I feel like I'm just a jerk, but my wife is pushing me away...

[iloveherbut]

I'm really mad at my wife right now, so just FYI. I will try to be as unbiased as I can.

 

 

• She saw a therapist. Yay! But just once. She said she can't really keep going thought because her work schedule and the therapist she likes have the same schedule. Which is honestly kinda true. She can't really request days off that much anymore at work, because supposedly they only give her 12 days off a year. She's been getting the **** end of the stick from her boss (my wife works for a house cleaning company (maid)), and kind of pesters her about requesting so much time off... because... she is also taking meds now! Yay! She saw my shrink (I have a great shrink) and is not on the same mood stabilizer that I'm on, and a light dose benzo for panic attacks. So far it hasn't been long enough to see a big difference, but I do think we have been fighting less.
  
• I want to date a blonde. I love blondes, I can't help it, and she knows, but I feel awful about this. Every time I see some gorgeous girl in tights with blonde hair... I can't help but want that woman so bad, and wonder what it would be like to date her. I feel horribly guilty about this.
  
• Financially, things are turning around! I still haven't found a job, because I have a contract I'm in at the moment that is completely paying off all our bills next month, and I already have another huge job coming up in a week that I know I already have. Besides my freelance business, I donate plasma and Uber.
  
• I have diagnosed OCD, bipolar type II, generalized anxiety disorder. The new medication I am taking (Paxil) is helping SO much. There are one or two side effects that have stuck around so far, but the benefits of having no anxiety and feeling clear headed is worth it. I think I may have a problem with weed though. I smoke way too much, and have no self control. If I have access to it, I'll smoke it first thing in the morning. My wife really doesn't like this and tries to help by hiding the weed after we smoke it at night, but it's easy to convince her to smoke at other times for the most part, unless she is going to work that day.
  
• Because of my OCD, I get "fixated" on things. And lately these have been getting pretty bad. But one of them is my wife's nose. I don't know how else to say it, but she's got a big nose. I love her to death, she's absolutely beautiful, but the girl has a big nose. I know I have one too though, and once we were asking what ifs and I found out she would not ever get any kind of plastic surgery. I see older couples at the store sometimes, both of them so old and wrinkled and I remember that looks really don't matter in the end. But I know if she just had a smaller nose, dear god, she would be stunningly absolutely perfect. I feel horribly guilty about this, too.
  
• Speaking of things I feel horribly guilty about... a few weeks ago, I almost drank for the first time in over 6 years sober because I got mad at her for being on her phone... essentially. She knew we were going into the bedroom to get in the mood and fool around, and I started massaging her and I found it so rude that she just gets on her phone. Like, she knows we are about to have sex, and I found that so rude. I didn't say anything though. For some reason I can't remember, she got slightly mad at me or agitated, and it broke the mood. I asked her if she wanted to make out and at least try, and she said no. I got up and got mad at her, and reminded her about how I wanted to try no phones in the bed anymore, and she said, "I don't care." I got so mad about that, it was like I was with a child. I grabbed my pillow and went to sleep on the couch. I couldn't though, and suddenly had an urge to just get on OkCupid or Tinder or something, to see what else was out there, to get back in the dating world, to go find that perfect blonde in tights that I secretly fantasize about. I didn't, though.
  
• But I did go to a gas station and sit outside it for an hour, almost going in to drink. I called my friend, a girl, a good friend of mine. She knows a bit about what you guys know now, she is my "go to" person when I have a really bad fight or mental breakdown you know? She says to just smoke again, not drink, and that she was at a party but would come hang out with me and would smoke ciggs and talk. I sat there for an hour, and decided if they had my favorite beer here I would get alcohol. I would definitely get cigarettes (Turkish Royals yum lol) and get ****ed up somewhere with my friend and vent. I really thought about divorcing her. The gas station didn't have my favorite beer though (Dos Equis, double yum lol), so I bought my Royals and left and smoked and went to the bars and hung out with sketchy people, and miss my wife, and feel scared. My friend never made it, she ended up too drunk and passed out at her house, so I'm glad she didn't drive, but I eventually left and called my brother. He said marriage is permanent, and that there's no going back, and to tell my wife everything I told him in the morning. So I did, I came home, woke her up. I couldn't wait until morning, so I told her everything then (except the OkCupid stuff). She cried like crazy, and I did too a bit. I told her I felt pretty numb and that maybe it was the medication. She said what she did did not warrant a divorce, and I agree for the most part. I think I just got so mad because I found it so disrespectful, to have your phone out when you know you're about to have sex, and also that she acted so childish by saying I don't care.
  
• I haven't seen my therapist in a bit, going to see him Saturday. I plan to tell him what I am telling you guys now, but part of me, honestly, wants you to tell me that what she is doing is unacceptable and that I need to divorce her right now. You see... another symptom of my OCD that I've been having recently too, is imagining what would happen if we were to get a divorce. I think about sometimes about dating someone that doesn't get call me three times if I miss her call while we are both working (doesn't do this often though), or someone that I don't have to remind every 2-3 months that she "has a little peach fuzz" on her lip. I saw a little hair on the top of her feet the other day, and I know she hasn't brushed her teeth at night the past few days (we've been smoking a lot of weed while I finish this current project, it's extremely long hours, I'm literally smoking my way and drinking coffee throughout it all). She knows how much I love blonde hair, and she was blonde for about a month in the 6-9 month time frame when we first started dating, and she looks soooooo good blonde. I also like heavy eye makeup, and while she does do her makeup maybe once a week, and I appreciate it, I wish she would do it a different way, a way she won't do. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to get blowjobs, like some of my previous girlfriends (she said before we were married that when we do get married, part of the "wifey package" was blowjobs and walking around in lingerie for me occasionally, neither of which she followed through with...) I wonder what it would be like to date a girl that doesn't refuse to try on certain things at the store, that at least will TRY on a pencil skirt. She doesn't work out but tells me that her job is a work out (it is, but it's not the same as going to the gym). She wants me to work out, and I agree too, but I am much more willing to go than she is, and have encouraged us both to go many times, but she doesn't seem interested in working out or running together anymore. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to date a girl that I don't have to be afraid to remind her of something small, like not forgetting that it's her turn for the dishes tonight.
  
• Despite all of that ^ I can't imagine my life without her. She's my best friend. Who else is an open pagan that plays MMORPGs that likes anime that likes phones games and getting stoned and reading? She's my best friend. I worry about what would happen if we did get a divorce in this fantasy situation type things, and wonder if she would get drunk and go driving, or doing something dangerous and stupid. I think how I can't ever let that happen to her. I think about her embrace, and the way she has that particular hug, and the way she always pushes my arms further around her, higher up her back, tighter. And how she always does this. I think about her warm body against mine in the night, her being fast asleep, the soft little sounds she makes while asleep. I can very easily picture her as being the mother of my children, and think it would be exciting. I think about her obsession with Audrey Hepburn, and how I love her so much for it, and how she knows about my obsession with Nietzsche. I think about all the times that I've had a crazy bipolar episode where I hurt myself, and she literally throws herself on top of me to stop me (something my therapist told her she should not do, but she does anyways, or at least, has... I've maybe hit myself once now in 3-4 months, which is pretty good for me!)
  
• Right now, I'm mad not because she has been so controlling this morning ("You smoked an hour ago!" "No, I'm not helping you bleach your hair yet, it's still too short." "We are paying my student loan, at least a little bit this paycheck, period." "No naps today, you gotta work through all day" "You need to eat something, go eat something!" (I got mad when she said this, because turns out she hadn't even eaten at that point!). She says that she cares about me and doesn't want me to get sick, and I understand, but the reason I'm upset is not because she has been controlling, but because she started crying and saying it was my fault and that I become "cruel" when I don't get my way (all I did was tell her to stop telling me what to do and that I was sick of it, maybe my voice was raised but nothing else). She does that a lot, she'll overreact when I criticize her, and then she'll say that I'm being heartless or cruel or an *******).
  
• I'm going to go smoke a bowl and play some video games and keep working while I bleach my hair, without her permission, then come back later and hopefully some of you are nice enough to give me real, honest advice. Please give me kind advice. If you've read this far, thank you. And go easy on the smoking stuff, too. I think I am a stoner, I should probably move somewhere legal.
  

tl:dr; I really like blondes, I'm not 100% attracted to my wife for reasons I feel are manageable on her end but some of these are probably me being OCD or just shallow, and my wife is very controlling, but has proven to me she is willing to do whatever it takes to work on our marriage by going to therapy/seeing a shrink

Edited September 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed links

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel like I'm just a jerk

 

Agreed...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

tl:dr; I really like blondes, I'm not 100% attracted to my wife for reasons I feel are manageable on her end but some of these are probably me being OCD or just shallow, and my wife is very controlling, but has proven to me she is willing to do whatever it takes to work on our marriage by going to therapy/seeing a shrink

 

Your marriage will get better when you grow up. Stop smoking. Get over the fact that your wife is not blonde. Get off the dating sites. Go talk to your AA sponsor since you were too close to drinking again. Make sure whoever is prescribing you Paxil knows you smoke week; they are probably not good together. She's not controlling. You are so childish & out of control she practically has to act like your mommy to get you to fulfill your adult responsibilities. When you start behaving like an adult she will be able to stop having to tell you to eat & do your job.

[Beendaredonedat]

Besides my freelance business, I donate plasma and Uber

.

I think I may have a problem with weed though. I smoke way too much, and have no self control. If I have access to it, I'll smoke it first thing in the morning.

... and yet another good reason why I will NEVER use Uber.

 

Note to self: *Start storing my own blood and plasma*

Edited September 15, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[preraph]

What do you think it would take for you to grow up and stop yearning for shallow things you know perfectly well are unreasonable and destroying your marriage? Somehow I don't think her dying her hair blond and getting a nose job would do it, though it certainly might make her more appealing to other guys enough to get up and leave you there speechless.

[iloveherbut]

What do you think it would take for you to grow up and stop yearning for shallow things you know perfectly well are unreasonable and destroying your marriage? Somehow I don't think her dying her hair blond and getting a nose job would do it, though it certainly might make her more appealing to other guys enough to get up and leave you there speechless.

 

So what should I do?

[iloveherbut]

. ... and yet another good reason why I will NEVER use Uber.

 

Note to self: *Start storing my own blood and plasma*

 

I don't drive high, no worries.

[iloveherbut]

Agreed...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

So what should I do... I don't want to be a jerk... I love her...

[BaileyB]

Are you in a manic phase right now?

 

I think your first visit should be the counsellor... glad you have an appointment this week.

[iloveherbut]

Are you in a manic phase right now?

 

I think your first visit should be the counsellor... glad you have an appointment this week.

 

I don't think so. I have been a little hypo, but definitely not manic. It's possible I am and don't know it of course, but I'm not masturbating like crazy, I'm not delusional, I'm pretty calm. Just jittery from a lot of coffee, and smoking a lot of bud to keep me going for the contract I'm doing atm.

[Marc878]

Your wife made a mistake. A therapist isn't going to fix that.

 

But a divorce attorney could.

[Beendaredonedat]

I don't drive high, no worries.

 

Pardon my skepticism but I believe that like I believe an alcoholic that says they will only drink on the weekends.

 

See your therapist, dude. You need help with detox/rehab and to get your meds adjusted so that you're not having these obsessive thoughts about blondes and chit.

[Mr. Lucky]

So what should I do... I don't want to be a jerk... I love her...

 

See your therapist, dude. You need help with detox/rehab and to get your meds adjusted so that you're not having these obsessive thoughts about blondes and chit.

 

Asked and answered...

 

Mr. Lucky

[anika99]

I don't doubt that your wife has some flaws because everyone does. When I say flaws I'm talking about personality not about ridiculously shallow things like hair color or nose size. Actually your tendency to focus on silly shallow things like that would be one of your flaws and it has nothing to with your wife. If your wife is so hideously unattractive to you with her dark hair and big nose then why the hell did you even marry her?

 

Nothing you have said here about her sounds divorce worthy to me but it sounds like she might have good reasons to consider divorcing you. I would never divorce someone because they have a big nose but if that person lacked self control around certain substances and undermined my feelings of self worth by disapproving of everything from my hair color to the way I apply my makeup then I might start to think I'd be happier elsewhere.

 

Oh and about the complaint you had about it being rude to look at the phone when you're going to have sex. You weren't going to have sex. You wanted to have sex but your wife did not and when she got on her phone she was letting you know that she was not in the mood for sex. Now I get how that can be a little frustrating in the moment your reaction was way over the top, yet you say your wife overreacts?

 

I'm not saying your wife is perfect but you are far from perfect yourself.

[pepperbird]

If you are smoking up and taking an anti-depressant, why are you donating plasma? Doesn't that contaminate your blood for whoever receives the plamsa?

[spiderowl]

I am surprised she does not want a divorce. She has stress from her work and you with all your issues harassing her and at the same time you want a blonde instead. You are hypercritical of her. I don't know how this poor woman is coping.

[preraph]

A good start would be to stop taking all substances that aren't prescribed by a legit doctor, weed, alcohol. When you're impaired all the time, you don't mature at a normal rate. AA will tell you that. You have a lot of catching up to do.

 

You can't control what she does. So you keep going to therapy. Stop weed and alcohol and everything and clear your head out. It's a start.

[Beendaredonedat]

On 9/16/2019 at 11:21 AM, pepperbird said:

If you are smoking up and taking an anti-depressant, why are you donating plasma? Doesn't that contaminate your blood for whoever receives the plamsa?

Ya think?