Not Missing Ex, But It Hurts at a Deeper Level

[Moody16]

Hey fellas,

 

I think I'm writing this in a moment where I am quite calm. No anxiety, no chemical depression **** happening to me.

 

10 days ago I broke off with someone whom I thought we shared a future (3 year relationship). I'm 32, so that was only reasonable. I broke up because I've been played with the dreaded "I need space" game. However, it was not all that simple; all her actions filled with mixed signals; she had those moments, where she still made plans and cherished the good ole days.

 

So after about 2 weeks or so, I had to let her go. She asks for space, I tried to break up. She was crying and getting emotional every time, changing the subject. Then I had to cut it off for real.

 

Anyway, you may disagree but I felt like I was psychologically abused in this relationship. She was a casual alcoholic and who was obsessed with her independence. I gave her all the space she wanted, so she could play the role of the "cool", "devil may care" character.

 

Now when I sit back and look at everything I went through, I can easily say that I couldn't have been better. Seriously, I was cool as **** as a BF. There were fights that I've started, but she had her way of crossing lines. Provocative AF too. She was loyal (never cheated), but jealousy became a new concept in my life because of her flirty nature. Seriously, I supposed to be flirty one and I rarely was jealous through my all relationships (short or long whatever).

 

Yet she kinda took what was mine. But I had good intentions man, finally acting like a mature man. Not because I was cornered, not because I lost power plays: I just wanted to be really decent. But she of course undervalued my efforts, took them for granted and thought she was always in the right.

 

I had tons of losses and tragedys in my family, lost a father and a sister at a very young age, I also have two other sisters who have survived cancer. Bad marriages etc. Tons of crazy stuff. Since my father passed so young, I had to be the man from a very young age. I always kept a cool head whenever tragedy struck, tried to keep my family together, yet on the other facets of life, I couldn't grow up and stayed somewhat of a charming man child (heh). Yet I believe I have a very mature approach towards relationships.

 

I feel troubled because I'm scarred. I know its been 10 days, but for more than a year I never ever received a single pat in the back, and absolutely zero compassion shown by her (so I'm basically single for almost year, living with a **** buddy). In relationships every man should be for himself, I know, but that's bull. Why would I want a relationship in first place, when I even can't ask for little emotional support. Just a chat really, sometimes venting helps. But she was rarely available for that ****, either dosing off somewhere or who knows what else. She was always "tired".

 

I recently noticed that I'm becoming the alcoholic, non responsible person that she was. I'm still a charmer, but I feel broken, anxious on the inside. A few days ago I met this charming lady, right up my alley, I started all good but ended the night blotto. This really hurt me, not that I think she was amazing; I know there are **** loads of other people to meet and form relationships with. It felt to me that I missed a chance just because of the damage caused by her.

 

I'll heal, yeah. But I also yearn for companionship for more than a year actually (passively). I don't miss her a bit, I wanna move on, I'm even excited by the idea of meeting someone new. But I feel broken, never ever felt like this. I'm just cool on the outside, but on the inside I feel broken, destroyed.

 

I enjoyed my time staying at home. I never needed crowds to feel happy, but I'm always sociable whenever I go out. Yet as of now, all I want to do is get drunk, hit on random woman. Become a stupid social butterfly, something I loathed my whole life. I can't stand myself, I can't breathe when I'm with by myself.

 

For the first time in my life, I wanted to tell my story. I feel victimized, and I really have this weird urge to be loved. I'm impatient. I don't know why, I can't just stand being myself.

 

You know the saddest part? Her family and her friends cried on the phone, when I gave them the news. They respected me so much. Plus, she'll call man, try to get back to where things are. I don't know when, but this **** will happen. But I won't take her back. But does that even matter? I'm already becoming the stupid person that I had dealt with for almost 2 years. But I insist on one thing: I don't miss her, I don't want revenge or anything. I just want my old self back.

 

And I think I'll never become that reasonable, understanding man in any of my relationships ever again and probably act like a total a sshole. Because that's how I feel.

 

I guess I need a hug.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

[redacted]

 

I think that due to your Father’s early passing, you had to grow up fast and never had a rebellion stage when you were a teenager.

 

You are stuck. It is healthy to rebel in order to find yourself and make it to the love stage. This stage is where you learn to love yourself.

 

I think some therapy will help you to resolve inner child issues.

Edited September 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[FMW]

As I'm sure you've heard before, we can't control how people treat us (beyond cutting off their access to us), but we can and do control how we respond to what they've done.

 

It's ok to feel a little sorry for yourself for awhile, but only for a short while. After that, you're choosing to be miserable and to become an A**hole, if that's what happens.

 

(BTW, there are many steps between being too understanding and being an A**hole, in your next relationship don't be understanding of unacceptable behavior, but you don't have to move straight to the other extreme.)

 

Definitely seek counseling to help you work through this experience as well as past wounds. How you feel right now most certainly does not need to linger if you seek help in dealing with it and moving through it.

[books2]

Sup Moody...

 

Honestly, she might have been a negative influence on you. But you really can't blame anyone else for things you tolerate and things you now do. 

 

Alcohol can definitely be a crutch for some people. I don't see what positive you would get out.

 

3 years is a long time, and it's only natural to feel empty after you break up. There will be a empty whole in your life for a while and you need to accept what is, especially if you've convinced yourself that you don't want her back.  

 

At this point, it's the best possible time you can have at working on yourself and improving yourself. Learn to make peace with the loneliness in your life, learn to make yourself happy by treating yourself well and accomplishing goals. 

 

You're at a crossroad and there are different paths you can take from here... You can go the destructive route and let yourself be beaten by the situation while treating your symptoms with alcohol. Or you can take the constructive route and take the opportunity to grow and better yourself from the experience.

 

You do sound like a smart and reasonable dude. I feel for you, your childhood does sound brutal and I can certainly understand how it can still affects you today. I think the best individuals in this world are those who overcome hardship and struggle. You've overcome a lot already and I doubt this breakup will ultimately break you. You just need to find your path and be comfortable walking it alone for a while until you are ready for the next person in your life. 

 

Good luck mate... If you feel like therapy would help, definitely go for it! Obviously it's much better than a self dealt alcohol therapy where you screw some opportunities and feel even more miserable afterwards.

[FMW]

You've had some hard challenges in your life and this girl broke your heart.  But now's the time to use all of that to be stronger and smarter and get going with the rest of your life.  

 

Keep getting out there and meeting women.  If you continue to get "blotto" then seek help.  But honestly, although not healthy, it's not that unusual to have those nights when you're getting over a breakup.  Remember how it made you feel and work on moderating your drinking and putting more focus on interactions with other people - specifically women you find interesting.  

 

Letting yourself identify as a victim is unproductive and can become destructive.  See all those life challenges as things that made you stronger and more interesting.  

[CuddlesWithCthulhu]

Hey, Moody.

 

First of all, just actively knowing what you want to be and trying to be a decent person for your partner is very sel-aware and awesome of you. My situation is fairly similar. She was clingy and insecure, I was the calm, strong, and comforting one. After I learned she was in a relationship so soon after we decided to part, I fell apart and became all that she was. I was perfectly fine being alone, now I'm starved for attention and love like I had for a year and a half. It's like withdrawal. The chemical dependence of intimacy.

 

I'm even starting to wonder if I was used for her own comfort. I think that I was a rebound for her. But none of that matters. Feeling that way won't solve anything, and we can't turn back time and do things differently. There's only what we can control. Don't let it turn self-destructive. The truth is you are still that calm, decent guy that wants to be good to his girl. Don't forget that. We just have to get back to ourselves, and that will take time.