirely subjective depending on what one would value. I made in the region of $80k/yr. at my peak, which is decent for Arizona where the wages are notoriously low... but then, cost of living is low there too for a sizable metro. I'm freelancing these days and making a good bit less, but I also have huge flexibility with my time. I can take that with me, but it wouldn't make the rent in a non-skeesy parts of NYC (or anywhere decent in California, for that matter).

 

As for my cars, I bought them second hand, made car payments (I own my "boring" car outright today), and already had girlfriends at the time. I really wasn't making crazy money when I bought them. A $40k car on a six year loan isn't that crazy... not a great way to save money either (though, with the Lotus, I rolled a big chunk of it into the HELOC).

 

Historically, the better I've done financially, the less interested women were in me. I was 36 and unemployed when I met my last GF.