Found out my 36yr ex is sleeping with a 19yr

[boymommy]

I saw your other post about the condom thing. Was that what your breakup was about? I would break no contact and ask about the vacation and just discuss how you’ll handle that situation. If he tries to veere off topic just go back to the vacation. This is important and lots of places have cancelation policies where you have to cancel your reservation so many days in advance.

[preraph]

Do ask him what to do about vacation. Know whether you have refundable tickets. I doubt it at this late date. If one or the other is willing to buy the other out, he/she could take a friend, but honestly, that isn't going to work out at this late date either. People work and can't just up and go.

 

Has he paid you for his half or vice versa? Whoever has paid for the tickets should go whether the other does or not. I do hope you haven't paid for them and are waiting for him to pay his part, because he isn't going to.

[smackie9]

I agree it's better to get this figured out now. See if you two can work this out and if not, find a way to cancel the trip.

[Blondegirl89]

So as per my last post, I broke up with my ex and we where due to go on vacation in a few days.

 

I reached out to him on Thursday about the vacation. We both agreed I would go, especially as we would lose our money otherwise. Now we both split the cost of the entire trip 50/50. The flights are in my name and the hotel in his.

 

Now here’s the issue, he said last week he would include me in the email to the hotel where he changes the name to mine. But he still hasn’t done it. My friends are convinced it’s that he still wants to go but is punishing me at the same time. He broke up with me so I can’t see why. Maybe it’s because I didn’t beg him to stay and have just been keeping myself busy doing things with friends etc instead of feeling sorry for myself.

 

I met him on Friday and he said he would change the name to mine, I did say listen if you want to come you can but I’m definitely still going to go and he said he would sleep on it. It’s getting very late now so I’m strongly thinking of booking my own accommodation now as it seem he is trying to hold the hotel over me.

 

What should I do? I don’t want to reach out to him again as he said he would be in touch with me to let me know if he still wanted to go.

[smackie9]

Book your own hotel/air b&b...why would you bother sharing one? No brainer there. If he ditches the whole thing, grab a friend and go. YOU are the one with all the power here not him. You have the flight tickets in your name...you can kick him to the curb and bring a friend...that is what I would have done.

Edited August 25, 2019 by smackie9

[Beendaredonedat]

I'm assuming the hotel is booked under his credit card number. If he doesn't go then his card will be charged regardless of whether or not he is there so check with the hotel to see if he still has a reservation under his name. He may have already cancelled in the allotted time to stop them charging his card.

 

In any event... ya... get your own room. Why spend time in his room glaring at one another and likely arguing over chit. Or: Were you hoping the close proximity would lead to ex sex?

[salparadise]

Or: Were you hoping the close proximity would lead to ex sex?

 

Yea, that's what I was wondering. Or maybe full reconciliation. There must be a lot more to the story –– If he's being uncooperative he must be pithed. Or maybe it's a power struggle and he wants her to beg. OP, what led to the breakup?

[Blondegirl89]

I’m just back from a weekend trip with my ex. We only broke up about 3 weeks ago so it is a relatively new break up.

 

Anyway we had planned this vacation before the break up and after meeting to discuss it, my ex wanted to go but as friends to which I was happy to oblige.

 

The trip was amazing, we shared the same hotel but with separate beds. I was tempted a few times to make a move but I wanted to respect his wishes. However he did bring condoms with him so I think he might have been expecting something.

 

The trip was amazing, we laughed, joked, got drunk together and just had so much fun. Now I’m struggling as I’ve fallen for him all over again. I just don’t think the feelings are returned. We discussed going fishing when we came back and he was like I don’t think your future boyfriend would like that and then said he wouldn’t want another serious relationship. Now I do think he forget we weren’t together a few times he slapped my ass twice and then apologized for it. He also would laugh when people assumed we where a couple.

 

This trip made me realize I do want him in my life but I don’t know what to do.

When we came home he bought my mother and nephew some gifts in the duty free for me to give to them from him which was super sweet. He would say things like I would love your eyes they are like diamonds. I did say he left big shoes to fill and he asked me to stop talking about that. He shut it down straight away.

 

I never really confessed I wanted to give it another go till today so I texted him earlier saying that I still have feelings for him and that I want him and only him. I know this was probably the wrong thing to do but I had to say it. I just can’t decide if he feels the same way.

 

He told me he had an amazing time with amazing company, he even posted a pic on his Instagram and told me all his friends where asking if we got back together etc.

 

The ball is in his court now because I said in the massage to think over it a few days before getting back In touch. Everyone I know has said they are shocked we didn’t get back together on this trip.

 

Do you think there’s a shot or not at getting back together?

Edited September 2, 2019 by Blondegirl89
Updates

[rightondude]

I'd say there's a shot but.... Why'd y'all break up again? That reason is likely still there 3 weeks later.

[Blondegirl89]

I'd say there's a shot but.... Why'd y'all break up again? That reason is likely still there 3 weeks later.

 

We broke up because of arguments, not big ones but little ones. To be honest I was very stressed with work and had some health issues which added the extra stress. I did apologize for my part of the arguments. August wasn’t the best month for me and that’s why it got so tough. I am in limbo at the moment. I don’t think I could be the only one out of the 2 of us who might be having second thoughts. I know he enjoyed himself so he must be doing some rethinking or am I wrong?

[rightondude]

Yes I would think he was doing some second guessing himself. Him wanting to give it another shot just depends on his perception of how big and bad the arguments were, whether he wants to see what else is out there, etc....good luck and I hope the best thing is what happens.

[greymatter]

He said he doesn't want to be in (another) serious relationship and he shut you down. I hope that I'm wrong but it doesn't sound like he is all in. It sounds like he likes you and enjoyed the time with you on the vacation, but the vacation didn't cause you to get back together and that's a bad sign.

[SumGuy]

We broke up because of arguments, not big ones but little ones. To be honest I was very stressed with work and had some health issues which added the extra stress. I did apologize for my part of the arguments. August wasn’t the best month for me and that’s why it got so tough. I am in limbo at the moment. I don’t think I could be the only one out of the 2 of us who might be having second thoughts. I know he enjoyed himself so he must be doing some rethinking or am I wrong?

 

 

I think you are right. He may eventually decide against it but I find it a positive you two did not sleep together on vacation. It gives you both a chance to see if the attraction is more than just sexual.

[Blondegirl89]

I think you are right. He may eventually decide against it but I find it a positive you two did not sleep together on vacation. It gives you both a chance to see if the attraction is more than just sexual.

 

We have the best connection without the sex, we spent the whole holiday chatting, joking, laughing he even mentioned doing other trips. It was really a great trip and now I don’t know. I do think he might be doing some thinking there was a connection there, I thought it was going to be super awkward but in fact it was like how it was when. We first started dating.

[d0nnivain]

Unfortunately I think the low pressure time off vacation made things easy again. Now back in the real world with all the pressure that broke you up in the 1st place, your EX realizes that those pressures will reignite the arguments. It was easy to be together in the bubble of the vacation & he was willing to go along with it, in part so neither of you lose money if you cancelled at the last minute, he put on a brave face & had fun. I don't think he feels the same spark that got reignited in you. Sorry.

[salparadise]

Now back in the real world with all the pressure that broke you up in the 1st place, your EX realizes that those pressures will reignite the arguments.

 

Yes, he realizes that you have a tendency to turn general stressors into relationship conflict. You need to get real with yourself on this, and let him know that you're aware of it (and won't do so in the future). You need to think of your relationship as a refuge from life's stresses, not a place to take it out on someone. Keeping this stuff separate is a key ingredient in EQ. He doesn't deserve to have a bad day every time you have one.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

We broke up because of arguments, not big ones but little ones. To be honest I was very stressed with work and had some health issues which added the extra stress. I did apologize for my part of the arguments. August wasn’t the best month for me and that’s why it got so tough. I am in limbo at the moment. I don’t think I could be the only one out of the 2 of us who might be having second thoughts. I know he enjoyed himself so he must be doing some rethinking or am I wrong?

 

This doesn't bode well for a long term relationship. What happens when you come across something more stressful? Are you gonna keep going through a cycle of break up and make up? I'd say start the healing process. He starts flirting then shuts you down. Not someone I'd suggest getting back together w/.

[Watercolors]

This doesn't bode well for a long term relationship. What happens when you come across something more stressful? Are you gonna keep going through a cycle of break up and make up? I'd say start the healing process. He starts flirting then shuts you down. Not someone I'd suggest getting back together w/.

 

Yes, his style of communication is a huge problem for any relationship. Flirting than closing himself off from a true emotional connection is very immature. That doesn't exactly advertise, "mature, adult male" to me. That advertises an immature guy who uses flirtation to send mixed messages, so that he can keep women emotionally at bay, while having sex with them which is not what emotional intimacy means.

 

Frankly, I think you could do better than your recent ex-boyfriend. You both sound like your styles of communication and emotional intimacy are 100% opposite. That means you two are not compatible at a fundamental level.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Yes, his style of communication is a huge problem for any relationship. Flirting than closing himself off from a true emotional connection is very immature. That doesn't exactly advertise, "mature, adult male" to me. That advertises an immature guy who uses flirtation to send mixed messages, so that he can keep women emotionally at bay, while having sex with them which is not what emotional intimacy means.

 

Frankly, I think you could do better than your recent ex-boyfriend. You both sound like your styles of communication and emotional intimacy are 100% opposite. That means you two are not compatible at a fundamental level.

 

Yes this is very manipulative behavior and not someone who actually cares about the you OP. Been through a few of these myself and they left me extremely hurt. He either wants yo be w/you or he doesn't and stops leading you on. This will be a cycle of him coming to you, then backing off when you show interest.

[basil67]

We broke up because of arguments, not big ones but little ones.

 

Time to get real. You broke up because of a BIG argument. I don't know what was said during this big argument, but there may have been things said which can't be unsaid. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/688977-found-lots-condoms-boyfriends-showerbag

 

And there was also the issue of you being suspicious about all the condoms. Did you ever get resolution on that?

[spiderowl]

At the moment, he is in charge with the power to say yea or nay.

 

I don't know whether you played a big part in the arguments or he started them. It is hard to assess whether you would have a good chance or not without knowing what triggered the break up.

 

He is flirting with you and having fun but does not want a serious relationship. You can either join him for a non-serious kind of vague friendship or back out of this situation. I cannot see there is anything for you to gain in this situation.

[salparadise]

Yes, his style of communication is a huge problem for any relationship.

 

Did I miss something? I thought that he broke up with her because when she gets stressed they have arguments.

 

The fact that they went on vacation, slept in the same room, and he had no interest in schutping tells us what the deal is. It doesn't sound like a guy keeping her on the string for sex, does it?

 

 

Frankly, I think you could do better than your recent ex-boyfriend.

 

And of course if she thinks she might do better, then she should try, right WC? This is funny in light of today's other conversation relating to acceptance and optimizing.

 

I also think it's funny how women presume it's always their choice and the guy just has to accept whatever she decides... for every rule there is an exception, and I think that's what we have here.

[Watercolors]

I thought they broke up because of his condom collection in his shower bag.

 

Yes, it does sound like he's stringing her along if she agreed to go on vacation with him, hoping he'd apologize and they'd get back together. But, he slapped her butt a couple of times and flirted with her and ignored her texts about wanting to reconcile. So, he's the king of mixed messages. That's why I thought she could do better.

 

I've been played with by men online -- who want an electronic pen pal, even if they agree to meet me in person a couple of times -- but that's just to keep me hooked emotionally on them. I see him doing the same to the OP -- keeping her emotionally hooked on him, by physically play-slapping her butt and flirting with her, yet closing himself off from her emotionally which is the sign he's super immature and only interested in sending the OP mixed messages because he's not a nice guy.

 

But we don't know why the OP and her boyfriend broke up because she didn't elaborate what their big argument was about, in her other thread.

 

I think it was a bad idea for them to go on vacation together. He clearly went to get laid if he brought condoms again, and the OP clearly went hoping they'd reconcile over the vacation and get back together.

 

Since the OP hasn't been back, we have no idea what's going on.

Edited September 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[salparadise]

Yes, it does sound like he's stringing her along if she agreed to go on vacation with him, hoping he'd apologize and they'd get back together. But, he slapped her butt a couple of times...

 

I don't know how two people can read exactly the same words and have such opposite interpretations.

 

He broke up with her, and she encouraged him to go on the vacation, not visa versa. And she was the one wanting sex and reconciliation. He obviously did not. So it all comes down to him leading her on by slapping her on the ass? Really?

 

The deal is that he's done with her drama and walking away. She said herself that the arguments were due to her being stressed. Read between the lines on that one.

 

Being in possession of too many condoms is the funniest thing I've ever heard. They sell'em by the box with 24-36-42 counts, ya know. I bought a box ten years ago and have had them in my toiletry bag, overnight bag, and jacket pockets. I noticed the expiration date is this month. Guess I'll have to buy another decade's worth sometime. Anyway, the point is that it means absolutely nothing. i've had several relationships since I bought that box, and not one of my girlfriends ever made an issue of it... and we did not even use condoms!

 

I think the bottom line here is that he's just tired of dealing with her stuff. He's so checked out that he didn't even want to bang on vacation, and that's pretty damn checked out.

[Blondegirl89]

So the vacation really went well, I told him I wanted to give it another go and start from the beginning again. He said it’s not what he wants, he said the only way he can see us going forward is by being friends. He told me he was sad things didn’t work out because he really believed this relationship was the one and then went on to say he cared a great deal about me and wanted to be good friends.

 

I told him, i was hoping we could’ve worked things out and that I would need a few days to decide on if I could be his friend or not.

 

My question is why does he still want to be good friends? Why tell me he thought this relationship was the one and that he cared a great deal for me. I can’t decide if he’s sending mixed signals or not?

 

I don’t know if I’m ready to be his friend, I don’t want to be his back up plan like some of my friends have said they think that is what he is doing. Some have said maybe he’s seeing if you can change certain aspects that he didn’t like.

 

Does it sound like he is playing games? I’ve been honest and open about everything. I’m afraid if I’m his friend he will have his cake and eat.

Edited September 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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