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Dumbfounded...can someone be that bold and direct?

Springsummer

By Springsummer,
in General Relationship Discussion

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Maddie82

Maddie82

Posted
Posted
I desperately want a relationship, but only with someone I am attracted to. If not, I can be single forever. This has never changed.

 

Attraction/lust is black and white for me. It's either there or not. romance with someone I am not attracted to? oh, please. makes me want to puke. That's insanity to me.

 

This comment is insanity to me and it is why you will never get anywhere. Attraction doesn't have to be instant. What's wrong with getting to know someone first and letting the attraction develop? You are too judgmental and it's not working for you is it.

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elaine567

elaine567

Posted
Posted

Attraction is important.

Most women consider a guy by assessing whether they can kiss him, get up close and personal with him or have sex with him.

Then she decides yes, no or maybe. It can be a quick decision.

If it is a no, then there is no point in taking things any further.

Yes is self explanatory and "maybe" is usually where these "growing attractions" come from.

I see no point in leading men on to think they have a chance when they don't.

 

Springsummer needs to consider whether she is turning down all but the very "hot" and desirable, and if she is, then she may need to consider fine tuning her dial to a more realistic level.

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chillii

chillii

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Yeah something like l was thinking, nothing to do with this guy there's obviously no interest there. Just wondering though Spring and just ignore if you'd rather not say all cool, but what your in your 40s or so , have you had a long relationship or marriage ?

Of course it's none of my business if it's none of my business .

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Johnjohnson2017

Johnjohnson2017

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OP You need to overcome your shyness.

 

If you find someone you are attracted to, try to make a move, Start a conversation, small talk.

 

You stated you are very picky and want a relationship badly, you will have to make the first move. You know who you are attracted to and as you stated, it's either there or it's not in the moment you see him (for you).

 

 

Talk to the guy you are interested in. You work in the same company so I'm sure you run into each other relatively often. He's seen you many times. It is difficult to start a conversation but once you break the ice, it shoulden't be that bad.

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d0nnivain

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted (edited)

Springsummer

 

I get the part about only wanting to date somebody you are attracted to. I am the same way. If I didn't feel that spark I knew it would never develop. However, lust could grow into love. That said, I was broad minded. If he was OK, I'd give it a try for at least one date. That was part of the reason I gave up on OLD. I felt compelled to meet them, then ended up wasting everybody's time when I just couldn't see myself kissing the guy.

 

From what you have posted, I can hear the desperation in your pleas for a relationship but somehow between the lines I genuinely get the sense that something is off with you. You insist it's just that you are picky but I sense a fear under here & you mask it by claiming to be picky.

 

I was incredibly picky. As an adult (over 22) I had very high standards but they were always met. I never settled on the relationship side even when I was giving somebody a chance; the only thing I gave a chance on was looks when I was participating in OLD. My "requirements" were:

 

handsome / attractive

 

quick / witty, dry sense of humor

 

well educated

 

had to be gallant -- opening doors, helping me on with my coat etc.

 

likes to travel

 

financially stable / responsible with money

 

able to mix in casual & formal settings

 

likes formal settings / owns his own tuxedo or was willing to buy one shortly after dating me

 

well dressed but comfortable in jeans (most of my dates wore suits & a tie on a 1st date but I prefer that)

 

hair shorter then mine

 

prefer no earrings or tattoos but no more then 1 hole per ear & the earrings had to be smaller then mine (bear in mind I married a guy with 5 tattoos & I hate ink)

 

not married while I'
m
dating him

 

emotionally mature & available

 

good conversationalist

 

if he had kids they had to be young enough to biologically be mine

 

strong enough to let me be weak

 

If I posted that list here as a single woman lamenting her inability to find a good man, I'd get my head bitten off for having unrealistic expectations. But honestly all 5 guys that I dated seriously -- as in had a relationship with not just a few dates -- since turning 22 including my husband met all of those criteria. My husband certainly isn't perfect. I love the beach. He hates the beach; he burns easily, doesn't like sand & it triggers his PTSD from his time in dessert warfare. He's stoic & doesn't communicate hardly at all but if you get him in a conversation he can speak on a variety of subjects. I just dare not asking him about <gasp> a feeling. :eek: He hates dancing & he's one of the least romantic people I have ever met. I call him Mr. Nomance but if I design a fabulous romantic date he will show up & play his part so I can't really complain.

 

Do realize that many of the things on my list had to be determined later. They weren't readily apparent upon meeting so I had to give the guy a chance & go on a date or 2 with him to get to know him.

 

I am imploring you to give people more of a chance. You might be pleasantly surprised.

Edited by d0nnivain
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Springsummer

Springsummer

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Attraction is important.

Most women consider a guy by assessing whether they can kiss him, get up close and personal with him or have sex with him..

 

You nailed it. That's exactly what it comes down to.

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Springsummer

Springsummer

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Springsummer

 

From what you have posted, I can hear the desperation in your pleas for a relationship but somehow between the lines I genuinely get the sense that something is off with you. You insist it's just that you are picky but I sense a fear under here & you mask it by claiming to be picky.

 

I am imploring you to give people more of a chance. You might be pleasantly surprised.

 

I really appreciate your concern.

 

I thought about the fear factors...no sure what are those... I need to really think and analyze further...insecurity, idealistic, critical...thinking hurts my brain...

 

will try to be open-minded......but single ain't that bad either?

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Springsummer

Springsummer

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Every time I open a new topic, I worry/wonder if the person I post about will come to this forum and read the thread...but what's the chance? I will just take my chance as I really need to vent.

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basil67

basil67

Posted
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will try to be open-minded......but single ain't that bad either?

 

I would suggest that having faith in yourself and therefore, being more able to be in a relationship is better :)

 

Forgive me if I missed your response, but have you been seeing a psychologist to build up your self image and confidence? If so, what strategies have you been learning?

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basil67

basil67

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ok maybe "sexual harassment" was a bit harsh.

 

Yeah, sexual harrassment is generally something which happens over a sustained period of time. The same way that "bullying" is viewed. It would have to be something *really* inappropriate to make a report the first time something happened.

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d0nnivain

d0nnivain

Posted
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but single ain't that bad either?

 

Single is bad when you want to be part of a couple. It's not that single is bad it's just you feel like you are missing something.

 

Having a SO is fun. You get a built in playmate, somebody to do things with. You never have to eat alone & there's somebody there when you are happy, sad, horny, bored etc.

 

I am in no way suggesting that you enter into a relationship with an unsuitable person. I am encouraging you to talk to more people & to possibly go on short dates (get coffee, have one drink, spend less then an hour) with guys who you may have questions or reservations about, not the ones who are a hell no, but the ones you are on the fence about. Give the guy a chance to win you over. Do be prepared to pay your own way & possibly his on these dates.

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alphamale

alphamale

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Yeah, sexual harrassment is generally something which happens over a sustained period of time.

 

not really, a man could pinch her bottom or touch her breasts

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basil67

basil67

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Posted
not really, a man could pinch her bottom or touch her breasts

 

Which is why I put the caveat of "It would have to be something *really* inappropriate to make a report the first time something happened" in that post.

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chillii

chillii

Posted
Posted (edited)
Every time I open a new topic, I worry/wonder if the person I post about will come to this forum and read the thread...but what's the chance? I will just take my chance as I really need to vent.

 

 

 

 

Me too , so l never leave anything in a post or thread like where l am or what l do, stuff, details, or l mix them up. just encase. l've actually seen people l know in forums on the other side of the world, even a friends wife pouring it out, small world these days so l don't trust any of this stuff.

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