I think I need to call it off

[jackofmany]

Let's see if I can be brief, but fair. This is a question regarding when and how to call off a relatively new relationship.

 

Let me try to explain why I think this is necessary, and then hopefully you guys can weigh in on how you would handle it.

 

So about six months ago I was dumped by a woman I'd dated for about two years. There were a lot of signs that was the way it was headed, but it hurt like hell and I was reeling from it for at least three months after it happened, at which point I started to tell myself I should be looking forward rather than backwards.

 

I went out on a few dates, nothing serious. I was pretty upfront with everyone that I was not looking for anything serious. This went on for about a month, and then, out of the blue, I got a text from a woman I tried to ask out 10 years ago.

 

I had a huge crush on her then, but as it turned out I was not the only guy trying to ask her out, and she had just begun dating someone when I did ask her, so she respectfully declined. All good.

 

I forgot about her entirely. Then she sends this text.

 

As it turns out, she went ahead and had a couple of kids with that guy and lived through what I am now discovering was quite a nightmare of abuse, for her and her kids. Not physical abuse, but nothing pretty either.

 

Anyway, I agreed to meet up with and go for a walk and we hit it off pretty well. Over the next several weeks we went on more dates and things started to get intimate. She knew I had been dating other people, and she felt like maybe it was early to say it, but she didn't want to be intimate with someone who was dating other people. I understood this and stopped hooking up with other people.

 

For whatever reason, I found that the more we hung out, the more anxious I would get. It isn't that I don't find her attractive. I do. To be blunt, she isn't as attractive as my last girlfriend, the one who dumped me, but truthfully, few people are.

 

At times, I really do enjoy hanging out with this girl quite a bit and so I figured maybe the nerves were something that would wear off. But lately I found myself thinking that I just could not quite get comfortable with her. Maybe it is the family thing. I am not sure I am ready to step into a relationship that brings with it all of the concerns that two young kids demand.

 

I realize the kids are not my responsibility, but there is no way around the fact that she has to structure her life around them. In fact, she kept wanting me to meet them. Bear in mind, this is less than two months into dating. To me, that felt way early. But at a certain point, I though, "Well, maybe that's why you feel anxious. Maybe if you meet the kids and that goes well, you will feel differently."

 

So I did. I met her kids. I just visited their house and hung out for a bit, careful to have a more measured interaction with their mother e.g. no real physical contact, etc . . . just kind of hung out and played along.

 

And I loved the kids. I love most kids, to be honest. I get along very easily with them and vice-versa. But even so, I found myself getting more anxious, not less. Maybe it is because they aren't my kids. Maybe not. More likely it is that at their ages, 6 and 2, the need for her life to be very structured is real, and the need for her to continue to work on a routine with her ex (they have some ad-hoc shared custody thing they are doing), means I am stepping into a full on family dynamic the further I go with this.

 

So anyway, at some junction it became clear to me this was not going to last. I still enjoy hanging out, but realistically I can't do much more than meet up like once or twice a week when the kids are not around. I liked those kids way too much and, as importantly, they liked me way too much, for me to get in the habit of being around them. It might have been a mistake to even meet them once.

 

It's not that I don't like the woman, or find her attractive. It's just that in my heart of hearts I know she is looking for more than I am going to be able to give her at this time.

 

I came to this conclusion like a week and a half ago, but we haven't had a conversation about it yet. Later today her kids are going to be away and we are going to meet up for a few hours. I feel like I have to talk to her then. But I am nervous about it.

 

She likes me a lot. I know she does. I like her too. I just can't see how our lives will really work together. Right now, I am living very much a bachelor's life as far as not having to answer to anyone and being pretty spontaneous with how I spend my time. I am not ready for that to change radically right away.

 

She is clear about what she wants. She wants someone who will eventually integrate into her family. The last time we talked about anything like that I explained to her that my last relationship ended partially because the woman I was dating wanted answers to questions like, "Where is this going?" when I was not prepared to give a definite answer.

 

So fair play to her for leaving that relationship, as much as it bummed me out and made me think I should have been more decisive and just moved in with her or something.

 

Still, having just come through a real tough time getting over that, I don't feel like I am ready to have a completely different woman asking similar questions after only two months. I was just starting to enjoy being single, to be honest.

 

One little twist in all this is that AFTER I came to to the conclusion, and I mean right after, that things were likely to have to end between me and this new woman, who should show up out of the blue after six months of no contact? Of course . . . my ex.

 

She and I talked a bit and it was obvious there was still some spark, even if that only came from nostalgia or whatever. But it was there.

 

I feel only slightly relieved that this exchange with the ex came AFTER I realized I probably needed to end things with the new girl I say that because there is no doubt it did mess with my head, and if I were ending something that had the potential to grow into something real (In the long run I do want a family, and I am not averse to helping someone with their kids; like I said, I love kids), in order to pursue a fantasy of the past, I'd be pretty disappointed in myself.

 

That being said, I do find the anxiety levels rising.

 

My gut feeling is I could string this new relationship along a while longer if I were just selfish about it. You know, kind of just dated on my terms until she had to force another conversation about it. But that doesn't seem right.

 

I need to talk to this woman tonight.

 

I know I've rambled, and maybe I am painting an unflattering picture of myself here . . . but what do you think, and how would you proceed?

[scooby-philly]

What do you want? Right now? In five years? Everyone has a different need and timeline when it comes to healing from a previous relationship. Of course, there are some standards based on time of the relationship (6 months vs 6 years isn't the same) and intensity level (living together, engaged, married, kids, financial entanglement etc.). So while there's guidelines or general rules of thumb, only you know what you need and where you stand on certain issues.

 

From what you shared it's pretty clear you do not want anything that would involved major constraints on your life. That doesn't make you a bad person and it doesn't mean you don't want to have and/or help raise kids in the future (which seems to be the major consideration in your story) - but this new woman has made it clear where she stands and you made it clear from your post how you feel. Feelings should never be ignored. The worst thing to do is put yourself in a situation where you feel resentment in a few weeks, months, or worse, years.

 

It seems like you recognize where you both stand and perhaps your anxiety is from not wanting to hurt her, which is a good quality.

 

I think, at this point, the fair, honest, and "good" thing to do is tell how how you feel and say - you don't want to hurt her feelings, you don't want to hurt her kids, and you don't want to waste her time. If you want to give her the option and say "i still like you and we can string this along" until you change your mind or i do - that's honest and it gives her control to make her own choice. Not saying it's the best idea, but at least that way there's no bitterness in her.

[jackofmany]

Thanks a lot. I hear you.

 

I think your read on things is accurate. I guess the hard part is going to be how to bring the conversation up in the first place. We didn't plan to get together tonight to "talk" per se. It's just the few hours she had where her kids were going to be away, so we agreed to hang out.

 

I find that I am pretty lousy at bringing these kinds of things up. That's something I need to work on for sure. Too often, I have let things go on when I knew they were going to have to end. That's come back to bit me more than once, including my last break up.

 

I guess there is no real non-awkward way to start such a conversation, and since I can't count on her doing so, I'm going to have to figure out some way or another.

 

You know, she's a fully functioning, mature, responsible and independent woman. Why I am making such a big deal out of needing to have a conversation I don't know. I'm sure she'd rather have one now than as you said "waste her time."

 

I mean, I know we are having fun . . . but I think if she knew I were feeling these things that would probably be her take on it.

 

Thanks again.

Edited September 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[divegrl]

Hi!

 

Break up with her tonight.

 

Do not be specific about your reasons. Just say it’s not working out.

 

Have a beautiful day my friend!!!!

[scooby-philly]

[No, she deserves to know the truth.

 

OP,

 

I wouldn't get into nitty gritty details with her, but tell her the high level truth. You recognize what she wants and you don't think you're ready for it.

 

And a lot of people, myself included, need to work on communicating a bit better and also recognizing what we want and need at any given time and communicating that in all of our relationships - romantic, friendship, family, etc.

Edited September 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Mrin]

Yeah you definitely have to say something. I would do it tonight or as soon as you possibly can. I would agree with the poster above to stay out of the nitty-gritty details. I would just focus in on that despite her being an amazing woman, this just doesn't feel right to you. you know enough about yourself to know that if it doesn't feel right in your gut you shouldn't try to force it or figure it out. That you just have to respect your gut instinct and go with it. You wish her all the best.

 

Don't leave any doors open. Don't make it long and drawn-out.

[MsJayne]

You want out, just tell her. I wouldn't mention the kids because that'd be really hurtful to her. Just tell her you met up with your ex and realised you can't give a relationship a proper go because you'd get back with the ex tomorrow if you could.

[TheFinalWord]

Bro,

 

First thing, she did not just start dating some guy when you asked her out. You were her back-up plan. Just tell her that when you met her kids, you realized how much responsibility this was going to be and you just don't have the capacity to give it.

Edited September 13, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Lotsgoingon]

You're making this way too complicated, which is easy to do ... when you want to be a kind and open-minded person.

 

We have the right to not date anyone we don't want to date. We have the right (and the duty, if we believe in honesty) to change our minds and change our minds an hour before a date ... or in the middle of a date. Your anxiousness was and is the sign that this relationship isn't going to work for you. Isn't working for you.

 

Forget kids, forget how pretty she is ... or isn't ... if you feel anxious, pause or stop. You don't need to know why.

 

Tip for next time: You do not want to meet kids when you know you are iffy about dating the person in the first place. Also, her push to get you to meet the kids before you wanted to ... was a red flag that this woman and you were not aligned in your feelings and intentions. I sense you felt being "nice" required you to meet the kids. In fact, you are under no obligation to meet someone's kids ... til you want to meet the kids. And if you're the slightest bit hesitant, you do NOT want to meet the kids ... or her family.

 

So, you need to tell her asap, "I'm not feeling comfortable. I don't want to date." You have to put it out there. We have the right and duty in dating--to be honest about our feelings If you're unable or unwilling to be honest with someone, then you are not ready to date. A responsibility of dating is telling people the honest truth, especially if we're uncomfortable with them. The sooner they know (that we don't feel great) the better.

 

And yes, this conversation is awkward ... So what?! ... It's awkward for others to tell us the truth when the shoe is on the other foot. Awkward does not mean cruel or inappropriate. Yes, she will likely feel disappointed. That's fine. She would feel much more disappointment if she knew you had been anxious and ambivalent for a while now. And you don't need a list of reasons. You simply say you don't feel comfortable dating. Repeat as necessary.

 

Good luck. I've been there when I was younger. But you can't successfully date if we pretend we like someone more than we do. It's actually not good for us or for the other person. And don't ignore anxiousness in the future. That can only result in disaster.

[Marc878]

She introduced you to her kids way to early. WARNING SIGN !!!!!!

 

Probably thinks you're a good fit for a better life. End it gracefully but don't leave any doors open.

 

Stay away from rebounds. It sounds like that's what this is.

 

I wouldn't jump back in with the X either. Take your time.

[Goodguy05]

U sound like me a few yrs back same situation I knew deep down I couldn't handle it but tried 6 yrs later lol and we couldn't make it work..kids are a big deal if U enjoy Ur own space and time and stuff like me think carefully before committing wth kids .having said that I miss the kids and what we shared as hard as it was. From the sounds of it this woman wth kids doesn't sound like Ur cup of tea U can see it and hear it in Ur language wen U talk too many doubts..listen to Ur feelings and what guts telling U

[Maddie82]

There is no easy way t break up with someone and there is only one way to do it. Direct and honest.