What am I doing wrong??

[elaine567]

I have no idea why some women drag along deadbeat men. Perhaps she thinks she doesn't deserve any better, or maybe there's a strong physical attraction, or maybe both.

Yes but also...

I think for some women it about fixing and changing them, in the same way, some men like "hot messes" and want to play the KISA role, some women see a man they want to save...

"Oh poor boy, I can kiss you all better..."

 

I also think some women see "potential", so are prepared to put in the effort. They may not manage to attract a man who is the finished article, but they think with a bit of time and effort, they can shape a rough diamond into a quality gem.

 

Some women like to be in control and to "mother", she can do that with a guy who essentially needs her.

Some women just love vulnerable men.

 

Life is not black and white.

"Women" are not all looking for the same type of men, and an individual woman may be looking for a different type of man at different stages of her life too.

[Redguitar35]

That is reality. Do you want there to be a simple one-word answer for every single woman on earth? It's not that easy. Between you only using online dating (until recently when you're doing nothing) and saying you dont' have time for a social life because of having a full-time job, you sound pretty lazy about having to put any effort into it at all. Do you really think that makes a good partner?

 

I take issue with your point that online dating requires no effort. It is A LOT of work for men, particularly because we outnumber women on dating apps by like 7-1. We have write a stupid bio, take quality photos, swipe past tons of women, make the first move which women aren't expected to make and refuse to do, schedule the date, get cancelled on, then repeat the whole process. That's a lot of work before you've even met her.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I take issue with your point that online dating requires no effort. It is A LOT of work for men, particularly because we outnumber women on dating apps by like 7-1. We have write a stupid bio, take quality photos, swipe past tons of women, make the first move which women aren't expected to make and refuse to do, schedule the date, get cancelled on, then repeat the whole process. That's a lot of work before you've even met her.

 

We have very different definitions of what "a lot of work" is.

[Redguitar35]

Yes but also...

I think for some women it about fixing and changing them, in the same way, some men like "hot messes" and want to play the KISA role, some women see a man they want to save...

"Oh poor boy, I can kiss you all better..."

 

I also think some women see "potential", so are prepared to put in the effort. They may not manage to attract a man who is the finished article, but they think with a bit of time and effort, they can shape a rough diamond into a quality gem.

 

Some women like to be in control and to "mother", she can do that with a guy who essentially needs her.

Some women just love vulnerable men.

 

Life is not black and white.

"Women" are not all looking for the same type of men, and an individual woman may be looking for a different type of man at different stages of her life too.

 

The question is, who is and where is the woman who wants me? Why do I struggle to find her while for others it is easy.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The question is, who is and where is the woman who wants me? Why do I struggle to find her while for others it is easy.

 

Because you are expecting EASY for some reason. You're way too fixated on "easy." No woman wants to be with a man who expects everything to be easy for him. In ALL aspects of life.

[Redguitar35]

Because you are expecting EASY for some reason. You're way too fixated on "easy." No woman wants to be with a man who expects everything to be easy for him. In ALL aspects of life.

 

Some guys have had it easy. I've never had a woman flirt with me at work, or walk up to me at some place doesn't happen. Again, I go back to my original question. If different women want different things, where's the woman who likes me for who I am?

[elaine567]

At 33 you need to be out every night doing "something", not sitting at home watching Netflix.

There is time for that when you are 60+.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

where's the woman who likes me for who I am?

 

Not at your job and not inside your apartment.

[TheFinalWord]

Some guys have had it easy. I've never had a woman flirt with me at work, or walk up to me at some place doesn't happen. Again, I go back to my original question. If different women want different things, where's the woman who likes me for who I am?

 

Red pill 101 = There's no woman that likes you for you. Men love idealistically, women love opportunistically. As someone pointed out, some women love project boyfriends, some women love men that are at the top of their game, some women love abusive men. It's all about opportunism. She's not in love with his soul, but the emotion he creates insider her.

 

Men use logic when processing love. That's why you're trying to use logic to solve your dating problems, i.e. checking off boxes. The one caveat is if a woman is seeking to cash out of the sexual market place to start a family. She might settle, but even that's not really done using logic. They trade off various desirable traits they would like in man for stability. Even those guys aren't safe with divorce laws. But the truth is, you could have the six, 6's (6' feet, 6 pack, 6 figure salary) and a woman could pick a inmate over you. Just think there are beautiful women right now spending their Saturday night putting together a care package for a guy in prison, who wouldn't look twice at your dating profile no matter how good you look, your salary, or hobbies. Why? Emotion. What emotion do you invoke? Probably the only way to predict the type of emotional response you need to create to spark attraction in a woman is attachment style theory. But even that isn't that reliable in my opinion. If you can invoke an emotion in her, your life could be in shambles and she won't go anywhere. If you evoke no emotion, you can be the best guy on paper and it won't amount to anything. You could be a ton of "fun", enjoy traveling, play in a band, whatever women consider fun these days, but if you don't spark emotion in her, no amount of fun is going to matter to her. How many dates have you taken women on where you drop over $100 for a fun night, only to be ghosted.

 

With OLD though, looks do tend to matter more and that you are getting dates via OLD tells me you have to be at least average looking. But you aren't sparking emotion on the date. You can try to work on game. Game is designed to hack into a girls emotional psychology. It can work, but it's better for casual sex than relationships per say.

 

Bro, you're just experiencing the frustrations of OLD. In my experience, 95% of women on OLD are just out of a relationship, have too much baggage, and/or a cluster b mental disorder.

 

You're dealing with slim pickings with OLD. The dating market in general is a mess for men with online being the messiest corner of the dating marketplace. That's why that survey came out that showed a 10% increase in the number of men reporting no sex in the past year.

 

Your best bet is to focus your energies on other things in life. If you meet a woman great, but if not, then you'll have to learn how to suppress that desire. I find heavy weightlifting helps because it burns off all that excessive testosterone that you can't release due to lack of regular sex. Things don't look good for men these days so my best advice is drop OLD and find some other pleasures in life. Keep dating but don't go in with any expectations. Outcome independence is the name of the game. Heck, if you genuinely have this mindset, the fact you don't care will probably attract some women lol

Edited September 22, 2019 by TheFinalWord
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[nospam99]

At 33 you need to be out every night doing ''something'', not sitting at home watching Netflix.

There is time for that when you are 60+.

 

Hey! Watch the agism!

[Maggiemay1]

Online dating was not fun for me which is why I stopped doing it. It was just work without anything to show for it. Spending hours swiping, chatting.....

 

Spending HOURS????

But earlier you said you have no time to make friends?

 

I suggest you do take a break from dating and spend those hours socialising and becoming more of an interesting person in general outside of work.

You ONLY work 50 hrs per week. You possibly sleep 50 hrs a week.

What do you spend the remaining 68 hrs per week doing and what have you got to show for it?

 

How can you expect another to show interest in your life when you don’t invest yourself?

[gaius]

Just from your posts here it seems like you're as much fun as a mammogram. No woman out there is looking to hang out with an Eeyore on a Saturday night.

 

When my wife and I started dating she wasn't taking me seriously and thinking I was going to be the man for her. But we had great conversation, I knew how to flirt and I was fun. So she agreed to go out with me on a date. Then another and another. Now I'm the man for her and she's all mine.

 

Be more fun redguitar.

[Redguitar35]

Just from your posts here it seems like you're as much fun as a mammogram. No woman out there is looking to hang out with an Eeyore on a Saturday night.

 

When my wife and I started dating she wasn't taking me seriously and thinking I was going to be the man for her. But we had great conversation, I knew how to flirt and I was fun. So she agreed to go out with me on a date. Then another and another. Now I'm the man for her and she's all mine.

 

Be more fun redguitar.

 

Frankly after the last month I've had with online dating, I think I'm done with dating in general for a long time. I'm not enjoying it.

[chillii]

I take issue with your point that online dating requires no effort. It is A LOT of work for men, particularly because we outnumber women on dating apps by like 7-1. We have write a stupid bio, take quality photos, swipe past tons of women, make the first move which women aren't expected to make and refuse to do, schedule the date, get cancelled on, then repeat the whole process. That's a lot of work before you've even met her.

 

 

 

 

7 to 1, you kidding me. Jesus l wouldn't even bother using a date site with those numbers that's ridiculous.

And very very bad for any quality in the women and respect because it's too unnaturally distorted.

 

Find one that's 50 50 or better, or leave the stupid things alone,meet people naturally.

[Gretchen12]

Frankly after the last month I've had with online dating, I think I'm done with dating in general for a long time. I'm not enjoying it.

 

Yup, I can tell. You don't enjoy the whole process. For you it's a chore. After some bad experiences you don't even like women much (I don't mean not sexually turned on, but that you've lost respect for and good will towards women). A lot of men prefer to bond with other men. They only "put up" with dating women because, well, need to get one of those. You're burnt out. Taking a break to reset is actually a good idea.

[elaine567]

Hey! Watch the agism!

 

Sorry!

But you do get what I am saying, I guess at 33 you were not watching TV every night and at week ends, unless maybe you were staying in looking after little kids.

[Maggiemay1]

Frankly after the last month I've had with online dating, I think I'm done with dating in general for a long time. I'm not enjoying it.

 

Only 4 weeks?? And you are done?

 

I will re post ..... “Spending HOURS????

But earlier you said you have no time to make friends?

 

I suggest you do take a break from dating and spend those hours socialising and becoming more of an interesting person in general outside of work.

You ONLY work 50 hrs per week. You possibly sleep 50 hrs a week.

What do you spend the remaining 68 hrs per week doing and what have you got to show for it?

 

How can you expect another to show interest in your life when you don’t invest yourself?”

 

Your words , you need to create a “stupid bio”

 

You claim to be educated yet you can’t grasp the simple fact of increased investment equals increased return? Despite risk factors?

 

You sound self entitled and no one is or will be interested in that attitude.

[chillii]

Geez , thinking about it, if your date site odds are really that distorted then it just goes to show how hopeless date sites mostly must be then to btw. Because even with those odds , women don't do any better on them than men , just read around ls or ask the women you meet, l did and l'm good friends with a few here on ls too actually , same story, 2 are actually absolutely gorgeous and even they've had zero luck on date sites either. Met people yeah but always lead to nothing, or bad news.

When l was on one every woman l'd met had had a terrible run on them , most had been on them for years yet still gotten absolutely nowhere and yet they were the pick of the crop.

Maybe people are just better off out in the real world. l know l'd prefer it myself if l'm ever there again but back when l just wasn't getting out much at the time and l only went on one just to talk to a few women that's all really. l didn't really expect to meet anyone worthwhile or was l even bothered about it either actually at the time.

Edited September 22, 2019 by chillii

[nospam99]

Re: odds and male/female ratios. Quick experiment with my typical search settings (age range 58 to 63 may be very significant) on Match: 468 hits as 'man seeking women', 528 as 'woman seeking men' (gawd those dudes are even uglier than the young guys I tried a couple of weeks ago). And in another venue, both the 50s-60s speed dating I sign up for and the 40s-50s have wait lists for the women. At my age I'm not seeing a prohibitive ratio. Also keep in mind that as a parent, I'm not automatically rejecting all the MILFs and GILFs.

[chillii]

Mine the ratios were pretty close to 50 50 l remember checking that out before l joined. l mean your gonna have a bit of crap on any l'd imagine and meet some bad apples and get pissed around a bit but l'd still think a good one is well worth having. Never know and it does happen, even around ls there has been stories of people meeting their h or w from date sites. One of the women l met back when on mine is engaged now.

[SumGuy]

My takeaway from that thread is that different women are looking for different things.

Duh. Exactly.

 

There is no magic words, or magic way of acting that entices all women, no matter what the PUA or other navel gazing community would have you believe.

 

It's all about what kind of woman you want to attract, then seeing if you are what that woman is interested in; if not, you can decide to change or improve or change what you want.

 

What is usually unattractive to most women is to do nothing and blame the "system," or what have you, and hope by your righteous attitude and being a "good guy" they will be interested in you. My impression is that guys with a righteous attitude are rarely considered "good guys."

[Twizzlestick]

I think OLD gets portrayed in a strange context. This “meet women in real life” thing. OLD is the same human women you would meet “irl”. It’s not a warehouse of droids hidden up on a secret hill. Yes with OLD you get a massive amount of flakes and time wasters. But the reason is this, it’s logical and scientific. You’re looking at things with OLD through a magnifying glass. It’s a massive concentration of women. It’s sheer scaling. You up the numbers of chances and risks.

 

Go out in “real life” and round up 100 women (similar to swiping on an app). That would take say what half an hour on an app, and prob 2 years of weekends in real life. I bet you’d find a sizeable amount of those 100 would equally mess you about, seem keen on a date, then not keen, all the rest bla bla. I’ve been just as royally messed about in real life as online dates.

 

The only reason is in real life you never meet people in such a concentrated fashion. But as we all know real life is just as easy to get let down in dating. You go to a night class and finally find someone who you fancy and ask them out. And then the whole lottery of getting messed about can still play.

 

So moral is, do both. Don’t hate the game. Know that there’s no intrinsic difference with OLD, you’re just bypassing the dicking about “in real life” by targeting people that show at least a passing interest in meeting someone, whereas in real life, that girl, you’re eyeing up for weeks might have a fella.

 

The downside of OLD is because it’s so concentrated you’re gonna get a concentrated amount of being messed about.

 

Stop being so negative about it all, do both but less intensively. Take a break from the apps and try and few activities. Then with the apps again but lose the bad attitude towards it (for your own benefit) but treat it as a supplement or a fifty/fifty split. But do get out. That’s good for your mental health. I need to get out more and I’m striving to do it with a heavy job schedule

 

I’ve never found writing the minuscule bio on tinder or apps “work”. At worst it’s made me feel deflated when I’ve had no matches for weeks and unattractive as a man, especially when I’ve been unmatched numerous times without chat, but then other times quite good and you get a lift when you get a few matches. I’ve only had two dates from the apps and they came to nothing. But I still enjoyed it. I like the dating thing on the whole so far, albeit I’m probably not in the desperate mode yet as still recovering from a rele breakup. So much I don’t want to get rushed into commitment too early. Try not to view it as work. The process is meant to be fun. Happy hunting.

Edited September 23, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

What is usually unattractive to most women is to do nothing and blame the "system," or what have you, and hope by your righteous attitude and being a "good guy" they will be interested in you. My impression is that guys with a righteous attitude are rarely considered "good guys."

 

So very true! Great post.