Wife wants me to pay for stuff i didn't buy

[rabsaque]

Hi i have a problem and i want you to tell me if i'm in the wrong here.

 

you see a year ago i move to another country with my wife looking for better opportunities in life we decided to go to the country where her family lives cause they offer us their help to start a new life there, at start it was a bit difficult but i was the first one to land on a job nothing fancy but enoug money to pay bills and even buy some stuff we needed, my wife was not so lucky, she has a difficult relationship with her grandmother and that was stressing her out, we were staying on her house, actually mostly the problem is cause my wife believes she doesn't love her i got my time to knowing the old lady adn she is a very nice woman, i don't know why my wife believes she hates her but well things started to look brigther for us my wife got a job herself she didn't do much mostly she uses the money she makes to pay for stuff she needs while i pay the bills and buy the food, 4 monst afther i get my first job we discover she is pregnant with our first son, and rigth away i lose my job so since my wife has huge anxiety problems, i decided (wrongly) not to telling her i losed my job and use my savings to pay the bills while y look fot another job, i finallly get a new job but by that time my savings were empty and guess what, her parents just come to visit their first grandson they make us move to another house her mother has here the house was empty so we had to buy stuff like a fridge a kitchen and things like that her parents were especting us to pay for half of everything they would buy for the house, my wife had told her mother that i would use the savings to pay for all that but then i had to ell them the truth that i had to use that money to survive while i didn't have a job, so her parents decide they will pay for everything since its their house, and i was going to pay half of everything making payments time on time, i believe this was a reasonable agreement but.

 

 

I come one day to the house to see they bought the most expensive things they could find, i mean just to show you how crazy they went, a fridge in this country a good fridge cost in average 250 to 400$ they bought a fridge that cost 3000$ same with kitchen they bought a 2000$ kitchen and a lot of other super expensive stuff, logically they ran out of money so then problems started, they constantly demand me to pay my part and my wife whos not working is mad at me and is constantly threatening me "you better give me all you make or leave the house"

 

They constantly bash me for not gaining enough money to pay them and how they had to use their vacation money to buy stuff i was supposed to buy as the man of the house.

 

I don't know what to do cause my wife took control of our bank accounts and she refuses to give me a penny, i use a bike to go to work and save on transportation, recently my bike got damaged and i asked ger forn 35$ that would be the cost of the repairs, she refused to give me a penny saying "You have no money left i already spent everything paying bills and buying what the baby needs" she bought a new set of sheets for our bed and for the baby cribb cause accordingly to her "my son is not going to sleep with some cheap sheets".

 

I actually hear her talking to her mother and telling her don't worry mom, i will have him pay all he owns you even if he has to kill himself working for it, and that broke my heart.

 

 

 

This month my family back on my home country asked me for help cause my grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer, they are raising money for her medical bills and they asked me if i could help, and i, of course, said yes i mean my grandmother took care of me and my brothers while my mom and dad were working wnen we were little when my wife found out i told her what happened,her response was "if you take a penny from that money without telling me you will have to leave this house" i have nobody on this country and with my money under her control that would mean i would have no place to go and also no money either.

 

 

They constantly tell me how bad i was for doing what i did when i didn't tell them about my money problems and that everything its my fault and i'm starting to feel the effects, i'm constaltly on a depression state i just want to die sincerely i don't want to be there anymore but i don't want to leave my son alone i don't know what to do please help me out what would i do? should i leave and leave my son alone? should i stay and try to bare the situation? and also is it all my fault?

Edited September 18, 2019 by rabsaque
forgot something

[BettyDraper]

Where are you from? I'm asking to provide cultural context.

[carhill]

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/666142-did-i-marry-drama-queen

I just got married to 6 months ago to my 10 years relationship partner, i always knew she was a little clingy and needy but now we are married the thing is out of control and i'm also starting to believe she is a controlling drama queen, i mean we are going trough tuff times, you see we are Venezuelan we had to flee our country due to economic and political problems, we both had to let our family behind and move to another country Per in this case,

[amaysngrace]

Return the expensive items and buy cheaper ones.

 

They’re half yours.

[d0nnivain]

You need to start a new bank account where you are that your money gets deposited into. You may need to speak to a good lawyer. You are being taking to the cleaners.

 

I hope your grandmother is feeling better.

[preraph]

Well, you did mess up not telling that you lost the job.

 

But that said, I wouldn't stay married to someone who had no money and went out and bought a $3000 refrigerator! You'd be better of divorced paying child support and having the child 50 percent of the time (so you'd pay less child support too).

 

I just wouldn't agree to that. Did they even ask? Unless you anticipate making a LOT of money, I wouldn't pay that. I wouldn't stay with someone who spent money foolishly and didn't have any.

[Mr. Lucky]

i don't know what to do please help me out what would i do?

 

You married a woman who's difficult personality (to put it mildly) was well documented in the 10 years you dated. And now you've had a child with her - and moved in with her family?!?!

 

Best wishes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[rabsaque]

Where are you from? I'm asking to provide cultural context.

 

We are latinos

[rabsaque]

Well, you did mess up not telling that you lost the job.

 

But that said, I wouldn't stay married to someone who had no money and went out and bought a $3000 refrigerator! You'd be better of divorced paying child support and having the child 50 percent of the time (so you'd pay less child support too).

 

I just wouldn't agree to that. Did they even ask? Unless you anticipate making a LOT of money, I wouldn't pay that. I wouldn't stay with someone who spent money foolishly and didn't have any.

 

I'm actualñly co-founding am app but it could take years before i see big money, my relationship is actually taking a toll on my progress with this app she doesn't believe in me tho last nigth she told me you just past all your time on that dam computer while you could be working elsewere making real money!!!

[mark clemson]

Sometimes there are no easy answers. I think working part time to bring in some money might be a good idea in your situation. Of course that would probably set back work on the app.

 

Then again, there no guarantee the app will ever make money. The app field is VERY crowded and your idea that took you so long to develop might get noticed and copied by a company with a real development team as well as resources to polish it up, add new features, and squeeze you out of the market for it via pricing and marketing.

 

I'm not actually trying to discourage you, but it's important to go in with open eyes and be very realistic about something like this, esp. if it's going to take years.

 

You might be wise to hedge your bets.

[preraph]

You can't just not work while you're developing your app, that's all. I can't imagine it takes THAT long if you have a good idea what you're doing with it. You need to be working while you do that app thing on the side. You're going to just go further and further into debt.

[schlumpy]

I have a feeling the more money you make the more she will spend. It's a good way to maintain control over you.

 

I suggest you quit handing her your paycheck and force a compromise.

[rabsaque]

Sometimes there are no easy answers. I think working part time to bring in some money might be a good idea in your situation. Of course that would probably set back work on the app.

 

Then again, there no guarantee the app will ever make money. The app field is VERY crowded and your idea that took you so long to develop might get noticed and copied by a company with a real development team as well as resources to polish it up, add new features, and squeeze you out of the market for it via pricing and marketing.

 

I'm not actually trying to discourage you, but it's important to go in with open eyes and be very realistic about something like this, esp. if it's going to take years.

 

You might be wise to hedge your bets.

 

Yes i know thats why i have a job and only work on the app on my free time, its a good idea we already have investors interested on the project, one of them actually told us me and my partner "by the end of this month show a working mvp and then we talk about money", i'm not stupid i know this migth take years that's why i try not to go overboard with it but be consistent, and work on it everytime i can, but my wife instead of helping me and supporting me is actually my biggest obstacle.

[rabsaque]

You can't just not work while you're developing your app, that's all. I can't imagine it takes THAT long if you have a good idea what you're doing with it. You need to be working while you do that app thing on the side. You're going to just go further and further into debt.

 

As i said earlier its a good idea me and my friend already looked for the market and there is nothing like it in our country, its our chance to make a big impact, we already talked to posible investors, bot almost all of them told us, its a great idea but you need to put it on code, then we will talk business, but believe it or not the person that should support me the most ist my biggest obstacle.

[BaileyB]

The only conceivable reason to even think about staying in this marriage is the child. And only then, because I would be afraid for the child should he be alone with his mother.

 

My first step would be to get my own bank account. Again, there is no conceivable reason why your wife should have control of your money. She’s not going to like it, but I would do it.

 

I would then visit a lawyer to learn exactly what to expect either divorce.

 

I would stop having sex with this woman. The last thing you need Is to be obligated to her for two, or three children...

[BettyDraper]

Do you think you can privately plan to leave your wife?

[rabsaque]

Do you think you can privately plan to leave your wife?

 

Yes actually thats what i'm doing but i'm waiting for my son to be a little older he is 2 months old now and he needs me i want to give my wife at least the same amount of money i give her now so my baby doesn't lack anything once a achieve that its bye bye for her and i and i have a huge advantage since our marriage is not legal on the country we are living now.

[crispytoast]

I agree with getting a separate bank account. Also I personally would plan the divorce for before you get paid for your app or she will try to take "her half". Then when you get paid, take full custody of the kid. Do you really want your child to grow up being influenced by someone like her?

[Big Aus]

I'm still not clear what country you are in, or why?

You said you both left your family in Venezuela, to move to Peru...

But now you live with her parents??

So I'm going to take a guess, you're Venezuelan, Your wife is Peruvian??

 

What is your legal status in Peru?

Can you stay in the country if you divorce?

Can you get custody of your son?

Is returning home to Venezuela an option for you?

 

You need to figure out what it is exactly that you're unhappy with, and whether its worth trying to fix.

Your wife sounds like a psychotic bitch.

However she also sounds like a typical Latina?

 

Is it the money that's the problem?

Or is it your in-laws?

Or is it your wife?

[Art_Critic]

Nobody wants to be used in this manner, it's disgusting.

 

If it were me I would file for divorce, get visitation and then pay child support rather than be held in a state of total extortion like this.

 

If she takes the child away to her homeland, I would do what I could to stop it but if I couldn't I would find peace with it and move on, she and her family suck as people.

[Maddie82]

I also agree with a separate bank account. You never did anything wrong to have her and her family treat you like this. Your wife is insane and beyond selfish. Get a backbone and stand up to her. She's got you on your knees. That's so wrong.

[pepperbird]

op,

it sounds to me like you are being financially abused. That's not okay.

 

There are a ton of sites out there for women in your situation. Take a look and follow the advice given. you may be a man, and this can happen to any gender.

 

 

 

https://www.verywellmind.com/financial-abuse-4155224

[HadMeOverABarrel]

OP, sorry to hear about your situation. It's a tough one. I would hatch a plan, as follows:

 

1. Scan and monitor your computer and mobile devices for spyware. As devious as your wife sounds, she quite likely has installed a key logger to monitor all your activity.

 

2. Do whatever necessary to clear your electronic devises of spyware/hidden key logger software. Consider hidden cameras, recording devices, monitoring devises she may have installed in your home or car.

Basically make a counter-intelligence plan so your activities will remain unknown to her. Monitor vigilantly for this from the time you sweep until you flee.

 

3. Set up secret bank account titled to youself only. Possibly consider one based in another country with online access only.

 

4. Pick up contract work online for extra money. IT skills are in high demand and easy to work remotely. Check for websites that connect people seeking project help with people like you. Funnel 100% earnings to secret bank account.

 

5. Research various country's immigration laws. I would pay particular attention to countries where it would be difficult or impossible for her to challenge custody, extrication, spousal support, child support. From this list of possibilities, research costs of living and feasibility (including timelines for immigration/naturalization into these countries). Also consider whether small towns would work for you (because you could continueto work remotely online). Perhaps it would be more difficult for her to find you in a small town or perhaps harder in a huge city?? Pick a country she is least likely to suspect. Once you've narrowed down to a couple countries, contact immigration attorneys to confirm steps and timelines.

 

6. Begin the immigration process/paperwork from where you are now for the country you selected. All the funds in your secret bank account should be used for immigration, including getting yourself established in a new home, etc.

 

7. Consider mailing a box of necessities to your new destination (a couple toys for son, changes of clothes.for you both).

 

8. When immigration process as far as you can do from your current location, you have enough funds saved, and you have other plans in place (where you'll live, etc), FLEE with your son!!!

 

9. At some point along this plan (not necessarily last), file for divorce in the country you married in. Since she's as awful as you claim, I would even tell the authorities/courts there she abandoned you so she wouldn't be involved...if this is possible. I feel badly for suggesting this deceit, but you need to sever as many ties to her as possible so she can't use being your spouse at any point in the future to gain advantage over you.

 

Once you've immigrated, with any luck, you'll never hear from her again because she won't find you. Guess that means you can't tell people who know you both where you've started your new life. To me, it's worth it because someone like her will try to keep her hooks in you until either they've completely used you all up, or found an easier target who has more to give.

 

Desperate times call for desperate measures. I think she and her family set you up. Things will get worse if you stay. She's probably not the woman you thought she was when you married. Good luck!!! and keep us posted. Don't underestimate her spying on you. She is extremely controlling, and will take all steps she believes necessary to keep you exactly where she wants you.

Edited September 22, 2019 by HadMeOverABarrel

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear about this, OP. You need to plan to get out of this situation while somehow taking care of the needs of your child.

 

A separate bank account for your salary seems a good idea. You can then give your wife what she needs to look after herself and your child.

 

Please gather plenty of evidence that the app is your own original work. Emails, drafts, anything that shows you have developed this app alone. If you don't, the financial backers you are talking to could take you for a ride.

 

I do not feel you owe your parents-in-law anything if they chose the most expensive items for the kitchen. If you can, you could pay them the amount they would have needed for a simple kitchen with basic but effective kitchen goods. That way, you have done your bit.

 

I don't think there can be a happy ending to this though unless you get out. They are abusing you financially and because of the pressure you have already made one mistake by hiding your job loss. Your wife is hurting you and taking advantage. You need to see a lawyer really. The next way she will try to control you is via a battle over the child. You need to ensure whatever happens is in the child's best interests and then get out of the clutches of this woman!

[preraph]

You know, I have two jobs and usually have throughout the years, one full time work at home and one part-time in office, and in the past 20 years, I have only bought one NEW appliance. I buy used ones. Sure, I'm behind the times on the trends, but my fridge was about $400 and has ice and filtered water on the door. I buy from used dealers who offer a short warranty period and will also do reasonably priced work past the warranty period.

 

Even if I was deadset on getting a certain fancy model that retailed for $3000, I'd wait for it to go on sale at least a third off OR buy it at the Sears or Best Buy Outlet stores for much less.

 

Her parents have no better ethics than she does and if you weren't married to her, I'd tell you to dump her and stiff them and let them pay it. I do think a judge would be sympathetic, but you be sure and save some paper trail of any money you pay them for anything or pay on her debt.