Friend's become really annoying

[bobbytango]

I'm 27, pretty okay in life. I've got a great group of friends and a decent job, can't complain too much outside of family crap (but that's for another time).

 

This is gonna be long so I apologise.

 

So my group of friends are great. The core group got together about 10 years ago and we've been together since. We all get along and over the years some people have come and gone for various reasons but I've enjoyed the hell out of it. I'm close to all of them, we can all meet up one on one and do things separately and we've all got our own lives so it's easy to slip in and out of group events which are always going on.

 

One of my friends, we'll call Adam, I've been especially close to for years. We also took a course together at one point which I remember is one of the reasons we ended up pairing up a lot. I love the guy and he like a few others are considered part of the family by my parents, but my god is he annoying.

 

He's always been very opinionated and rough about it, if you don't like it, tough, he'll carry on as if he's right (he's often wrong) to the point it's actually maddening to see him reuse to admit he's wrong. But that's always been funny and endearing. He's helped me out and I've helped him out over the years and we've gone away together either just the two of us or with the group. I've always noticed over years how he's wound people up, often on purpose and some friends have been sick to death of it but most of us don't mind, he's a nice guy and will help anyone out, he just likes to have some fun with people.

 

Lately though, I can't seem to stand him. He's had a girlfriend for about 3-4 years now and for a while, she seemed to calm him down a bit. She's great and fits into the group nicely but she also travels a lot and when she does he tends to crave attention from everyone else. He's become a lot ruder over the past few years, he openly tries to push me to breaking point or embarrass me in front of people when I'm clearly not in the mood and always puts down everything people are doing.

 

I'm working hard at my job and I'm happy and proud of myself yet he constantly calls me lazy, says I'm in a **** job, tells me I'm not gonna accomplish anything and told a mutual friend (who ended up shouting at him) that I'm in a deadbeat job and won't be able to afford a good life. (for the record, I'm in a good job, have good wages and can afford things fine). I've told him to stop plenty of times but he just laughs and changes the subject.

 

I've noticed a lot of our other friends in the group are getting a bit sick of him. His sense of humour hasn't changed much over the years and he often just does things to annoy people when it's really not the time. We'll be at a club on a night out when he'll just smack your drink out of your hand and laugh. Any attempt to do it back as play along will result in him going too far still.

 

I've always been able to talk to him about stuff but lately I don't really want to. For the past year, he's been working at my local pub where a lot of us go for drinks and it's been terrible. I know it must be annoying to be stuck working when your mates turn up for a drink but he'll often **** with our drinks or keep walking past and giving you a slap (something he keeps doing lately). I was on a date night the other week and he randomly walked past and slapped my face as hard as he could. I played it off as a joke but it was ****ing annoying. He also keeps insisting on joining me when he's finished his ****. I'll be with someone on a date and he'll sit with us and spend the time either bragging about something or trying to embarrass me.

 

Now this is where he's been getting out of hand and it's rubbing me the wrong way. I work a lot and when I'm not, I've got plans to see our friends (which are often organised in the group chat) or I'm with my family or my partner. If I get some time to myself then I like to spend it alone, relaxing in my room doing some hobbies. Mates of course will ring and if I say I'm busy or not in the mood, they understand. He won't. He'll call me a liar and keep ringing and texting me. He threatens to come to my house to drag me out. I won't reply, so he'll just keep texting. However, the week, my parents went to the pub for a quick drink and he invited himself to sit with them (something my Mom says he keeps doing) and got my Mom to call and guilt trip me into meeting him.

He's started complaining saying that everyone keeps making plans without him despite the fact that most group plans are made on the chat and we meet weekly so it's not our fault if he's always working. I've also told him he needs to stop texting when I've told him I'm busy only for him to basically say "You're not allowed to be busy". It's actually gotten to the point that I'm scared to walk down my high street in case he spots me and corners me which he's done before.

 

I've talked to some of our other friends and he's actually been doing the same thing to them. He asked our friend, Ryan to go for a drink, Ryan was out with his work friends and Adam got annoyed and apparently text him 15 times to force him out. He won't read the group chat and misses out on nights out and when he is out just spends the night trying to push people's buttons. He doesn't enjoy going to clubs and when he's drunk will just be horrible. He was reminding our friend, Sammy about his failed past relationships on his birthday night out the other day.

 

I'm not sure what to do. I love the guy and don't wanna lose him as a friend but I'm actually having to avoid calls from him because I need a break. I have a banging headache as soon as he calls.

[Foxhall]

Looks like the chap is heading for exclusion from the group which is something I never like to see,

 

 

hard to see a way around it though- a full scale bust-up is likely in the near future I imagine.

 

one of your group- a strong character, needs to pull him aside privately and set him straight

 

"Look Buddy .........

 

maybe few of you have a chat about that and decide which of you is the best man for the job.

[spiderowl]

He might have been a friend once but he is acting immature and cruel. Cruelty is not fun and it is not nice. Slapping you on the face is not funny, it is assault. No wonder you want to avoid the guy.

 

I guess because he was fun and a bit 'out there' before, you are still trying to see him the same way when he has changed and is going too far. I am sure you are all getting fed up of his embarassing behaviour.

 

OK, he works in a bar a lot and can't join you. Is he drinking a lot more than he used to? Drink can make some people more aggressive and of course makes most people less inhibited. He may not be drinking obviously (because in some bars the bar staff are not permitted to drink) but he has access and may be hiding drink. I just feel there is something going on here that is causing his previously amusing behaviour to become something else.

 

I think it is fair enough to tell this guy you don't want to associate with him again until his behaviour improves. He needs to know that what he is doing is upsetting people. He cannot be allowed to slap people in the face without some kind of reaction. Brushing it off is not helping him. He is pushing things to the limits and, whatever is driving this behaviour, he should face the consequences.

 

Why not tell him you don't want to see him again because of his behaviour. Tell him he has changed and what was funny before is now extreme. He knows his behaviour is provocative. He is trying to push buttons. He is trying to get attention. This is not the way to get the attention of your friends.

 

Can you see any pattern to this behaviour? Is it directed at only some of the group? If you were to keep an eye on him one evening, is there someone who is a focus of his movement and attention, someone he keeps drifting back to physically? Does he keep ending up near to the same woman, for example, you maybe or one of the other women? If so, he is unhappy about what is happening with that person. Whatever the situation, no woman should put up with this treatment and should make it clear to him that it is not acceptable behaviour. If he then refuses to take that seriously, its his problem, he will lose friends.

[preraph]

He has problems. First of all, he likes to embarrass and tear down other people to build himself up. So he has bad self-esteem. Pair that with his bombastic nature and lack of boundaries (bet he had a crap childhood -- either that or was handed the moon) and you have obnoxious.

 

I am surprised he still has friends.

 

His ranting is a sign of crap mental health, when it's done to that degree. The world according to Adam. You might tell him that sometime and also "When it seems to you like the whole rest of the world is wrong, nope, it's you."

 

 

As far as him harassing you on text and phone or any other way ever considered just not responding? And if he comes over, don't answer the door? And tell him you're serious about not liking that behavior and that he needs to respect your decisions so you don't have to treat him like the annoying toddler he reminds you of? Have you ever just stood up to him? Have your group of friends ever considered an intervention where you all sit him down and tell him you're tired of his bullying? And maybe tell your mom just not to take his calls? That right there is stalker behavior, contacting your family to gain leverage over you. What BS!

 

You can preface it with his good qualities, but he needs to be sat down and talked to. It's nonsense. He probably needs to see a therapist.

[healing light]

I have a banging headache as soon as he calls.

 

This is your body telling you that your "friendship" is over. He's bad for your mental and physical health.

 

Adam really sounds like he has mental health issues--and a total lack of boundaries to a scary degree. I would not be surprised if he got increasingly aggressive when told no or cut off.

 

But for your own good, you need to just not respond and have a good talk with your parents about the proper boundaries here so they don't get roped into trying to guilt you again. You are entitled to time off from everyone, and especially from abusive people.

 

If you really want to salvage things with him, you need to tell him that he has to start with respecting your personal space, including not physically assaulting you or trying to intimidate you to do things against your will. That you enjoy your old times together, but you can't continue to tolerate behavior that makes you increasingly uncomfortable. I wouldn't say it in person, I would send it in an email or text the next time he starts harassing you. You could ask him if he realizes he is coming across as aggressive and pushy when he is like this and that you don't appreciate how he isn't respecting your free will. Maybe follow it up by asking him what is up with these changes lately, that he seems different and is everything okay?

 

By no means should anyone individually corner him in person. I think if you guys do stage an in-person intervention, your entire group should be there for everyone's safety.