I am so confused about the state of my marriage

[pyruvate]

Hi everyone,

 

I have been married for about 3 years and am in a long distance relationship. Going into the marriage, my wife told me she had financial issues which prevented her from leaving her country (due to local laws there) which I know must have taken a lot of courage for her to do. Fast forwarding to the present, I had sponsored her to come live with me in my own country and essentially, the process was recently completed. However, my wife had still not been able to pay off her loan. I initially payed a good chunk of the loan when we got married and now because I didn't have enough money, I was applying for a loan which I would combine with whatever I had from my savings to pay off her loan and lift her travel restrictions.

 

 

The problem is, my parents found out and they decided to call my wife's parents to tell her about her loan as they maintained when I asked them why they did this that the loan should be her responsibility. Ever since my parents did this, my wife has been calling me and throwing very nasty insults at my parents despite my telling her to stop. Now people from her family are calling me up to tell me that I should quit my job to go live with her until her loan is payed off and all these people are adding to my hurt by hating on my parents. My wife is also now saying that unless I give her a wedding redo (regardless of how I get the money and pay for it), she will be divorcing me.

 

To top things off, my wife has been accusing my parents of a whole host of things from my mom not being careful with diet when she was pregnant with me to my dad going around telling people I have mental issues. I asked my parents about all this and they were shocked at these allegations. This has been going on for 2 years now. I am honestly starting to think this woman isn't right for me but I really can't bring myself to leave her because I really do love her.

 

Another thorn in our relationship is that I have been studying hard for grad school entrance exams because not having a higher degree has really hurt my career. I spend an hour on the phone with my wife every day and now since my parents called her parents, she has been demanding that I spend more time with her to fix the marriage regardless of whether or not I study. This is because her view is that I shouldn't put anything else above the marriage while I believe that I can still be with her and study because if I cannot pass the exams this year, I have to wait a whole year to write them again and I am already 35 years of age (something which has stressed me out very much and she knows this).

 

I have never been in a relationship before. So I want to ask, is all this normal ? Ever since my wife has told me the allegations about my parents, I have really begun distrusting my parents and everything they do just raises suspicions in me about them. I don't want to feel this way but I really don't know what I can do to get out of this whole mess.

 

Please, if anyone out there has been through this, tell me what I can do to change things. Am I the one in the wrong here ?

Edited September 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Add link to backstory and fix spacing

[BaileyB]

In other words, her answer to the fact that she has debt that prevents her from moving forward in her life is... to incur more debt by throwing another wedding? Does that make any sense to you?

 

How did she accumulate all this debt? Was it for school, or is it consumer debt?

 

Honestly, the fact that she has such a large loan hanging over her head would really give me pause. Her unreasonable demands and inappropriate/threatening behaviour toward you and your parents would scare the living daylights out of me. I would file for annulment, if possible.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Nope, not normal. Almost all of it.

[pyruvate]

In other words, her answer to the fact that she has debt that prevents her from moving forward in her life is... to incur more debt by throwing another wedding? Does that make any sense to you?

 

How did she accumulate all this debt? Was it for school, or is it consumer debt?

 

Honestly, the fact that she has such a large loan hanging over her head would really give me pause. Her unreasonable demands and inappropriate/threatening behaviour toward you and your parents would scare the living daylights out of me. I would file for annulment, if possible.

 

 

She tells me the debt was because she helped someone out a long time ago who was in trouble. I actually was impressed by that and it was one reason I married her.

 

 

 

But, she told me right from the start that her parents and even some of her siblings didnt know about this and that I was not to tell them. Her dad when he found out actually yelled at me for not telling him earlier so he could sort this out and make sure she could be with me.

[basil67]

Your wife is nuts. She has all these debts...meanwhile you're having to go into debt yourself to cover them. And she wants you to drop $$$ on a wedding redo.

 

Honestly, you've made a grave mistake in marrying her. You are simply a cash cow to her. End it now and save whatever money you haven't wasted on her.

Edited September 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[pyruvate]

Yeah, same request. I just feel like I am in deadlock though. Divorce isn't something you can come back from. I just feel personally responsible for all this. Did I not spend enough time on her ? Was I or am I wrong to want to study for my exams too ?

 

I don't disagree that the redo stuff isn't reasonable. I was going to organize a smaller event for her when I was able to but after this loan stuff was out of the way.

Edited September 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

She sounds like a very foolish woman about money. I would suspect she and her family just want your money, and I would not be too mad at your parents because I'm sure they felt the same and were hoping to find nice parents when they called that understood that you shouldn't have to pay off her debt.

 

I doubt she'll EVER be out of debt! It's crazy she now wants to spend thousands on a wedding, and yes, that is what it costs.

 

I would consider this a red flag and consider either having the marriage annulled or getting a divorce and marry someone with better financial sense who isn't just wanting to spend your money for you.

[BaileyB]

I agree that she sounds very foolish with money. Furthermore, I don’t think that you will ever have enough money to satisfy her.

 

Her request that you have a wedding redo is not rational. If this a sign of things to come - an entitled, greedy wife who tries to emotionally blackmail you into doing whatever she wants... no, thank you. I would never want to be in a relationship like this.

 

You have two choices - either you do exactly what she asks, she will continue to ask for more, and you will drive yourself further and further into debt and unhappiness... Or, you divorce. Your choice.

[anika99]

Good Lord, I remember your last thread where you said this marriage hasn't even been consummated and your wife's reason for not having sex with you yet was because she wants a do over wedding first. On that thread it was pretty clear to me that your wife just doesn't want to have sex with you so she is making ridiculous demands to hold you at bay. On this thread it becomes even more obvious that you are being suckered. Your wife is never going to move to you. She is never going to have sex with you. She is just going to take as much as she can get from you for as long as she can.

[S2B]

Stop giving her anything - especially money!!! If she wants money she can earn it herself!

 

Then she’s mean to you... divorce her! She been using you for money!

 

Just end it!

[Big Aus]

Sorry, you have been scammed and robbed.

 

"She can't travel because she has debt" I've never heard such nonsense.

 

She was sick for your wedding and that's why you never got to consummate your marriage??? Oh dear

 

Now she wants you to send her even more money "or she will divorce you" ???

 

She is bleeding you dry. She doesn't have any feelings for you at all. She will just keep inventing excuses to take your money.

 

You don't have a marriage, and she is never going to be your wife, unless it involves another way to get money out of you.

 

Stop sending money.

If your marriage is valid in your country, get it annulled.

Report her for fraud to the authorities in both countries.

[ExpatInItaly]

What country does she live and who exactly does she own so much money to that she cannot leave the country? What law prohibits movement of its citizens over debt?

 

OP, I hope you realize this has scam written all over it. You have been completely fooled into sending her large amounts of money. My guess? There isn't and never was any debt. That was a story concocted to make you think she cannot come and see you and instead to cough up money for this woman and her family. It worked.

 

My friend, she isn't going to come to your country. She is going to stay where she is and continue hunting for naive men (sorry) to bankroll her. I don't know if you bothered looking into this, or if your family and friends sounded any alarm bells over this before you tied the knot, but this is not normal at all. It's fraud.

 

This isn't going to become the happy marriage you thought it would. It's time to seek a divorce. She is playing you for a fool and has been for quite a while, it seems. And do NOT give her any more money. She is lying about why she needs it.

[BaileyB]

What country does she live and who exactly does she own so much money to that she cannot leave the country? What law prohibits movement of its citizens over debt?

 

OP, I hope you realize this has scam written all over it. this is not normal at all. It's fraud.

 

It's time to seek a divorce. She is playing you for a fool and has been for quite a while, it seems. And do NOT give her any more money.

 

My thoughts exactly. OP, you sound very naive as you ask “have I done anything wrong?” and “what else could I do to make her happy?” You are in this marriage for love, and she is laughing all the way to the bank. That’s why I say, I would look into whether this marriage is legal - can you get an annulment or do you need to divorce. The whole situation sounds sketchy and I would want out, as fast as possible... Protect yourself.

[d0nnivain]

This is not a good woman or a good family. You don't have a marriage worth saving. Just end it. It will be cheaper for you in the long run. When you divorce do everything you can to have whatever you paid for this loan in the 1st place credited against any claims she makes now.

[FMW]

Divorce isn't something you can come back from

 

Not sure what you mean by that. Many of us have gone through divorce. It's difficult and stressful, but it's preferable to staying in a lousy situation like you have right now. You can recover and eventually be happy after divorce. I'm not sure how likely that is for you if you stay married.

[pyruvate]

Sorry, you have been scammed and robbed.

 

My thoughts exactly. OP, you sound very naive as you ask “have I done anything wrong?” and “what else could I do to make her happy?” You are in this marriage for love, and she is laughing all the way to the bank. That’s why I say, I would look into whether this marriage is legal - can you get an annulment or do you need to divorce. The whole situation sounds sketchy and I would want out, as fast as possible... Protect yourself.

 

Hi Bailey,

 

I do sense there is something very wrong here which is why I put this question on the forum. She is in the Middle East right now and they do have laws there that prevent people from travelling if the banks file a civil case against them if they fall into arrears. That is what happened here. She also showed me a screenshot of her bank account and there is a substantial loan so that part of her story does check out. What bothers me is that I have been asking to speak to her bank for 2 years and I don't even know where she got this loan from originally. That is the part that really sticks out to me.

 

The other thing is the way she treats my parents. Recently, almost every phone call involves her claiming my mom is manipulative and a liar. I know my mom has always looked out for me and has busted her guts when I was little so I could stay in school and get an education. Now the stuff my wife is saying is really messing with my mind and making it hard for me to trust my parents. Every little thing they might do wrong feeds into what she is telling me and I really can't allow that to happen.

 

Ultimately, I need to know from an objective bunch of people (like you) that I had no part to play in things getting so sour. IF I did, I want to at least do my part to mend things and if it still doesn't work, then I would be sure divorce was the right choice.

 

I hope that sheds a bit more light on all this.

Edited September 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[FMW]

Now the stuff my wife is saying is really messing with my mind and making it hard for me to trust my parents.

 

From what you've shared with us, your wife is in absolutely no position to be questioning your parents' motivations. She calls your mother manipulative? Pot meet kettle.

 

Consider carefully your history with your parents and that with your wife. What have their actions toward you shown? Who has shown love and care?

[FMW]

Ultimately, I need to know from an objective bunch of people (like you) that I had no part to play in things getting so sour

 

The part you played was choosing to marry her, it seems, without either knowing her and her family very well or if you did, then ignoring all the warning signs of what was to come.

 

It seems the only way you can "mend" things with her is to do exactly as she wants. And I think everyone's views on that have been made clear.

[BaileyB]

What bothers me is that I have been asking to speak to her bank for 2 years and I don't even know where she got this loan from originally.

 

Respectfully, that was a huge red flag that you should never have married those woman. The good news - it’s not too late to right this ship.

 

The other thing is the way she treats my parents. Recently, almost every phone call involves her claiming my mom is manipulative and a liar. I know my mom has always looked out for me and has busted her guts when I was little so I could stay in school and get an education. Now the stuff my wife is saying is really messing with my mind and making it hard for me to trust my parents.

 

Your parents have known you, loved you, supported you, guided you, taught you for your entire life. Why in the world would you ever take the word of a woman who is seeking to take advantage of you over your parents. She has a lot to gain for making you distrust your parents. They only want to see you happy, healthy, and successful.

 

I want to at least do my part to mend things and if it still doesn't work, then I would be sure divorce was the right choice.

 

Very respectfully, you are too kind for your own good. If you are going to chose to give your trust, money, love, and loyalty to someone you had best be sure they are worthy of the gift - this woman is not worthy.

Edited September 22, 2019 by BaileyB

[S2B]

Whatever debt your wife has - SHE should be working and paying off herself!

 

Does she work? What country is she from?

 

Do not pay her stuff any further.

 

And consider divorcing her - she is mean and cruel. It looks like she has been using you mainly for your money.

 

It’s going to be a long and miserable life if you stay married to her.

[preraph]

You are being scammed for money. You need to annul the marriage and you can do that because you haven't had sex yet. File the paperwork and be done with it.

[pepperbird]

OP,

Here's my advice.

 

Drop whatever you are doing and cart your @rse on over to your nearest family law office. Explain the situation to him or her and find out what your options are.

 

Depending on where you live, since your marriage had never been consummated, you can easily have it annulled. That means she gets nothing from you. |She can go ont o find some other patsy to scam, and you will ahve your life back.

 

Whatever else you do...DO NOT have sex with her. Just don't. If she senses she;s losing control over you, her next step may well be to sleep with you so she can get pregnant and tie you to her for the next 18 years or so. If you want to have children, there are lots of women out there who can stand on their won two feet and will want to be with you because they love "you", not the size of your bank account.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just feel like I am in deadlock though.

 

How much time have you physically spent together?

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

Your parents are just looking out for you. Your wife is mad about them because they are shining a spotlight on how she's attempting to use you to cover her debts.

[Blanco]

Well, the bad news is that your wife is a scamming lowlife who has been manipulating you. The good news is that since you two haven't even had sex, you don't really have a marriage to be concerned about.

 

How did you meet this woman, OP? You probably don't want to hear this, but it seems like this woman has exploited the fact that you've never had a relationship. This is not at all normal behavior and the reason why your parents are so bothered here is that it's clear to them that their son is being horribly taken advantage of by someone who doesn't care about him, let alone love him.