One Year Later

[NotADayGoesBy]

It's actually a little over a year later; I've procrastinated in writing this post. This has been the most difficult year of my life.

 

Cliff notes version: I'm married; I started EA with married co-worker only to find out he was already in an affair with another married colleague/friend. Four months after he tells me about the affair (but not who; I had to suffer through feeling gaslit as I figured out who) she leaves her husband and 6 months later he leaves his wife. The are now together.

 

Anyway. The only reason I'm even writing this is because I was so heartbroken and so desperate to know why I was feeling the way I was and how long it would last, that I came here often as a means of support. It helped a lot in the beginning and then I felt it was almost hindering my getting over it/him so I stopped coming. But I thought it would be helpful for someone just starting to come out on the other side to check in. I'm by no means completely fine or completely over him or the whole situation, but I'm not the completely kicked dog mess I was a year ago.

 

If you are new to this board, I'm sorry for what your'e going through. You will get through this, but it may take a lot of time. If it does, the best thing you can do is just be patient with yourself, as grief is not linear. I'm a year in and I'm still working on it; this is embarrassing to me, so it's been hard to be patient with myself. I thought I'd be over it all in 3 months.

 

The best advice I got from this board was to look inside and figure out what was wrong with ME, if I wanted to know why I ended up in an affair. And by "wrong" I mean, what issues did I need to personally become aware of and address before I got to the root of why I ended up as a MOW. This has been a really difficult thing to do, and has taken a lot of time and therapy.

 

Speaking of which, if you can at all manage to go, it's worth every penny to take care of your mental health. Also, if you feel like you aren't getting anywhere don't give up--find a new therapist. I went through 4 other therapists until I found my current one. The other ones weren't bad--I learned something from all of them--but I knew they weren't helping me get to the deep down "why". That was hard for me to keep trying new ones, but it was worth it. I feel like I'm getting somewhere with the one I have now.

 

I know some people have affairs because they are in terrible marriages. Mine is not like that, so I couldn't understand why I did this. But in addition to the issues with myself that led me there, I realized my marriage needed working on (obvious now). I'm not blaming my H, just saying that I started to see some things we both contributed to, that contributed to my general feeling of dissatisfaction. You can be married to a great person who is a great parent and it doesn't mean the marriage doesn't have problems, which is something I didn't think was true before hand. We both are very conflict avoidant which we're working on.

 

I never had a D day and some will say that not telling my H about the affair was a mistake. Perhaps they are right. My therapist is of the opinion that telling would do more harm than good.

 

Overall things are better, but they are improving at a glacial pace, which has frustrated me, but I'm trying to accept it. I try not to get surprised when I have a bad day or week, because that's how things seem to go--two steps forward, one step back.

 

Thanks for sharing your stories and making the rest of us feel not so alone during a very desperate time.

[mark clemson]

Sounds like you are past the top of the distress hill and now on the downward slope. Good job!

[BaileyB]

I’m glad to hear you are doing better.

 

It was painful to read your posts last year, because you were so clearly hung up on this guy and really suffering with the end of the affair... and it was so obvious that he was not a good guy. Perhaps you still struggle with the fact that he left his wife to get with his other affair partner but trust me - you are the real winner here. I would never want to be in that relationship. A man who has multiple affairs is not a good man. You dodged a bullet, most definitely.

 

Best wishes on your path to self discovery.

[DKT3]

Unfortunately, like I told you last time you were posting, your marriage will stagnate. Sure you can stay married but there will be no real growth. Not really because your not confessing but because you dont value your husband enough to confess. There is a difference. Not valuing him means you will never really make yourself vulnerable, without vulnerability you can never have true closeness.

 

If I recall correctly, you guys dont communicate well and because of that have a blah sexlife. with is yet another example of your inability to be vulnerable with your husband and in your marriage.

 

Yeah you can stay married, maybe even be somewhat happy. But most likely, this is it, what you have right now is as good as it will ever be because you dont really value your husband or your marriage.

[Bittersweetie]

I agree with Bailey that your posts were painful to read, and I am so glad that you have sought help. It is not easy to face our poor choices head on and deal with them directly. It is a sign of strength that you've been able to do that.

 

I do have to say that I disagree with your therapist about telling, in terms of more harm than good. If you've read my posts you know what I am going to say...by your husband not knowing, you are taking away the truth of his life. What choices has he made in the past year (and before) would've been affected by what you did? It is a valid point to think about, one I am willing to discuss further if you would like. IME, I am much happier and content with my life living honestly and authentically.

 

Also, DKT3 has a valid point in terms of vulnerability. I think about my marriage before d-day and after. Before we didn't have the connection we have today. Today, my H is my best friend. To get there however, I had to hurt him deeply and become completely vulnerable. It was like jumping off a cliff where I had no idea what was below. But the vulnerability has made us both closer and stronger, as we recognize in each other the scars, the pain, the growth...everything we've been through, we've gone through together. I realize that may not be the case for everyone though.

 

Recovery from an affair is a journey, not a destination. And you are moving forward with positive steps! Keep going.

[BlindsidedTwice]

Thank you for coming back. It is very helpful for those of us who are “just starting” to come out the other side. My A has been over for almost 2 months so I feel like I should be over it - and sometimes it does feel that way! But sometimes it feels like I’m still in it or that I’m in those early days of NC where everything hurt.

 

I am in therapy now and working through the “why did I do this?” aspect. I am learning some ugly and painful truths about myself. Similar to you, my marriage is not terrible... and so that brings me to the DDay/confession part of your post. Last night I read through your entire “Thinking About Confessing” thread from February. So much insight. I guess my question is - do you feel there is something still there holding you back from being close with your husband? Is it on your mind when you’re having an intimate moment with him? Or when you’re having a serious conversation about your marriage? When he says he’s sorry for something, anything, do you want to tell him, “no don’t be sorry. I’m the bad guy here.”? If you felt that way, did it eventually fade? Or is there still a barrier there? After a year, is your decision final? Or do you still think of confessing? This part has become a major struggle/hurdle for me.

Edited September 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[DKT3]

@blindsided twice

 

I believe you will struggle with not confessing for a very long time.

 

When I first started posting here there was a WW who had been divorced for five or six years. Her BH had moved on with his life and was engaged. They had no children together and really no reason to maintain any kind of connection. One day she emailed her ex husband and wanted to talk. You know what's coming.

 

She confessed, told him she thought about it almost every day since they divorced and it ate away at her and her relationship with the OM.

 

Point in sharing that story is 99% of wayward spouses love their spouse, maybe not In a romantic way anymore but still. Whenever you deceive someone you love there is a heavy price to pay. I think this is where those in the take it to the grave camp underestimate.

 

Back to the story, after confessions she said the way he reacted made her wonder how she could have ever lost him. Told her he always suspected her affair but said he figured it made her happy and he loved her enough to just get out of her way. He thanked her wished her luck and walked away.

 

There is no escaping. Even if the marriage ends there is no guarantee. If the marriage doesn't end it will absolutely have a negative impact because it will always keep a barrier up that will prevent a truly deep authentic relationship.

 

My wife slipped up and said too much, later tried to retract but it was too late. The slip up was the last piece of the puzzle for me. BS are often in denial, rarely are the clueless.

[BlindsidedTwice]

DKT- I didn’t mean to T/J but I really appreciate your direct response. Deep down, I know you are right, but when I see a WW posting here, I scramble and get desperate to know if she found some sort of magic solution. Like maybe there is another way to POOF just make it all go away. Pretty immature thinking, I know.

[NotADayGoesBy]

 

Also, DKT3 has a valid point in terms of vulnerability. I think about my marriage before d-day and after. Before we didn't have the connection we have today. Today, my H is my best friend. To get there however, I had to hurt him deeply and become completely vulnerable. It was like jumping off a cliff where I had no idea what was below. But the vulnerability has made us both closer and stronger, as we recognize in each other the scars, the pain, the growth...everything we've been through, we've gone through together. I realize that may not be the case for everyone though.

 

Recovery from an affair is a journey, not a destination. And you are moving forward with positive steps! Keep going.

 

Hi, I didn't mean to drop my post and run; I got really busy at work and then had some outpatient surgery so I haven't had time to check in, or the privacy to write. I thank you all for your replies.

 

You and DKT3 have an excellent point about vulnerability, which builds intimacy, which is ironically one of the things that led me to the affair--lack of intimacy. You both may be right in that I'll never get very far in having the relationship I want. I will give it more serious thought, but I will confess (no surprise I'm sure) that I'm not sure I'm brave enough to tell him.

 

Your story and posts have been very helpful, so thank you for sharing it again and again. I think you were the person who most stressed that you had to look within yourself to fix what was broken. It's been a long and frustrating search, but ultimately I think I will be way better in the long run.

[NotADayGoesBy]

DKT- I didn’t mean to T/J but I really appreciate your direct response. Deep down, I know you are right, but when I see a WW posting here, I scramble and get desperate to know if she found some sort of magic solution. Like maybe there is another way to POOF just make it all go away. Pretty immature thinking, I know.

 

Hi Blindsided. I think we all want a magic way to make the pain go away and make our lives and relationships better, so you are not alone.

 

My affair obviously put a wedge between us, but it was already there. I think my H is just happy enough with a kind of superficial relationship. It's not like we had this deep connection that got ruined. I don't know how to explain it--I guess like a lot of men, he's not super into talking about feelings, etc. so while we care about each other and share things and enjoy each other's company, it still has a feeling of superficiality to it.

 

I do think about telling him if we ever move (he almost got another job last spring--I'm hoping he will this spring). It just seems unbearable to tell him while we are all still living and working so close to one another (for him and me). I don't doubt we were both given good advice by DKT3 and Bitter, but it's easier said than done.

 

I hope you are doing well--certainly, better than I was doing at two months in. Sometimes I can't believe I made it through the worst of it without losing it completely. The weird thing is that if you knew me in real life you'd be shocked to hear me confess to being such an emotional wreck on the inside.

[DKT3]

It's as easily done as said once you reach the point that you genuinely want to change your situation. It's been my experience that MW dont really want to improve thier situation at home for a long time after an affair, they are still in the my marriage is horrible stage and more interested in thier AP.

 

Also, it's a bit of wishful thinking by so many WW that the husband is "happy" with the marriage. Its clearly the case here since you've admitted he doesn't talk to you about his feelings...so how do you know he is happy?

 

Read around, notice all the men posting here about the possibility that the wife is cheating...then note how many times they've said nothing to her. Yet almost every WW here believes that her husband is clueless.

[Jordan's thoughts]

Any updates? Did you end up confessing..Remember things left unsaid scream the loudest in silence or poison the tongue that holds them,  consequences will manifest one way or another best get ahead of it