I broke with my bf today

[thecrucible]

I've been working my way through a break-up. It's now been just over a month of no contact, I didn't read a letter he sent because I was too upset and I constantly feel guilty for giving up on the relationship and how he might feel. The truth is I broke up with him because I wasn't happy. He forgot about my emotional needs and it didn't feel like his promises of change would materialise. Now he seems to say he'll change only when he loses me and it messes with my head and I have given so many chances already. I wish I could let go of blaming myself and not be so low about myself but it's really hard not to feel that way. I don't know what to do. All the advice out there is about moving on when a man dumps you. I find that a lot easier than when I've broken up with the guy myself. I always find that kind of situation all the more painful.

[preraph]

He may wish he could change, but if he really was going to, he already would have. It wasn't working, so you did the right thing. Stop with the guilt.

[Lotsgoingon]

Feeling guilty about initating a breakup when you were not happy in the relationship is something that happens.

 

I have to say: whenever I've felt guilty (mostly when I was younger) ... frankly, that meant I did not have full respect for the person and that I had poor boundaries--as in I thought I had some duty to this person beyond just integrity. Dumping someone you are unhappy with is an act of integrity.

 

The guilt you're feeling carries with it some kind of unnamed assumption that you are supposed to always act in ways to please others ... or always compromise ... or always consider what your partner might feel ... as opposed to what you feel.

 

Your partner can move on ... go dating, meeting new people and get a life. If you feel "sorry" for your partner, then you don't respect them. You think they can't take care of themselves without you.

 

Being dumped was one of the best things that happened to me ... in terms of looking at myself, growing and learning. I mean yes, the initial days were painful, but over time OMG, my biggest breakthroughs came after being dumped. And I'll point you to a breakthrough.

 

What will cure you of this misguided guilt is getting back together ... and then having him then dump you! I had something similar happen to me ... that caused me to realize, hey, I have the right to break up if I'm unhappy.

[thecrucible]

Thank you for the sense of perspective. I guess I just have to feel how I feel. Feeling bad about hurting him doesn’t change my decision. I won’t fight it and hopefully I’ll feel better soon. I just feel a bit of a social pariah because it’s on my mind and I want to talk about it. I had to come clean because I got upset at work but luckily they were very understanding.

[Mr. Lucky]

I always find that kind of situation all the more painful.

 

Of course it is. Change is scary and disruptive, and there's familiar comfort in the old routine even if, on some important level, it wasn't working for us.

 

You have to create a new 'normal'. This means no pity parties, tequila nights or Lifetime movie binges. Lean on work, friends and family and stay busy and active, keep your mind and body engaged. If you have some PTO and out-of-town friends, now might be a good time to go visit them.

 

Time is the answer in your situation, just got to get through it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[thecrucible]

Thanks Mr Lucky!

 

That post really helped me immensely. I am going to feel pain as I process this. I get ups and downs and that's okay. I had a very positive week overall last week though! I've been very good at self-control actually - no alcohol saturated emotional binges and not too much wallowing. But when I do want to cry, I just cry because it's better out than in.

 

What I do find hard is that I want to lean on my friends but honestly their patience wears thin...there's only so much I can talk to them about. That's a sad fact of life really.

[thecrucible]

So I got a message on social media saying only “You win”.

 

It upset me so I had to block him ?

 

Just don’t understand what he means, as if he thinks our relationship is a game. He always said I wanted to win for the sake of winning because he wouldn’t apologise for hurting my feelings.

 

Ahhh...

[stillafool]

You did the right thing by blocking him. He can process the break up anyway he likes. You're out. Good luck.

[thecrucible]

Thank you very much. I’ve not got to the point of being unaffected by what he says. I was mulling it over for a while ?

[assertives]

Of course you win! You took charge of the situation and made the decision to end things because it wasn't working out instead of dragging on and rug sweeping. And here's the thing, you winning doesn't mean that he loses. He can take charge of his own life and process the breakup, work on himself to become a better person himself without you instead of playing stupid games like these and wasting life. Don't mull over it. His issues are not yours to bear.

[Mr. Lucky]

So I got a message on social media saying only “You win”.

 

Hopefully, his immature and manipulative behavior only reinforces your choice to end the relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[thecrucible]

Thank you both.

 

Yes I agree - that strengthens the idea in my mind that it was the right thing to do. But I still don't feel anger or hate towards him. I just feel sadness and disappointment that something which could have been done so easily by him to make things improve didn't happen. That's why I stuck around for much longer. I thought "surely, he'll get it now". The recent times I stuck up for myself and my feelings, it got really bad, he stopped making an effort and he was very angry with me when I didn't do as he wanted me to.

 

I'm mostly okay now but I sometimes catch myself feeling sad although it's happening less often. I even went on a date the other day which didn't go anywhere but it's something.

 

It's a big step for me. I'm not feeling good about how I look or my weight, finding things challenging at work as I'm now more hyper focussed than ever and putting a lot of pressure on myself.

[thecrucible]

I got a text on my break up app saying it's 60 days since the breakup and no contact. I was feeling quite good but stuff has hit me today and the guilt is huge.

 

Basically I worry I didn't make enough effort with him when he stopped reaching out to me for weeks and that I should have reached out myself but I was too scared and I felt confused and abandoned and I didn't know what to do. I was hoping he would apologise for hurtful things he said like when I raised issues on the phone and he wouldn't budge on an issue, just get more aggressive and even end up swearing at me or when he didn't apologise for being hurtful after the argument...

 

Then lots of positive things are coming back too. About it felt like it could be a secure future and happily ever after for me and now it's all gone and I don't know if I'll ever find it again. Please help!

[Morello]

Why on earth would you have an app that reminds you of your break up and keep counting days like that?

[thecrucible]

Why on earth would you have an app that reminds you of your break up and keep counting days like that?

 

It’s called Mend and sends positive thoughts etc. Wasn’t the app though which upset me. It’s the fact that while I’m not actively looking, I keep coming across creepy dudes. One groped me in a bar the other night. It makes you realise how much you want a relationship and not all that nonsense ☹️ I’m reading Natalie Lue book at the mo and I’m thinking ahhh sometimes that I should have been more proactive or I could have changed things and that’s hard.

[stillafool]

I'm sure you met a lot of creepy dudes before you met your ex as well. Hey, they're out there but you have to filter through them until you find your match. Don't let loneliness send you back into a bad relationship.

[thecrucible]

I'm sure you met a lot of creepy dudes before you met your ex as well. Hey, they're out there but you have to filter through them until you find your match. Don't let loneliness send you back into a bad relationship.

 

Thank you. You are right. I’m just feeling so guilty. There was a time near the end of the relationship when my ex pulled back a lot, stopped contacting me for weeks and we never saw each other and I just wonder if I was supposed to chase him. But I felt very vulnerable because we had fallen out over times he had been angry with me and hadn’t apologised.

[girlygo]

OP just wanted to write here that I know exactly what you're going through (see my thread on this board), albeit my relationship was probably alot longer but my position has been the same as yours. In fact I ended my relationship 3 days after you did and the guilt I've felt has been awful and also regretting and wondering whether I made the right decision.

 

Not contacting my ex has been a neverending battle in my mind but I have managed it. I have cried at least once a day since that breakup day.

 

So glad to read that you're working through your feelings, trying to keep busy and staying strong with no contact. Anyone who says that being the "dumper" is an easy ride has no idea. I think it is worse when you still really love that person.

[girlygo]

But I felt very vulnerable because we had fallen out over times he had been angry with me and hadn’t apologised.

 

My ex used to do this too. It's only later that I realised it's a form of emotional abuse designed to wear you down and make you feel as though you're always in the wrong. NEVER apologising is not normal behaviour.

[thecrucible]

@girlygo - Thank you for your thoughtful message and I hope you'll feel better soon. I know how you are feeling and the emotions of a break-up can be so intense. I've had lots of break-ups but I have to say this one is one of the worst. When you think about it, exes can be absolute arses but when there's strong feelings, it's so damn hard to let go.

 

I was feeling very guilty this week. I was going around feeling I had unfinished business with him because of the fact that we'd decided to do relationship therapy but only had one session...and I started thinking about him again for a few reasons. Firstly last Saturday I went to a Matthew Hussey dating seminar. I wanted to meet other women and I did. I met three girls and we went out for dinner after the seminar. Later we ended up in a bar and I started chatting to this guy. I felt I was kind of interested but I was happy to talk. I gave him my number but was very perturbed afterwards when he groped me. This has happened to me lots of times before and I've brushed it off but this time it really upset me because it was the opposite of what I want right now. It also made me realise that I'm not ready to date yet as it's too raw.

 

After coming back from a friend's last night, I arrived to a birthday card from my ex with a note inside. I decide to read it and honestly I just burst into tears and cried for at least an hour afterwards. So that's it - I still have feelings. It hit me like a tonne of bricks or rather a brick wall just fell on top of me. I'm now really conflicted as to what to do. I have had no desire to reinitiate contact up to this point but part of me wants to acknowledge his card and be honest and say that it touched me but I'm just not ready to communicate with him for a while because it's just too raw...then the other part of me says I'll open myself up to a tricky situation and that on/off thing we've had. I have blocked his phone number and social media but still have his email address.

 

Anyway even though it's my birthday I've had moments of feeling really crap and it was a real struggle to get through the day. I'm feeling so utterly confused and emotional.

[thecrucible]

So I broke my own rules to reinitiate contact. I said I like the card but that we both need some months to work on ourselves. He hasn’t replied.

 

I’m trying to let go of the good stuff and see my reason for breaking up - that he didn’t apologise for hurting my feelings - as valid. I just don’t think he realises that saying sorry doesn’t mean him giving up power. It’s annoying because it feels like such an easy thing to fix.