long distances & visits?

[d0nnivain]

SIL that I like lives on the west coast. I just found out that she & her husband had been in NYC last weekend for a whirlwind trip: Thursday to Monday. They didn't tell us. I thought they were coming this weekend & reached out to firm up plans.

 

IMO when you live far away if the other person is within 200 miles you make arrangements to meet up even if it's only for an hour or two especially when you rarely get to see each other. First time I ever met her, DH & I drove 3 hours 1 way to Philly to spend 1 hour with her, then drive back the same night.

 

I'm hurt she didn't say anything. DH just shrugged. It is his sister.

 

Am I overly sensitive? To the best of my knowledge she's not mad at me.

 

Do I say anything? DH told me to get over it but he also said he'd be OK with me speaking up. Anybody who has read my other threads about this family knows I have trouble with their passive aggressive style. I'm much more straightforward.

[Veronica73]

I’d be hurt too. I don’t know what I’d do in your situation, but I’d probably lean towards talking to her.

[preraph]

She was probably just overbooked. Sometimes it can't be helped. I have a friend on the West Coast that has come this way twice with her husband to see his friends, but she would tell me it was going on. It would only be for a couple days. Then she did come see me for a few days by herself once, so I don't feel bad about it.

 

Maybe it was business-related or some special occasion like a wedding where they weren't really in control of their time.

[d0nnivain]

Maybe it was business-related or some special occasion like a wedding where they weren't really in control of their time.

 

It was "business" for her husband. He's a musician & his band was headlining the Garden. Although I have been to the concerts I don't care for the band (or the fans) & if I wasn't getting comp'ed I wasn't shelling out $$$ for bad nosebleed tickets.

 

When we saw them in August she said she'd give me a heads up about the finalized dates. Then she didn't.

 

Other then before the show & the actual show they had no concrete plans. I told her we'd even be willing to meet them for breakfast / brunch if things were tight or take her out to dinner before the show while he was doing whatever bands do before a show.

 

It all just feels like a slap in the face. I'm the 1st person she calls when she needs something

[Mr. Lucky]

I struggle with this same issue because my grandkids live in NorCal with my siblings, nieces, nephews and their kids distributed throughout the area. I'm afraid I'm like your SIL, don't always let everyone know I'm coming so we can spend uninterrupted time with the two of them. Hard to fly in for a couple of days, and then spend large portions of the time driving and sitting in restaurants.

 

Perhaps your description of the trip as 'whirlwind' is central to the disconnect. Only so much time in the day...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Veronica73]

Okay, I’d talk to her then.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm sorry to read they handled their trip this way and understand your feelings about it completely.

 

I'd probably say something about it to let her know how much you care for them and would have loved an opportunity to see them! Cloak your comments with the love you have for them!

 

You always have such common sense and balanced posts, d0nnivain! I know you'll figure out the best way to say it!

[d0nnivain]

Hard to fly in for a couple of days, and then spend large portions of the time driving and sitting in restaurants.

 

Perhaps your description of the trip as 'whirlwind' is central to the disconnect. Only so much time in the day...

 

Maybe. But it's Manhattan. They were staying in a hotel. There is no driving; you walk everywhere. We would come to them, not the other way around. Restaurants were the only options for food or take out brought to the hotel room.

 

SIL grew up here; there are no tourist attractions she hasn't been to. We've all been there, done that. BIL went to Julliard for a while & lived in Brooklyn. We weren't keeping them from anything.

 

Seriously, we would have run in for breakfast / brunch or a quick drink after the concert (which is what we did last time he played the Beacon Theater). I'm just miffed that we got completely blown off.

 

He had 1 concert on one of the 4 days they were here; so he was busy for 6 hours at the most over 4 days. He was just coming off 2+ weeks at home so it wasn't like they hadn't seen each other. I would not have tried to interrupt couple time. If he'd been on a long tour & they hadn't seen each other that would have been one thing.

 

Yes we saw them in August. We saw him last September but before that we hadn't seen her since February 2017. She's only my SIL but I feel like she kicked her own brother in teeth. Since he doesn't seem to care, I guess I shouldn't.

[Mr. Lucky]

She's only my SIL but I feel like she kicked her own brother in teeth. Since he doesn't seem to care, I guess I shouldn't.

 

Seems like both an overreaction and projection of your feelings on to them.

 

Maybe they stayed in their hotel room for a non-stop sex marathon.

 

Maybe one or both of them was under the weather

 

Maybe ... ???

 

Since you haven't mentioned this as part of a pattern, I'd let it go. Life drops plenty of challenges right on our doorstep, no need to seek them out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[OpenBook]

Although I have been to the concerts I don't care for the band (or the fans) & if I wasn't getting comp'ed I wasn't shelling out $$$ for bad nosebleed tickets.

 

Are they aware of this disdain you have for their profession/means of making a living? Perhaps this is why they didn't reach out to you.

 

If not, I still wouldn't overreact. Some trips, it just wouldn't have fit in to visit with family.

[FMW]

If your husband is ok with it then I think maybe I would try to just accept that his family dynamics are different to what you are used to and not take it personally.

 

My parents' families were very different, and my mother spent their entire 50+ years of marriage being miffed and feeling dissed frequently by his sisters' lack of interest in being as close with my dad (and her and I) as she was with her own siblings. My dad on the other hand just shrugged it off, he truly was ok with it.

 

The next time I talked to her I would probably say something like "hey, next time you're in New York let us know, we would be happy to come meet you" (and not something that would make her feel like you were asking for an explanation).

 

Another thought, maybe they just had something personal going on that made them not feel like getting together with family right now and it has nothing to do with how your husband's sister feels about him (or you).

 

Your upset feelings come from the love you have for your husband, so that's very sweet. But again, if he's ok with it, try not to give it more thought.

[d0nnivain]

Are they aware of this disdain you have for their profession/means of making a living? Perhaps this is why they didn't reach out to you..

 

I don't have a disdain for their artist ways. Although I am very conservative & they are very liberal, we worked through that. When they were struggling I worked with them to get them grants, fix licensing issues, deal with managers & contracts etc. I am super proud of both of them making jokes that I am too bourgeois & pedestrian to have such cool artists in my family. My "disdain" is reserved for how the band's fans smell. They aren't crazy about that unpleasant aroma either.

 

I really hate pot, & especially the smell. It makes me literally sick. Shortly after their city legalized the stuff, while visiting them my BIL had to take care of me because I couldn't breathe as we walked through their neighborhood. I considered going to an ER it was so bad but I don't like doctors. When I went to a festival last year the majority of fans were smoking. Many hadn't bathed. The smell was putrid. My BIL commented that it was particularly bad & called me a trooper for staying. This concert last week was at a world class indoor venue; it was not going to have the same aromatic qualities as the outdoor multiday festival so I don't think my disdain played a role.

 

When I originally met the band & some of the super fans I was gracious. I don't look down on people who hold life philosophies or political views that differ from mine. I try to learn from them & perhaps helps them to not be so hostile to points I hold dear in an effort to co-exist.

 

Again the plan that I thought we worked out didn't involve us coming to the concert. It was about meeting so we could visit. I also loathe ghosting. If they didn't want to see us, they could have been clearer & spoken up.

[preraph]

I don't know, because when it's a band thing, sometimes they're expected to stay together so one doesn't get off and get drunk or high and not show up. Sometimes the band members are on lockdown.

[Mr. Lucky]

I also loathe ghosting.

 

d0nnivain, you have a particular focus that I'd guess serves you well in your professional life .

 

They didn't ghost you, probably just got busy and did a poor job of communicating that fact. Are you carrying some perceived hurt from another interaction(s) with them you're looking to deposit here?

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

Are you carrying some perceived hurt from another interaction(s) with them you're looking to deposit here?

 

Maybe. I have always felt excluded by many of DH's family members.

 

That said, I think I'm over this. Whining to you all for 2 days has helped me process. They are not going to change. I can't change them. I have to make peace with the fact that they are what they are. That will be hard for me but personal growth is good, right?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

personal growth is good, right?

 

Of course, but so is acknowledging your legitimate feelings. I'd be hurt in this circumstance. It's ok to be hurt, but I also think you should ask about it because life is too short to carry around resentment for a family member unless it's a really egregious offense.

[d0nnivain]

I'm pretty close to letting it all go.

 

With them I have to learn to step waaayyyyy back. They are not a speak your mind, be direct take action family. My clan was way more blunt. We can & do debate anything & everything, sometimes loudly. I know DH was taken aback more then once about the strident conflicting opinions that can get bandied about in my family on subjects ranging from the most mundane to the most controversial. In comparison I see his family as a bunch of mousy people who don't at all. Seriously they can all just sit in silence for hours. I have to leave because it's just too eerie, odd, unnatural for me.

 

Don't worry once I let go, I will be well & truly done. If I find myself harboring negative thoughts I will address it. But it's best that I learn to power down with my in-laws. My "style" doesn't fit them & just causes more trouble.

[basil67]

Guilty as charged.

 

One of the reasons we've had for not arranging a visit when we're in town briefly is that it's never just a cup of tea for an hour. It gets bigger than that...and when they invite me for dinner, I'd feel rude saying that I can only stay for an hour....but at the same time, I don't want to spend a lot of a quick weekend visiting.

[Els]

If it's his sister I think he gets to decide whether it's OK or not. Different families have different "norms" in this regard.

 

Personally I would never assume that being within 200 miles means that I "should see" someone, unless that person is my SO. If we're literally in the same town/city, then yes, I'd assume it. 200 miles is a long drive IMO.