Rainbows Posted September 21, 2019 Share Posted September 21, 2019 (edited) <Backstory link here> I know its not healthy. I know you should just turn your back and move forward. IF my husbands affair is still ongoing, if he has chosen his OW and her daughter over our family and our babies, I want to 'out' the root of their relationship before they even try to 'deny' this was from an affair...I feel they are being very careful allowing time to pass. I could of course wait to see/until they do try become public, but im not quite sure if then will be too late, ie for their relationship to receive others innocent blessings etc. Whats anyone elses experience of outing an affair? Edited September 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Add link to backstory ~W Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted September 21, 2019 Share Posted September 21, 2019 I'm surprised you haven't outed the affair already. I'm not big on getting revenge but you have no obligation to protect your husband's ugly secret. How can you find adequate support when you haven't been truthful to people about what has happened? Speak your truth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted September 21, 2019 Share Posted September 21, 2019 I would strongly recommend a private investigator but I was recently reminded that the profession does not exist in the UK. You should be keeping a journal and documenting everything. Use the internet searches to attempt to gather information on the AP and start building up a dossier. Enlist as many people to help you as possible. There are devices called voice activated recorders that can be hidden in cars or placed within the home where people make phone calls. GPS his car if you can and if he is technologically ignorant about his cell phone try and turn on the Phones GPS. It won't work of course if he notices it. One woman I read about put a secret pocket in her child's teddy bear with a var and whenever visitation happened she got the inside scoop. Now some of this is illegal in some states here in the USA so it may also be illegal in the UK. Just don't reveal your sources or try to use the evidence in court. Think of it as intelligence gathering. The more you know the better you will be at protecting yourself and your children. Link to post Share on other sites
Davey L Posted September 21, 2019 Share Posted September 21, 2019 I would strongly recommend a private investigator but I was recently reminded that the profession does not exist in the UK. What? I refer you to the Association of British Investigators - https://www.theabi.org.uk/ Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 21, 2019 Share Posted September 21, 2019 Trouble is whilst all this is devastating for you, others may not actually care that much save for the usual.. "OMG how could he?" "Oh dear..." "Your poor kids..." etc. Once it blows over you may find he is accepted back into the fold... and some may even question your part in him leaving... Relationships often end and men can often leave when kids die, so some may see it as not totally unexpected. Adultery makes no difference in the divorce and if they are both good workers, and there has been no dip in performance, their work may not take any action either. You, if you press it, or show up causing mayhem, may be seen as the trouble-maker Tell your family and close friends, garner their support... Getting stuck on revenge may backfire... the crazy ex is an accusation often levelled at women, try not to give them any ammunition. Concentrate on being the best parent you can be for your kids. They will need both of you. Making an enemy out of their father is often not a healthy dynamic for them to grow up in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted September 21, 2019 Share Posted September 21, 2019 What? I refer you to the Association of British Investigators - https://www.theabi.org.uk/ Thank Davey. I shall be better informed in the future Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 21, 2019 Share Posted September 21, 2019 Getting stuck on revenge may backfire... the crazy ex is an accusation often levelled at women, try not to give them any ammunition. Concentrate on being the best parent you can be for your kids. They will need both of you. Making an enemy out of their father is often not a healthy dynamic for them to grow up in. Very solid advice. Rainbows, advancing your cause isn't the same thing as inhibiting his. Life isn't a zero sum game, you don't necessarily win if he loses. Especially, as elaine points out, when you'll be stuck co-parenting for decades. Focus on your own progress. Therein lies the best return on effort invested... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted September 22, 2019 Share Posted September 22, 2019 op, I agree that it's not a good idea to make an enemy of your children's father. However, when I comes to his OW being around your kids, I say you shouldn't allow that to happen if you are not comfortable with it. If you feel she's unstable or you can;t trust her to be around your children, then I would suggest you speak to a lawyer about the situation. Find out what your rights are. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 22, 2019 Share Posted September 22, 2019 There was a lot of discussion on this question in this recent thread, suggest you have a look: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/689078-do-i-tell-other-woman-s-husband Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted September 23, 2019 Share Posted September 23, 2019 <Backstory link here> I know its not healthy. I know you should just turn your back and move forward. IF my husbands affair is still ongoing, if he has chosen his OW and her daughter over our family and our babies, I want to 'out' the root of their relationship before they even try to 'deny' this was from an affair...I feel they are being very careful allowing time to pass. I could of course wait to see/until they do try become public, but im not quite sure if then will be too late, ie for their relationship to receive others innocent blessings etc. Whats anyone elses experience of outing an affair? I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It is hard to function with all that pain - but you are and well. Talking and writing about it helps far more than you may realize. Please don't second-guess your reactions, judge yourself or apologize for not responding a different way. In fact, I think most here will agree it's not healthy NOT to be honest in public and private about it. It's partly about "outing" but mostly about living the truth. It's what happened. Why should you cover anything up? But be careful. Not everyone wants to know. You tell because you don't want to live a lie yourself. You tell when and where it comes up. You don't have to create a situation and you don't have to accept someone else's lack of understanding. You do what you need to do to heal. You are what's important for your family. Usually when you know that they are not fooling people is important. So making sure no one believes their lie does help you heal. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted September 24, 2019 Share Posted September 24, 2019 op, I don'tt know the statistics, but they really don't matter. What matters is you, your WS and why he's chosen to have an affair. If he does decide that he wants to stay with you, you have the right and even an obligation to set the "non negotiables" for a reconciliation. I would always advise men and women (any BS) to make both couples and individual therapy a requirement. This is so important, especially if there are kids in the family. It's incredibly unfair for them if mommy or daddy comes and goes from their home and life. Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted September 26, 2019 Share Posted September 26, 2019 Hope you are holding up well. What does your gut tell you to do? Please don’t act on emotions only as it will cloud the thought process. Carful considerations as months or years later you may have to justify them. Good luck and cyber hugs ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbows Posted September 26, 2019 Author Share Posted September 26, 2019 MODS - PLEASE Close this thread and RE-OPEN MY ORIGINAL THREAD. Re "Real love affair or PND" I used that thread as a support system and its been closed. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 26, 2019 Share Posted September 26, 2019 Rainbows, use the "Alert Us" button at the bottom of your post... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbows Posted September 28, 2019 Author Share Posted September 28, 2019 I have done, I had a message but I couldnt reply directly to it so ive sent another message, I didnt realise there was a general section so this revenge post should be locked and the original post re-opened so I can carry on responding and updating on the ongoing situation Link to post Share on other sites
Tristian Posted September 28, 2019 Share Posted September 28, 2019 Original thread reopened and can be found here>> https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/689721-real-love-affair-male-pnd-baby-loss Reminder to everyone to use the ALERT US function and not the CONTACT US link. Alerts go directly to moderation and all of them are read. Contact us messages go to wherever socks go when you lose them in the dryer. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts