Statistics - The cheaters dont leave their spouses esp when children involved?

[Rainbows]

Hi,

Id just like to discuss 'in general' - the stats/opinion of cheating spouses...

 

Ive read a few posts on this infidelity board now and on the 'Other man/woman' board...alongside countless articles, blogs, videos etc online(!)...

I feel like my situation is a 'rarity' -

I have a cheating spouse, which when 'caught' - was willing to leave his long term marriage for a incredibly short term affair AND his home and two infant children. (Plus the OW was ALSO in a long term committed relationship, with a home and step child)

 

I know it doesnt change my situation if no one else on earth had ever experienced something similar to me(!) - but I just find it difficult to read and read and read how the moment of being 'caught' brings about such different scenarios for others?...

And the stats for how long affairs last - that not many (after being caught) last more than a year..

 

Sometimes I read what these professionals write with such conviction/listen what my counselor has to say and I think 'oh it will all sort itself out, he'll come to his senses, karma'...

 

My counselor stated that the 6 month mark was when people have a turning point...were 7 months on since he was caught/separated.

 

And sometimes I blame myself and the way I reacted (which was also very out of the ordinary as in I instantly forgave him, which he didnt expect)

 

Whats everyones general opinion of this sort of scenario?

Any direct experience?

Edited September 14, 2019 by Rainbows

[Buffer]

I am so sorry for your pain and situation.

[elaine567]

My guess.

Your marriage was the HS sweetheart variety with both of you being virgins.

Your husband never had the opportunity to sow wild oats or even to test the market to validate himself. He went direct from virgin, to husband, to father.

 

It is not uncommon for people in such marriages to at one point realise they "missed out" on other sexual partners, on other relationships and on "fun". They feel trapped by their situation.

Along came the "understanding" coworker and he decided to run.

[Prudence V]

Whats everyones general opinion of this sort of scenario?

Any direct experience?

 

My H left his xW but the children were older. It was waiting until the children were “old enough” that kept him in that M so long, or he’d have left sooner.

 

As for As that last less than a year after DDay - there are examples on these boards of As lasting decades, featuring dozens of DDays. It all depends on the individuals and their R.

 

There aren’t really accurate stats on any of this kind of thing, because so little of it becomes known outside of the people affected by it. Rather than trying to locate your own situation in some kind of universal pattern, I’d suggest focusing on turning your circumstances into something constructive for you and your kids.

[oldtruck]

Most of the WS are not looking to leave their marriage. They just want the

extra excitement from affair sex. This is why they dump the AP and

they do not leave the marriage

when caught.

Edited September 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[mark clemson]

Believe that is true. There is such a thing as exit affairs, but from what I understand they are the minority. Yours apparently happened to be one of those.

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel like my situation is a 'rarity' -

 

Just because a WS doesn't leave the marriage, doesn't mean he's faithful.

 

So, given your spouse's inclinations, you're faced with two lousy options -

 

- he leaves as your H did and you have to start over

 

- he stays but continues to cheat, either with this OW or others

 

As painful as it is, at least the former truly lets you know where you stand. At some point, it's going to come down to acceptance and forward progress...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MJJean]

Whats everyones general opinion of this sort of scenario?

Any direct experience?

 

I was married when I met my DH. I left the marriage a few months after we met, divorced, and got remarried. It happens.

 

Statistically, marriages that started as affairs have something like a 3% chance of succeeding. That said, even if a spouse leaves a marriage for an AP and that relationship fails it doesn't mean the spouse will want to go back to their marriage.

 

It's been 7 months. I think it's time you started the divorce process and begin to move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

My best friend's husband was cheated on by his ex-wife. They had three young children at the time. She left. She is no longer with her affair partner (it actually burned out pretty quickly) but she also didn't come back asking for another chance.

 

Another mutual friend of ours started an affair when his then-wife was pregnant with their second child. He left for the other woman (who was also married) and if memory serves, they were together for about 2 years before they split. The other woman and her betrayed husband actually reconciled, but our male friend had no intention of trying to put his own marriage back together. He had filed for divorce in the meantime. He is now married to someone else altogether, and by all account, is the happiest he's ever been.

 

My point is that even if the affair itself doesn't last, it doesn't necessarily mean the wayward spouse will want to stay in the marriage. Some do, some don't. Having kids isn't a guarantee that the marriage will survive infidelity.

[somanymistakes]

Nobody here knows the real statistics. Most people make stuff up based on either vague rumors or what they think is likely to be true. Even when they find 'statistics' online, it's almost always just some random blog post with zero source for the information.

 

It's very difficult to get proper statistics on affairs because by their nature they are hidden secrets. People often won't admit they're in one until later. People who do leave for their affair partners often try to keep that quiet. Especially if they're in a state where admitting it might lead to them having to pay a lot of money.

 

What we can say with certainty is that:

 

a lot of men who cheat have no intention of leaving their wives and will drop the OW immediately to try and save their marriage (and then possibly try to take the OW back later once it looks like the marriage is okay)

 

a lot of men who cheat don't know whether they want to break up or not, and will waffle back and forth like crazy. they will agonise over it. they will pick one, then the other. they may come running back months after moving out.

 

a lot of men who cheat have nothing but contempt for their spouses, are already planning their next jump, and will leave as soon as they've 'used up' their spouse. You found out about the affair? Well, guess I can't use you anymore. Later!

 

 

All affairs are not exactly the same.

[S2B]

With my exH - he never intended to divorce - it was me who had to do that - and by the time I told him not to bother coming home - I was sick of him cheating when I was being an amazing wife!

 

He did everything he could to convince me to stay married but I was just SO over someone treating me that way.

 

Sooo, he wanted to stay married but also have weekends away with his OW.

[carhill]

I've no knowledge of statistics but every MW I've known personally, except one if memory serves, did divorce with minor children, though some had both adult and minor children. I only know of one for sure who divorced to be with her affair partner and I know her case well since knowing her for nearly 40 years, and she's been with her exit affair partner for nearly 20 of that now. He had two minor children, she had one adult and one minor.

The exception had minor children when she had her affair, disclosed it after, went through MC, still appears to struggle 15 years later from our conversations, and her children are around 30 now. My bet is she'll never get divorced. I can't verify but apparently her H cheated first. Regardless, infidelity has been part of their M and they're still married over a decade later.

 

OP, unfortunately some people are so globally or situationally self-involved that they can switch other humans off like a light switch and yeah, that includes children. The good news is they can also switch off affair partners too without a care. IMO, if the affair lingered more long-term and didn't easily end when discovered/disclosed, more serious. Flings can be easily forgotten, long term emotional attachments more difficult.

 

To underscore this, the MW in my anecdote recently told me her past affair partner, remember this was over 15 years ago, regularly leaves her a voicemail on her birthday, though they supposedly have no other contact under threat of her H. I could hear her voice change when she described listening to it. That's an attachment. Not good, for the health of the marriage anyway. Whether total NC or not, if his heart and head aren't clear of the affair, it'll haunt the M for a long time IMO.

 

My sympathies. Seen a lot of this stuff. Hopefully you all can find a way to rebuild things. The good news, in general, is men don't easily develop emotional attachments to women so affairs are often for sex and excitement only. If H is one of those guys, then this can fade into the background and you all can move on, presuming he commits to avoiding thrill seeking with other women moving forward.

[Starswillshine]

With my exH - he never intended to divorce - it was me who had to do that - and by the time I told him not to bother coming home - I was sick of him cheating when I was being an amazing wife!

 

He did everything he could to convince me to stay married but I was just SO over someone treating me that way.

 

Sooo, he wanted to stay married but also have weekends away with his OW.

 

This was the case for me as well.

 

Though, he did finally break off the affair. Too little too late.

 

He would not have left. He would come back now if allowed. But no way I'm going back to that hell.

[heartwhole2]

Please don't blame yourself. Would you want your children to blame themselves for not being "good enough" for him to stay? This is entirely on your husband. He's the one with poor boundaries. He's the one who's willing to go a month without seeing his children. I don't think there was any way you could have reacted to get him to stay.

 

Here's the thing . . . if he "comes to his senses," how can you ever trust him again? How can you respect a man who is totally fine with abandoning a baby and a toddler? He's shown you who he really is: somebody completely self-absorbed and lacking empathy. Somebody who will blame his wife all while abandoning and traumatizing her. If he were to decide he wanted to come back, he would need years of therapy and hard work to become a man worthy of your family. Please don't set your bar so low that you will be excited if this man finally chooses you. You are the prize. He is a joke.

[6ix]

Thread continued here: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/690616-revenge

[chillii]

l've seen and read women are more likely to blow up the family and run of with the affair where as men more likely to reconcile for the family.

Make of that what you will.

[Mysterio]

From what I have seen in my lifetime. Anytime there is cheating. It does not result in Divorce. It will take at least 3 or 4 yrs of being in misery that will make get a couple to Divorce.