Horticultured Posted September 17, 2019 Share Posted September 17, 2019 Making a long story as short as concise as possible, my ex had been sober for 3 years following a DUI when we met. He was an all or nothing kind of guy and struggled with dependency on caffeine, nicotine, and alcohol in favor of harder substances while we were dating. I know addiction is an illness so I did my best to be as helpful, supportive, and encouraging as I could. As his friends started returning from summer break, he had been spending a lot of time with them. These were the friends he had made before he got sober and had actively been trying to sabotage his sobriety since day 1. Over the summer he had expressed being fed up with this group of friends, saying he was afraid to move in with his new roommate as he feared this roommate would affect his sobriety, that he was done with another friend after said friend went on an anti-Semitic rant, and how he worried for another friend addicted to opioids and cocaine. All of these friends hated me as my ex had been opting to spend time with me over them and had been trying to get him to break up with me. He had been predominantly spending time with all of these people and more like them for about 3 days before he broke up with me. I found out after we broke up that the night before he dumped me he had gotten high at work and quit his job, apparently with the encouragement of his friends. The day before we broke up he had been cuddled up with me, telling me how much he loved me and how important it was to him that I knew that. Less than 24 hours later he ended it. The whiplash of this change of heart is something I’m really struggling with. I’ve talked with him face-to-face once since we broke up, something I didn’t want to do but after receiving a strange phone call from him as he was tripping on acid I thought it would help me come to terms with what happened or at least get some closure. When we met up I didn’t recognize him. It had been less than a week but he was completely different. His eyes were the worst part. They were manic and bloodshot and I kept looking for the man I loved but I couldn’t find him. After a long and very public argument, I told him I never wanted to see or hear from him again and went home. Words can’t express how much I miss the version of him I knew. He was a compassionate, fun, and intelligent man who was the closest thing to perfect I’ve ever had. I loved him with all my heart, I thought I was going to marry him, I would have followed him anywhere. Seeing him like that broke my heart all over again. All I want is to talk to my boyfriend. For him to explain what happened. But I don’t want him back. As wonderful as I know he can be, knowing this side of him is lurking just below the surface and that it only takes a little bit of peer pressure for it to rear its ugly head is enough for me to know this is over even if he does find his sobriety again. That doesn’t stop me from missing him though. I keep thinking of ways I feel I could lure the old him back out, even if just for a moment. I work overnight shifts at a restaurant so I have a lot of free time and my mind has a tendency to race so I keep coming up with more and more insane ideas. I know none of them are rational and I don’t want everyone in my life to think I’m crazy so I’ve been keeping them to myself but I’ve been considering everything from sending him the angsty poems I’ve been writing to just jumping in front of a campus bus in an attempt to lose the memory of the breakup. I have a big support network and everyone in my life has been exceptionally kind but I know they’re getting tired of hearing about him. I’ve also been going to counseling. I do my best to keep busy, spend time with the people I love, and do the things that bring me joy but it’s been hard. I know time heals all wounds but I don’t know what to do until then. I would appreciate any advice anyone can offer. Thank you in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 17, 2019 Share Posted September 17, 2019 I guess he wasn't in AA or NA? If he had been, he would have known he can't keep his old friends. He certainly did cave in easily. It must be horrible to watch. But that's him choosing not to exercise control over himself. Nothing you can do about it. I think you are right to cut ties because if you don't, he'll be showing up drunk and probably get obnoxious at some point and break your heart begging and being pathetic. Make him feel the result of his choice by making yourself unavailable as someone to lean on. Otherwise, you'll be doing your part to enable him too. So sorry. I know it's heartbreaking. Addicts can't handle substances. Some people can do substances and are never addicts (until you get into the real hard ones like heroin). But he's already changed before your eyes. He can't handle it. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 18, 2019 Share Posted September 18, 2019 Yeah it's tragic. He probably needs a real treatment program to get out of this (once he wants to). Know that you'll get through this and that you're completely right to stay away. You dodged a bullet - think if you had married and had a child with this man and then this happens. Get through it and, once you're ready, move on. It's sadly the only thing you can do and the only thing that honors what you know are your own needs. Hopefully he'll get his act together one day soon, but agree you shouldn't take him back now that you know the risks. There's no future there if he can change so swiftly and drastically. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted September 18, 2019 Share Posted September 18, 2019 You can't draw out the 'old' person he was. He can only be that person if he wants to be. He stuck with the same bad influences that were hellbent on ruining his life and they won. With these so called 'friends' always in his life, nothing will change. They destroyed his sobriety, his job, his relationship and he let it happen. He's hit rock bottom and things just keep getting worse for him. No one can help until he helps himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Commongoal123 Posted September 18, 2019 Share Posted September 18, 2019 You can't control, influence, or change an addict. Look into Codependency for yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tamfana Posted September 18, 2019 Share Posted September 18, 2019 (edited) Words can’t express how much I miss the version of him I knew. He was a compassionate, fun, and intelligent man who was the closest thing to perfect I’ve ever had. I loved him with all my heart, I thought I was going to marry him, I would have followed him anywhere. Seeing him like that broke my heart all over again. I'm so sorry. I've been there and understand. I bet everyone who's loved an addict has said or felt what you wrote here. ^ I used to play Neil Young's Needle and the Damage Done as a reminder that this is how it goes with addicts and there is nothing we can do about it. "Every junkie's like a setting sun" meant to me- he was like a beaming sun and so beautiful even as his light went out. I'm so sorry. It's tragic. You're not alone though and there's nothing you could have done. He has free will. Edited September 18, 2019 by Tamfana Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted September 22, 2019 Share Posted September 22, 2019 I'm sorry. Although I've never been in a relationship with an addict (other than a friendship) I can imagine that you are going through a lot of different feelings. You want him back the way he was but you know deep down that he is very likely to let you down and leave you in an impossible situation. You need to do everything you possibly can to avoid getting back with your ex. It sounds as if your rational side is battling with the emotional side, but on the whole the rational side has a real grasp of the situation. I would imagine you are suffering from grief and confusion. I do get the feeling that you have had enough of all this torment over him and are calling it a day. This is very hopeful. A more positive future awaits where you are not battling these demons. You just need to hang in there till the pain of the break-up fades. x Link to post Share on other sites
CoderPro Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 The difficult part is, he has to want the sobriety for himself. He has to want to quit. My first husband was an alcoholic, though he would never admit to it. I was with him for 4.5 years and he drank about 4 - 5 nights majority of the time we were together. He would never say he had a problem. He would say he was having fun with his friends. I refused to have my children around that environment, no matter how much I loved him, and his drinking and such took him away from his kids. Link to post Share on other sites
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