paisleypanther Posted September 22, 2019 Share Posted September 22, 2019 So I'm a college student and I've been getting to know this guy in my residence hall better this year. He's really smart, he's athletic, he's nice, and he's one of the few people who is religious like me. We started talking because he found out I play guitar and his band needed a guitarist (he's the bassist). Anyway, I had a few friends who liked him in the past, but everyone said he's too aloof for relationships. From my observations, it's really hard to tell if he's flirtatious or just really nice. I'm guessing the latter because he doesn't really go on dates or pursue people who like him (and there have been many). I get that a lot of people like him. In fact, he's pretty popular. I know that doesn't really matter in college, but I can't help feeling inferior. I've had general anxiety disorder since I was 10, and it certainly has been a thorn in my side when trying to put myself out there. I look at myself and think "wow, I'm just a dumb, out-of-shape humanities major." From my experience, confidence is really important when getting to know someone, but trying to exude confidence I don't have has been exhausting. My residence hall is really social and every Thursday we have a event that's like a talent show but with alcohol, so much more informal. He asked me if I wanted to perform a song with him for it and I said sure. But after singing together, I realized I just like him more. And then he asked to see my room. Yesterday, I went to a concert with him and some other people from my hall. It was a really great time, but now I'm all caught up in the "does he like me back or is he just really nice" BS. Obviously, the optimistic side of me wants to say he does like me. However, the anxious, neurotic, abuse-victim side is screaming that he doesn't like me and if he acts like he does he certainly has an ulterior motive. Of course he doesn't have to like or dislike me, but my brain immediately goes to both extremes. Does anyone else have experience with liking someone while having anxiety? How did you cope? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 22, 2019 Share Posted September 22, 2019 Everyone has experience liking somebody while having anxiety. When you have a crush & don't know how the other person feels you get anxious. It's a human response Think about the worst case scenario. He finds out you like him & he doesn't return the feelings. You just coexist after that. The world doesn't swallow you whole. You don't get kicked out of college. It's just one guy who doesn't want to date you. It will hurt. It will suck but the world will still turn & eventually you will be OK. Now that you know you will survive, think about the good things that can happen. Focus on those instead. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 22, 2019 Share Posted September 22, 2019 You just have to use restraint, mostly to keep yourself from behaving based on your fantasy instead of his actual actions. Set yourself back every time you start getting carried away with romantic thoughts and just see what he does. If he likes you in a possibly romantic way, he'll make a move sometime soon. It does complicate trying to figure that out because he's interested in the fact you play guitar. Because normally, I'd say, if a man is talking to you regularly interested in you and what you do, he's likely also sexually interested. But I have loads of experience with musicians, and being a musician also puts you in a different status, a better status, in relation to them. In my experience, true musicians (and I like this about them) put music over anything else, even sex and certainly over relationships. I like that they have something else on their minds. But that doesn't mean most of them make faithful boyfriends, though, sadly, at least if they're playing in public. So with men in general, wait and let them show you what they are interested in. Let them show you what they are like, what they will do. You don't want to pressure some lukewarm man into temporarily being with you. Just be nice to them and smile and be entertaining and fun. That's all. And then wait and see what he'll do, if he'll make some effort to get to know you, if he'll ask you out or if he'll just try to jump straight to sleeping with you. You can only see what they're like by letting them go at their own pace and seeing what they do. And if nothing is happening or the pace is too slow or too fast, you bail and move to the next one. By the way, where I was at during the biggest music scene, in Texas, 90 percent of all the guys were aloof and would stand around in bars all sliding their eyes toward the one or two best looking women in the room and make very little effort. Ugh. Women had to make the move, but then it ended up just being sex. It was just a weird culture (rock bars). But then when I was in LA, totally the opposite. I'd be waiting at the window outside and guys would approach and just make friendly chitchat. So it's kind of a culture that is different depending where you are. I wasted a lot of time here in Dallas on men who didn't know how to just be friendly and get to know people. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 23, 2019 Share Posted September 23, 2019 "does he like me back or is he just really nice" Those aren't mutually exclusive states of being. And even if one is more true than the other - say right now, he's just being nice to you, the resulting friendship is often an open door to other other things. Life is full of twists, turns and unpredictable outcomes so the the key is to enjoy the journey. "Nice" him back, see what happens... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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