Have you ever tried fighting feelings towards someone?

[E-Squared]

If so, what have you done? Let me talk about this.

 

I have had a crush on this classmate for a while. We get along fine, she is nice and all, but whenever I am around her, I get these weird feelings. I get a tingling sensation and my blood starts to boil a bit.

 

I still like her, but there is this part of my mind that says that I don't know if I want to feel this way. Of course, this is mind vs. heart, because my heart still feels something. It doesn't help that I have moments when I have noticed her looking in my direction multiple times, even out of the corner of my eye. I guess it's true what they say, "The heart wants what the heart wants."

 

Oh, and what I meant by for a while, I meant also last semester. I even talked to some friends about it. One friend said to try looking elsewhere, but I said that that is easier said than done. Another friend of mine said that I should go with my gut instinct, except I don't know what that is telling me. It almost feels like I am trying to fight some feeling, but I don't know if I want to do that, either.

 

What have you done?

[Veronica73]

When I have feelings for someone, I tend to think about them a lot when they aren’t around, and even fantasize about them. So if I want to fight my feelings for that person, I stop doing those things. If I catch myself thinking or fantasizing about them, I put a stop to it and think about something else.

[alphamale]

Oh, I can't fight this feeling any longer

And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow

What started out this friendship has grown stronger

I only wish I had the strength to let it show

I tell myself that I can't hold out forever

I said there is no reason for my fear

'Cause I feel so secure when we're together

You give my life direction

You make everything so clear

And even as I wander

I'm keeping you in sight

You're a candle in the window

On a cold, dark winter's night

And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might

And I can't fight this feeling anymore

I've forgotten what I started fighting for

It's time to bring this ship into the shore

And throw away the oars, forever

'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore

I've forgotten what I started fighting for

And if…

[Mr. Lucky]

What have you done?

 

Uh...have you tried asking her out?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

Lyrics to Can't Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon

 

Always took this song to mean she had made known feelings for him and he was trying to fight the connection.

 

The OP wishes this was the case...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

Sounds like your gut is telling you it's not a good thing, so I would follow that.

 

Sometimes we have to use our heads and override sexual and other impulses.

 

Here's one example I managed to use restraint (one of the rare times).

 

I was managing a record store. One of my new employees (I didn't hire him) was a good looking, very vain, come to find out later speed addict. I knew from the beginning he was a con man, too. He was always trying to con me out of money or even just anything, just to be doing it. Our first day working together, after a failed con attempt to get some small amount of money, he said, I'll be living with you within 3 weeks. Well, uh, no, that was never going to happen.

 

Anyway, found him obnoxious, of course, but worked side by side for months and when you do that, you get close. Some of his obnoxious behavior went away, but not all. I found out he was violent with women. He was getting laid every night he went to the clubs. And then I would hear about (he confessed and also sometimes they showed up) him fighting with them.

 

Despite all that, I came to enjoy just being around him. He was hilarious at times. We went shopping for him a rocker-type suit once together, and we ended up at some of the same music clubs anyway, so we would sometimes dance together.

 

His friends told me I'm the only woman he has any respect for and doesn't abuse, and they were always looking to me to try to influence him. We did have some serious talks about him having this speed addiction and being abusive. Anyway, there's more, but part of me liked him, but I did know better, and I didn't ever cross any boundary I'd made from the very beginning, but I was always saddened by how messed up he was. He ended up finally with a longterm girlfriend taking his abuse. She would come to me to see if I could talk sense to him, but it was no use. I think the substance problem was a big part of it, and it was making him have ED and then that would enrage him. I occasionally, even until recently, would google to see if I saw anything about him, always hoping to see he'd straightened himself out and was okay. But always, the first place I looked was in the mug shots, knowing it was unlikely.

 

Finally in the past couple of years, I saw something in an obit that he had predeceased his father. It did make me sad.

 

I was pretty young then. I'm almost amazed I didn't ignore the red flags, but they were big neon red flags, so I drew the line right then and there.

 

We have to use all our senses when deciding who to get involved with.

[Foxhall]

after a while you can swing to the other direction and your feelings are "that you dont really care anymore"

 

this creates another problem, people wonder why are you not on the same page as them and so on,

 

ah live and let live dont stress about it probably the best motto

[The Outlaw]

I didn't resist them, but I hid them. This was in '00 and '01. I was just a dumb kid who had it bad for a girl that I guess I thought I could never had. The ultimate dream girl who was of course dating the jerk. I went to church with her and even though it's been nearly twenty years since I've seen her last, she left a lasting impression and I never forgot her. But recently, I have fought some sort of potential feelings for someone.

[mark clemson]

Also wondering why you don't ask her out, but perhaps there's a reason? Anyhow - to your question:

 

IMO, there's 2 "levels" of this. Strong attraction and limerence. Strong attraction shouldn't be a big deal. If you're really trying to get past it, just avoid this person as much as possible, keep busy/distracted, and also "play the field" - look for other women instead. Get yourself out there and shop for someone else. Easy.

 

Limerence is a much bigger deal. The person's frequently on your mind, with intrusive thoughts as well as intense emotional highs and lows. It is genuinely not a normal state of consciousness and quite similar to addiction in many ways. If you think about this person all the time, it distresses you but also feels good somehow, and you can't stop, you mostly likely have limerence. Unfortunately limerence is involuntary and must be waited out, which takes months at a minimum while your brain gradually adjusts to it.

 

I had limerence for someone I couldn't have twice when I was younger and then again in my mid 40's. Esp. that last time, I stuck it out and experienced it for what it was. It was quite distressing at times but also a "worthwhile experience" as I was mature enough to handle it better than when I was young. I was also fortunate that the person abruptly left my life. When further contact became impossible it helped the limerence end much more quickly.

 

I think many of us assume that early experiences with limerence are just immaturity, etc. That's actually wrong. The brain circuitry is there, just dormant, and things can retrigger it. So, you have married people sometimes falling "desperately in love" and being totally shocked that it could happen to them late in their lives. But it can.

[Veronica73]

This site is the only place I’ve heard of limerance. And honestly, I think it’s BS. And yes I’ve been tragically “in love”. The whole limerance thing makes it sound like it’s just this thing that happens to you and you have no control over. If you can’t control your own mind...that’s a signal that you need to learn how to get a grip. It’s not because this amazing thing called “limerance” happened to you and you have no control over it and you have to just wait it out until it goes away.

[mark clemson]

Veronica - for whatever reason, limerence isn't that well known among people, perhaps because they prefer more romantic and vague notions. Not sure. At any rate, you can do some internet research. It's very much a real thing. I experienced it as a 45+ adult for the better part of 2018 so I know firsthand.

 

Replace limerence with "addiction" in your statements above. Do they still make sense to you? If so, you're certainly entitled to your beliefs, but they certainly aren't shared by all people. Like addiction, limerence is a psychological phenomenon that has been studied, etc although with less intensity than addiction since it's not seen as (and probably isn't) a social problem.

[Veronica73]

I think I get what you are saying about limerance being like addiction. And I guess I’m leaning a little less on the side that it’s BS based on what you say. But to be honest, I don’t really understand addiction either. How do you tell if somebody is addicted to something? You can look up addiction and find all sorts of different definitions of addiction. Are overweight people addicted to food? Sometimes to me it just seems like bad habits. And depending on what the substance is, it’s called limerance, or addiction, or overeating, or whatever. Or if the bad habit is so bad that it damages your life situation, then it is called an addiction.

 

But I know I’m not an expert at all. And I will do a little more research.

[mark clemson]

Fair enough and I think it's good you're keeping an open mind. I wouldn't say it's exactly the same as addiction, although I'd say it feels pretty similar. And I guess different people have different levels of self-control, etc too. I'm not an expert either, by any means.

 

I'd say you're right about the incomplete/"loose" definition of addiction and it's probably similar for limerence. Different people have somewhat different symptoms/characteristics. I imagine there may be some that don't get it at all.

 

Sometime's a song's worth a thousand words. Here's something (from one of the last people in the world you'd expect it from) that illustrates it pretty well IMO. I guess she's only human after all.

 

 

The male version (also a song). Not that different really. Same doting/fascination with the other person, etc.

 

[major_merrick]

I fought my feelings for my husband. Got in a series of relationships that didn't work, and he married someone else. All it did was delay our marriage for several years, but it was inevitable. Don't waste time smothering your feelings.

[Mysterio]

I have know my friend JC for 7 yrs and I think she is hot. I just fight them, because I don't think she feels the same way for me. I think its lust. Thats why I don't trust it.

[gaius]

I gave into my feelings for my wife lock stock and barrel, did things a lot of people would consider crazy to be with her and it was the best decision I've ever made in my life.

 

Don't understand this whole closeted, suppress your feelings attitude a lot of people here seem to have. You really want to be laying on your death bed thinking about all those opportunities for something good that you just let sail by you?

[crispytoast]

I fought my feelings for my husband. Got in a series of relationships that didn't work, and he married someone else. All it did was delay our marriage for several years, but it was inevitable. Don't waste time smothering your feelings.

I am currently fighting feelings for this turkey and avocado sandwich with pepper jack cheese. Fighting the feelings until I can smother it in bbq sauce.

[E-Squared]

I gave into my feelings for my wife lock stock and barrel, did things a lot of people would consider crazy to be with her and it was the best decision I've ever made in my life.

 

Don't understand this whole closeted, suppress your feelings attitude a lot of people here seem to have. You really want to be laying on your death bed thinking about all those opportunities for something good that you just let sail by you?

 

You are right about this. I think maybe I should tell her how I feel.

[Mysterio]

My Three Women friends and my feelings for them.

 

AG is 47. Married. She is like a sister to me. I have no lust for her, even though I think she is beautiful and I tell her often. Her Husband is a great guy as well.

 

DS is 68. We have this duality of a relationship. I think there is an attraction somewhat. I told her once that I found her sexually attractive and she said she knows that already and she seemed happy about it.

 

JC is 38 and once in ahwhile. I do find myself thinking of her in a romantic way, but I find her personality tough. I think she has a vision of the type of man she wants and I don't fit in with that.

 

At this stage of my life. I don't really want any more female friends. Unless I have a GF that comes into my life. I don't see the point of it. The next major woman in my life. I want her to desire us to hold hands/hug/kiss/make out and Make Love to each other on a regular basis.

[E-Squared]

UPDATE: Pardon me if I waited too long to do this, but I just had to outright say it. So I finally told my classmate that I liked her. She said that she was flattered and that I had a lot of courage to tell her, but she was already seeing someone. I told her that I totally understood that and I respect that. At least she didn't shoot me down like a marksman, and also I got it off my chest.

[snowboy91]

It's a shame she was taken. But that went about as well as it could possibly go given the circumstances.

Kudos to her for being kind about it, and kudos to you for taking it well! 👍