I ended my 13 year relationship so why do I feel depressed and not relieved?

[girlygo]

On 12/21/2019 at 5:41 AM, Melek said:

all these YOUTUBE links are mostly working when there is a power play at work

What do you mean by the above? Please explain....

[girlygo]

Update - 3 and a half months.  Went on a date 2 days ago via a dating app. Realised I'm not ready but I was listening to friends telling me to put myself out there and go dating and enjoy myself.  I was incredibly nervous before the date and then during it suddenly felt a bit sad towards the end.  It felt surreal sitting with a stranger.  I don't think my heart was really into it or maybe it was just that we didn't click. 

I literally felt panicky thinking about meeting him then he turned out to be nice but I felt quite underwhelmed.  Hard to explain. Maybe I'm just not ready to start doing this again? I thought with time things would get better but I realised my confidence just seems to have completely gone! Surely that's not down to being in the relationship... or is it because I'm now NOT in one? Confused by my feelings and anxiety again...

[TeddyBundy1993]

You aren't ready yet i think. First get used to be single and happy alone start with friendship and then let things escalate naturally dear.  Dont force yourself into anything let emotion flow. You made nice progress in these months  and hopefully you'll be ready to date again sooner. Such things takes times. Good luck

[FMW]

I think it's clear you're just not ready.  3 months isn't very long at all to come to terms with the end of a long-term relationship, especially since it was an ending that your partner didn't accept easily and with which you had issues of your own.  Learn to be on your own as a single woman.  

Go out with friends, flirt with guys if you feel like it, hang out in groups, get used to interacting with other men again.  But don't actively try to date.  When you're ready you'll know it, you won't have to force yourself or feel panicked.  

[alterest]

You are not ready yet, and that's ok.

As suggested, go out with friends, go play a game, read a book, watch a movie, anything that makes you happy. When you feel that you are ready, you won't feel any anxiety by go out with someone. 

You don't need to hurry with things in your life. Take your time and let things happened in their time.

You are doing everything right, and you will overcome your sadness!

[girlygo]

This probably sounds sad but I spent New Year's Eve on my own at home.   I really wanted the time to myself and also didn't feel like celebrating.  It wasn't that I didn't have an invite to be with friends but I just didn't want to as I've been thinking about my ex alot and feeling really down. The last few days have been really hard.

I was glad to just spend the night doing what I wanted to i.e watch a film on Netflix and play relaxing music, but I felt so sad.  I miss my ex so much.  This time last year I was with my ex in the very same room feeling sad and lonely,  thinking that this would be the last time I would feel like that on New Year's Eve.  Now he's gone,  this time around I felt more relaxed but in the early morning I woke, thinking of him and I cried for a bit again. 

The feelings of contacting him today are so strong.  I feel that I regret splitting up with the person who was my best friend.  3 and a half months have passed and I don't feel like my life has changed for the better. I still have not made any good friends (the 2 I made a month or so ago turned out to be needy and manipulative and I stopped seeing them as I felt they were not  positive people to be around).

Whereas I was going flat out the last few months to do activities,  go out,  see friends, go on that date etc. the last week and a half has come to a standstill and I've taken a dive again.  It's as though all my energy and motivation has gone and all I want is to be with my ex again and speak to him.

I'm actually sad to think that he might have started to move on with his life while I'm in turmoil again over whether I should have stayed with him, and it's too late to make up. It would just go back to how it was and I would have to accept it  Is something wrong with me? 

[alterest]

Hey, I can realate to you. I spent my new year's eve alone and every corner of my house is full of memories from her. It's pretty hard. And now I want to call her too, but don't do it. It only make your pain greater. Maybe you feel relief for a bit, but eventually you will collapse. I did it on christmas and things went worse (see my POST if you want more detail). 

People don't change. If you both break up for a reason, that reason is still there. I see future when two people tried to reconcile after years apart, cause both of them had time to grow. And a relationship cannot be based on expectations of changes, but in acceptance. So, yeah, you accept or you move on.

Don't whink about how he is doing and if he moved on. That changes nothing in your life and only makes you more sad about everything. And I know it's easier to say and one of the hardest things to do, but that it is. Friends will come eventually and you made a right decision to not keep bad friends. Stay strong, try to make things that you like and allow you to feel. Cry if you need, scream with your head in a pillow if you need, go out to a gym if you need, do anything that you need to feel better. Just don't enter in things that looks like easy pathes, cause them don't exist and will make your life worse.

I know you feel like crap, but that will eventually pass and you will be happy again in no time.

[TeddyBundy1993]

6 hours ago, girlygo said:

This probably sounds sad but I spent New Year's Eve on my own at home.   I really wanted the time to myself and also didn't feel like celebrating.  It wasn't that I didn't have an invite to be with friends but I just didn't want to as I've been thinking about my ex alot and feeling really down. The last few days have been really hard.

I was glad to just spend the night doing what I wanted to i.e watch a film on Netflix and play relaxing music, but I felt so sad.  I miss my ex so much.  This time last year I was with my ex in the very same room feeling sad and lonely,  thinking that this would be the last time I would feel like that on New Year's Eve.  Now he's gone,  this time around I felt more relaxed but in the early morning I woke, thinking of him and I cried for a bit again. 

The feelings of contacting him today are so strong.  I feel that I regret splitting up with the person who was my best friend.  3 and a half months have passed and I don't feel like my life has changed for the better. I still have not made any good friends (the 2 I made a month or so ago turned out to be needy and manipulative and I stopped seeing them as I felt they were not  positive people to be around).

Whereas I was going flat out the last few months to do activities,  go out,  see friends, go on that date etc. the last week and a half has come to a standstill and I've taken a dive again.  It's as though all my energy and motivation has gone and all I want is to be with my ex again and speak to him.

I'm actually sad to think that he might have started to move on with his life while I'm in turmoil again over whether I should have stayed with him, and it's too late to make up. It would just go back to how it was and I would have to accept it  Is something wrong with me? 

This turmoil wont stay for long. And its very common to occur time to time when memories trigger by something. Happens to me you and all of broken hearts out there. You should not reconsider your decision as of now dear bcz you are feeling so bcz of loneliness and playing last years memory in your mind. What I wanna tell you is after a long term break up it's very common to reconsider your decision of splitting but it's due to loneliness and memories even if you go back as of now after a while you will find yourself standing at same place where you were standing before break up. I m suffering same right now loneliness is eating me alive but I try to hang on somehow although I m  a dumpee but still can relate. Be sure you'll be fine again. You have to learn to be happy alone dear to find yourself and only after that put yourself in dating game be it him or someone else.  Yours is the saddest story I have heard both parties loved each other but still splitted.  Good luck just know you are not alone hang in there try to get in contact with family or someone this phase is very temporary once you get busy somewhere it shall pass

[FMW]

Sorry if this has been addressed and I missed it - I think you should strongly consider going to see a counselor to hash this out.  I don't know what more can be said that will help you see things more clearly, so it would probably be helpful to express all these thoughts to someone face to face that can comment/respond in real time.  

It seems to me that it's in large part a problem of not being able to deal with being on your own, missing having someone there even if being with them made you unhappy.  Everything you've posted indicates your relationship with him was unhealthy.  It makes me feel a little queasy at the thought of you (or anyone) returning to that situation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 1/1/2020 at 2:50 AM, girlygo said:

This probably sounds sad but I spent New Year's Eve on my own at home.   I really wanted the time to myself and also didn't feel like celebrating.  It wasn't that I didn't have an invite to be with friends but I just didn't want to as I've been thinking about my ex alot and feeling really down. The last few days have been really hard.

I was glad to just spend the night doing what I wanted to i.e watch a film on Netflix and play relaxing music, but I felt so sad.  I miss my ex so much.  This time last year I was with my ex in the very same room feeling sad and lonely,  thinking that this would be the last time I would feel like that on New Year's Eve.  Now he's gone,  this time around I felt more relaxed but in the early morning I woke, thinking of him and I cried for a bit again. 

The feelings of contacting him today are so strong.  I feel that I regret splitting up with the person who was my best friend.  3 and a half months have passed and I don't feel like my life has changed for the better. I still have not made any good friends (the 2 I made a month or so ago turned out to be needy and manipulative and I stopped seeing them as I felt they were not  positive people to be around).

Whereas I was going flat out the last few months to do activities,  go out,  see friends, go on that date etc. the last week and a half has come to a standstill and I've taken a dive again.  It's as though all my energy and motivation has gone and all I want is to be with my ex again and speak to him.

I'm actually sad to think that he might have started to move on with his life while I'm in turmoil again over whether I should have stayed with him, and it's too late to make up. It would just go back to how it was and I would have to accept it  Is something wrong with me? 

 

 

I...  would have preferred to be addressing the original post in a timely fashion, but alas, that wasn't in the cards for me.

 

BUT, I think much of what I've read on pages 1 and 5 of this thread is fairly normal.

 

I don't have a strong awareness of whether there was something blatant which brought about the break-up.  I think I read mention of his having had an emotional relationship online with someone from the past...   BUT I sensed that was disclosed only after the break-up???

 

Anyway, the right moves for someone who broke-up for a blatant 'wrong' done upon them BY the partner, in the aftermath of initiating a break-up, are always to separate the entity that is """Them""" from what is your own (very worthy) investment IN  **them**.

Much of what you've conveyed suggests a strong and understandable value to you of your own emotional investment IN the relationship   -   which is a very GOOD thing, and you have to reccognize and respect your having given appropriate value TO that.

But if his independent actions in some way effected the end of your relationship (when perhaps you drew the line based on his behavior)  then it may have been "right" all the way around, in that he wronged you in some way, hinting that he just isn't as worthy as you originally believed...    yet that your own ability to invest, emotionally, is still intact and still ready to serve you well in the future.

 

 

[girlygo]

9 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

I don't have a strong awareness of whether there was something blatant which brought about the break-up.  I think I read mention of his having had an emotional relationship online with someone from the past...   BUT I sensed that was disclosed only after the break-up???

 

 

I found out about the emotional relationship with his ex online  whilst we were together about 4 years ago. He said he wouldn't contact her again but I knew he still carried on talking to her on the phone and texting her regularly. They never met up. He didn't know that I knew but he'd even disguised her phone number with a different name (a man's). I never mentioned it again as what was the point when he was going to hide it anyway,  he didn't want to stop communicating with her.  I never understood why someone would continue to stay in touch with an ex from over 30 years ago who hadn't even seen each other for all that time.  I wouldn't. 

That wasn't the reason for the breakup but a big factor because it made me feel inadequate and more depressed as the partner, whilst he acted as if everything was fine.  He was constantly on Youtube when we were together and this may sound shallow but he'd started not bothering with his appearance.  A crown that he had in his front tooth broke when he chewed on something hard last year and then the remaining bit of tooth fell out but he never got it fixed i.e a denture or implant. At the time his mum had died  which I supported him through but a year later he still hadn't done anything about it and I'm afraid I felt embarrassed to be seen with him.  

He was supportive in some ways and we've been through alot together but  we seem to have lost something. I don't know whether it's just that I'm not happy with myself rather than him... maybe I should have just accepted him and worked more on the relationship. I just had become more depressed and feeling lonely and unsatisfied but now months later I feel lonely without him. 

[assertives]

Being lonely is not a good reason to be with or stay in a relationship that isn't working and was making you sad and depressed than adding value to your life. I'd say make 2020 the time to invest in yourself, do things you don't normally do, take a solo trip, be comfortable with your own company. Going back to the broken and sad relationship because you are feeling lonely is like sticking a no longer sticky, damp and dirty bandaid on a fractured limb hoping it'll heal the fracture. It wouldn't.

You need to take active and intentional steps to fix what you are not happy in your own life instead of just accepting it and hope things will get better.

Edited January 4, 2020 by assertives

[SincereOnlineGuy]

16 hours ago, girlygo said:

I found out about the emotional relationship with his ex online  whilst we were together about 4 years ago. He said he wouldn't contact her again but I knew he still carried on talking to her on the phone and texting her regularly. They never met up. He didn't know that I knew but he'd even disguised her phone number with a different name (a man's). I never mentioned it again as what was the point when he was going to hide it anyway,  he didn't want to stop communicating with her.  I never understood why someone would continue to stay in touch with an ex from over 30 years ago who hadn't even seen each other for all that time.  I wouldn't. 

That wasn't the reason for the breakup but a big factor because it made me feel inadequate and more depressed as the partner, whilst he acted as if everything was fine.  He was constantly on Youtube when we were together and this may sound shallow but he'd started not bothering with his appearance.  A crown that he had in his front tooth broke when he chewed on something hard last year and then the remaining bit of tooth fell out but he never got it fixed i.e a denture or implant. At the time his mum had died  which I supported him through but a year later he still hadn't done anything about it and I'm afraid I felt embarrassed to be seen with him.  

He was supportive in some ways and we've been through alot together but  we seem to have lost something. I don't know whether it's just that I'm not happy with myself rather than him... maybe I should have just accepted him and worked more on the relationship. I just had become more depressed and feeling lonely and unsatisfied but now months later I feel lonely without him. 

 

I'm not sure how to factor-in "constantly on YouTube"...  but conventional wisdom says that IF he HAD begun to bother with his appearance, THAT would be a telling sign (of his mind being elsewhere)...   His not bothering  certainly doesn't boost the odds of his having designs on other women.

 

It IS OK if you felt inadequate and more depressed because of the emotional relationship  and it IS OK if you came to feel embarrassed to be seen with him, and if you ended the relationship because of those factors.

 

Even what you've added here is enough to inspire you to separate *him*  the individual from that which is your independent investment IN that individual.

 

Why not make a list of "pros" and "cons" about him(the individual), and see how you feel about your list.

 

It's normal to feel a big loss over your emotional investment IN HIM.

And for those in an otherwise healthy state of mind, the ideal analogy is to that of a failing stock investment:

(you bought-in at $100 a share... and kept holding... and believing...  as it dipped to $86...  then to $67... and then to $50

you keep believing, and keep hoping...  figuring that the only way to get even on this thing is to ***wait*** )

Meanwhile, the $40 or $50 remaining could be much better invested  in another stock that is fully ready to THRIVE.     (*** but it's SO hard to sell...)

 

 

[girlygo]

On 1/4/2020 at 4:58 AM, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

I'm not sure how to factor-in "constantly on YouTube"...  but conventional wisdom says that IF he HAD begun to bother with his appearance, THAT would be a telling sign (of his mind being elsewhere)...   His not bothering  certainly doesn't boost the odds of his having designs on other women.

 

 

 

 

What I mean by "constantly on Youtube" is pretty much the whole time he would be with me when he came over i.e 80 % of the time we were together (and also Ebay) all weekend,  from late morning until night. He would be listening/ talking to me but he'd have his laptop propped up on the sofa arm looking at the screen the majority of that time.  I gave up initiating and planning activities/ days out because it was always one-sided i.e me doing it so I felt that he wasn't making enough effort and when he talked it was mostly about what he was watching on Youtube. I wanted to have real interactive conversations between ourselves but maybe this was of avoiding dealing with communicating

I mentioned him not bothering about his appearance as to me this is a reflection of how he feels about me, that he doesn't respect me or want to even look good for himself.  I know I was also to blame ....that I had become quite negative about stuff,  feeling stressed and down following mine and parents' health issues, and took it out on him. 

 

[girlygo]

Update.  I am ashamed to say that after everything that's happened, that I have posted on this thread, I caved in. I was avoiding updating on here but now feel I need to do this to make me confront what a stupid,  mixed up situation I have now created.

A couple of days after my last update I ended up driving to my ex's house to see him.  I put it down to Christmas holidays,  feeling lonely,  missing him and feeling I had to give closure, my stupidity and impulsive behaviour . I sat in the car for 20 minutes before getting out,  deliberating over the possible consequences of what I was about to do and whether to do it.  The fact that if I saw him then the police warning to him to stay away from me would become useless because I would make contact.  I still did it and he let me into his home. 

I cried,  I said I had missed him and I found myself explaining/ answering questions in his abusive texts to placate/ reassure HIM. I didn't want to get back together with him as such.  In a way I wanted to stop the pain I felt and confusing feelings.  We hugged,  we talked about other people,  latest news and he was happy to see me.  I felt better afterwards and also to know that he was no longer angry,  that he seemed ok.

I went back home and immediately he sent a text that he was glad to see me,  that he would always be there and that he just can't stop loving me.  It was then that I suddenly felt anxious. What had I just done? Had I opened the floodgates for more trouble again? I wanted us to be able to just be able to keep in touch as friends by text every now and then but I realise that this could all happen again. 

We've been texting and talking on the phone since but now I'm worried that if I don't respond quick enough that he could get angry and upset again.  It's also got me back into a pattern of thinking about him and in terms of what I do everyday. I've started feeling guilty again as he's been sending me texts saying that he will never find anyone like me again,  that I'm one of a kind and that he thinks he will have to move back to his home town where he knows people as the loneliness is killing him. He's sent another text talking about a song that I used to like that he was listening to that reminded him of me so much that it made him cry. 

I just feel awful again and I have been so stupid as I created this situation.  I felt upset before I got back in touch but I have made everything worse as now I feel responsible for how he's feeling again and my confidence in myself,  positivity and hope has taken a nose dive. I've even started avoiding friends and family again.  I can't even tell my friends that I have seen and am in touch with my ex again because they will definitely lose respect for me and think I am completely crazy.

My therapist said that I have two choices,  to go back to him where things will seem better for a little while then settle back into the same unhappy humdrum pattern forever or put up with the loneliness and pain I will feel of being alone but I will have hope and an opportunity for building a real,  happy future I want. I can only do it if I let go. I feel comforted by the calls and texts my ex and I are having but at the same time I feel trapped because I know deep down I don't want the relationship but I'm scared of him getting angry again if I ceased contact and my friends or police not taking me seriously. I have seriously messed up. 

[TeddyBundy1993]

Heartbroken men are very vulnerable you know slightest contact from ex makes them feel you want them back or are reconsidering your decision which mostly isnt the case with women.  I would say it isnt his fault, any heartbroken man would take this as a sign of a attempt to rekindle old flame. You should have clear to him in first conversation that you were looking for friendship and prior to that you should havent met him at all. But I understand you and him also. Death of a long term relationship isnt that easy as we all say. You made a big mistake but almost all of us do that bcz sometimes feelings and emotions control our mind and our body. Your therapist is right if you start relationship again it will sink again after a while.  Tell your ex you are seeking for friendship only and take space again this is extremely selfish but best for you 2 as of now.