It`s been almost 3 years and I (34M) am still drifting aimlessly through life

[jwspark85]

2 and a half years ago, my ex of 6 years, a girl I truly loved, broke up with me. It would take some time to write down the reasons for the break-up. So, to be brief, she fell in love with a co-worker and decided to call it quits, 8 months before our wedding. It messed me up really bad, but after the first couple of months, I somewhat accepted what happened and decided to get my life back on track.

 

That has been 2 and a half years ago and I must finally admit that I got lost along the way. I always thought, that in time, everything that happened would make sense. That something would eventually make all the misery worth it. But after all those months (years) I still don`t see the point of it all.

 

On the outside you wouldn`t think there is something wrong with me. I have a great job, I have hobbies, travel a lot, eat healthy, go to gym. God, I even spoke to a therapist, but none of this made me feel any better.

 

... and before anyone suggests it, I also tried dating other people. Over the last 2 and a half years I did go on a few dates, but you can count them on one hand. Thing is, dating and attracting the opposite sex were always hard for me (let`s say that rejection is an old friend of mine). Also, I realised meeting single women (or just making new friends) has become increasingly harder in my 30s.

 

So, I go to work every day, spend some time on my hobbies, eat, sleep. But most of the time I feel like I`m on autopilot. I look at other people my age and feel like life is passing me by.

Most of my friends have moved on in life, they are buying houses, having kids etc. I really have no idea what the f*ck i`m doing.

 

Sorry, If this feels like I`m rambling. I don't really know the point of this post other than to try to put my sadness outside of myself for a little while… and to share my feelings in a place where maybe I won't be judged so harshly.

[Marc878]

Everyone is affected differently.

 

Look man, you're still very young. 2 years maybe right for you and who you are.

 

There is no cookie cutter timeline for everyone.

 

The bright side is you weren't married and had kids or this would've been much, much worse.

 

You'll be a lot wiser and smarter than most your age.

 

There is no one and only soulmate. There are many that could fit that bill.

 

You'll be fine long term

[Blind-Sided]

As Mark said... there's no time line. But... I do get the feeling that you are still longing for what was... and as long as you are... then it's harder to move forward.

 

 

I'm assuming your hobbies don't have women involved? I've been into model aircraft since I was a kid, and there are very few women in that. But... if your hobbies can have a social aspect were women can be involved... then that may be a place to start. (Finding a club or local group)

 

 

We all feel your pain here, and feel free to just say what you are thinking.

[Marc878]

You are maintaining NC? No Facebook, etc?

 

Did you move locations and take a better job? Sometimes that helps. Its busier, keeps you more occupied, etc. you can't think of two things at once.

 

Try some group meet ups, etc.

 

Usually when you least expect it you'll meet someone awesome.

 

Don't rush yourself. That may actually hinder your progress.

[OP080294]

Hey,

 

Dont compare yourself to what other people are doing or you will just add unwanted pressure! Sounds like your doing what all us single people are doing, just getting on with life. Stick to the plan and know that this is all a process that we have to go through. Hang out with friends if you can. Where you hoping this girl would come back into your life at some stage?

[preraph]

I'm sorry. What you went through was really rough. Some of the people here I've had the most sympathy for were dumped while engaged to be married. It's like you have all that love and hope and then it's just gone to crap.

 

You've got to get the anger out of you, for a start. Get in the car and turn the music up and scream it out. Be sure you're doing something violent at the gym. I got mine out in water aerobics (I'm a woman) using milk gallon jugs boxing under the water, giving him a good wallop! My instructor noticed and said I need to get back to my roots or something. Haha. Seriously, get it OUT. The stress will eat you up from the inside, paralyze you. Then after the water beating I gave the feckless toad, I did the relaxing stretches, and especially the ones for the face, neck and shoulders left me feeling so much more human. It was a start.

 

I want to pump you up about your age though. I truly think men in their 30s are at their prime. Now, don't fall into the trap of trying to date 20 year olds, though, or they'll make you feel old fast. Stay over the age the brain matures (25 and above) at least. Still, most younger 20 year olds will think you're old. Just the way it is. It's generational. They can see when you're not from their era. Best bet, someone around 30. If you can deal with kids, then there's lots of 30-something single mothers. You won't be their Number 1 priority (kids always are) but if you can deal with it, there's lots out there, perfectly good women who'd find you attractive.

 

You're actually at a great age to find someone. You're just not in the right head space. You probably have a dark cloud over your head that people sense. So make yourself smile and laugh and open up your face when you see people, men and women. Try to be social with friends of all types. The more you socialize the more used to it you'll be and more people you'll ultimately meet. Don't for a moment think that no other woman is ever going to interest you. It's a numbers game. You have not met the right one, that's all. Keep trying.

 

Every day, shower and shave and look nice so even if you only go out for bread you will look nice and be confident if that's where you meet someone. You never know where it will be, but like auto accidents, it usually happens within a close periphery to home. So be ready. And don't tell this story to any new dates. Save it. You don't want them feeling sorry for you as their first impression.

 

Do new things, new hobbies, stay active, find joy, watch funny tv and movies that will make you laugh, and get a couple of rescue dogs.

[fromheart]

That was a harsh blow, it takes sometime to recover from that. You're doing pretty good though, considering you're carrying tat emotional injury.

 

Sure, some people have houses but your doing a lot better than many also. Do remember that.

 

3 years after, your still going to feel it. You've been doing great, just hang on in there.

[destroyedlife]

yeah it does suck when women flake like that. it seems like options and hormones put this overwhelming feeling on women that they need to breed with an alpha. it really is true that theres a mating season for humans, dont feel too bad, my ex left me twice once for another guy, the second time i think she cheated but wont tell me, anyways we have a kid together, just be thankful you two dont

[schlumpy]

You are in an emotional void. What is keeping you there? What happened during the breakup? Was it vicious and acrimonious? Did she go out of her way to hurt you?

 

I apologize for any images I may be stirring up but it seems like you have been pinned against a wall with knives. Unable to move.

 

You have given up on women.

 

Are you keeping tabs on her?

[Inspire]

Don't be so hard on yourself. People can be at vastly different points in their life and be the same age. Focus on what is, and not what should be. If you're happy with yourself and your life then you're ready to date, but the moment you try to find happiness through a partner you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.

 

Finding a special connection isn't always easy, but you get what you put in and rejection isn't the end of the world but it can feel that way if you let it. The right person will come along and they'll love you for who you are, imperfections and all but you have to try. As one of my favorite songs says, you have to lose before you win.

[winny]

There is no fixed timeline when you will start to feel better. For me, after I started to feel better, for few months after that I did not feel any attraction to the opposite sex. Even the hottest man would arouse zero feelings in me. I kept doing the daily mundane stuff for months till one day suddenly i felt attracted to someone... and I realized that I have been healed. I don't know when exactly that happened but must have been while I was busy doing the same boring stuff each and every day. So hang on there. It will get better. Try to use this time to introspect and become a better person.

[books2]

So, to me, it really sounds like you just don't know where the next step would be in your life.

 

You are going through life in a routine way and watching the days go by without really feeling like there is a trajectory in it.

 

You compare yourself with others and feel like you are falling behind and not accomplishing.

 

Personally, I think you should sit down and define concrete goals for your life... Short, medium and long term goals and work towards them...

 

You say others are buying houses... Well, what is stopping you from doing this? Maybe you should try to fix a goal to accumulate the proper cashdown within 1-2 years and then purchase a home for yourself.

 

I understand that such goals are easier with someone, but you can accomplish this by yourself and be really proud of it.

 

It's funny, we are in a similar situation... I'm 35 y old male... And I've also been recovering from a hard break up 3 years ago.

 

I wish I had a career situation sorted out like yours... I've been working on a contract for the last 7 years that has been very lucrative and would allow me to buy a house in my area, cash... But eventually, I know the contract will end and I need to figure out what I will do afterwards... Essentially, I was just very very lucky to land this work opportunity and know that I don't have the skills for something else afterwards. The company I work for as been aggressively shipping work to other cheaper countries, so, I would be a fool to think it would last forever. I'm looking at buying a business or something, but frankly, I do wish I had something more stable, like you...

 

Anyways, it sounds like there is a lot of positive in your life... You need to focus your attention to that and not let the things that you haven't yet accomplished drag you down!

 

Good luck