Is this abuse?

[Tearing]

I believe I’m subject to verbal and physical abuse but I’ve never experienced this so please read furrier.

 

Dating my bf for several years. We are almost retirement age. He has generally been very loving etc. and wants to marry me or at least live together. However that hasn’t happened because of what I feel is his financial irresponsibility. I’ve talked to him a lot and to some extent it’s improved but he also lies to me sometimes about it.

 

In the past when this is happened he seemed understanding and promised me to do better going forward. However over the last several months he hasn’t had this reaction and instead he’s angry and starts to verbally attack me. By that I mean he criticizes me, tries to shift blame to me telling me that I’ve done things wrong and I’m the first to admit that I told him I’m human but that is it different and has nothing to do with his lies. He doesn’t apologize at all nor does he seem to understand or even make promises to do better.

 

During the last two recent fights he even criticized one of my adult children and her boyfriend. Called her boyfriend loser and trust me he isn’t. I can’t believe he crossed. that line. Nor did he ever apologize for his behavior even when I called him out on it several times and told him how hurtful it. He also blames my daughter (who doesn’t care for him) for all our relationship issues and doesn’t even recognize it’s his lying.

 

I tried to break up with him both times and he made fun of me and said are we broke up if you broke up with me before you’ll be back. Well that is true I have given him several tries and he’s made all kinds of promises. During the last fight this past week he grabbed me and I pulled away and then he asked if it is OK if I touch you to which I said not really. When I woke up the next day I have a big bruise on my arm. This isn't the first time he’s grabbed me but he hasn’t happened in a long time and I think he feels pretty desperate not that that is an excuse.

 

Does this sound like verbal and possibly physical abuse? Of course he’s trying to reach out to me and be with me but I am not responding however I’m not really sure where to go from here.

Edited September 14, 2019 by Tearing

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm not really sure if it matters if it's abuse....he's treating you in a way that makes you unhappy and he doesn't accept blame for his faults, nor does he apologize. If you don't want to be with him anymore, stay strong this time and don't get back together with him.

[BaileyB]

If it doesn’t feel right, than it isn’t.

 

If you are not happy, then you need to leave. Assuming you are financially independent and living on your own, there is no need to stay with a man who makes you feel badly about yourself and your relationship.

[devilish innocent]

I agree with CautiouslyOptimistic. It's hard to determine if things crossed the line into abuse just from what you've said. I also don't see why that should matter. He's behaving in a way that makes it impossible to have a relationship. You are trying to talk through your issues and he is deflecting the blame. You've given him years to change the things that bother you and he hasn't changed them. I would not have the patience to put up with him. A person doesn't have to be abusive for a relationship not to be worth continuing.

[stillafool]

Why don't you prove him wrong the next time you break up don't go back. What are you getting out of the relationship anyway but a headache and bruised arm?

[BaileyB]

A person doesn't have to be abusive for a relationship not to be worth continuing.

 

Most definitely. Especially at this stage of life, if you have your own place, your own money, your own friends, your own family, your own interests... I would have very little tolerance for this kind of behavior.