Ogling people while in a relationship?

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Just wanted some opinions. My ex used to ogle other women and tell me about how hot they were. This really hurt me. How do feel about a partner (man or woman) ogling other people while in a relationship? Looking is fine, but IMHO you don't need to tell your partner about how hot this or that person was/is/

[Lotsgoingon]

A firing offense. One warning ... and they're fired.

 

Really, ogling signals something is off ... like the other person doesn't really want to be with us.

 

Beyond being humiliating and disrespectful (and designed to create insecurity in us) it's a huge red flag that says you're dating someone who is immature or conflicted about exclusivity.

 

No need for any negotiation or discussion. Warning and then a dumping.

[Gaeta]

I would not date a man like that. Usually this type of behavior shows up early in the relationship. The very first time a man would do this while with me would be the end of it. I know men look and it's normal but what you're describing is unacceptable, it's meant to put you down, make you feel bad about yourself, a man that does this has no respect for you.

[MsJayne]

It is absolutely not OK. This is the behaviour of an immature, passive-aggressive jerk. I'm glad he's your ex because any person, male or female, who does this to a partner is trying to project their insecurities and inadequacies on to you. Please don't ever tolerate this sort of abuse, (yes, it's emotional/psychological abuse), from any guy because a person who cares for you is NEVER cruel or dismissive towards you. As far as this behaviour from men goes, here's something I used to do when I was young and hot....

I'd be out somewhere, and it wasn't unusual for some oxygen thief with his long-suffering girlfriend/wife by his side, (like your ex), to give me a sly wink or a sleazy smile. I would loudly ask him why he was giving me the come-on and express my condolences to the girlfriend, then hope she had the smarts to dump his creepy ass.

[mortensorchid]

I think everyone looks when they see a person they think is cute. But to say something out loud to someone is pretty rude and foolish. One warning is ok but if it continues then reco side the whole situation.

[alphamale]

women check out hot men all the time but they do it on the sly so they rarely get caught. and then these same women rag on their bf/hubby for checking out other women

[I'veseenbetterlol]

It is absolutely not OK. This is the behaviour of an immature, passive-aggressive jerk. I'm glad he's your ex because any person, male or female, who does this to a partner is trying to project their insecurities and inadequacies on to you. Please don't ever tolerate this sort of abuse, (yes, it's emotional/psychological abuse), from any guy because a person who cares for you is NEVER cruel or dismissive towards you. As far as this behaviour from men goes, here's something I used to do when I was young and hot....

I'd be out somewhere, and it wasn't unusual for some oxygen thief with his long-suffering girlfriend/wife by his side, (like your ex), to give me a sly wink or a sleazy smile. I would loudly ask him why he was giving me the come-on and express my condolences to the girlfriend, then hope she had the smarts to dump his creepy ass.

 

Yeah that has caused me insecurities even in my current relationship. I was shocked when we went out he said "I can't believe there are so many hot women here". That was hurtful and from then on I knew he was prob constantly checking out other women. Totally started feeling like he wasn't all that into me.

[emeraldgreen]

Sneaking a peek is okay but telling the other person is lame.

[justwhoiam]

How do feel about a partner (man or woman) ogling other people while in a relationship?

I guess you mean in the partner's presence? If so, I'd feel I couldn't be with someone like that. I'd assume that such kind of complicity might be acceptable either in swinging couples, or where the woman is open to threesomes with another woman, or in (dirty) old men.

 

Men can have a quick look, but ogling - besides not being socially acceptable - is going to guarantee them a fight with their partner. At least, in my little corner of the world.

 

 

If the partner is not around... I guess it happens more frequently.

[Maggiemay1]

Yeah that has caused me insecurities even in my current relationship. I was shocked when we went out he said "I can't believe there are so many hot women here". That was hurtful and from then on I knew he was prob constantly checking out other women. Totally started feeling like he wasn't all that into me.

 

From a female point of view, I think you are overreacting.

You say your ex was “ogling” but that’s your choice of word and what others have responded to.

 

When an ex or your current bf says that another is hot , it is not cruel or dismissive to you. It’s an observation. Ogling is not just looking but being very perverted about it and flirting with body language or eye contact, trying to gain their attention.

 

Were the girls hot? I’m sure they were but why are you bothered ?

 

This sounds more about your self esteem to be honest?

Why can’t you say to your bf , oh that guy is ripped !?

Does that in your mind mean you love him less? No!

 

Have you communicated to your bf about this? In a rational logical way not from a jealous point of view??

[elaine567]

She is bothered because it s rude and disrespectful and a sign of having no manners.

She is not his wing man or drinking buddy, she is not someone he needs to impress with macho nonsense. We can all dismiss it as boys will be boys, but that is merely allowing men to put women down under the guise of "biology".

She is his gf/wife/partner and the woman he is sleeping with.

Checking out other women and telling her about it is a huge put down, and is deliberately designed to put her in her place ie bottom of the pile.

"Look at all these hot women here, and I have to put up with you..." is the message.

If he wants to go check out the "hot babes" and make his woman feel bad about herself and chip away at her self esteem, then he can do all that as a single man.

 

If any woman is pointing out ripped or handsome or classy or intelligent or rich guys out to her "partner", she is also sending out the message, "You ain't good enough..." or "I am trying to deliberately upset you to make you feel "less than"."

 

It is not something to just ignore.

[d0nnivain]

As you said, looking is fine. Ogling is not. There is a difference.

 

Not sure why he felt the need to comment. That too is crossing a line.

 

I mean sometimes well something has to be said but that's the exception. DH & I were walking down the street one cold January morning when a well endowed woman walked toward us. Her coat was open & she had on a thin low cut t-shirt with no bra. She was bouncing everywhere. You couldn't help but see. I think I even said "oh my" as my poor husband's eyes popped out of his head. But that wasn't how he reacted to every woman who crossed his path.

[Maggiemay1]

She is bothered because it s rude and disrespectful and a sign of having no manners.

She is not his wing man or drinking buddy, she is not someone he needs to impress with macho nonsense. We can all dismiss it as boys will be boys, but that is merely allowing men to put women down under the guise of "biology".

She is his gf/wife/partner and the woman he is sleeping with.

Checking out other women and telling her about it is a huge put down, and is deliberately designed to put her in her place ie bottom of the pile.

"Look at all these hot women here, and I have to put up with you..." is the message.

If he wants t I want someone who really knows my worth since the beginning. o go check out the "hot babes" and make his woman feel bad about herself and chip away at her self esteem, then he can do all that as a single man.

 

If any woman is pointing out ripped or handsome or classy or intelligent or rich guys out to her "partner", she is also sending out the message, "You ain't good enough..." or "I am trying to deliberately upset you to make you feel "less than"."

 

It is not something to just ignore.

 

“"Look at all these hot women here, and I have to put up with you..." is the message”

 

That’s the message that an insecure person receives but not the message intended.

 

Op, what do you think?? Are you suffering from low self esteem or do you walk in there with your bf agreeing with him that it’s full of hot men and women?

[alphamale]

DH & I were walking down the street one cold January morning when a well endowed woman walked toward us. Her coat was open & she had on a thin low cut t-shirt with no bra. She was bouncing everywhere. You couldn't help but see. I think I even said "oh my" as my poor husband's eyes popped out of his head. But that wasn't how he reacted to every woman who crossed his path.

 

did you put him in the dog house d0nnivain?

[elaine567]

That’s the message that an insecure person receives but not the message intended.

 

I really get fed up of the old "insecure" massage being levelled at women when men behave badly, disrespectfully and when they attempt to take women down.

What message do you think he is sending out?

Men are not stupid, they know exactly what they are doing... of course it is intended.

You may be as "secure" as you want to be in the face of a man making a big deal out of checking out other women, but it doesn't mean his intention was not to try to upset you and bring you down a peg.

Fine if that is the kind of man you want, but surely it is better to be with a more respectful, more mature man, a man whose intention is not to try to upset you and cause you to feel bad.

Because after a while of putting up with that, bad is exactly how you will feel.

[lurker74]

"Ogling" is never ok. With my ex-wife, we had a tacit agreement that it was OK to point out a particularly attractive person, mainly because you likely saw that person anyway and it's less tense to just say, "Wow..she's pretty" or "Gosh, that guy could be a movie star," than it was to pretend you didn't see it. But that was us and to be truthful, in a decade ish of marriage, I may have pointed out 5 women, a couple of which were more like d0nni's ridiculousness example than actually attractive.

 

But if that agreement doesn't exist, then it's inappropriate.

 

Now, having said that, I was dating someone seriously a year or so ago who accused me of ogling all the time. It was patently false. When I am in a restaurant, mall, or street (especially at night), I am very aware of my surroundings and so I do take in everyone, men and women. But she always thought that it was looking for hotties. That said a lot more about her than it did about me.

 

So, OP, it can depend on context.

[d0nnivain]

did you put him in the dog house d0nnivain?

 

Why would I do that?

 

My point was he looked a woman who was putting it all out there. He didn't turn his head to follow her with his eyes. He wasn't drooling.

 

A glance is just fine. Ogling is problematic. Ogling plus crass comments. . . just NO.

[alphamale]

because his eyes popped out of his head

[d0nnivain]

because his eyes popped out of his head

 

So did mine, although not in a good way for me.

 

Any woman who would "punish" a man in the context I described is very insecure indeed.

[kendahke]

Just wanted some opinions. My ex used to ogle other women and tell me about how hot they were. This really hurt me. How do feel about a partner (man or woman) ogling other people while in a relationship? Looking is fine' date=' but IMHO you don't need to tell your partner about how hot this or that person was/is/[/quote']

 

The only reason why he would gloat about and tell you how much better someone looked than you is because he lost all respect for your esteem and didn't care how his words affected you. Your relationship was over in that moment---how many more months/years after that incident did you stick around and let him know that it was ok for him to talk to you like that?

 

How would I feel? Like I was an idiot for giving this guy a scintilla of my time when he clearly didn't have the respect required to cover a flea.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

The only reason why he would gloat about and tell you how much better someone looked than you is because he lost all respect for your esteem and didn't care how his words affected you. Your relationship was over in that moment---how many more months/years after that incident did you stick around and let him know that it was ok for him to talk to you like that?

 

How would I feel? Like I was an idiot for giving this guy a scintilla of my time when he clearly didn't have the respect required to cover a flea.

 

We dated about 10ish months. That came up pretty early. I broke up w/him because of many negatives (ogling women was def one of them). This has made me a little insecure about myself.

[d0nnivain]

This has made me a little insecure about myself.

 

It shouldn't. You showed good boundaries. In the face of red flags you ended things. Him being badly behaved was not your fault. If anything your self care, not continuing to put up with his unacceptable conduct, should give you more faith in yourself. You know who you are & what you will tolerate.

[Tamfana]

It's tacky. I don't date tacky guys.

[Sam2020]

From a female point of view, I think you are overreacting.

You say your ex was “ogling” but that’s your choice of word and what others have responded to.

 

 

If that was her perception then so be it, it's her question.

 

It has nothing to do with insecurity or her own self worth. A man who would blatantly do this all the time would not be worth my time. I myself have never been with an oogler or a guy who stared at pretty women.

 

My ex used to look at attractive women, I knew that but he never blatantly stared. Of course I'd look at attractive guys too. I was married not blind. Each of us would glance and continue on. Sometimes I would comment, he never did.

 

Yeah a guy like that would be a one dater. Yuck

[The Outlaw]

It's BS. If you respect your partner, whether it be man or woman, you *DON'T* ogle. Period. It's beyond disrespectful and doesn't really paint a pretty picture.