What is this?

[CalvinD]

First time poster but long time lurker of this place. I need some help deciphering this and I can’t think of anywhere better to ask.

 

We’ve been apart for around a year now, no contact for around 10 months. It was a mutual separation as we had a massive difference in views at the time.

 

Fast forward about 5 months, she moved to my state with a new guy. I just had to take it that she’s moved on, she’s done what she wanted…I’m doing what I wanted to do, and that’s the end of it. That was kind of the end-stage and acceptance for me there, even though it was painful to find out.

 

Now, fast forward to now. Out of the blue, after all those months of non-contact and after I’d got all my emotions in check, I got a very long message from her. It was very apologetic, tinged with regret on the choice she made. She explained how she has changed and can now accept my views. The key sentence for me was at the end - ‘I wish I had worked around your views...”.

 

I was never going to ignore the message, because we were together for a very long time and we were close for years, I was surprised to get it too – I didn’t ever expect that. But I’ve played it cool so far, just friendly…civil, keeping it pure ‘friend’ level and nothing more. I’ve not brought her new guy up or discussed anything from the past, I’ve just kept it to asking how she is in the here and now – no more than that.

 

The messages are flowing quite naturally though, including little breadcrumbs within the messages she sends - ‘Oh I bet it would have been nice to walk where we used to last night” and ‘Oh someone mentioned the restaurant we used to go to!’

 

Now, she’s still with this new guy. She’s admitted she lives with him. What is going on here?

 

So, I just want some neutral views on this really. What is this?

[Big Aus]

At a rough guess, I would say one of 5 things:

1. She's very happy with her life, feels a bit guilty, and wants to make herself feel better by apologising and chatting to you. Inconsiderate of what she's dredging up.

2. New guy is not working out 100% the way she thought, and she's hedging her bets seeing if you're still available.

3. She's angry with new guy, and is "acting out" by contacting you, at least in her own mind.

4. She's a bitch and playing with you.

 

Bottom line: She is using you, and nothing good will come of it.

[schlumpy]

It could be nostalgia but girls in relationships who contact EX boyfriends usually means there is trouble in paradise.

 

The main problem for you is a setback on your recovery from the relationship that you two had. I would not have answered. You are just going to find yourself back in the dumpee swamp with her moving on once again.

 

You can't be friends when you still have feelings for her. It will keep you walking in circles.

 

Do your best to turn your back on this part of your life. I know it's going to be hard but it's in your best interest to do so.

[d0nnivain]

She may want to monkey branch back to you but the idea that she has resumed contact with you & is even hinting at reconciliation with you while living with him, makes her an unethical person.

 

Also think about what this says about her decision making skills, or lack there of.

 

You & she were in a long relationship. You have been broken up for a year & only stopped communicating 10 months ago. On her end that is probably when the new guy came into her life. So 5 months later she relocates to your state & moves in with a rebound guy she's known for 150 days. Does this sound like a smart woman with good judgment to you?

 

Stay away. All I see are red flags. She reads like bad news from where I sit.

[SumGuy]

At a rough guess, I would say one of 5 things:

1. She's very happy with her life, feels a bit guilty, and wants to make herself feel better by apologising and chatting to you. Inconsiderate of what she's dredging up.

2. New guy is not working out 100% the way she thought, and she's hedging her bets seeing if you're still available.

3. She's angry with new guy, and is "acting out" by contacting you, at least in her own mind.

4. She's a bitch and playing with you.

 

Bottom line: She is using you, and nothing good will come of it.

 

90% chance it is 2 & 3. You get the validation though that she now knows she made a mistake.

 

If it was 1 there wouldn't be the bread crumbing. I've had an old flame do the same, after like a year and a half, completely friend focused, especially as we caught up found out she now lives over a 1000 miles away.

[CalvinD]

90% chance it is 2 & 3. You get the validation though that she now knows she made a mistake.

 

If it was 1 there wouldn't be the bread crumbing. I've had an old flame do the same, after like a year and a half, completely friend focused, especially as we caught up found out she now lives over a 1000 miles away.

 

So, what happened with your situation in the end?

 

 

 

Yeah, all I'm seeing are red flags too at the moment, in fact the end of our relationship was also littered with red flags and a lot of my close friends said I did the right thing back then.

 

I know deep down there’s a lot of good there, but christ her decision-making skills need a lot of work. She’s struggling to find work too since she relocated, she’s struggling with money obviously, so yeah, it’s just littered with alarms – she’s telling me all this too. But there’s this annoying element where maybe I want to be the guy who ‘fixes her’, but I know that’s a daft thing to say.

 

I don't know if I'd class her as using me, I'd never call her a user as I've known her for a lot of my life even as friends before we got together - but maybe people on the outside can see this for what it is better than me.

[Whodatdog]

Definitely hedging her bets. Id be very careful paying too much attention to what she says. She's going to be saying exactly what she thinks you need to hear to take her back; she knows you very well.

 

As far as "I wish I had worked around your views" is balony. It was serious enough for you two to break up over. She thinks if she takes down that wall, she's back in. There will still be those differences, and they will eventually show up and you'll be back in the same situation.

 

You really should not be communicating with her. Its probably a good ego boost for you, but remember how it was when you were together and why you broke up.

 

She's hedging her bets.

[Big Aus]

I don't know if I'd class her as using me, I'd never call her a user as I've known her for a lot of my life even as friends before we got together - but maybe people on the outside can see this for what it is better than me.

My point is that whatever this is, it's ALL about her, and she clearly doesn't give a toss about the repercussions on you.

And that is the very definition of a user.

Stop trying to hunt for the good in this, there just isn't any.

[mark clemson]

She's starting an EA with you while still with the other guy.

 

It sounds like you were really attached before and had mostly moved on psychologically. What she's doing isn't really helping you. She has all the options (as noted in prior posts): stay with him and keep you lined up on the side, or go to you IF he doesn't work out.

 

What do you get out of it? Missing her even more and getting to hope she comes back if she doesn't like him so much? I understand if she's a special person to you due to your backgrounds together, and maybe the one person in your life you feel is worth going through this for?

 

But, quite honestly it seems like a pretty raw deal. Sure she probably feels something for you. But she's also putting you through a lot to give herself options. If she really wants you, shouldn't she break it off with the other guy and then come to you?

 

Maybe she's testing the waters and wants to do exactly that.

 

Maybe.