Troubled relationship with mother...

[emerald86]

My mom has always been a slightly anxious person. She'd always find something to worry about, but I think that she was doing okay in the past, overall. We always talked and laughed and had good conversations. She supported me in both good times and bad.

 

But recently, she's been worrying rather excessively about her health, and almost anything she can think of. As far as I know, and as far as her doctors know, she appears to be physically healthy overall.

 

I moved out of my parents house a couple of years ago so that I could be closer to work, but my mom never liked that. She always wanted me to live with her, but now she's come to accept that I'd rather have my own place. I do visit my parents whenever I can however (and cook for them), but when I go, my mom is always cold and distant. We don't have conversations anymore like we used to. Often times she tells me that she doesn't even want to see me anymore, and that I should stop visiting her. She says she'd be happier if she didn't see me, and that I shouldn't even be considered a part of the family anymore.

 

I'm sure she doesn't totally mean these hurtful statements (could be the anxiety and/or depression talking), but I always think about them. I often cry myself to sleep thinking about the things she says. I've suggested she try seeing a therapist but that hasn't worked.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. My mother was always one of the most important people in my life, and I never believed this would happen. I just kind of feel sad and hopeless. I'd truly appreciate any advice.

[Big Aus]

Often times she tells me that she doesn't even want to see me anymore, and that I should stop visiting her. She says she'd be happier if she didn't see me, and that I shouldn't even be considered a part of the family anymore.

Your mother has some form of narcissistic personality disorder.

 

She is completely focused on her own health, wants, and needs.

She is trying to make you feel guilty for moving out.

 

I was married to someone like this, who it turn was just like her own mother.

That is the same crap we copped from the MIL, and she in turn did the same thing to our daughters.

 

You need to call her on it.

Tell her how much she has hurt you, both with her words and attitudes. Tell her that she needs to get help, or you will not come to visit.

 

But you may also need to accept that like my ex, and her mother, your mother may be too old and twisted to change.

In which case all you can do is look after yourself. Understand there is no truth in what she says.

[schlumpy]

There are two possibilities here.

 

This could be a real personality change in your mother either organic or brought on by her resentment at you leaving. If so, your only option is medical help or therapy.

 

The second is that she has not accepted your need for independence and is trying to guilt you back into line. The real danger here is that the pressure she puts on you could end up harming your own mental health because of your longing for that deep connection you want to have.

 

Family therapy may do the trick. Depends on how much that connection means to you.

[preraph]

I imagine it's twofold. Numero Uno, she is trying to guilt you back into line. Don't let her do that. And STOP crying about that. It's her problem, not yours. And it's unreasonable. Good parents raise children to be independent adults, not to keep them under their wing in their home the rest of their lives. Such nonsense. It's a perfectly normal and expected life stage that a child rebels and finally moves out to be independent from their parents. It's a necessary transition. It usually begins as teens. Lately, it's getting later and later. You can't become your own person and a real adult if you've never been self-sufficient and been away from the constant influence of your parents.

 

So stop feeling guilty about it. If she doesn't stop treating you bad when you're there, stop rewarding her for it by coming over and cooking for her. Tell her if she wants to see you, she's going to have to be nice.

 

I will suggest one thing, though you might not want to get it started because it might develop into her dropping by. But a lot of times people act nicer when they're not on their own turf, so she will be more tolerable if you take her OUT to eat of have her to your home. I believe I'd stick with out to eat since she's a problem. I dare her to act like a sulled up 10 year old while you're out to dinner or some other activity.

 

Her behavior needs to change. This isn't all about depression, though she may well have some disorder or other. This is mainly her trying to control you and don't forget it. Since she's resistant anyway, I wouldn't keep acting all that concerned about her health and mental health. She's just seeking attention. Don't reward bad behavior. Reward when and if she starts acting pleasant and stops acting neurotic.