Meeting with an ex’s mom

[junieb12]

So we are both early 20s. We dated for about 3 years and broke up 2-3 times basically once a year. He initiated all of them. I’ll say there were valid reasons and I was also contemplating it but I definitely never wanted us to be permanently over at any point. It felt like I had a more firm grasp that a breakup means losing them forever than he did considering he came back twice. First time was like 2 weeks and we kept in touch. 2nd time was 6 weeks. Kept in touch more sporadically. Pretty much me nudging for reconciliation and him regretting his decision/ still being in love and agreeing. This past time was 2 months ago and I was just so annoyed and hurt I went straight NC. Never any cheating or anything bad but we just argued a lot. The relationship was very close though. Don’t doubt he loved me a lot and he’s my best friend for sure. Treated me very kindly day to day. But he has had a very dysfunctional upbringing and it’s clear to me that he is more avoidant and quick to withdraw when overwhelmed. Whereas I’m the type to talk it out and resolve things even if that means arguing which he just had a lower tolerance for. I can forgive if he were to really address this just like I’m in therapy addressing my stuff. But its also clear to me what the pattern is now. If I could say what went wrong, it’s that I felt hurt from the past breakups and never took the time to heal and digest it because I was always convinced I wanted to get him back. I think this hurt turned to anger and resentment and in turn he got fed up with being blamed. Now with NC I feel like I’m finally working through it all and wish I would’ve done this the first time around because I never wanted our relationship to end, I was just hurt. I do think we could work fundamentally though. I think I’ve developed an empathy for his point of view that I didn’t have before. But the last I heard he did not want to work things out so I have to at least outwardly respect that which I’m doing.

 

Basically I was really upset when he ended it this last time. We had gotten pretty serious and I thought this was it. He made a dramatic exit out saying the relationship was unhealthy and it’s too much stress. He did try to soften it and say he cares and he knows I’m great but we just don’t get along but I could tell he was just fed up. This was after him recently insisting he was happy so I was frustrated but in hindsight I can see how one can simultaneously be in love but also know it’s not working. I didn’t really beg or plead. Tried to reason but ultimately I was just over it when I saw he wasn’t budging. About a month in, his mom contacts me to say happy birthday and offers to take me out to dinner. I found this odd because I have never seen her 1 on 1 but accepted her offer at the encouragement of the few friends/ family I told. This was out of left field because she isn’t really the type to meddle, she’s not crazy and she has never reached out or even mentioned past breakups. However I also can’t see my stubborn ex telling her to meet with me or putting her up to it. They are very close and I can’t see her doing this behind his back or without his knowledge so I’m just at a loss. He’s quite stubborn though so maybe she is? I don’t know what it means at all but I figured it would be closure no matter what. I’m just trying to take it at face value that she just likes me and wants to wish me well.

 

So now the dinner is in 2 days. I don’t quite know what to say if the topic of the breakup comes up but it’ll clearly be the elephant in the room so I want to be prepared. The way I feel is that I miss him immensely and wish we never broke up. I’m healing finally and moving forward but I’d be lying if I said I don’t want to hear from him. However, I’ve taken him back a few times now. Although he was a good boyfriend, tried his best and everyone loved him, even the best intentioned people will feel like they can always come back once it’s a pattern. However, If by any chance this is his way of reaching out, I don’t want to come off like I’m doing so well that he just thinks it’s best to leave me alone after all the hurt he caused by ending it (even though it wasn’t all his fault). Which maybe he does think because this is the first time I’ve gone NC which is VERY out of character for me- I’m the “sending paragraphs of feelings via text message” type. I’ve heard the only way to break this pattern is when the dumper knows they really lost the dumpee. And if he doesn’t want me back I’m in a place where I can swallow that and won’t be begging for him ever. I do believe has enough empathy to not play games and mess with my feelings even more if he believed it to be true that I’m moving on. At the same time though I also don’t want to come across so desperate that he thinks he can take his sweet time and that I’ll always be there, you know? Basically I just hate the note we ended on and want to hear from him if he regrets it but not otherwise.

 

How would you approach this?

Edited September 18, 2019 by junieb12

[basil67]

Honestly, I think it's too weird. I can only see a whole night of awkwardness ahead of you.

In your shoes, I'd contact her, thank her for the offer but say that on second thoughts I'll decline.

[junieb12]

It’s too late to cancel. I do agree it’s odd but we dated for so long and I met her multiple times that i don’t feel like it’s outrageous. Last I saw her, she drove an hour and a half to my graduation ceremony and met my entire extended family. Plus I have zero closure so I felt like it would be for the best. Knowing my ex he’d understand why I didn’t want to say no since she came right out and asked. I just feel slightly awkward in the off chance it’s behind his back but hoping she wouldn’t do something like that.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why is it too late to cancel? All she needs to do is call the restaurant (if she's made a reservation) and inform them you won't be coming.

 

Personally, I would not have dinner with her. I am sure she has no malicious intentions. However, there are certain boundaries that need to be drawn with an ex's family, to preserve your own sanity. She can't give you closure. She can't make it right. She isn't your ex and discussing the break-up with her would be an exercise in futility, which will likely leave you feeling more distraught when you have to say goodbye to her.

 

If you insist on doing this, be prepared to wind up feeling worse than you do now. I would avoid sharing details with her, and try as hard as you can not to get your hopes up if she agrees that your ex is avoidant, et cetra. A lot of dumpees hang on to an ex's family's opinion (ex. His family loves me! Even his mom said this break-up was a bad decision! His mom can't understand what he's thinking!) and tell themselves that if the family could only talk some sense into them, they'll come back. It rarely works that way.

 

Whatever you decide, understand that multiple break-ups mean you two are not compatible. This isn't the guy you're going to settle down with forever.

[d0nnivain]

For whatever reason his mom initiated this dinner with you. Obviously she has something to say. Order something small that can be made quickly. Hear her out then leave.

[Maddie82]

For a mom to call her sons ex and invite her to dinner is fishy. There is a reason behind it. She has something to say. She may be nice and always seemed to like you, but this is a bit weird. It could be that she wants to encourage you to talk to your ex and get back with him, in which case it's not her business to do that. I agree with the others that you should cancel.

[junieb12]

For whatever reason his mom initiated this dinner with you. Obviously she has something to say. Order something small that can be made quickly. Hear her out then leave.

 

I think this is what I’ll do. I completely understand everyone saying not to go but I honestly would rather hear her out then always wonder. As I said, she’s a very quiet woman who isn’t the meddling type so I want to see what she has to say. I’m prepared that this may set me back a few weeks though but literally nothing could be harder to deal with then what I’ve assumed up to this point which is that he’s moved on for good. And if the conversation starts to take an unhelpful path I’m confident in saying I don’t want to talk about it. Plus my therapist said to go and my friends and family so I do trust them.

 

If I’m being completely honest about my intentions, I’m going because I made a huge scene about it this ever happened again to the point that I think he’d be scared to reach out even if he did regret it. And like I said I’ve never just cut him off like this before so if that’s where he’s at, I wouldn’t reach out to myself either. Completely out of character for me. In the past he didn’t initiate contact and when I asked why, he said he felt awful about things and didn’t feel like it was his place to continue bothering me which I do respect. This breakup was far worse so if the smoke has cleared, I do think he’d stay away. If he wants to seriously talk, I do want to hear from him. But I’m not willing to risk rejection by initiating anything with him. So this feels like my only timely opportunity to communicate why I haven’t reached out if she asks me directly. One of his close friends asked recently if he came back saying he made a mistake would I take him back, and I answered “i don’t see that happening” which I didn’t think much of, but also makes me wonder if that go back to him. So basically I feel like this is my opportunity to say I’d like to hear from him if she directly comes out and says that’s why he hasn’t reached out since I want to keep mutual friends out of it and I know I not going to reach out first. And I guess in my mind, the chance to say that if I’m asked is worth the risk.

[Commongoal123]

Honestly, I think it's too weird. I can only see a whole night of awkwardness ahead of you.

In your shoes, I'd contact her, thank her for the offer but say that on second thoughts I'll decline.

 

I'll second that. After a 10 marriage this might make sense. But a 3 yr on and off relationship?

 

Family patterns run deep. His mother sounds like she's breaking boundaries and crossing into territory that isn't hers to cross into.

 

And careful that she isn't trying to get information from YOU vs. meeting you to "tell you something".

 

-Common

[ExpatInItaly]

Why would it really matter if he’s scared to reach out, OP?

 

You two clearly don’t work together as a couple. Even if he came back, the chances that your relationship would somehow morph into something healthy and long-lasting are just about zero. You’d be opening yourself up to more of the same uncertainty, instability and pain.

 

This is a cord that should have been cut long ago. Whatever Mommy has to say now is rather irrelevant to the bigger picture.

[junieb12]

 

And careful that she isn't trying to get information from YOU vs. meeting you to "tell you something".

 

-Common

 

Good point. Definitely keeping this in mind because I didn’t even consider that. I’m for sure going into it tight lipped, just to listen now that you mention that