Found out my 36yr ex is sleeping with a 19yr

[lana-banana]

These aren't mixed signals or playing games; he's just trying to let you down gently. This seems less like making you a back-up plan than just being a friend or at most a FWB.

 

99% of the time when someone says they "want to be friends" what they mean is they don't want you to hate them. It almost never indicates a genuine desire to continue a friendship, it just means they don't want you to hate their guts. I would count on not hearing much from him at all or maybe a token gesture or two, like an invite to a birthday party or a big concert. But if you feel this strongly about him you do have to take the initiative and move forward by yourself. He's not going to come around.

Edited September 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Blondegirl89]

I do think he wants to be friends, he texted me saying he cared a great deal about me and that he was sad thinking that I wouldn’t be in his life any more. I told him I needed to think if I could be his friend and he then said take all the time you need to heal but please don’t go away!!

Edited September 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[stillafool]

Realize that "being friends" means you are comfortable being around him and a new girlfriend of his. Also listening to him talk about her and what they do together pretty much the way you do with your other friends. If you are at that comfort level then you can be his friend.

[lana-banana]

I do think he wants to be friends, he texted me saying he cared a great deal about me and that he was sad thinking that I wouldn’t be in his life any more. I told him I needed to think if I could be his friend and he then said take all the time you need to heal but please don’t go away!!

 

My Worst Ex cried when he broke up with me, said he'd always love me, that I was an unforgettable part of his life and he'd regret it forever, etc etc etc. He hooked up with his now-wife a month later.

 

People say things all the time. It doesn't mean they're true. Sometimes the words we use are for our own benefit, not others.

[d0nnivain]

Let me translate. "Let's be friends" means "I don't want any drama" with a side of "the idea of never speaking to you again is overwhelming so I'm just going go with something less drastic."

[mark clemson]

I do think he wants to be friends, he texted me saying he cared a great deal about me and that he was sad thinking that I wouldn’t be in his life any more. I told him I needed to think if I could be his friend and he then said take all the time you need to heal but please don’t go away!!

 

 

This keeps you interested, retaining a "Plan B"/soft landing while feeding and validating his ego while he goes and finds his next GF. This may be unconscious on his part, but it's nonetheless true IMO.

 

Sound like a fun ride to be on to you?

[Blondegirl89]

I met my ex last night after we agreed to be friends, we broke up about 2 weeks ago. We even went on vacation together and had a lovely time. Anyway we where chatting, joking and laughing as you do.

 

Earlier that day he posted a love letter he got on his Instagram stories which I seen. So I asked him if he had started dating or been with anyone since the break up? He said he hadn’t being dating but that he met a 19yr in a bar and they have been sleeping together ever since. He also told me that he took her virginity. It was like a punch in the stomach, especially as he is 36 now I know asked and I kept my decorum and said good for you. He asked me if I had and I said no that I was still processing the end of the relationship to which he replied so do you remember that time you asked me to tell you we are never getting back together well I could’ve said it then as I was way over the relationship by that time.

 

To be honest I wasn’t really mad about him sleeping with the 19yr, shocked but not mad. I was more upset about him saying he was checked out of the relationship a long time ago and the fact that when I asked him to post a cute picture of us on Instagram when we where together he said no but posted the love letter of a girl he knows a week. That hurt me. So I put my jacket on and said enjoy your life and left. I did text him saying I was hurt and disgusted by his behavior and that he should delete everything and just block me.

 

He actually did, he deleted all of the pics of us together from his Instagram and blocked me on WhatsApp. Now I do think it was the best move and I can finally move on.

 

My friends all agree that he should’ve lied about sleeping with someone else to protect my feelings and that him bragging about it was aimed at hurting me.

 

I’m not sure if I should be angry or not with him because I asked? Was I wrong to overreact?

[d0nnivain]

You can feel anyway you like in response to what you learned. I hope you realize that it should be the last nail in the coffin of your now defunct relationship.

 

Give up the idea that you two can be friends. You can be civil if you bump into each other but you need distance in here. You shouldn't be hanging out & talking about the new bedmates in your lives.

 

He sounds like a cad. Why on earth would he brag to you of all people about taking her virginity? How utterly tacky & crude. I feel bad for the girl. He used her as notch on his bedpost. I hope she's emotionally OK but she's not your responsibility.

 

Just steer clear of him. Let him live his life & you live yours, away from him.

[elaine567]

He broke up with you only 2 weeks ago, and now he's bragging about his sexual conquest of a 19 yo virgin...

He is not a nice man. Rubbing salt into your wounds.

Thank Goodness he has gone.

Please. NEVER be persuaded to take him back.

He will not make you happy as he lacks empathy.

[FMW]

d0nnavain's right. It was crude and insensitive to both you and to her to tell you about taking her virginity. And there was no reason to tell you about him having been over your relationship before it was official.

[schlumpy]

What a sterling example of why you should not try to be friends with your EX. You may have just saved several people from making the same mistake.

[stillafool]

The only reason I can imagine a man being that cruel to an ex is he is really trying to make it clear and get the message through that he is not coming back to you. Have you been texting or calling him a lot since the breakup and after your trip? At any rate he's horrible and I'm sure by now you know he is not a friend of yours.

[Blind-Sided]

Just a couple random thoughts...

 

 

1) You can't really be friends with an ex. That's just a dumb concept. In my case, I have to be civil, and talk with the ex because of the kids... but in no way, shape, or form will I ever be her "Friend". Ok... if she called me with a medical emergency... Maybe I will help, but more likely I'll say "Call an ambulance, not me." If we didn't have kids... I wouldn't be talking with her at all.

 

 

2) You asked. The issue I see here is... you got an answer you didn't like.

 

 

3) You two broke up... why should he keep pictures in an electronic device. Right now, in my house... there is one picture left with my ex in it. And the only reason I kept it where I can see it is because it's with my kids, and it was taken at my folks 50th anniversary. (so it had more significance than her face could take away.)

 

 

OK... I know it sucks, and I personally don't think someone of his age should be with a teen because eventually her immaturity will annoy him, and they will split up too. (it's destined to fail) But the reality is... you put yourself in that situation by being together, and asking the questions you didn't really want to know. Also, let's face it... if he was dating a smoking hot 30 year old... you would still be here telling us about it.

 

 

And finally... on the point of "Salt in the wound"... well... since I don't know the details of the ending... I can't really take a side on that. If this was my case... and the ex asked... oh you better believe I would grind that salt in. (She ripped a family apart with no attempt of trying to work on it, and is now harassing our oldest daughter to the point she wants to be with me full time)

 

 

Just my 2 cents... take it for what it's worth.

[smackie9]

Sounds like that 19 year old will eventually find herself in a world of hurt too. He such a dbag.

[stillafool]

Earlier that day he posted a love letter he got on his Instagram stories which I seen. So I asked him if he had started dating or been with anyone since the break up? He said he hadn’t being dating but that he met a 19yr in a bar and they have been sleeping together ever since. .....

 

This was why you couldn't be friends. As explained in your last thread that if you accept his offer to be "friends" you are comfortable hearing about him with a new girl without having to protect your feelings about it. You are not comfortable but hurt whether you admit it bothers you or not. This is why you cannot be friends with him. I hope you understand this now.

Edited September 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Watercolors]

@Blondegirl89

 

2 weeks after a breakup is not enough time to gain any emotional distance from an ex. Doesn't matter how old you both are.

 

Who he sleeps with since you two broke up, as much might shock you, isn't really your business. Were you wrong to overreact? Well, yeah I think you are. It shows that you are not emotionally over your ex yet, and that you think that your feelings about what he does and who he sees, should matter to him. Who cares what he posts or doesn't post on his instagram? Why do you even care still?

 

Your focus right now should be on distancing yourself online and offline from your ex, so that you can emotionally heal and move on with your life. Leave your ex alone. If he wants to sleep with a 19 year old, that's his business. Not yours.

[Ruby Slippers]

I hope you don't hang out with this guy anymore. He's not your friend.

[justwhoiam]

I did text him saying I was hurt and disgusted by his behavior and that he should delete everything and just block me.

I guess that was a bit impulsive. How long had you been together?

 

He actually did, he deleted all of the pics of us together from his Instagram and blocked me on WhatsApp. Now I do think it was the best move and I can finally move on.

He complied. If that's what you think you needed, then it's all good.

 

My friends all agree that he should’ve lied about sleeping with someone else to protect my feelings and that him bragging about it was aimed at hurting me.

I guess the bragging about it is your perception. He only touched the topic because you asked. Maybe he gave out too much information than necessary, but maybe he thought you were over him already and that you two were going to be friends. I disagree with your friends when they said he should lie to you. You would have seen pictures of him with this new girl, maybe even bumped into him while he's out with her. So that would have been worse. He was transparent, and he shouldn't have been "punished" because of it.

 

I’m not sure if I should be angry or not with him because I asked?

Too late... you got angry and it showed through that text that you sent him.

 

 

 

Was I wrong to overreact?

Well, you're entitled to your own feelings. Yes, you did overreact. Again, I don't know how long your relationship lasted, who broke it up and for what reason.

 

 

That said, don't be surprised about him jumping into new arms. When a relationship ends, people can be left a bit unstable & off track. Women might turn their look upside down, start something brand new, etc.

 

That's his way to cope with the change.

[preraph]

Oh, that whole thing may be manufactured just to take a jab at you. Anyway, please remember that the goal here is to stop caring what he does. He sounds really mean and you're well rid of him. Please block him and stay off his social media and don't fall temptation to contact him or try to be friends. You see he only wants to "win" the breakup. Now he's smug because he convinced you he slept with a 19 year old virgin, as if that's something to brag about at 36 and he told you he hasn't been into you for a long time, which only shows how cowardly and weak he is for not leaving if that was really true. Truth is he asked if you'd been with someone, and truth is, like most men who break up with a woman they've been with a while, their egos want to think your mind is still on them (can't believe you validated that for him) and that they were "the best you ever had" and that you will always pine for them. Once he finds out you're seeing someone else, I can guarantee you he'll be back around pulling your strings trying to be sure he could still get you back if he wanted to and all that is for his ego, not because he loves you or even knows what love is. It's about possession and being an uncaring person whose main concern is that they "win" and their egos come out intact.

 

Block this ******* every way possible so he can't see into your life or contact you and tell any mutual friends not to update you on him or him on you and if they start, hold up your hand and tell them to stop. He wasn't who you hoped he was. He's finally showed you what a shallow git he is and how revengeful. The goal is for you to stop caring WHAT he thinks or does.

[Beendaredonedat]

My friends all agree that he should’ve lied about sleeping with someone else to protect my feelings and that him bragging about it was aimed at hurting me.

Then your friends are no friends but rather just enablers that enable you to process things as if you are a victim when you are not.

 

YOU asked him about the letter, he did not "boast" about it.

You agreed to be "friends" but clearly you were hoping that you would get back together by being in that dynamic with him which back fired on you.

YOU asked him to block you instead of you blocking him, not going on a trip with him in the guise of "friendship" and now you are hurt because of what YOU did and didn't do what you should have. This is on you, luv, not him.

 

If you can't handle the truth then you shouldn't be asking the question(s)!

 

He's clearly moved on but you have not. You block and delete him now so you don't sit around creeping him out online in any way he's not yet stopped you from doing and so he can't hoover you back for sexy time when he's between dates.

Edited September 15, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[stillafool]

Sounds like that 19 year old will eventually find herself in a world of hurt too. He such a dbag.

 

I agree. I don't know what is wrong with these young girls dating mid 30s guys. My friends 18 year old daughter is dating a 35 year old divorced father of 4. What a waste of time for her.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's time to let go of this guy forever, OP.

 

There is no future here with him.

[preraph]

And by the way, when an ex says they want to be friends, they likely mean "friends with benefits" and no obligations, just sex. He'd probably as soon keep you on rotation for sex along with whoever else he's banging. Please don't. Ever again.

[Blondegirl89]

So my ex and I broke up about 2/3 weeks ago. We decided to remain friends but it just wasn’t meant to be. He got very cruel with me the last time we spoke. He was bragging about sleeping with a 19yr and kept telling me we where never going to get back together. To be honest I wasn’t really upset about him sleeping with a 19yr. However I was upset that he kept brining up the relationship even though I told him not too and that I just wanted to move on as friends.

 

Anyway the night went on and he was bragging to his friends about the 19yr he then turned to me and said do you remember when you asked me to tell you I was over you well I could’ve said it then because I was way over you. I got my bag said enjoy your life and to never speak to me again and left.

 

Now he did hold up his end, he blocked me everywhere. Deleted our pictures from Instagram and we haven’t spoken since. However I did bump into him a few times we did ignore each other. After the first time we bumped into each other he uploaded the pictures he deleted from the holiday we went on but without me in them. I thought that was pretty childish. Why delete and then reupload. I’ve seen him around a few times and every time I see him he looks like he seen a ghost.

 

I found out the other day that the 19yr he was bragging about sleeping with he is now dating.

 

He didn’t waste any time on moving on. For me I mourned the relationship, I still am not over it completely but I am improving the areas I need too.

 

After the first argument, he blocked my personal Instagram account. I recently posted on my personal blog account with a before and after pic. I have been on a big health kick and I don’t think I have ever looked better. He must have seen the pic because he Removed me from his followers.

 

Now I know we didn’t finish on great terms but I just couldn’t understand the whole removing every trace of me from his Instagram, he once told me he would never do it as they where important to him and he has pictures of his other ex’s on his account which actually never bothered me to be honest because they where part of his past.

 

I just can’t understand, when we broke up he told me he couldn’t imagine his life without me in it, he told me he wanted to be friends as he still cared from me but then he got nasty for no reason and then cut me out completely. Now I know I made mistakes as well but so did he.

 

Now he’s dating a 19yr and it seems he has moved on and made it perfectly clear that he is over me. However for me I, got back to the gym and started to really improve myself, my confidence has gone through the roof I feel so much better but it took me a while to even get to where I am. But with him it was like he just flipped a switch and was done.

 

Part of me does wish we could work it out and get back together, then there’s a part of me that is like no way in hell. I am doing no contact and to be honest asking him to block me on everything has really helped because I can’t reach out. I asked him to block me because if I blocked him I know I would get week unblock and then reach out. Some will say I gave him the power but it has worked. Because I know I can’t get in touch I know I have to move on.

 

Why do guys get so cruel and move on so quickly when they said that they really care about you and don’t want to loose you?

[amaysngrace]

Anyone who jumps from relationship to relationship has some sort of character defect. They don’t like themselves enough to ever be alone.