How to find inner peace [again]?

[Fleiss]

Hi, I’m a 37-year- old single guy who was not a problem child for parents in bringing no real worries to them from the outside world. But, I am not perfect either – one of my flaws is that especially earlier in life would sometimes find myself overreacting to even something being not too important, after all. For example, I remember making my mother cry a couple of times, when I would visit my parents, due to her not having taken care of the house at all. Feeling frustrated about the large house being pretty filthy, I would clean it well, but unfortunately at the same time reproaching my mother about its condition. She has always been a sensitive person, and my criticism was inappropriate, as it was their house after all. But she was so forgiving, in no time making peace with me feeling sh*t , as a result of my impatience and frustration. (My two older brothers wouldn’t bother to do any cleaning, nor say anything either.)

My mother (72) was affected with dementia about 4 years ago – she is approaching stage 6 now. While I have been much more helpful to them under these circumstances – I spent the entire passing August annual leave taking care of mom and dad - I can hardly find peace in my thoughts now seeing my mother die bit by bit each passing day, and with the above-mentioned fleeting incidents haunting me, even though they happened when my mother was mentally sane. Is there a way to find my inner peace [again]? Thanks.

[schlumpy]

Inner peace is overrated and for the majority of us unattainable. Many people I know could slip right into your shoes and that includes me. My Aunt has dementia and just recently went to a nursing home. It was quite shocking to see her last week and elicited many of the same emotions you related about your mother. There were times I was not on my best behavior with her but she forgave me.

 

It is one of life's lessons where you learn to deal with death.

 

I've never been particularly good at it.

[Fleiss]

Inner peace is overrated and for the majority of us unattainable. Many people I know could slip right into your shoes and that includes me. My Aunt has dementia and just recently went to a nursing home. It was quite shocking to see her last week and elicited many of the same emotions you related about your mother. There were times I was not on my best behavior with her but she forgave me.

 

It is one of life's lessons where you learn to deal with death.

 

I've never been particularly good at it.

 

Could you please say something more about your emotions you're experiencing?

(For about a year - except this passing August I mentioned above - my parents, since mom became much worse, have been living with my married middle brother, whose wife, in particular, has been really patient and helpful with mom. Earlier, they had been living in their house in our hometown, which is a 5-hour drive from where we all live now. I would visit them there every other weekend to help, including my 1-month leave spending with them there..Here I see them and help around on weekends.)

Edited September 16, 2019 by Fleiss

[preraph]

It's I guess hard for younger people who've not suffered any infirmity to realize how limiting it is for older folks like myself. Some people are better at empathizing and using forethought than others. I think you misdirected your anger at your mother when it was rightly best aimed at your siblings.

 

If you apologize to her now for it specifically, she may not remember, but you'll feel better. And if you continue to help any way you can, keep her in her familiar surroundings as long as possible (so hard to adjust to a new place especially with illness and dementia), and just do the best you can. Forgive yourself. You may have complained and blamed, but you helped her all the same. So apologize to her and make her as happy as you can now.

[Mr. Lucky]

Is there a way to find my inner peace [again]? Thanks.

 

One of my favorite quotes is from Vernon Law, who said:

 

"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward"

 

True for all of us. I think you balance the ledger and honor your Mom by paying it forward. Having learned the hard way, you treat people with more patience, kindness and consideration under similar circumstances. Absent a time machine, all you can do...

 

Mr. Lucky

[schlumpy]

Could you please say something more about your emotions you're experiencing?

 

I feel despair. It would help if I could do something meaningful. She has her own room but she can no longer walk and she has to be fed. I go there and I basically sit in a chair. For all intents and purposes she is no longer there. I could spend some money on her for a tv set or a radio but she no longer has a use for either. I might feel better if I did.

 

It's really just a death vigil. The outcome is assured it's only the time frame that is in question.

 

It does bring back many memories for my wife and I that we shared with my Aunt. I just feel so damn helpless and a bit frightened if I may admit that.